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6/18/13 4:01 P

Such a good point, MOKAY. If we can recognize the signs of escalation before it gets bad, and deal with the situation while it is still able to be fixed, we save ourself a lot of grief. Sometimes it's time for a change of scenery, sometimes it's a nap, or a healthy snack to balance blood sugars. Sometimes it's a change of subject, using distraction to change the focus. Sometimes it's just removing yourself from the situation, so the bad behavior isn't rewarded. And sometimes it's a paradigm shift, where you don't take the bad behavior to heart, let it hurt your spirit. Sort of like the old saying that you can't stop the birds from flying over you, but you can stop them from nesting in your hair. You don't have to accept that negativity.

We are not victims. Some people think that caregivers are victims, stuck without a life while they care for others, that often do not even appreciate our help. The last part may be true, maybe we aren't appreciated. But WE ARE NOT VICTIMS, unless we choose to be.

We are not helpless, we are not hopeless. For whatever reason we have chosen to stay in this path of caregiving, chosen not to walk away. Yes, we may be limited in what we can do, and where we can go, because we need to keep watch over our loved one. But that does not make us victims.

Our inner life is ours. We can appreciate a sunbeam, listen to a robin sing, watch the antics of an insect. We can absorb the feel of our loved one's hand, hear a symphony in our mind, talk to God with our soul, all without moving a muscle. There is so much life all around us, if we but tune in. If we want to find darkness and pain, there's plenty of that to go around as well, but we get to choose what we feed our inner self.

Just like feeding your body poor food choices will affect your body, feeding your inner spirit bad things will affect your spirit. It's up to you to decide what you're going to feed your soul, your spirit, your mind. Do your friends spend all their time complaining, or sharing upbeat new projects? It's contagious. Do you listen to TV shows where everyone is complaining about everyone else, or something that stimulates your mind, inspires you? Does the music you listen to remind you of good times, or bad? Do you read books with happy, upbeat, encouraging endings, or ones that leave you feeling depressed and lacking? Do you count the hurts against you, or the blessings?

I know someone that would start every conversation with the same 20 minute litany of grievances, non-stop. Some went back to their childhood. They were all valid grievances, they were horrendous hurts. But at this point, the person hurting himself the most--was himself. Others did bad things to him, they were not fair, or acceptable in any way. But hanging on to them, nursing the wounds, keeping them open and raw, was not helping him at all. The other people he held grudges against, didn't care. He wasn't hurting them. I'm sure most of them didn't even remember the grievance. The only one he was hurting was himself.

If he was hoping that these people would see the error of their ways, and come and apologize and beg his forgiveness, and shower him with love and gifts. . ..he had very, very unrealistic expectations. He was never going to do or say anything that was suddenly going to make these people respect him, give him love. Not that God couldn't do a miracle, he could. But people have free choice, and he allows them to do that. Sometimes they make hurtful choices, and others have to live with the consequences.

I heard a late night radio program (starts at midnight here) called "Hope in the NIght" with June Hunt. A person called with just this problem. They were a victim of a very cruel family, that continually made it plain to this woman that she was unworthy, unwanted, and unloved. And yet, fifty years later, she's still trying to win their approval. Trying to do and say things that will suddenly make the family come to their senses and love and appreciate her. The host had to gently remind the woman that she had very unrealistic expectations. She is pinning her hope of happiness on an event that will likely never come.

That's what happens to us caregivers sometimes. We pin our hope of happiness on our loved one, on the family, showering us with appreciation for our caregiving. We want to be treated fairly, kindly, and with great appreciation for our sacrifices. For many of us, that is never going to happen. We aren't going to get our need for love, security, and appreciation met by our family. We don't get it from our work, if we've stopped working in order to tend our loved ones full-time. We don't get it from friends, because we rarely can go out and visit anymore, due to caregiving restrictions. And our loved one may be difficult about us 'tying up the phone lines' when we use the phone to contact them. So does that make us victims?

Only if we choose that path. As surviving prisoners of war can attest, the enemy can imprison the body, but the survivors wouldn't let them subdue their minds. They were still free on the inside, even if the body was chained. I remember reading of one prisoner, that composed an entire symphony in his mind, then secretly taught several of the prisoners an instrumental part. One person would hum like a violin, another toot like a clarinet. . .together they played the entire symphony that had once only existed in his mind. They brought something beautiful into existence, even though to the world they had nothing, were in bondage.

Your body may be tied up in caregiving. You may have a loved one that is near to passing, or needs constant supervision. But your mind is still free. When you can be free, even when your body isn't, you are freer than most people on this planet. When you can be content, in whatever situation you find yourself, you have a gift beyond price. When you can have peace, when those around you around flailing, you are blessed beyond measure.

The caregiving life is NOT that of a victim, we may have limitations of our body, but we can have a freedom of spirit that transcends all else. We realize the preciousness of life, we treasure life, and spend our energy soothing our loved ones through this last journey. We treasure every moment. We realize what a miracle being able to swallow food, or speak, play a child's game, smile, get up on your own. . .they're all incredible gifts we don't appreciate until they're gone. As caregivers, we've seen this, we learn to appreciate the many blessings of life that others don't even see.

