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TOPIC:   Chuckle of the Day!! 


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MILLEDGE2
MILLEDGE2's Photo Posts: 2,972
4/16/14 7:55 A

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SLIMPAM, you always keep us laughing! Thanks for taking time to bring smiles to our team!

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE, you're never too old, never too bad, never too sick to start from scratch and BEGIN AGAIN. - Bikram Choudhury


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SLIMPAM23
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4/15/14 7:50 A

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This one is so dumb it made me laugh - so I'm sharing!!

A cowboy lost his favorite Bible

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the
range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It's a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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4/11/14 8:12 A

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Cat and Mouse

There was a cat and a mouse who went to heaven, and they were there at the same time. Well, the mouse approaches God's throne, and God asks him, "So, how do you like it up here?"

The mouse says, "It's nice, but could I get a pair of roller skates?"

God says, "Sure."

So, the mouse gets his roller skates.

Well, the next day, the cat approaches God's throne, and the same question is directed at him. So, he answers, "It's great! I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!"


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
4/10/14 8:11 A

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Clever Professor
The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

Life does teach some lessons the hard way.


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
4/8/14 8:07 A

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Customer Service

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me.


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
4/4/14 8:18 A

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Feeding the Baby

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
3/28/14 7:43 A

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Why I'm Tired

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.
Related Image
140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing terrorists. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
3/25/14 8:16 A

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Circle Flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
3/21/14 7:57 A

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A) Where do carpenters get their education?
B) Boarding School!!!

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
3/20/14 8:06 A

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Q - What do termites eat for breakfast?
A - Oakmeal!!!


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
3/17/14 8:06 A

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St. Patrick's Day Jokes

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A: Short ribs!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A: Because they're very short-tempered!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Paddy O'furniture!

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
3/14/14 7:53 A

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Giddy Up

One day a man ran into an old friend and asked him if he was still dating the same girl. "No" Replied the friend. "She wasn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Just the other day she decided to ride a horse for the first time. Without any instruction she hopped on and took off at full gallop. Everything was fine for a minute until she started losing her grip and began sliding down the side of the horse. She started grasping desperately at the reigns and the horse's mane. The horse kept it's pace up as she bounced up and down on the ground with the horse's hooves pounding away inches from her head. The horse might have killed her if it were not for an alert Wal-mart greeter who ran over and unplugged the thing!"


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
3/12/14 8:08 A

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Exercise

It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, when you're 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least:

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
3/10/14 8:04 A

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The Border
A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars. He naturally got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

This went on every day for the nest month. Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand.

A few years later, he ran into the biker in a restaurant in Tijuana. After some small talk he said, "Come on . I know you were smuggling something all that time. I won't tell. I'm just curious. What was it?"

The other man said, "Bicycles."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
3/7/14 8:07 A

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The Race

There was a man named Cletus that lived in a small town with only one traffic light. Cletus had saved up his money and bought a mo-ped. One day Cletus was at the light waiting for it to turn green when a shiny new Corvette convertible pulled up next to him. Cletus had never seen anything like this in his life. The Corvette had its top down so Cletus leans over the side of the car and starts checking out the interior. This annoys the driver of the vette so when the light turns green he steps on the gas, laying down rubber as he leaves the intersection. He gets up to 60mph when suddenly Cletus flies by him on his mo-ped. The driver of the vette says to himself "This clown wants to race". Shifting into 4th gear he steps on the gas again. He leaves Cletus in his dust as he gets up to 100mph. Then out of nowhere he sees Cletus coming up fast in his rear view mirror. He can't believe it as Cletus flies by him again on his mo-ped. The driver of the vette shifts into 6th gear and floors it. He passes Cletus and gets up to 150mph! Once again, Cletus passes him like he's standing still. Shocked, the driver of the vette pulls over to the side of the road. He hears gravel flying and brakes squalling as Cletus pulls up next to him. The driver of the vette congratulates Cletus on winning the race and asks him what kind of an engine he has in his mo-ped. Puzzled Cletus replied "Race? I was just trying to get my suspenders off of your side-view mirror."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
3/6/14 8:08 A

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THE TRAFFIC STOP

An older lady gets pulled over for going 70mph in a 35mph zone ...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was going 70 in a 35, too.


