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Dear Daughter of a Loving Father (I don't know your name, so I gave you an identity that I hope you like)... your pain is so well expressed in your note... I and many others here can certainly relate to those feelings! Jenn & Amy have given you some very good advice...esp. the need for a complete evaluation by an internal med. physician and ask for a consult with a psychiatrist to evaluate your current level of depression (often I tried to minimize my symptoms to feel ok about myself & I wasn't being 100% honest with myself). On your home page you show that you have joined Sleep Apnea team, are you currently being treated for sleep apnea (using a CPAP machine, if so, when was it last evaluated & adjusted?)? Sleep apnea does not just affect sleep & resp. system... it can affect all of your gland functioning (think hormone).You might also talk with your pastor, he would hold in confidence anything said, but he also would also know who else has or is experiencing your pain, and is sitting nearby holding in their tears by their smiles...wishing for just 1 other person who they think might relate... but hiding behind a SMILE (you see, I've been there...on the back row, just in case my pain became tears I could run & hide lest anyone see my tears & guess my secret). The solution is always the same... God's promise is always the same, "draw near to me & I will give you peace" our loving Father is only a whisper away! Our enemy can only attack our mind with "you are not worthy of being happy" thoughts, when we forget our greatest weapons are as close as the pages of our Bible! For me, it was & is read & read & read... even when I couldn't & can't focus, it provides a barrier of protection against the enemies threats. I think we will as humans always be threatened on a daily basis, but our Fathers' protection is always stronger! I apologize, this was not meant to be so long. Just know that you will be in my prayers & thoughts.
Gods' will & timing are perfect!
You sound like you are having a hard time and are very down and discouraged. I agree with everything Amy has said, getting your health and meds checked out and a personal check on your relationship with God and how its going is a must if you want to bring up your mood.
One thing that comes to my mind though is what bothers you most. Are you bothered because YOU don't like the way you react to life or are you bothered because OTHERS don't like the way you react? Part of what is going on might be that you are under a lot of pressure and feel like others have expectations on your joy level. Nothing kills an outlook more than, "gotta look happy, someone's looking at me". If YOU aren't bothered by how you see the world, then I think you should take a deep breath about the situation and allow yourself to be you.
Obviously, the supervisor's opinion is something to be concerned about no matter what, but maybe if you talked to him about what would seem less negative in his opinion or what would be the top thing to change to show more positivity, it would give you some feedback on what he is looking for. Knowing what he's wanting to see should take some pressure off too rather than having to blindly stab for perfection.
We are all worms, but I believe that I am a glow worm. - Winston Churchill
My Dear Sister in Christ Jodi,
I'm really sorry that you are not a happy person. I really to remember what that was like! It was pretty awful to have everything kind of colored gray and sad. Looking back, can I make a few suggestions that might have helped me become happier more quickly?
First get a thorough medical checkup by a top rate internist. I had some underlying health problems that were contributing to my depression that weren't discovered until later (that were causing chronic pain) that if were identified earlier, would have helped me recover sooner., Although you might not be in physical pain, there could be something else that is going on physically.
Second, your antidepressant sounds like it isn't working very well! An antidepressant is supposed to LIFT depression - not keep you in it - you need to talk to your doctor and get a medication overhaul and find a combination of medications that work for you that will lift you out of your depression.
Third, like you, my faith was lagging at times during my deepest depression. I don't know if it was the depression talking or what, but I found it hard to connect to God. Of course, I found it hard to connect to anyone, too! But that was me, I don't know how it is for you. I hope that you will join us on MTC, I think that if you have already read the book and returned it to the library, you can still answer the questions and still participate in the chat. I believe that we can talk openly about our faith (or lack of) as we all are on a journey. There are times when I have been disconnected from God and it has been lonely. It would have been so nice to have someone to talk to about it and not be judged! Believe me, you will not be judged here! We are all in this together. I am praying for you and your family.
Fourth, if you can, commit with me to join the PEEL Challenge this week. My computer is dead, and I can't use my husband's computer after today, so my challenge will be off line until mine is fixed, But if you can do one simple nutrition, exercise, spiritual, and personal (taking care of YOU) goal, you will be on the right track for a healthy lifestyle. Make them simple and attainable so you will be successful because success breeds success!
I wish you the best and hope that you have a good week this week. God Bless and Take Care. Let me know how things go.
Love, your sister in Christ,
I can do ALL things through Christ whom strengthens me.
I am not a happy positive person. I really dislike that about myself and I really have to work at it some days. I have a new team of bosses at work and I do not click with one of them. I am hearing through the grapevine that he thinks I am too negative ant not upbeat and energetic. I hate it even more when people I barely know see it. I was at the store yesterday and I couldn't help but notice how happy everyone seems to be. Really . . . who smiles when grocery shopping? or pumping gas? or gets a gutter ball while bowling? I once had mentor mom at church tell me all I had to do was wake up in the morning and decide I was going to be happy that day. Again . . . REALLY . . . don't you think I've tried that already?!?
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