Do we have limitations for a season, yes! But in it, we gain so much more. It's the same with other things that can make us a victim, things that will hold us back if we hold onto them. Life is full of things that are unfair. . .accidents, illness, job loss, bankruptcy, loss of your home, your dreams, your family. Bad things happen--the question is, what are you going to do about it?

Caregivers have plenty of bad things in their lives, but we can choose to rise above that, sieze the blessings, and focus on them, letting the bad things fall from our line of focus. We need to feed the good in our lives, not the bad. If, as the saying goes, 'you are what you eat', then we need to feed our spirits good things.

Others can do us wrong, caregiving can be exhausting, we may have health and financial issues. We may not be able to change that. But we change what we do with it. We can choose to worry, and fret, be angry, or have unrealistic expectations. Or, we choose to focus on the blessings, and enjoy what we do have, for as long as we have it.

Matthew 6: 5 “This is why I tell you: do not be worried about the food and drink you need in order to stay alive, or about clothes for your body. After all, isn't life worth more than food? And isn't the body worth more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds: they do not plant seeds, gather a harvest and put it in barns; yet your Father in heaven takes care of them! Aren't you worth much more than birds? 27 Can any of you live a bit longer by worrying about it?

"28 “And why worry about clothes? Look how the wild flowers grow: they do not work or make clothes for themselves. 29 But I tell you that not even King Solomon with all his wealth had clothes as beautiful as one of these flowers. 30 It is God who clothes the wild grass—grass that is here today and gone tomorrow, burned up in the oven. Won't he be all the more sure to clothe you? What little faith you have!

"31 “So do not start worrying: ‘Where will my food come from? or my drink? or my clothes?’ 32 (These are the things the pagans are always concerned about.) Your Father in heaven knows that you need all these things. 33 Instead, be concerned above everything else with the Kingdom of God and with what he requires of you, and he will provide you with all these other things. 34 So do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings."

Philippians 4:5-7: "5 Show a gentle attitude toward everyone. The Lord is coming soon. 6 Don't worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking him with a thankful heart. 7 And God's peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus."

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6/18/13 7:58 A

Today I go to my weight watchers meeting and weigh in, then home to watch granddaughter and take her to play youngest grandson is in. Then back home and wait for grandsons to get off their bus and find something for them to do and watch little Arianna. What a full day and a blessed day ahead of me.
Judy, I remember times I would get so frustrated with my mom and then situation would just get out of control and she had her ways of getting back at me. Then I read here a few hints and started to learn how to defuse most situation before they broke down.

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6/18/13 2:56 A

Good job! Today I took an hour hike, feet are delighted to finally be propped up and resting. Ahhhh.

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6/17/13 7:14 P

Went to the gym and worked out with some strength training and rode the bike for 20 minutes. Usually it's Monday zumba, but it is so crowded it's crazy. Three days left to work. Moving files around today, so I really got a workout at work too.

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6/16/13 7:45 P

Woo hoo is right, sounds wonderful!

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6/16/13 3:26 P

Feeling good today. Got up and went to Mass then to the grocery store. Since it is Father's Day, I am going to make DH one of his favorite meals, BBQ ribs.
I am counting down the days left to work. I am down to 4 days. Woo! Hoo! Then, it's time to concentrate on my kids graduation party and vacation.

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6/15/13 3:21 P

I sure do recognize that. They're pleasant, then they get a little fussy, and their voice gets 'that' tone in it. It's your last chance to get them settled in for the night, get the nightly bath and story routine started. If you wait until after that, they get overtired, and then the incessant wailing begins. The secret seems to be for you to realize they need to go to bed long before they realize it. They'll yawn while they tell you they're not tired. But the one telling thing I've found is that tone they get in their voice when they're moving from pleasantly occupied to overtired, when suddenly nothing is good enough anymore. They fuss over things that haven't been an issue all day, but now are unbearable for them.

For example, you'll be playing a board game together, and all is well. As the wailing hour approaches, rolling a poor number on the dice or getting sent back a few spaces suddenly becomes the cause for poor behavior. They start complaining, knock the board pieces around roughly, etc., when just minutes before they would have laughed and jumped back those spaces. It's starting. . .

I'd have to end the game, and get the bedtime ritual going before the hassles escalated. If I missed the cues, I'd surely regret it later when the wailing started. They didn't know why everything was suddenly so hard, but after awhile, I'd recognize those signs of being overtired.

The same can happen in our caregiving. When our loved ones get overstressed by therapy, doctor visits, or visitors, it's up to us to recognize their signs of being overtired, and make it easy for them to take a nap or get to bed early. One good thing about being a caregiver, you get to know your loved one's moods, and can recognize the early warning signs of coming distress.

