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First of all, hi. Second, McRick was right - she had great suggestions, and you didn't "fail" - matter of fact, perhaps what happened was what motivated you to write the message on teh boards, here, and in doing so, introduced you to more people who can offer you more support, and make you see you are not alone in this. Sometimes it sure feels alone - after all, it's something we do by ourselves, whether it's the overeating or the purging. And it calls more when no one's around to make us answer for it. But...you aren't alone in that you don't have to face it by yourself.
I won't make you have to suffer through all of my long - winded story (because I talk WAY too much) - I will, though, add maybe a couple of suggestions that might help you get over the binging thing when the urge hits. The going outside one from McRick was a great idea, to get yourself out of the place that is motivating you to want to binge. If you can't or aren't able to, one thing that used to help me (and this also helped me break a 27 yr, three pack a day smoking habit, too), was every time I felt I couldn't control myself - which was ALOT! - I'd pop in a tape (or DVD nowadays - tape then, because there were no such things as DVDs back then!) and get up and exercise, even if it was minimal - when I quit smoking, I weighed 225, and had NO energy, and I couldn't do much at all, at first - I did what I could, and gradually, I could do more, and it helped with the urges. To both smoke and, some years before, to not binge and purge. Something else that helped - brushing my teeth - sounds ultra simplistic and maybe pretty silly but, it got me up and concentrating on something else, and I didn't want to muck up my nice breath! - or calling someone on the phone, which made me accountable to someone else, which made me think about what I had been thinking about doing - and though some of the suggestions were silly, I found anything to try and help. And of course, you can always sign on to this VERY supportive site, there are bunches of folks who are always willing to help - always. : )
And honestly, some of my silly suggestions worked, for me anyways. I haven't smoked for almost 9 years (and I lost 50 pounds at the same time, to boot!), and I haven't purged in I guess it's been almost 16, 17 years. (Yeah, I have binged a good bit, which is why I'm heavier again - that, and I didn't keep up with my exercise as I should have. It does show that, even though we may not actively participate in the eating disorder anymore, the reasons for the problem in the first place are still there, and those need to be addressed. Mine was partly because my life was so tumultuous at the time, that the bulemia was the only thing I felt I really COULD control at the time. And, by God - right or wrong, I was gonna!) However, this time around, I don't have any desire to go back to the bulemia. The biggest reason that brought that to a head was I had to be rushed to the hospital because they thought I was having a heart attack - I was in my very early 30's at the time - and it was actually because I had purged so much over the year before I'd quit doing it, that I caused a hole in my esophagus, and coupled with dangerously low electrolytes, the emergency room doctors said had I not come in when I did, and had the terrible pain that everyone had suspected was a heart attack, I might have been dead a couple weeks later. (The bulemia had gotten much worse over that last year, even though I kept saying I could control and stop, and was going to do so, it just escalated. The only thing that stopped me was being rushed to the hospital. Something I hope no one else will have to get to before they see they have to get past this.) Well, I kept that emergency room bracelet in my medicine cabinet for many years after, to remind myself why I could never binge and purge again. That, and the sight of my then - six - year - old daughter crying her eyes out because she thought her mommy was dying woke me up outta my life-stupor with a start. (Being a single parent, I had no money for therapy, though while trying to find help that I could afford (which I wasn't able to), I came across a wonderful woman therapist who, even though I couldn't afford to see her, generously talked with me on the phone for over an hour, and gave me some clues as to how I could try to overcome this myself. It helped, more than she will ever know. However, as I said, just stopping doesn 't solve everything - investigating why we do it in the first place still has to be resolved. And that ain't easy, to face demons that still rear their head, sometimes.)
Anyway, I've talked too much - I am a rambler! - I will stop inundating you with my ca-ca. I just wanted to add, to an already very informative and helpful reply from McRick, that as hard as it is - and we truly DO know what you are going through - you can do this - you CAN! - and come out ahead on the other side. Good luck to you.
Edited by: LISSAFAITH1959 at: 10/13/2008 (23:41)
"You CAN overcome setbacks. Trust in your plan. Believe in yourself. Give yourself good reasons to keep going. Keep a positive attitude. Optimists see more success not because they fail less often, but because they get back up more often. They see setbacks for what they really are; not a brick wall that must be climbed (or that'll stop progress altogether). It's merely a gate; it may delay you for a second, but if you open that gate and move through it, you’ll soon be on your way again."
