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PLANTAGO's Photo PLANTAGO SparkPoints: (18,502)
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12/18/12 1:21 P

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Our 20 y.o. and 16 y.o. sons are not confirmed yet. 13 y.o.daughter decided to be confirmed this year. It was her own personal decision. I was confirmed at the age of 14 and didn't understand it at all. So I am really glad they are able to decide by themselves.

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JENSAWIP's Photo JENSAWIP Posts: 169
12/18/12 11:25 A

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I was relieved to see this topic, sometimes I feel like the only one! My 15 y.o. daughter has just decided that she doesn't want to be confirmed yet & I've been trying to decide how to deal with it. Our pastor made a similar declaration to what Teaching1st heard. It's hard to hear, but I really think he's right. We can't force someone, even if it's our own child, to believe and follow in their heart. So, right now, I'm rolling with it and waiting to see if she comes around.
I am, however, having her continue to attend mass (which she does like) and Sunday school. This is under the premise that she needs to continue to learn, so she can one day make her choice. If she chooses to remain silent at church, I let her. She'll sit silently during grace, but won't pray along anymore. Did I mention that I pray to the Lord for strength every week? :-)
Now, regarding the in-laws, I would have a frank talk with your daughter about that. Tell her that her grandmother may treat her differently, even though she shouldn't, and that it's her grandmother's mindset, not yours. Tell her you support her and be her sounding board if she needs to talk about it, most importantly you're coming from a place of love. It's such a delicate cake walk with teenage girls! IMHO, your MIL sounds like she would benefit from some study & prayer! Just like the people that act a fool before they even leave the church parking lot.
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CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,768
11/17/12 11:56 A

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That's good news that she is making headway in her therapy sessions.
Thanks for the update!


cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
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Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
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SEAGLASS1215's Photo SEAGLASS1215 Posts: 214
11/17/12 6:25 A

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At this point I am hoping to simply set a good example - I am not forcing her to go with me to church but I do talk about how good I feel inside after going, mention friends of hers I have seen there, etc. I know I felt 'pushed' when I was her age and I resented it.

By the way - a heartfelt thank you to everyone for your prayers! She has been making huge strides in her therapy and I am feeling like she may finally be heading in the right direction.

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CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,768
11/16/12 11:14 P

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TRINITY - that's a good point about even if you think you have done it how "some people" want, they may still not be pleased.

DOLPHIN - thank you for sharing your story.


cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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DOLPHINSINGER72's Photo DOLPHINSINGER72 Posts: 1,163
11/16/12 1:42 P

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I will keep your daughter in my prayers. Also the rest of your family that there is peace.

Let me just share my story with you. I was raised Catholic. I went to 13 years of Catholic school. I got all the sacraments while I was in school. By the time Confirmation came I was not feeling it either. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be Christian, and I sure was questioning EVERYTHING. I would even refuse to say the Nicene or Apostles Creed.

When I was in my 20s I would go to Christian non-denominational churches. Now I have just turned 40 and I have found my way back to my home Church. I do think that young adults need to make their own decisions and find what they truly want to believe. I am glad I got my confirmation when I did. For one my dear aunt was my sponsor and she has since passed away from lung cancer, so that was a special thing we got to share before she left us.

Good luck!

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TRINITYROYAL's Photo TRINITYROYAL Posts: 2,399
11/16/12 9:51 A

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Reacharound, I think you've already received great advice from the others.

I agree that, given your daughter's recovery and current fragility it may not be the right time. I also think CJ has some great advice about finding out what's bothering her specifically, and doing what you can to guide and help her.

As for the in-laws, they will think what they think regardless of what your family decides to do. Even if your daughter does complete her Confirmation, they may think that she didn't "Do it right", whatever that means. There's just no pleasing some people, and it's not worth the effort if they're determined to be displeased even when you try.

Saying prayers for you and your daughter.
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BELLACUDDLES's Photo BELLACUDDLES Posts: 21,690
10/29/12 9:05 A

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Prayers being sent upward!

Barbara .....that's what my friends call me! Never cared for the name Barb.

Make it a blessed and healthy day! IT IS YOUR CHOICE!

Remember how special you are and how you are soooooo worth it to be healthy and fit!!

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ANCILLADOMINI Posts: 1,205
10/27/12 2:03 P

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ReachAround,

I pray she continues to recover.