I think you're right, MOKAY, little grandbaby is just tired, and the parents aren't able to get her to bed before the grumps escalate into wailing. Once they get overtired, it's a lot harder to get them to sleep. You're so wise to recognize that a lot of our difficulties are because we can't just relax and let the difficult moment pass. When we get uptight, so do our loved ones.

I remember that from taking care of Mom. If she'd be mean, and I'd get upset, it just made her all the more mean. But if I smiled, and calmly did what needed done instead, it helped defuse the situation. Our reaction has a big effect on the situation. If fussing gets you what you want, you learn to fuss more. If instead good behavior is rewarded, you just might some more good behavior! (Not always, but one can always hope!)

MOKAY, you're such a blessing to your family, for your care, your time, your wisdom, and your patience.

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6/15/13 7:25 A

What you say is so true. Care giving makes us stronger and helps us to look for the small things in life. Also makes doing some chores much easier, with a different perspective of the situation. My granddaughter gets real fussy at night. My daughter and her BF can not seem to calm her down. I saw it start last night, at first she was just interested in watching everything around her. I played with her a bit, then she started to work up into the fits of crying they see all the time. I had her almost a sleep when daddy got here to pick her up. By the time she was in car I could hear her crying. My daughter text me later and said she was crying as usual. I think she is just tired but mommy and daddy are to and it is hard for her to understand that the tension is from no sleep for them all and that makes her cry more and they are more tense. I remember being there and feeling just that way. So think I might show daughter how to relax in the middle of all the commotion. The more relaxed I became last night the calmer she became. I think I can help the 3 of them through this. :)
I would never trade any of my moments in this life for anything, except maybe more time with those I have lost.
It does seem like yesterday I was holding my daughters in my arms and now I hold their children, well at least one child the other 3 think they are to big for grandma to hug. You know how boys can be. LOL

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6/14/13 7:17 P

Truly, in the middle of all the difficulties, you get so tired of it all. But looking back, you realized those days were full of blessings. I remember watching a Christmas story called 'Holiday Switch' about an exasperated wife who was fed up with bills, cranky kids, and a husband that just didn't seem to get it. They never had enough money, life was hard, and she was frustrated beyond bearing.

Then a switch occurs, and she wakes up as the wife of the wealthy boyfriend she dated in school. Furs, closets full of money, a fancy car, a maid. That was fun for a little while, until the novelty wore off. Then she realized how much she treasured her family. When she went to visit the hovel of a house that used to be hers, she was horrified to find another woman as the mother of her children. And this woman appreciated what she had. She saw her family through a different lens. And of course, later the Christmas miracle occurs, and she wakes up as herself, in her old grungy house with her difficult children and husband that can't keep the bills paid. And is so excited she doesn't mind at all.

Once she saw the blessings in her life, it made the rest easier to bear. She learned to treasure the good things, and trust God to work out the rest. I'm sure she had major hassles afterward, squabbling children, creditors calling, roof leaking. . .but her perspective had changed.

I found that to be true during the last moments of taking care of Mom. All the rest didn't matter anymore. I just treasured what little time I had with her. All those things that drove me crazy weren't even on the radar anymore. They were still there, they just didn't have power over me anymore. I find these great life changing experiences are like that. They change your focus, change you. The tough things don't have as much power over you as they did. Caregiving isn't just for our loved ones, it's for us as well. Makes us stronger, appreciate life more.

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6/14/13 3:49 P

Made me cry a little Judy, thinking of my Dad who passes away 3 years ago. How I tried to savor every touch, every kiss, every hug those last months and weeks. I'd concentrate really hard and try to "memorize" of exactly how his face felt to my lips. I'm glad today though, that he is at rest. He ran his race and fought his battles for 93 long years, and he was SO tired.

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6/14/13 2:29 P

So true. I remember when my first foster son had his 50th birthday, all you can do is blink and say 'where did the time go?' It's amazing. Makes you realize how important it is to savor every moment. They are precious. The tedium is so much easier to handle when you realize that minute is a gift that will never return, those moments that seem so frustrating at the time, are actually incredible. In future years, when those people have moved on, into the next life, or into lives here of their own, you realize what a treasure they were. To be close to them, touch them, smooth their brow, see their smile. Treasures.

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6/14/13 10:41 A

Oh heavens yes. A good night's sleep makes all the difference! And know that she is going to be this small for such a short time. Savor the moments. I cared for my youngest granddaughter when she was a baby. I used to sit at this very computer, play lullaby songs on it while she had her bottle, and putter on the computer while she slept. I just turned around and she turned 5 years old 2 weeks ago! Where does the time go.

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6/13/13 2:25 P

Thanks, nice to have company here. Getting a good night's sleep is one of the best diet tricks there is, so it's a wonderful start! What a delight, though exhausting, to be part of her life. So exciting.

