Author: Sorting Last Post on Top ↓ Message:
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
8/29/14 3:45 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply

George, who was 70-years-old, went for his annual physical. All of his test results came back normal. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are real tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF the light goes on when I pee, and then POOF the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife.

"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF the light goes on in the bathroom, and then POOF it goes off when he's done?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
8/27/14 9:26 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
8/26/14 9:48 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Careful What You Wish For

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
8/25/14 9:36 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Top 25 Country and Western Songs of All Time

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
8/21/14 4:13 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Haha!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
8/21/14 11:27 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Q - What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed???
A - Oh sheet!!!

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
8/20/14 9:26 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
8/20/14 8:09 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
The Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
8/19/14 6:33 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

Edited by: MBPP50 at: 8/19/2014 (06:33)
There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
8/18/14 9:13 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
8/17/14 7:14 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
8/17/14 6:59 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Fancy Cooking

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
8/14/14 10:55 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
8/14/14 7:57 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Louisiana Law

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
8/12/14 10:12 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
8/12/14 9:08 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I think I've used this one before - but I like it so I'm using it again!!

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
8/12/14 6:17 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
8/11/14 9:15 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I hope I haven't used this one recently!! I think it's funny!!!

Pull, Buddy, Pull

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
8/8/14 8:47 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon Glad you're back! I missed your daily laughs.

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
8/8/14 8:27 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I'm Back!!!

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself, with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.

Finally, after a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/29/14 11:06 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
OMG! emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/29/14 8:06 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Psychic Advice

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Adviser tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/28/14 10:10 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/28/14 8:03 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.


She asked, "What's on TV?"


I said, "Dust."


And then the fight started...

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/28/14 3:57 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/27/14 9:12 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Getting the Dents Out

A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.

The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out.

The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe.

Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.

Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks,"What in the world are you doing?"

The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/25/14 11:33 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
OMG! That's funny. I can see the fight going on now.

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/25/14 8:03 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.


She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."


I bought her a bathroom scale.


And then the fight started......


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/24/14 11:06 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/24/14 8:04 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Windy Day

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!"



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/23/14 4:34 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
LOL!!!! (My emoticons aren't working)

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/22/14 9:39 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Millions of Stars

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/21/14 8:14 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/21/14 7:33 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
On Second Thought...

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/18/14 12:50 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/18/14 7:33 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Boasting Pirate

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/17/14 1:28 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/17/14 8:11 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Goldfish Passing

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your dang cat."



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/16/14 9:35 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/16/14 8:11 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Blonde Dyes to Brown

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/15/14 9:52 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/15/14 7:54 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
The State of Education

The old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/14/14 10:06 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 1,121
7/14/14 9:01 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
That is funny.... I look so forward to hearing and watching this.. Thanks



He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/14/14 8:01 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
The Funeral Procession

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men. It was led by a man holding a Doberman.

His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief", said Hank, politely. " but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"

"It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee, that's terrible, " commiserated Hank, " but hmmm....is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so ?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "get in line!"



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
JATHUENER's Photo JATHUENER SparkPoints: (21,196)
Fitness Minutes: (4,437)
Posts: 4,029
7/13/14 6:01 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
thank you I really enjoyed and needed that

 current weight: 152.0 
 
174
167.75
161.5
155.25
149
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 1,121
7/13/14 12:46 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
My friend.. He is crazy and is going to be at Gardendale Church... If you need a good laugh.. He is a Christian Comedian.. Enjoy...

youtu.be/mXJowdPIyvo

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 1,121
7/13/14 12:41 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
That was funny..

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
BAMAJAM2 SparkPoints: (1,487)
Fitness Minutes: (0)
Posts: 398
7/11/14 4:15 P

Send Private Message
Reply
Pam, I told this one to my co-worker--- and he laughed so hard he cried!

God grant me the strength to reach my goal.


 current weight: 176.0 
 
176
170.75
165.5
160.25
155
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/11/14 4:07 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/11/14 7:48 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Rude Bus Driver

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"

She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

"You're right sir I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
BAMAJAM2 SparkPoints: (1,487)
Fitness Minutes: (0)
Posts: 398
7/10/14 10:15 A

Send Private Message
Reply
Pam-- How funny this is! Loved it about the " '56 Chevy hubcaps"-- LOL
And in this lovely state, we do say often-- "Ya'll come back!"
Indeed, sweet home-- Alabama!

God grant me the strength to reach my goal.


 current weight: 176.0 
 
176
170.75
165.5
160.25
155
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/10/14 10:02 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
LOL!!!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/10/14 8:11 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Redneck Church

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a Bell, you are called to service by a duck call

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now Ya Hear!"



