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FLRED12 Posts: 2,845
1/9/13 10:46 P

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Good one.

Edited by: FLRED12 at: 1/19/2013 (13:02)
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Chinese philosopher Laozi
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1/9/13 9:57 P

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thanks

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TRINITYROYAL's Photo TRINITYROYAL Posts: 2,399
1/8/13 11:48 A

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One Sunday after church a mom asked her young daughter what the lesson was about.
Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.
Later that day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming".

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11/26/12 12:16 A

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.


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FLRED12 Posts: 2,845
11/25/12 11:27 P

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Very funny, I will have to share. emoticon

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Chinese philosopher Laozi
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11/25/12 11:15 P

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So good! Will have to share!




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7/31/12 10:24 P

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thanks Marge

DEE Southern New Jersey
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Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/31/12 3:35 P

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I quite agree with CJ. We can't keep relying on Marge for new material!

I also appreciate the jokes, but admit to not following every single thread emoticon

emoticon Marge!

You are emoticon

"You cannot accept another with a hateful heart. You cannot hear the other with a closed mind. You cannot embrace with closed arms. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
--Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi


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7/31/12 2:57 P

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Hi Marge.

I enjoy the jokes, but the thread may have run its course for now.
I will continue to check out your blog for new jokes, but feel free to let this thread slide to the bottom, if you wish.

Someone else may pick up on the idea another time, or a new member may find the thread and resurrect it later.

emoticon emoticon

cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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7/31/12 9:50 A

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Hi, Teammates! It doesn't seem like more that two or three of us visit this thread. Do you think it's time to let it go? I'm also putting these jokes on my blog now.... Please let me know what you think...

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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7/31/12 9:48 A

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A COWBOY TOMBSTONE :

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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7/29/12 10:45 P

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/29/12 1:44 P

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The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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7/27/12 11:30 P

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/27/12 6:25 P

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Thanks, Marge. I love that one! Thanks for keep this thread lighthearted. Here's one my aunt shared:

The young man came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

The buddy replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."



emoticon

"You cannot accept another with a hateful heart. You cannot hear the other with a closed mind. You cannot embrace with closed arms. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
--Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi


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7/27/12 10:12 A

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A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.


Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,597
7/22/12 5:15 P

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Love em!

I laughed out loud (literally) at the horse getting the Last Rites.

cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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7/18/12 11:12 P

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/17/12 1:38 P

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TEXTING CODES:

Young people have theirs, so now.... Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM - Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* FYI - Found Your Insulin

* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* TTYL - Talk to You Louder

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

* WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

* WTP - Where're the Prunes

* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help....... *GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

PS: Share these with others who have earned Sr. status; you may also want to save these for your own future reference.


Have a happy day, with lots of smiles!! emoticon

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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7/15/12 11:06 P

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cute

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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/15/12 9:24 P

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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7/12/12 11:53 P

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good one

DEE Southern New Jersey
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/12/12 11:41 P

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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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7/11/12 11:07 P

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good ones

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/11/12 10:25 P

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CATHOLIC HORSES



A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies

And all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.



Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'



Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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7/11/12 10:24 P

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Good ones, Trinity! emoticon

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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7/11/12 3:49 P

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The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who's more important than the president?

Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!

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7/11/12 3:48 P

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Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

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7/10/12 11:23 P

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so cute lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/10/12 10:49 P

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."


At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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7/10/12 12:30 A

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/10/12 12:26 A

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A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, "Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep."

Suddenly he looked up and shouted, "And don't forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!"

"There is no need to shout like that," said his mother. "God isn't deaf."

"No," said the little boy, "but Grandma is."

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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7/6/12 11:44 P

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Secrets of Life
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special
40s & up...Sculpting a new U

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/6/12 1:22 P

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Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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6/16/12 10:08 P

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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6/16/12 6:47 P

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My trip to the store......

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing
me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!


Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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6/15/12 11:54 P

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Long Live The Cowboy

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson
that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to
sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45
great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a
15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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6/11/12 8:49 A

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Secrets of Life
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special
40s & up...Sculpting a new U

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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6/11/12 12:37 A

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After the Honeymoon

Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.
When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'

'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'


Edited by: SMARGED at: 6/11/2012 (00:41)
Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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6/6/12 10:01 P

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Secrets of Life
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special
40s & up...Sculpting a new U

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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6/6/12 1:26 P

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OBSERVATIONS ON MATURING:

It's harder to tell navy from black.

Your kids are becoming you ... and you don't like them! ... but your grandchildren are perfect.

Going out is good... Coming home is better.

When people say you look "Great," they add "for your age."

When you needed the discount you had to pay full price. Now you get discounts on
everything: movies, hotels, flights... and you don't feel like going.

You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth.

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

You realize you're never going to be really good at anything... especially golf.

Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep."

You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married. Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

You use more 4 letter words... "what?," "when?"

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

Many of the people in ‘People Magazine’ you've never heard of.

Everybody whispers.

Now that your husband has retired, you’d give anything if he'd find a job.

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet... 2 of which you will never wear.

But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies, best of all: OLD FRIENDS. Thanks for being one of mine!


Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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6/5/12 9:07 P

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Secrets of Life
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special
40s & up...Sculpting a new U

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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6/5/12 1:46 A

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MORE KIDS IDEAS ABOUT MARRIAGE

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is....

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10



Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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6/5/12 12:09 A

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Not really a joke, but a gentle reminder to keep us smiling here emoticon

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
emoticon

"You cannot accept another with a hateful heart. You cannot hear the other with a closed mind. You cannot embrace with closed arms. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
--Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi


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6/3/12 11:55 P

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oh my how cute

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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6/3/12 11:35 P

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KIDS IDEAS ABOUT MARRIAGE

1. HOW TO DECIDE WHO TO MARRY

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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6/1/12 11:53 P

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Secrets of Life
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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6/1/12 11:19 A

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Out Of Gas

A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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5/31/12 11:24 P

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how true

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/31/12 11:10 P

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Oh dear! Unfortunately, so true!!!! Thanks for the laugh!

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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5/31/12 10:33 P

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Since we are talking about age, I received this one from my younger sister!

1975: Long hair
NOW: Longing for hair

1975: KEG
NOW: EKG

1975: Acid rock
NOW: Acid reflux

1975: Moving to California because it's cool
NOW: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
NOW: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1975: Seeds and stems
NOW: Roughage

1975: Hoping for a BMW
NOW: Hoping for a BM

1975: Going to a new, hip joint
NOW: Receiving a new hip joint

1975: Rolling Stones
NOW: Kidney Stones

1975: Being called into the principal's office
NOW: Calling the principal's office

1975: Screw the system
NOW: Upgrade the system

1975: Disco
NOW: Costco

1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1975: Passing the drivers' test
NOW: Passing the vision test

1975: Whatever
NOW: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things..

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1993.

They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.


"You cannot accept another with a hateful heart. You cannot hear the other with a closed mind. You cannot embrace with closed arms. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
--Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi


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5/31/12 9:43 P

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thank you that was so cute

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/31/12 12:01 P

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Got this today in an email from my brother.... though I'd share it for a laugh or two....

REMEMBER WHEN?

1950s version of an E-Mail

I have no idea who put this together, but it is wonderful!!

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn..

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz , and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice..

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.
NOTE: Ronald Reagan became a registered Republican in 1962

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had no Crest with fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me,Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill..

And middle-aged was 35 and old was fifty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines..
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

If you didn't grow up in the fifties,
you missed the greatest time in history.

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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5/30/12 9:41 P

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Secrets of Life
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special
40s & up...Sculpting a new U

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/30/12 12:54 A

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Sometimes I sit here alone at the computer laughing out loud, too!!

Here's one for today...