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6/13/13 7:32 A

I will try to remember to pop in here and check in on everyone.
I can say that taking care of my new granddaughter is tiring. I really need to get this weight off to help myself take better care of her. She is so tiny and demanding. She wants to be held all the time and that is really hard for me. I have manage to put her down for short period of time. But I can say I have been getting a good nights sleep. LOL

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6/12/13 2:34 P

MOKAY, you are such a blessing! And congratulations,

You're so right, we somehow end up putting us at the bottom of the list, like that's somehow a proper priority. But it's not proper, and it's not good stewardship. Yes, I think taking care of others is very important. BUT, we can't take care of them well if we're running on empty ourselves. We need to build ourselves up, so we can carry on our caregiving with renewed energy. Our loved ones don't need martyrs, they need healthy helpers.

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6/12/13 7:19 A

I lost another 2.2lbs. and am down over 22 lbs since starting weight watchers in February. I decided to rejoin WW before my Mom's birthday and see if that would help me get the weight off. It is a great program and I love going to the meetings and chatting with others. A great social event for me. :) I love spark but I am just not a calorie counter, points are easier for me.
I think the hardest part for a care giver is to take care of them self. We always want to help everyone else and forget about ourselves. I sometimes think we find it to hard or even feel guilty if we do or try to do something for just "us". The hardest thing for me since mom's passing was to start and take care of me.
Anyways thought if some how I can help anyone here that is going down the road, I have been, I am here to help.

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6/10/13 4:21 P

MOKAY, what a wonderful thought.

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6/10/13 12:21 P

I feel as though I have gone full circle. From caring for my daughters when they were babies, then taking care of Mom (happiest and saddest time of my life) and now taking care of my grandchildren. Care givers never stop caring. :)
Love roses, smell and look beautiful. :)

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6/9/13 7:13 P

Wow! PIPPI, MOKAY, sounds like grandchildren will be enlivening your days! PIPPI, the party sounds lovely. Thanks to both of you for sharing, I appreciate the company, and it's nice to visit with you.

I took a walk today, looking for wild roses. Got photographs of some lovely ones, one a dark purplish shade I've never seen before. I just love the fragrance of the old roses.

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6/9/13 9:53 A

I am here now. Been busy getting ready to start watching my newest grandchild. Will be watching her when my daughter goes back to work. My oldest will be here a few times if she has day off. Otherwise it will be me and 4 grand children. 12 year old twins, 9 year old brother and then their cousin, my new born granddaughter. So back to care giving but this time younger ones. :)

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6/8/13 10:18 P

Today was my granddaughter's first birthday. I helped my daughter put the party together - it was just a burger cookout for 8 adults & 2 kids but it was a lot of work. Especially since half of the adults were my ex, his wife, and my ex mother-in-law. But it turned out really nice. Granddaughter was in a really good mood...decorations & hour'dervers turned out nice, and ex's only stayed for less than 2 hours. :7) It was a pink Disney "princess" party. She came as Snow White with a yellow tutu.

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6/8/13 6:34 P

You hoo! (Echo, echo). Is anyone else in today?
Today's errand day, what did you do today?

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6/7/13 9:41 P

Having a quiet day, did some gardening, got plenty of exercise wielding the hedge trimmers and shovel today. Saw MIL, she was fine today. Bored, but fine, and pleasant. Woo hoo, do love those good days.

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6/5/13 10:41 P

Welcome to PIPPI, our newest member!

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6/4/13 12:57 P

For those of you who weren't over at Camp Accountability, we had a one-day challenge. Take 15 minutes just for you. Not to do bills or go on Facebook or run errands, but just relax. Listen to music, dance, read, listen to the birds, soak in a bubble bath. Just relax. Can you do it? Slow down enough to let your body unwind, just for 15 minutes?

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5/29/13 3:09 P

That is so funny. My old beagle-cross dog would go to the garden, start at one end of the row, and eat her way up the carrot patch, one carrot at a time.

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5/29/13 1:35 P

Thanks for the great info Judy! I myself probably won't be gardening for awhile, unless we move to a place where I can plant away from the dogs. One dog in particular. Ahem. His first summer here last year, and he ate a bunch of melons - WHOLE. (cantaloupes) Can you believe such a crazy dog?

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5/28/13 9:39 P

Welcome to Task Tuesday, when I try to get one thing off my 'to do' list. Today, I planted pumpkin seeds saved from pumpkins we wintered over in the house. Still have just a handful of those precious orange globes left, I'll sure miss them when they're gone. The spaghetti squash variety makes such wonderful pasta substitutes. Just slice the pumpkin/squash in half, scoop out the seeds (and save for planting or roasting and eating), put in a roaster pan with no added liquid, and bake for one hour at 350 degrees F. When done, use a fork to scoop out the flesh in long pale yellow ribbons, just right for your favorite spaghetti sauce. I also use the pulp as low-calorie filler in meatloaf/meatballs, and mixed in baked egg dishes, stir-firy, and cut up for vegetable soup. The pie pumpkins have a smooth, non-fibrous flesh. Besides pies, they add color, moistness and nutrition to quick breads, make a great homemade pudding, and work as filler in meatloaf and a thickener to homemade vegetable soup. They're not just for pie! Now's the time to plant pumpkin seeds if you want to have your own stash this winter. The plants are bee pollinated, and will cross with gourds, zucchini, and other squashes and pumpkins. (Yes, there's four main types of squash, and not all cross with other types, but the lowly pumpkin seems happy to cross with most.)