Ha ha ha--that's so true about having a sore jaw after all that chewing! I never thought of that as an anti-binge strategy--but I think it may be a good one!
I've been really lucky that my teeth have held up as long as they have over the years, although I am starting to feel effects--I just had to have a crown and the $$ and pain involved made me realize I DON'T WANT ANY MORE!!
Also, having a daughter now has made me wake up to the fact that I could very easily be teaching her terrible habits without even realizing I am. I know it's sexist that I never thought about it with my sons, but having a girl made it really hit home that I NEED TO CHANGE.
I really struggle most with my "alone time", and I have WAY TOO MUCH of that in the winter as I only work part time and the kids are in school. This is where I am really trying to work on breaking my habits. I want the weight loss as well, but I know that any weight loss I have will not be permanent until I break the bad habits I have developed. I really am trying to do this day-by-day, sometimes even hour-by-hour, not beating up on myself when i slip. Thabnks so much for the encouragement!!
You didn't fail w/ bulimia. Most people don't lose much weight w/ bulimia. Your body will soak in the nutrients while it can before purging. I spent a solid 2 1/2 yrs binging a purging every meal in HS and never lost more than 10-15 pounds. Since then I've learned from Dr.s that your body will store every thing it does get to digest as fat knowing it needs that energy store and in the mean time will burn your muscle first before going to the fat reserve. Think about that daily. You actually lose muscle and gain fat!
Since you still binge, try sitting in front of a mirror when you do. It changes the way you look at yourself. It disgusted me enough to stop cold turkey as a teen (with occasional relapses as is expected w/ the disorder). After the surgery you should also think of your teeth. My dentist started to notice the thinning of my enamal and that helped me to stop too since my smile is very important to me.
I used to do the same thing you did w/ the pizzas. My parents owned a restaurant that I worked at during my peak of bulimia. Imagine ordering enough free food for 4 people, having the cooks ask if it's all for me and then making up a story about my brother's friends coming over and wanting snacks available. Then I just hoped they didn't ask my borther about it the next time they saw him! Maybe they were already suspicious?
We are here for support so be sure to get online and type with two hands so one isn't available to eat with! Take a long walk until the urge to binge passes. Binge on things like fresh broccoli, cauliflower and celery (by thte time you are done chewing those up you've done no damage to your diet and your jaw is so sore from the chewing you won't want to grab the bad foods!
We have all sorts of ideas to get you through, just ask!
My name is Chrystine and I am a 41 yr old single mom to 3 amazing kids: Alex 17, Zach 15, Moxie 4.I am also a kinda-recovering-failed bulimic. I think.
I started binging and purging when I was 15. I had always been slightly overweight--but I thought I was huge--because my best friends were athletes and I was a curvy, non-athletic klutz. Anyway, I learned how to throw-up big dinners before going to school dances, and that was the beginning. Soon I was spending all my time binging and purging. I've had periods in my life that were better than others, but the only times I can honestly say I was totally healthy was when I was pregnant--
To make a long story short, I've done years of therapy and antidepressants and I know all the reasons why it's bad for me blah, blah, blah...my problem seems to be now just learning how to BREAK THE HABIT!
1 1/2 years ago I had surgery to correct acid reflux. (I forgot the name of the surgery but it has many syllables and I could never pronounce it right) Since the surgery I have been physically unable to throw up.So I was bulimic for 25 years, then quit cold turkey.
Hence the description kinda-recovering-failed-bulimic. I always called myself a failed bulimic, as I never was able to get 'skinny'.Now I guess I'm recovering, as physically I am unable to throw up, and mentally I know the reasons why I don't want to let myself go there however--I am stuck with the horrible horrible overeating/binging habit--and I am having a hell of a time trying to break it!
I was thirty lbs overweight before I had the surgery, and I have gained another 30 lbs since the surgery. I hate writing about it. I hate reading about it. I hate therapy. I hate being on antidepressants. I hate forgetting to plan in advance. I have a house full of healthy, tasty, low-fat food--but I forgot to pack a lunch today and on my way home from work I ordered 2 pizzas at lunchtime. My plan (excuse) was that one was for my kids when they got home from school--I got myself a healthy feta/mushroom pizza, and I ordered them a bbq chicken pizza. And I came home and promptly ate both pizzas in full. Then of course I hid the boxes in the bottom of the garbage can in the garage because I'm embarrassed.
I Hate hate HATE having days like this.