At a gathering with friends and acquaintances and was getting teased about how long I've been single. One of my friends piped in "come on honey, you know you miss THAT!" so I replied to him "sooo (insert friends name) why did you think Costco makes batteries?" I've been left alone about my status since
I may not be there yet but I'm closer than I was yesterday.
I got tired of starting over and working back to where I was, so I have stopped giving up!
Pounds lost: 71.0
Fitness Minutes: (47,184) Posts: 146 7/17/13 10:28 A
Sometimes I even have to hold back, but i'm sure the results would have been stellar... the other night some neighbors down the street were yelling and bitching at each other - it happens everywhere, you know it does - and took their fight out into the street. She was kicking him out for doing too many drugs, yada yada - same old story (she was the one who was arrested and taken away that night, he was clean, she wasn't... oh well, live and learn) He pulled down his shorts in the middle of the street and pointed to his groin and yelled at her "You're gonna miss this!"... I so wanted to, but restrained myself from saying, "Honey - I've got latex that can replace that and be ready whenever I want it!"... probably for the better, I'm out of ammo for the 9mm pistol...
A few weeks ago I actually managed to make my partner speechless (to anybody who knows him, this is an astonishing feat and happens only once every 13th blue moon or months with 32 days in them)
We were in Sears on our way back to our vehicle when we spotted a friend of ours who works there in the appliance department. We walked over to her and started razzing her a little bit (the week prior she was wearing a turtleneck (a thick knit one no less) to cover some quite large hickeys... (she had a girl over for a date the night prior to spite her estranged husband who cheated on her in the spare bedroom with a coworker... - yikes - i have a lot of really drama-prone friends)
... anyway... So we're razzing her as she is in a non-hung-over state and can try to have a comeback ready (failed miserably, but we gave her the chance anyway) and her co-workers kind of gathered to watch the carnage. Did I mention her coworkers are a bit vulture like, and that we are known there...?
The subject comes up of what are we going to buy next (manager) - We inform him that doesn't he remember, we've alread bought their biggest washer and dryer set, - we have their biggest grill, we will be needing a new stove soon, but not yet - they better get the bigger one in stock - to which the manager quips - "You like big things then?"
Without dropping a beat (and this is more common lately that it used to be) I drop into a cliche voice and say "Guilty! - I'm a size queen - guess that tells you a little bit much about this one then" while giving my partner's bum a squeeze...
Jaws dropped and two of the workers turned beet red, one just covered her mouth to hide a big grin... There was dead silence for about 5 seconds... it was brilliant! then everyone started laughing at seeing my partner totally speechless...
Your story about rude children reminded me of one.
This was before I lost any weight. I looked like Santa Claus. My beard was quite long, extending down to my nipples. (He said nipples).
I was at a basketball game that my niece was playing in when a number of kids came over to talk to me. The inevitable kid-question came up: "Is you beard real?"
"Sure is," I told them, and I even let the questioner give it a little tug so she could be sure.
Then a little boy, about seven years old, stood in front of me and announced loudly "Bullsht! That ain't real." He grabbed onto my beard and let his feet out from under himself so he could hang from my chin.
I reacted as I think anyone would. "WotDaFuq!" and I knocked the child down onto the floor with a sweep of my hand. He ran crying to his mommy who was standing on the other side of the court with a horrified look on her face. Her reaction to her son when he reached her left me no doubt that she was horrified at what he did, not that I shoved her rotten brat to the floor.
Edited by: TIMOTHYNOHE at: 7/10/2013 (10:40)
Start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible and suddenly you will be doing the impossible -- St Francis of Assisi
This was my partner, but I have to tell it once in a while... He was at a local DIY store and waiting in the checkout line. This little unabashed 6 year old comes up and starts taking the stuff out of his cart and tossing it on the floor. He politely is told that that isn't nice and he shouldn't do that. The child then proceeds to kick my partner in the shin - to which he (my partner) turns to the little boys mother and says loudly - "Lady, either take care of your children or I am sure the state will." This makes all the cashiers turn away so that nobody can see them laugh - The husband then storms up demanding to know how dare he speak to his wife like that. My partner looks him dead in the chest (my partner is only 5'6") and says calmly - "I do -, maybe I should also let your boss know where I saw you today, - I know where you work, I know your boss well, I was just there 30 minutes ago when you had your wife call you in sick with the flu." The dad calmly collected his son, and wife and went to another checkout lane - everyone within 30 feet gave him a sigh of appreciation.
Fitness Minutes: (79,532) Posts: 9,628 7/9/13 8:36 P
ReyF I love this thread! I have to think about this one .... there are so many.....
I was training this Idiot at work and it took FOREVER! Anyway we had an applicant that had a DUI (I work at a DMV) and this IDIOT starts to LAUGH.... SERIOUSLY... I looked right at him and asked WHY are you laughing??? this is not funny.... HE got red in the face and shut up, the applicant was like what???
A few years ago, a nasty neighbor who did not like my dog, was walking his dog down the street. My dog was trained and heeled and obeyed commands, so I was not afraid to walk him sans leash. The neighbor, on the other side of the street was walking his female dog. Upon seeing the neighbor's dog, my dog wanted to go and "visit " (sniff butts) but I didn't permit him. "Atticus," I said, "Don't go near that bitch, and don't bother the dog either."
"Every man I meet is in some way my superior, and in that I can learn of him." John Adams Ruth
current weight: 145.6
Fitness Minutes: (55,442) Posts: 18,877 7/9/13 5:20 P
Standing in a LONG line to use the restroom at a festival, some drunk guy with a beer in each hand walks up to me and a friend and asks if he can go in with us so "one of us can hold it for him". Without missing a beat, I turned to my friend and asked if she had her tweezers in her pocket. She responded with "No, and I didn't bring my magnifying glass, either. Sorry, dude, we can't help you". He exited the situation quite quickly.
Doing my best...one day at a time.
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I am often good for a one liner at inappropriate moments... case in point...
One new years eve, my partner was riding a stripper around the bar (no really, you can't make these things up) and a mutual friend started making a comment about that being a little forward - I looked him straight (snicker) in the eye and said "Honey, I've heard HINDsight is 20/20, but I don't want to imagine what you've seen" ... he didn't even finish his drink, just stared at the floor and slunk out of the bar (via the back door of course)...
Fitness Minutes: (47,184) Posts: 146 7/9/13 5:10 P
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