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5/27/13 11:31 A

Memorial Day, the day we remember those who gave their lives in service to their country. Today I also honor those of you who are giving of their lives every day in service to your loved ones. I salute you.

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5/26/13 9:05 P

You make such an important point, going forward. Sometimes when we're in the middle of caregiving, we feel like our life has stopped still, put on hold. But in reality, we are moving forward. We are assisting our loved ones move forward into their new life, the greatest journey of all. This is difficult, but it is an incredible privilege as well.

It is the same for taking care of our own families. Some days it may be difficult, tedious, frustrating, but it is also a great privilege. It's worth all the effort.

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5/26/13 7:06 P

I am hoping to but have not started garden at all. Just to cool or raining. I am so tired today and sore. I have been cooking and baking and boy it has taken a toll on me. It is days like today that remind me I am not as good and healthy as use to be.
Yes taking care of them was hard but I would not change a thing. Even when she could no longer remember me, she knew I was someone important to her. Up to the last few weeks her face would light up when she heard my voice. I think of it often and I do miss her, but I have 2 daughters and 4 grandbabies that need me, so for that I keep moving forward. It must be so nice to use your own wool to knit/crochet with.

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5/26/13 2:42 P

Well, it's beautiful today, but cold. We've had frost every night for the last several nights, sure wreaks havoc on the garden. Anyone else out there try to garden this year?

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5/23/13 10:00 P

OOH! ha Lookie there: "ADD A LINK"....heehee I see it now. Had it been a snake.....

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5/23/13 9:59 P

MOKAY, I'm really impressed with your brother's willingness to share the visits with you, that's amazing. My hat's off to both of you for making sure she was cared for. Isn't it amazing how long their lives impact yours, even after they are gone. Sometimes I think you don't really appreciate them as much, when you're in the trenches caregiving, and dealing with issues that don't seem much like the parents you remember. When they're gone, and your body and brain have time to unwind, how much you miss the person they were really seems to sink in.

I truly think the 'ex' caregivers are still just as much caregivers once the parent is gone, as they were before. Especially since you need to learn once again to take care of yourself. There's such a huge void left in your life after their death, especially when so much of you was poured into their life. Even if I wasn't taking care of MIL some now, I'd really still need to be here. I think only here can people truly understand how much caregiving changes your life, both good and bad.

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5/23/13 9:52 P

Wow! The link is here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrZXz10FcVM&featur
e=youtu.be (Just for info--If you want to add a link, copy the address of the link by highlighting it and using right-click 'copy' or Ctrl + 'C'. That copies the address. Then click the blue 'add a link' button right above where you write your message (there's spell check, add a link and add an emoticon above the message box here when you write a post.) A little window will pop up, paste the link address in the box and hit enter. It will automatically add the necessary html code to your link to make it clickable when you post your message.)

That is such an amazing post. I heard a similar message on the radio, I believe it was Doctor Dobson talking about one of his family members that was pretty much in that same position, non-verbal. Until they started singing favorite church songs, and then she could sing along clearly. Just amazing.

Goes to show you shouldn't ignore or give up, even on the 'hopeless' cases. There's still life in there somewhere, just waiting to be loved.

MOKAY, I use spin and weave the wool, or turn it into felt.

Edited by: ANGORA4 at: 5/23/2013 (21:53)

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5/23/13 11:57 A

Judy - I immediately thought of you and this team when I saw this powerful video re dementia. I hope the link works. If it does, make sure you watch the ending. I wasn't sure if the lady was really on track until the end part.


http://youtu.be/CrZXz10FcVM


Looks like you'll need to copy and paste, but it seems to work fine. :)

Edited by: SPARKLES at: 5/23/2013 (11:58)

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5/23/13 10:30 A

Hello Ladies. I have not been here in a really long time, as the last time no one else was coming in. I am still adjusting to mom being gone.
It sounds like your MIL is adjusting well to the home. My only thought is to keep eye on her and what is going on. Make your presence known. They are better with people when they see someone there all the time. My brother and I took turns. Mom always had someone visiting her. We also made it a point to pop in when ever. :)
Good luck with the job search.

Judy what do you do with the wool?

Edited by: MOKAY54 at: 5/23/2013 (10:31)

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5/22/13 2:14 P

That can be such a vicious circle. "If you had good credit, we'd hire you." Well, if I had a job, credit wouldn't be an issue! We're pulling for you!

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5/22/13 12:26 P

I'm waiting on a "hot prospect" at the moment, actually. It is an medical insurance company - or rather a "brokerage" that represents multiple companies. If I were to get the Benefits Advisor position, I would be talking to clients and helping them choose a Medicare supplement policy, based on their needs and criteria. The position pays VERY well, and they help you get your insurance license. The possible holdup could be my credit. We have struggled greatly with our mortgage payment - as I told the lady, "If I had a JOB, I could MAKE my mortgage payments!" Anyway - she said to just apply and see. We're not technically late at this moment, but I'm having to be creative in trying to put a payment together, and I'm not sure if they look at late pays, or just if you are delinquent at present.