WHY PARENTS DRINK

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John,

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.


Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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5/30/12 12:13 A

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It's late night here; I'm chuckling to myself; husband is wondering what in the world I'm doing on my computer while he pecks on his laptop directly across from me!
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"You cannot accept another with a hateful heart. You cannot hear the other with a closed mind. You cannot embrace with closed arms. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
--Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi


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5/28/12 12:33 A

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/27/12 11:23 P

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Had a good laugh at that one, Dee!


SOUND HEALTH ADVICE (I did not know this...)

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends


Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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5/27/12 10:33 P

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An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from
His bed one morning. It was a
Fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
The beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.

There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a moment....................................
.......

Father O'Malley then replied:

'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''


DEE Southern New Jersey
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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/26/12 9:34 P

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Thank you all for the laughs!

I can't wait to hear a good joke to share with you.

cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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5/24/12 10:50 P

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good one

DEE Southern New Jersey
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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/24/12 10:33 P

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The perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care. emoticon

"You cannot accept another with a hateful heart. You cannot hear the other with a closed mind. You cannot embrace with closed arms. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
--Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi


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5/24/12 9:33 P

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At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice.

During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.


DEE Southern New Jersey
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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/24/12 8:11 P

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so cute

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/24/12 11:53 A

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DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

POOR LION

A Sunday school teacher was telling the youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. She had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. One little girl started to cry. The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel." The girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, he ain't going to get any food."

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"


Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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5/24/12 12:03 A

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My priest told the one about the squirrels during his homily one Sunday.

I love the sin of lying one! Hilarious!


Thanks for the laughs everyone.


cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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5/23/12 10:34 P

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so cute

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/23/12 4:07 P

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There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church, and
The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The METHODIST CHURCH got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The CATHOLIC CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the JEWISH SYNAGOGUE, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called Bris (circumcision) and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.


Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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5/22/12 10:38 P

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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


DEE Southern New Jersey
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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/22/12 8:20 A

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good ones

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/22/12 12:16 A

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SUNDAY SCHOOL

THE GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I
know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"



Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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5/20/12 10:45 P

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those are cute

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/20/12 10:35 P

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Reasons Why English is so Hard to Learn!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in an
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. You park in the driveway but you drive on the parkway. You ship by truck and send cargo by ship. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And finally, how about when you want to shut down your computer you have to hit "START!!


"You cannot accept another with a hateful heart. You cannot hear the other with a closed mind. You cannot embrace with closed arms. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
--Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi


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5/20/12 2:37 P

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The way Children See Things


NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"




Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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5/20/12 1:29 P

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10 Questions

Our local paper runs a popular column called

"10 Questions" that spotlights people who live

in our community. In addition to the usual

inquiries about occupation and age, people are

asked questions that give a snapshot of their

personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the

strangest thing you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question: "What is the most common thing

people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

- from Da Mouse Tracks

DEE Southern New Jersey
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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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Parachuting

Parachuting from a helicopter over a drop zone

inside Camp Dawson, W. Va., a lieutenant colonel

from the Special Forces Group Airborne found

himself doing battle with a sudden 22-knot wind,

which forced him onto a nearby golf course.

On landing, the Green Beret fumbled for the

release but another gust drove the chute and its

struggling captive down the fairway, catching

the attention of three players about to tee off.

"Can we help?" shouted the golfers.

Sliding by them, the officer clung to his sense

of humor as well as his pride. "No, thanks," he

called out. "I'll just play through."

- from S. Sue Ward (via Humor In Uniform)

DEE Southern New Jersey
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/20/12 12:42 A

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emoticon emoticon


cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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5/19/12 11:12 P

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cute lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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40s & up...Sculpting a new U

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/19/12 2:41 P

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Thanks for the laughs..... Now......

I HAVE A QUESTION…..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
' THEIRS'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Lord, please keep Your arm around my shoulders and Your hand over my mouth. Amen


Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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5/19/12 11:31 A

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Great idea, Marge. Thanks!