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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153.5
139.25
125


SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
3/4/14 7:57 A

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Bird brain

One day a man strolled in to the paint section of a hardware store and walked up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary colored paint," he says. "Sure" the clerk replies. "Mind if I ask what it's for?" "My parakeet, "the man said. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so beautifully he is sure to win." "Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will surely kill the poor thing!" "No they won't," says the customer. "Listen, buddy, I'll bet you twenty bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him." "You're on" said the customer. Two days later the man walks back in the store and very sheepishly lays $20 on the counter. "So the paint killed him?" asked the clerk. "Indirectly," the man said. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but I think the sanding between coats did him in."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
2/28/14 7:59 A

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While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
2/27/14 8:01 A

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Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a $10.00 bill.

So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked Evelyn.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement...!''

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
2/22/14 10:06 A

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My face in the mirror

Isn't wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn't dirty.

The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely,

And so does my lawn.

I think I might never

Put my glasses back on.

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
2/21/14 8:02 A

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The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women
Differences Between Men and Woman

1.Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.


2.That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.


3.Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).


4.Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)


5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.


6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)


7.Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)


8.Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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BAMAJAM
Posts: 2,224
2/14/14 2:24 P

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Oh Pam this is so cute--- and I remember a similar incident with my pre-school son. We were in the crowded waiting room of the eye doctor when a man was brought in--- and he had no legs. He was silent, the crowded room was quiet-- until my little boy said... "Mom".... and I just knew what he was going to say! He asked me, "Mom, how come that man doesn't have legs?"----- Every chair was taken; about twenty people heard my son and awaited my answer!
Even the man remained silent--- So I answered softly--- "I don't know, but this is why people must help him"----
This is a memory of many years ago..

Pam, thank you for all the smiles you provide!

Rejoice in each new day; it is a gift!


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SLIMPAM23
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2/14/14 8:09 A

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While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
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2/12/14 7:43 A

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God's problem now
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
SLIMPAM23's Photo Posts: 8,196
2/7/14 7:37 A

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Out of the Mouths or Babes....
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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BAMAJAM
Posts: 2,224
2/3/14 5:39 P

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hahaha--- some truth to this! LOL

Rejoice in each new day; it is a gift!


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SLIMPAM23
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2/3/14 8:21 A

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Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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SLIMPAM23
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1/31/14 7:58 A

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Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother, who had moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know, I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " And I had a large theatre built in her house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read
anymore because she can't see very well. I met a preacher who told me about a parrot
who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him.
To get the bird, I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.

After the celebration, Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote:

Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. But the thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people,
but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use
it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to
your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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1/30/14 8:07 A

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Recipe for the Percent Roast Beef
Ingredients:
•1 Small Roast Beef
•1 Large Roast Beef

Put both roasts in the oven.

When the little one is burned, the big one is done.


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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1/28/14 8:16 A

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Visit to Chicago

A man wrote a letter to one of the Chicago hotels he planned to stay at while on vacation: "I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well behaved and well-groomed. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room?"

The hotel owner replied, saying, "I've been operating hotels for thirty years. I've never had a dog steal bedclothes, towels, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to kick a dog out in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog skip out on a hotel bill. So, yes, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay, too."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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1/24/14 8:01 A

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Ketchup
A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She heard her daughter say, "Mommy can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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FRISKYBOY65
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1/23/14 8:36 A

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Thank you Pam you made my day emoticon

Edited by: FRISKYBOY65 at: 1/23/2014 (08:36)

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SLIMPAM23
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1/23/14 8:04 A

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Card Buddies

Two elderly ladies had been friends since their 30s. Now in their 80s, they still got together a couple of times a week to play cards. One day they were playing gin rummy and one of them said, "You know, we’ve been friends for many years and, please don't get mad, but for the life of me, I can't remember your name. Please tell me what it is."

Her friend glared at her. She continued to glare and stare at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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1/21/14 9:02 P

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Officers VS Lawyers!!

Lawyer: Did you see my client flee the scene?
Officer: No, sir, I didn’t. But subsequently I observed someone running several blocks away who matched the description of the offender.

Lawyer: Who provided you with the description?
Officer: The officer who responded to the scene.

Lawyer: A fellow officer of yours provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust this fellow officer?
Officer: Yes, sir, with my life.

Lawyer: With your life? Let me then ask you this, officer. Do you have a room were you change your clothes in preparation for the day’s duties?
Officer: Yes, sir, we do.

Lawyer: And do you have a locker in that room?
Officer: Yes, sir, I do.

Lawyer: And do you have a lock on your locker?
Officer: Yes, sir.

Lawyer: Why is it, officer, that if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those some officers?
Officer: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex. And sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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1/19/14 6:53 P

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DEEP THINKING......

Why does rain drop for snow fall?