Speaking of all that - I better get busy.
Jenn

Edited by: SPARKLES at: 5/22/2013 (12:26)

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5/22/13 11:22 A

Jenn, how's the job hunting going? Anything special you're looking for?

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5/21/13 5:04 P

Judy - Sorry - I mentioned on another thread you started, about nursing homes, asking if your MIL was lucid etc, as I had forgotten what you had said here. Please know I do pay attention to what you say, but have had a lot on my mind. (job hunting - hopeful prospects, etc) I'm SO glad to hear she was happy today! Know that helped ease your mind.

Jenn

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5/20/13 6:51 P

Just got back from visiting with MIL. She seems to be bright and perky today, the nursing home seems to be working out better than I hoped. She thinks she is in school, and talks about the school stuff going on. Says she's looking forward to summer vacation. But she's smiling and I'm so thrilled she seems to be adjusting to the change.

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5/18/13 12:26 P

Took my walk today, I'm trying to get a walk in every day, short or long. I have a question: What does everyone out there do for their exercise? I know it was really hard with live-in caregiving, as the movement confused my mother, she was sure I was going to wear out her floor and yelled until I'd quit and try something else. How do you handle it?

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5/17/13 3:25 P

I don't know if that's always the cause, as I don't remember ever clearing my cache and cookies before. I had to do it this time, per instructions from Sparks to get back in after the site being down yesterday.

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5/17/13 2:57 P

I didn't know that about the email notices, another mystery solved. I'd fallen off the Spark world before, and had no idea how that happened. Aha! Thanks for the information.

Finished shearing the sheep today, will go out and visit MIL shortly. I'm only a partial caregiver at this point, as SIL is still dealing with all the insurance, banking, meds, appointment scheduling, etc. And the nursing home deals with the baths, diaper changes, feeding, clothing, etc. So, at this point, I'm just entertainment. I realize, with her dementia, she won't remember me being there five minutes after I'm gone, but for the time I'm there, she has company and knows she is loved. And that's the important part.

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5/17/13 1:26 P

Hello!? LOL I hope everyone realizes that their email notices stopped if they had to clear their cache and cookies. Then you have to look the team back up and Wa-Lah, here I am.

It's Friday and my day is passing fast. Hope everyone is doing alright today.
Jennifer

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5/16/13 12:23 P

Checking in, how is everyone doing today?

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5/15/13 9:35 P

Yes, I've definitely not been here in a long time. It's been hard since Mom passed, just trying to catch up on everything that backed up while I was gone. I've still got a long way to go, but now MIL needs help. She's recently moved to a facility near me, due to a broken hip. Here we go again, only this time I'll get to learn about the nursing home side of things.

I apologize for the long delay, let's get moving again here. What's everyone else up to?

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3/28/13 5:01 P

I just joined. Anyone around?

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3/12/13 5:31 P

I'm leaving this team, doesn't seem to be any other caregiver children out there. I have been the only one to huddle since I returned to SP...

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2/17/13 9:53 P

So sorry to hear about your Mom, Mokay. I know you did all you could and more, and now it's time for you to find yourself again. You are in my prayers.

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2/13/13 3:37 P

Yes I believe it is truly a blessing to care for them. If nothing else I believe it made me even closer to her and her to me. I do miss her but am greatfull for the time we had and how close we became. Take care and enjoy every moment even though it is tiring.

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2/13/13 7:36 A

Very sorry to hear your Mum died. As I watch my Mum get older, almost 87, I am so grateful to be able to be doing for her even tho it's exhausting.

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9/17/12 8:14 P

I just wanted to let anyone that comes back here know that Mom went to be with the Lord saturday morning. She went very quickly and is now not in any pain and is at peace. I myself am doing well. I made peace with the decisions we had to make but I did speak to her the night before she passed and feel it was right and she did hear it and think she found peace and went to the lord the next morning as soon as the nurses and aides had left her room. The aide went back in about 5 minutes later and she was gone.
Thank you all for all the support you gave me here. I truly hope some of you are still around to be able to help others that are walking in our shoes.
God bless you all!

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9/12/12 11:15 A

Aww bless your heart and bless your mum's heart too.. thinking of you and sending blessings to help her on her way peacefully when that time comes. It is never ever easy saying goodbye to anyone we love .. the thought went through my mind yesterday as I know one day in the not too far off distance, I will be in your shoes or that of others here in this group and it brought a wave of deep sadness to my heart.. you know though as I do in my situation, that as far as anything goes, we have done our very level best for our mothers and fathers, aunts/uncles/grandparents ........and that is all anyone of us can do .. our best.