Here are a few children's prayers that I'm sure our Lord has heard emoticon

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! But don't shove me either."

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One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

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A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

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A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes..." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

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Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." “Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

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A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"


"You cannot accept another with a hateful heart. You cannot hear the other with a closed mind. You cannot embrace with closed arms. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
--Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi


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5/19/12 11:25 A

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Those are great, guys! Thanks so much for the laughs.


cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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5/19/12 8:39 A

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"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.

"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"



DEE Southern New Jersey
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/19/12 8:38 A

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so cute

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/19/12 8:22 A

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"True Grief"



A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"



The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"



The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."





'Animals have done us no harm and they have no power of resistance. There is something so dreadful in tormenting those who have never harmed us, who cannot defend themselves, who are utterly in our power' .........Cardinal John Henry Newman.


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5/18/12 10:57 P

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey
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Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/18/12 3:23 P

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emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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5/18/12 2:03 P

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Here's one for all you dog lovers...


Questions for God from the Family Dog

TO: GOD

FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around?

We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?


Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. I will not eat my Mom’s panties or socks.

8. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.

9. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table..

10. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

11. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

12. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

13. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?


Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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5/18/12 12:19 A

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New Recipe

I don't have potatoes,

So I substituted rice.

I didn't have Paprika,

So I used another spice.

I didn't have tomato sauce,

So I used tomato paste.

A whole can not a half can,

I don't believe in waste.

A friend gave me the recipe,

She said you couldn't beat it.

there must be something wrong with her,

I couldn't even eat it.

- from Ann F.


DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/18/12 12:18 A

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Cactus

During a tour at the Arizona Sonora Desert

Museum, a New York City woman mentioned that

she was raising a type of cactus in a pot on

her apartment balcony.

Another tourist asked her how she kept from

watering it too much, because the cactus

would die if over watered.

"I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper,"

replied the New Yorker. "Every time I read

that it rained in the desert, I give my

plant some water."

- from Da Mouse Tracks

DEE Southern New Jersey
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/17/12 11:34 P

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I know, Dee. I always enjoyed your stories and jokes, though.

Good idea Marge!

Let's hear some more jokes everyone! The Good Lord gave us senses of humour, let's use them!


cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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5/17/12 10:52 P

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Well, Dee, let's try again, OK? I need to laugh these days to lower the stress level a little! Share your latest funny story with us!

Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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5/17/12 10:48 P

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we did have a humor joke posting I was doing it but Saddly no one read them

DEE Southern New Jersey
CARETAKER'S OF OUR LOVE ONE'S
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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5/17/12 10:29 P

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Brilliant Marge !

Glad I inspired the up and coming joke department here on CC !

Laughter to me is very very important, it does a body, soul and emotions good !

I love to make others laugh and I love to be entertained as well.

So let's make our days lighter with a good bellylaugher, my fellow CCs !!!

'Animals have done us no harm and they have no power of resistance. There is something so dreadful in tormenting those who have never harmed us, who cannot defend themselves, who are utterly in our power' .........Cardinal John Henry Newman.


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5/17/12 10:24 P

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aint it the truth!- i have just forwarded that to all my friends and family- too funny

Marriage isn’t like a tray of hors d'oeuvres. You can’t just pick what you fancy; you’ve got to take the lot or nothing. – Cary Grant, The Grass Is Greener

“Fairy tales, are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated.” — G.K. Chesterton


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5/17/12 10:19 P

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VERYVEGANGIRL's story gave me an idea... why don't we share funny things we come across.... As we all know, laughter is good for the the body and for the soul!"

SITTING ON THE FRONT PORCH

On the first day,God created the dog and said,sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I Will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.


Marge

"I sing your praise, God, my King;
I bless your name forever and ever!"
Ps. 145

"If you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul, you shall find Him!" (Dt. 4:29)


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