What disease did cured ham have?
Related Image
What's the difference between unique and very unique?

We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?

When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?

Can you cry under water?

Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?

When you get to heaven, are you stuck for eternity wearing the same clothes you were buried in?

Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?

Why are actors IN movies but ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?

Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?

What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan? (Ans: Baby's Palm)

We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say? (Ans: It's Chinese to me.)

If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?

Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They're both dogs.

Do "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?

On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?

Can you drive in the car pool lane if you're driving a hearse with a corpse in it?

Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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RHAN0435
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1/17/14 2:07 P

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really cute!



BAMAJAM
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1/17/14 12:50 P

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LOL

Skinny people bug me too. ...especially when they harp on being "fat", and they are size 2.

Haven't you met that kind?!

Rejoice in each new day; it is a gift!


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SLIMPAM23
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1/17/14 7:56 A

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Girlie Wisdom

One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five pounds.

The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them.

It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.

What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills?
You have 12 kids, but you don't really care.

Skinny people bug me. They say things like, "Sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my keys, my glasses, my address and my mother's maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes.

Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.

My mind doesn't wander, it leaves completely.

What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? I shrinks two sizes.

It's nice to live in a small town, because if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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TERRY011360
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1/15/14 8:13 P

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pretty funny!! emoticon

I am going to do this!!!!!


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BAMAJAM
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1/15/14 3:49 P

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Hilarious cat story, Pam!
( four of 'em live in my yard, and I wish I could "lose" them)

Rejoice in each new day; it is a gift!


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ANETTEPIER
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1/15/14 9:52 A

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Thanks for the laugh. Have a great day!



SLIMPAM23
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1/15/14 7:56 A

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Lose The Cat
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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1/11/14 9:05 P

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A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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FRISKYBOY65
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1/11/14 7:39 A

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emoticon Love the joke yesterday


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SLIMPAM23
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1/8/14 8:20 A

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Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was
speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it
turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the
chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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1/7/14 9:31 P

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Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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BAMAJAM
Posts: 2,224
1/3/14 12:12 P

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Yep-- those fat cells live forever, Pam!

Another: -- A moment on the lips--forever on the hips!

Rejoice in each new day; it is a gift!


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SLIMPAM23
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1/2/14 9:26 P

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Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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1/1/14 12:06 P

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When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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CEB2007
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1/1/14 9:23 A

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The Grandma at the airport joke made me laugh. Just had to read it to my husband. Thanks for sharing.


Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it. www.ceb2007.wordpress.com www.ceb2007.blogspot.com


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SLIMPAM23
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12/28/13 9:01 A

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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence in the classroom.....
But the rest of the year went very smoothly!!!

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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12/27/13 8:12 A

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When the bus driver stopped the bus to pick up Little Chris for preschool, she noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" she asked.

"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

"How nice," the bus driver said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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12/24/13 7:55 A

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LOVE it BAMAJAM!!

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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BAMAJAM
Posts: 2,224
12/23/13 1:00 P

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That "red wagon story" is adorable, Pam!

A kindergarten teacher asked her class at Christmas time to draw a picture of the nativity scene. All the children drew pictures of the stable, Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus--- all except for Tommy. Tommy's picture had, Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus-- but Tommy had drawn a round, fat figure in the corner of his paper. When the teacher asked Tommy "Who is this?"--- Tommy answered, "Oh, that is-- round John Virgin!"

Rejoice in each new day; it is a gift!


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SLIMPAM23
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12/23/13 7:55 A

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Not really funny - but very sweet!!

Christmas Present

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.
Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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BAMAJAM
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12/19/13 1:04 P

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So cute-- and so natural --HA!

Rejoice in each new day; it is a gift!


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SLIMPAM23
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12/19/13 8:00 A

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Saying a Prayer for the Christmas Meal

Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his Mommy, Daddy, brothers, sister, Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then lee paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't he know that I'm lying?"


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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12/18/13 7:51 A

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Christmas.... The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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12/17/13 7:55 A

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Christmas Spirit

It was just before Christmas and the judge was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was before him, 'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early.'

'That's no crime', said the judge 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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12/15/13 7:06 P

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Christmas TurkeyChristmas quotes

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'


Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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12/12/13 9:26 P

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Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
A. Thanks, I'll never part with it!

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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SLIMPAM23
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12/7/13 10:45 A

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Horses
Q: Why are horses such lousy dancers?

A: They have two left feet!

Behold the turtle, he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.

Baby Steps will get you to the same place as giant leaps as long as you are going in the right direction!!




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