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9/12/12 7:44 A

It has been a while since I was here last. Mom stopped dialysis yesterday and will have hospice at nursing home until the Lord calls her home. We almost lost her yesterday but God's time for her was not then. So as of right now she is comfortable and we do not know for how long she will be with us. I feel sorrow in knowing I will lose her soon but also feel it is time for her and I do not want her to suffer. I have no regrets as I know I did everything in my power for her and help her do as much of the things she had always wanted before she got to the points of no longer walking or having no memory or being able to communicate to anyone. I wanted to thank all of you here for all the wonderful help you have given to me and all the other that came here for help.
God bless you all!

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8/26/12 5:13 A

Checking in a year+ late!!! Sorry about this!
Hi everyone

I am not a newbie per se .. having said that though, I don't think I have been on here since first joining your group back last year. My life, like anyone knows who cares for an ill or elderly parent, is full on. My Mum's care has stepped up of late in as much that she is now losing her short term memory and with her blindness and being very hard of hearing, this is compounded as you can imagine because she is not receiving any sensory cues.

She is 89 and quite frail now too although she eats well and enjoys her food. She feels though that she is just existing and she probably is. She was always so active and even until recently was still trying to crochet. My mother has been a dressmaker all her life not for financial reward but for pleasure.. she has made beautiful wedding dresses, curtains, recovered chairs and sofas, made my Dad's suits when he was alive and all my clothes and that of my children's as well as her own. She has knitted gorgeous Arran sweaters and cardigans for the whole family right down to baby sized garments too, clothes for my Barbies and my daughter's over the years, DIY around the house etc... Her baking skills were second to none.. she could turn a few things into a mouthwatering delight... she did woodwork and fine lacework.. she had a true gift for creating beautiful items.

Now she cannot do any of these things although it is fair to say that she has been crocheting square lap blankets for various family members and friends over this past 6 years she has been living with me. . Each one was a painstakingly labour of love and as time has progressed, she became slower and slower with these. The 1st one she made in 2006 took a few months .. the 2nd in 2007 for my daughter's first baby, took 4 months... the last one took 12 months.

During the time of that last blanket, we were all going nuts here, espeically me as dozens of times during the day she would call for me or come looking for me, standing in the doorway of my lounge and say at the top of her voice.. forgetting that I am not the one who is hard of hearing.... lol..........."ARE YOU IN THERE?" Sometimes, (feeling guilty ) I felt like not replying because I was getting so tired of these intrusions from her.. I work from home and it is difficult then to sometimes stop and start all the time. However.. we got through the various questions keeping a sense of proportion about it all and trying to remember to sweat the big stuff and not these small irritations.......although its often the smaller things that can irritate us the most at times..particularly when we are tired and have very little left in the emotional reservoir tank.

I pray every night that she can just be given a little sight back just to see her precious great granddaughter's face.. I do believe in the power of prayer and positive energy so I don't give up hoping although I am a realist too and the likelihood of this happening after 10 years of blindess are highly unlikely.....never say never though! :-)

It is life......its my life for now.. and I have accepted that one day she will not be here and I will miss all the things about her that drove me nuts! Even as I say that I know it to be true and the pain is already felt in m heart and the tears are in my eyes as that image is conjured up by my unconscious mind. Hey ho......onward and upward as the saying goes and it is the only way.....I do have a motto. sink or swim ..and swimming is all I know how to do.. well that and treading water that is for a bit to catch my breath!

I am an only child and so my caregiving is my responsibility alone and I am single .. in my late 50's .. my children are good as gold and help out when they can, without them I would not get a break. I care for my small granddaughter too at least once a week, often twice and in the school holidays she comes to stay for a night or two. Having her here is a godsend .. she lifts the energy here although she wears me out and I flop on the sofa on my return from driving her home and barely move all evening.. she is like a whirlwind..effervescent!

The healthy eating has gone out the window of late and I am going on a 4 nt break to the continent with a good friend who is also single.. we both care for our mothers and feel we need some ME time and very very soon..so its either Greek Isles or Turkey or maybe Portugal in 2 months and I really want to weigh at least a stone less (14lbs).. and be then well on the way to losing the rest of it. I have been lacking in motivation of late in all areas of my life and its time to pack myself a punch.. a kick up the butt and get myself sorted! I have to do this. I can't believe I will be 60 in 2 years time and have been promising myself this message for 10 years now!

Well on with the day ... hope to find the time to get in here more often and offer support to others as well as join in your general discussions.

Have a good Sunday!

Edited by: SUNSHINEC54 at: 8/26/2012 (05:18)

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8/10/12 8:00 A

Happy Friday, everyone! Looking forward to the cooler weather we're supposed to get this weekend! I'll be busy helping my son get ready to head to college next week. Hope everyone has a good one!

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8/7/12 1:08 P

Good morning! Today my 2 kids, daughter is 19 and son is 22, are driving to pick up their Grandma, take her to her doctor's appt and then have lunch with her. The drive there and back is about 140 km. Mom is 85 and failing. I am so proud that my kids are helping out. I have to take her to a hearing appt on Fri and then someone will have to take her to an eye appt on Tues. Helps when the family pitches in.
Have a great day everyone!

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8/1/12 8:12 A

Checking in!