Hugs,

Valerie

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CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,768
10/27/12 10:15 A

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And all of that is why you are her best guide right now - you know her infinitely better than anyone, and can see when it is time to "nudge", and when it is time to let her be, and when it is time to just be there for her.

May God bless you now and always.

cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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SEAGLASS1215's Photo SEAGLASS1215 Posts: 214
10/26/12 8:25 P

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Thank you all for your kind words.
My daughter is struggling with a lot right now and this is simply one added thing to her plate. It's why I hate to push her, she is in a fragile state and going through some intense therapy which is helping - but she is a long way from "better".
Your prayers at this time are most appreciated!

The most over-used antidepressant is food. The most under used antidepressant is exercise.

Food is fuel, not my therapist.


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MIAJOEB's Photo MIAJOEB SparkPoints: (184,320)
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10/26/12 5:27 P

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I have been shocked at what people think we believe... and have been really happy to kindly share the truth..

Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things:... Psalm 98

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though... we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day my day....So fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal
2 COR 16-18

Doing nothing is the most perfect form of action, when I do nothing there is nothing left undone and there is nothing left to do.... The Way by Lao Tse


 
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CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,768
10/25/12 11:34 P

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I was reading a post and subsequent comments on Catholic Answers Forum yesterday that was on a similar (although not exact) topic.

Perhaps there are questions your daughter has regarding the Church and the Faith and she simply needs some catechesis.

Do you know what it is she does not like right now about the Faith? Perhaps you can lead her to some good solid answers if she does.

If I remember a good comment from that other board, it was something like, "Sometimes it is not the actual Church or Faith that we do not like or agree with, but our *understanding* of the Church that we disagree with."

I know many Christians have complained to me about why I go to church every Sunday, or that I "worship" our Blessed Mother, or that the reason I do not use contraception is because the Church wishes me to have as many Catholics as possible (!). It is not the Church that they disagreeing with, but their perception of what the Church stands for.

Usually when I explain that we *honour* Mary as our Lord's mother (as we are called to do by virtue of the 4th Commandment), that I do not contracept because to do so separates the two purposes of sex (babies and bonding), and that I go to church every week (or more frequently) because I feel it is the least I can do to offer worship to our Lord for everything He has done for us, they understand a little better.

I wish you all the best, and pray that God will guide all of you at this time.

cj



Edited by: CJBAGGINS at: 10/25/2012 (23:34)
God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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DEE107's Photo DEE107 SparkPoints: (360,974)
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10/25/12 10:23 P

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will be praying

DEE Southern New Jersey
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ALLENJOSEPH's Photo ALLENJOSEPH SparkPoints: (64,854)
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10/25/12 4:09 P

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REACHAROUND, I will be praying that our Lord will lead and watch over your Daughter ( may she find her way), and that He will also touch the minds and hearts of your in-laws. May they learn to be less judging and more loving .
Your prayers will be a part of my Rosaries each day.
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Edited by: ALLENJOSEPH at: 10/25/2012 (16:10)
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Spark People Team Leader, GLITTERGIRL, from Team, "I Can't Do This On My Own", helped me reach my goal in 2012. I was able to maintain my weight for several months, but now I have to get serious again as much of my hard work I let go of, putting my focus on another issue. I will keep on, until I get back to my goal.


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10/25/12 4:02 P

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I wasn't going to comment on this thread, mostly since I have nothing new to add. As the parent of three (ages 21, 18, 12), I am in the thick of these types of questions about faith. And I wonder how my kids will work through their struggles with the church.

However, I absolutely love what Valerie said about Mary! We should all be blessed with such in-laws!

"You cannot accept another with a hateful heart. You cannot hear the other with a closed mind. You cannot embrace with closed arms. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
--Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi


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ANCILLADOMINI Posts: 1,205
10/25/12 1:39 P

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Reacharound,

1. I don't think anyone should be forced to be confirmed. If your daughter honestly does not believe what the Church teaches, then she should not make a public claim that she does--nor should her sponsor be willing to sponsor her if they understand that she is not committed to the faith. If she has an open heart, then God will call her when it's time. If she doesn't, then Confirmation won't change that.

2. I don't agree that it's fine if she never chooses to be confirmed. Depending on her ability to understand and seek truth, there could be eternal consequences. So, I'd keep praying and hoping, but not exerting large amounts of pressure--ultimately the work to be done is between her and God.

