My Primal journey has been a really strange road. I found some moderate success living primal about 3 years ago when I was cast in a show and the choreographer recommended it to me.
You can read more about my first primal journey on my SparkPage. Basically, it amounts to, I was a fat kid a fat teen and a fat adult. I am talented and meant for great things, but the weight always held me back. I dealt with rejection after rejection in all areas of my life, but stubbornly kept plugging along, defying others to tell me I wasn't good enough, while secretly harboring the suspicion that it was really true. I'm stubborn in that way.
Then paleo came and I began to feel better. I was able. I was capable. I was strong. Then, this last year happened. I allowed some negative things to affect me and as a result, have been just about the worst primal pal ever. My doctor did not like my diet and even though I felt better than I had in my WHOLE LIFE, he told me I had to get off it or I was going to get diabetes (...what? Honestly, that should have been my first clue). So I quit, but instead of going back to whole grains and calorie counting, I kinda ignored everything and started eating what my brain thought it wanted. Brownies, doughnuts, mac n cheese, pizza. Between my terrible diet, my long hours at a job I love (I started my own small theater company in Seattle in 2011), stress, the breaking of one of my legs and the no sleeping coming from all of this, I am incredibly surprised that I did not gain more than the 4 lbs I put on.
But, again, I am stubborn. I continued on this path, knowing that I was killing myself daily with every bite I was taking. And then I fell in love. Not the kind where it's all a fairy tale and he accepts me and loves me cause I'm a sassy, intelligent, talented, funny lady that makes him laugh. Oh no. And not the kind where it's a fleeting fancy of passionate crushing. The kind where he suits me and accepts me and gets me. Also the kind where he likes me so much because I'm a sassy, intelligent, talented, funny lady that makes him laugh, but he could never be attracted to me.
Aaaaaaand that was it. I hit bottom.
I had taken one rejection too many. For 32 years, my whole life, I have been staring baldly into the faces of people who think me less than worthy and mentally flipping them off because they did not know me. They did not know exactly how talented and fun and clever I am. But hearing that those things were not even a factor in his decision that we would never be together was too much.
I cried and felt worthless for a week. Then something snapped and I went back to primal right then and there. That was a week ago, and I'm already down 5 lbs (as of yesterday).
I am unsure why I grasped on to something so positive while feeling the most negative I've ever felt. But I am so glad I did. Instead of whirlpooling down into a dark underworld of possibly irreversible self destruction, I am rising up, once again mentally flipping off those who tell me I do not meet standards of acceptability.
I am worthy. And beautiful. And talented. And strong. And flipping stubborn. And I will do this. Oh yes. I will.
And I'm so glad to have found a group of other strong women and men who understand to assist me along the way.
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