Good morning, everyone! I'm looking forward to starting the biggest loser challenge today in the Challenge to lose forum! I weighed this morning and actually am up - more than when I originally started, so I'm really looking forward to the motivation to get the scale going in the right direction!

My son cleaned out his bank account to pay his college tuition last night. He leaves in 15 days - and my youngest will be starting 8th grade in 16 days. Where in the world has the summer gone??

How is everyone?

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7/15/12 9:53 P

When I was younger, I would keep a journal and that would help a lot. I had to start hiding them after my father berated me for what I had said about my mother. I have no idea why he did that at the time. I think I was in my late twenties at the time. He would do some uncharacteristic things at times.

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7/9/12 12:36 P

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Edited by: COOKIEBAKERCAT at: 9/2/2012 (18:38)

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7/9/12 12:14 P

Been quite a while since I've posted anything on any of my teams. Need to get some things of my chest so I don't take it out on my mother. She's always been so self centered and everything is framed as "What about me?" in some form or another. Anyways, my nephew passed away a week ago Friday. He was only 21 and was born with an immune deficiency. His body just gave out on him. My poor sister is devastated. My mother had the nerve to say to my sister that she guesses she'll need to reschedule her eye surgery now. That's how she puts things. She couldn't ask my sister if she could still take her. Her son hadn't even been dead a week! Then, instead of telling me ahead of time that she would like me to take her somewhere on my day off, she waits till that day to tell me she wants to go somewhere. Then she gets all "pissy" when I tell her I'm doing a mystery shop. I've had to cut down on the ones I do since she gets unhappy if I don't take her to the restaurants or movies(haven't had many of them I could do lately). She now has so much trouble getting around, I can't take her to some shops. I took her to one restaurant and she just stopped in the aisle while a server had a huge tray she was trying to take to a table behind us.
Well, I just wanted to get some of this off my chest before I end up saying something I'll regret to my mother. The depression from our loss is coming out as hostility. I'm really having to watch myself at work since I'm a cashier. It's hard when someone says something really stupid. You bite your tongue and smile. Well, I feel a bit better already.

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6/11/12 8:36 P

I used a baby monitor to help listen for mom to make sure if she was up I knew it and so she would not get out with out me knowing. That is my suggestion.

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6/4/12 7:29 A

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Edited by: COOKIEBAKERCAT at: 9/2/2012 (18:38)

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6/4/12 12:02 A

Sandy -- . I know how frustrating & awful some of the Dr's and hospitals can be. I hope she is home now and feeling better.

JUICYLOVE2 - I am so sorry for your loss.

If anyone has a chance -- read my blog. Big changes for us now, anyone who has advice please please share! My Dad broke the C6 in his neck 5/5/12 and has been in a nursing home/rehab since then, Mom has been battling Cdiff and colitis and alzheimers and has also been in the rehab for 2 weeks now. We are moving in with them and they are coming home on Saturday.

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5/28/12 7:50 A

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Edited by: COOKIEBAKERCAT at: 9/2/2012 (18:38)

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5/27/12 1:24 P

Good Day to all Cargiver Children

I can not remember the last time I visited. Sadly, my mother passed away on February 12, 2012, following almost a year since being diagnossed with a terminal illness--interstitial lung disease.

I am grateful to my Caregiver Children Team for your encouragement, comfort and empathy, you lightened my load during a difficult journey. Just knowing I was not alone was a tremendous help.

Many thanks again and may God bless you as you continue on your journey, my thoughts and prayers are with you. XOXO

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5/24/12 1:13 P

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Edited by: COOKIEBAKERCAT at: 9/2/2012 (18:37)

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5/24/12 12:57 P

What a night. My mother had knee replacement surgery in December. In February, she had to have scar manipulation done because she didn't have the range of motion she needed. She got some in-home physical therapy and was doing better when she went to the doctor in April. We went back last week and she'd lost her range of motion. She went back for scar manipulation again, but this time the doctor did both knees. She was supposed to stay overnight, but we don't think the doctor arranged for it.
I had to work yesterday, so my sister was the one who took her. We were told to be there at 9:00 AM and they didn't take her until 2:30 PM. The doctor looked in on her while she was in recovery so my sister was unable to talk to him. A little after 4:00, they asked my mother if she wanted to go home. She was still under the influence of the anesthesia and she said "Yes".
Long story short, she got home, couldn't get around, wouldn't tell us when she needed to get up. I called the doctor and when he called back, my sister talked to him and he told us to take her back to the hospital. We were there until 3:45 AM, but we got her in a room. When my sister talked to the doctor, he said that my mother had been insistent about going home. Nothing in the discharge papers said that she left against doctor's advice.
We are very angry with the doctor, now. He's an arrogant SOB and one of the best orthopedic doctors. My mother wouldn't change doctors when I tried to get her to change. He can only do surgery in a hospital about 15 to 20 minutes away.
Well that's my vent for today. Thanks for listening.

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5/24/12 7:05 A

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Edited by: COOKIEBAKERCAT at: 9/2/2012 (18:37)