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/9/14 11:02 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/9/14 7:46 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Tennis Shoes
Date of Joke: Monday, 12th November, 2001


Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the crap out of them. They drop their guns and run like crazy.

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/8/14 10:05 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/8/14 8:15 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Camel Questions

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/7/14 10:38 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/7/14 7:55 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Flight to New York

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she moves to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.

He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/7/14 4:33 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/6/14 9:17 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/4/14 9:26 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/4/14 9:10 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Smart Dogs
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....

First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.

Second Woman : "I know..."

First Woman : "How?"

Second Woman : "My dog told me."



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/3/14 11:08 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/3/14 8:06 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
** I have not seen this joke in years - but it used to be one of favorites!!
Lawyer and the Priest

A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer.

Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer" and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.

He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road" And the priest said "Don't worry son, I got him with my door"



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
7/2/14 3:49 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Hahahahaha! emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
7/2/14 8:08 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
The Guardian Angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
6/27/14 10:34 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
6/27/14 7:32 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Husband :-Ive lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant :-What is her height ?
Husband:-I really never noticed.
Sergeant :- Build?
Husband:-Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Sergeant :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Sergeant :-What was she wearing?
Husband :Dress/suit/ I dont remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband :-yes.
Sergeant :-What kind of car was it?
Husband :-Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power with an eight-speed triptonic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.. at this point the husband started crying...


Sergeant:-Don't worry sir.......We will find your car.

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
6/26/14 10:09 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
6/26/14 8:11 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply


Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked four-year old Johnny to answer the phone.

Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. "Mommy, It's the minister," he said to his mother.

From the kitchen Johnny's mom said, "Tell him I'll call him back."

Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
6/25/14 4:54 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
6/25/14 1:30 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
You Gotta Love Grandma!!

Got a letter from Grandma the other day.

She writes: Today I went up to a local Christian bookstore and
saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.


I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just
come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it
on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy
intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good
He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a
good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that lots of people
love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started
honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and
screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Jesus just go!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and
started wavin and smiling at all these loving people. I even
honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must
have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yell something about a "sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant, and he said that it was
probably a Hawaiian good luck sign, or something. Well, I've
never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the window
and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out
laughing...Why, even he was enjoying this religious
experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking
towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I
attended, but this is when I noticed that the light had
changed. So, I waved to all of my brothers and sisters,
grinned, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through before the
light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to
leave them after all of the love that we had shared, so I
slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them
all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love, Grandma


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
6/24/14 8:49 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
OMG! Too funny. emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
6/24/14 8:10 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
6/23/14 10:02 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
6/23/14 8:17 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
This probably is the way things work in Washington DC!!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
6/20/14 9:46 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon emoticon OMG! Too funny!

Edited by: MBPP50 at: 6/20/2014 (21:47)
There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
6/20/14 9:39 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
BLONDE JOKE!!
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know."

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking " What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

"No..." exclaims the blonde, " I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!!"

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
6/19/14 10:21 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
GOTTALOOSE0122's Photo GOTTALOOSE0122 Posts: 681
6/19/14 8:51 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Cute. emoticon . Wish there was a like button.

Anna
Mobile AL

BLC23 - Mighty Mocha Hunters
BLC24 - Mighty Mocha Hunters

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fqap3Bv
xJAw


 current weight: 179.2 
 
199
181.75
164.5
147.25
130
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
6/19/14 8:03 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Saw this on a sign in my area yesterday....thought it was cute so I'm sharing!!

"Never trust an Atom. They make up everything!!!


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
6/18/14 9:28 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
6/18/14 8:17 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Bridge To Hawaii
Date of Joke: Thursday, 6th March, 2003


A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
6/16/14 9:31 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
OMG! That's a good one! emoticon emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
6/16/14 7:50 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
This is a re-run - but it's one of my favorites!!


One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (34,722)
Fitness Minutes: (16,444)
Posts: 12,728
6/12/14 9:36 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: -1.3  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
SLIMPAM23's Photo SLIMPAM23 Posts: 8,576
6/12/14 8:15 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Red Face

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."



Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 155.0 
 
182
167.75
153.5
139.25
125
Page: 1 of (26)   1 2 Next Page › Last Page »

Report Innappropriate Post

Other Alabama General Team Discussion Forum Posts

Topics: Last Post:
Gods King of the jungle 8/13/2014 6:49:05 AM
July Chat 7/30/2013 1:11:20 AM
Emoticon your mood today! 8/28/2014 7:05:17 AM
:) 1/9/2014 11:31:49 PM
He Loves his Daddy 8/23/2014 6:17:58 AM

Thread URL: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_messageboard_thread.asp?board=0x106x39012660

Review our Community Guidelines