3. Never worry about what the in-laws think. If Mary had been worried about the in-laws' opinions, Jesus would never have been born. God gave you the necessary graces to raise your daughter--not them.

Hugs,

Valerie

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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 26,663
10/25/12 1:32 P

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I will pray that your daughter will make the right decision for her at this time, and that your MIL will not react as badly as you fear if your daughter chooses not to be confirmed now.

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"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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ANCILLADOMINI Posts: 1,205
10/25/12 1:29 P

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Mia, maybe they come to you because of your gentle nature.

Hugs,

Valerie

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MIAJOEB's Photo MIAJOEB SparkPoints: (184,320)
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10/25/12 11:09 A

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I have been assisting people who want to be adults in the "Church" for the last 15 years.
I explain about RCIA and more recently Catholics Coming Home.
Then I pray." If today you hear his voice, harden not your heart."
I have brought a young mother to the Church last year.
And this year a 16 year old...has asked me to sponsor her.
I do not understand why they are attracted to me.
But the 16 year old's mother is attending class with us.
We will see if she is willing to do the work.
Pray for those whom God is calling.
May those who are ready to hear his voice come to a kindly person instead of a judgemental one..
May they have +kindly+ people who will welcome them.



Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things:... Psalm 98

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though... we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day my day....So fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal
2 COR 16-18

Doing nothing is the most perfect form of action, when I do nothing there is nothing left undone and there is nothing left to do.... The Way by Lao Tse


 
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10/25/12 8:23 A

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I think you are doing the right thing. I would keep "a low profile" and not "push it" either. I am going to pray for peace for your in laws. I know what it's like to have a monster in law. I coined that phrase 20 years before the movie!
Keep us posted.......

Actions speak louder than words.


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TEACHING1ST's Photo TEACHING1ST SparkPoints: (83,853)
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10/25/12 7:31 A

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I'm sure you'll be getting prayers AND advice! It's so hard to be a mother, especially of a teen.

My thoughts on this are rather simplistic and I'm sure someone else will give sage advice. All of my children are in their early to late 30's now. Both my daughter and older son did make their Confirmation on schedule. The dd still goes to Mass every once in a while but is a confirmed(!) Catholic in her own way. The son only goes on special occasions and only to please me. My youngest was already in Confirmation class at 16 when the priest told all the kids that if they were there only to please parents or grandparents they really weren't ready to become Confirmed Catholics. A cheer rang out, almost all the kids gave triumphant high fives, and most decided not to be confirmed! That child, my youngest, is almost 32 and is getting married in the spring ---in the church. His fiance just got a hard-fought annulment of her first marriage, also in the church. He will have to take Confirmation classes soon----but he's ready now, he says, and they've been going to Mass regularly for over a year now. You just never know....once she grows up your daughter may decide to 'come back' or she may choose to go elsewhere. I was irritated at our priest for giving these kids the idea that they should be making up their own minds at the time...but in the long run, they are working their way through life experiences and it IS a committment.

I hope your daughter will, with your help, come to the right conclusion for her!

Mary
Houston, TX.


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SEAGLASS1215's Photo SEAGLASS1215 Posts: 214
10/25/12 4:48 A

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My daughter is 15 and has mixed feelings about making her confirmation. She states she wants to be a "Christian" but not necessarily a Catholic. She says she will make her confirmation so she can someday get married in church, but her heart is not in it and I feel that to just go through the motions of making her Confirmation is not what she should do. She can certainly wait until she is older and if she then wants to be confirmed, she can. Or she may choose not to, and that is fine too, I'm not trying to pressure her into doing something she does not believe in. She has had some issues recently and has been in intensive outpatient therapy. Part of what she has learned is to be herself, to speak her mind and not do things just to please others or fit in (like hanging with the wrong crowd, or doing drugs because everyone else is). She has always argued about going to church and questions the Catholic faith at every turn.

My worry is mostly about my in-laws who are super religious and will most likely blame me, their son, the President, and anyone else they can for this outrageous rebellion. My MIL will certainly hate me more than she does now - not that I care, I'm just concerned that she will treat my daughter differently from the other grandchildren.

I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or just some prayers so my daughter can make the right decision for herself and not be ostracized at family gatherings for following her own heart.

Thanks.

The most over-used antidepressant is food. The most under used antidepressant is exercise.

Food is fuel, not my therapist.


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