Posts: 36,204
7/19/11 6:20 P

Dogged Determination

The Saturday wedding took place on a hot June day, so the front door to the church was open. The bride, who lived a few houses from the church, arrived not realizing she had been followed. Her German Shepherd came in the door and walked to the front of the sanctuary, lying motionless at her feet during the ceremony.

After the benediction, the couple embraced. Immediately, the dog leaped up and grabbed the groom's pant leg, ripping it with a snarling tug. The newlyweds wisely postponed the kiss as the three of them recessed down the aisle.

—Edward Vanderhey, Red Bank, N.J. Christian Reader "Rolling Down the Aisle."

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7/17/11 6:45 P

Turning the Other Cheek

My friend's four boys were young and bursting with energy, especially in church. But the sermon her minister preached on "turning the other cheek" got their undivided attention. The minister stressed that no matter what others do to us, we should never try to "get even." That afternoon the youngest boy came into the house crying. Between sobs he told his mother he had kicked one of his brothers, who had kicked him in return. "I'm sorry you're hurt," his mother said. "But you shouldn't go around kicking people." To which the tearful child replied, "But the preacher said he isn't supposed to kick me back."

—Jane Vajnar, Tampa, Kansas. "Lite Fare," Christian Reader.

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7/15/11 5:27 P

I Wish You Jesus

War had broken out between my roommate and me. We dealt with our anger by not communicating with each other.

I came in one night and found a note from my roommate: "I wish you Jesus." I cried. Then I wrote a note asking her for forgiveness. I placed it on her pillow and went to sleep.

Later, my roommate came home and shouted from the hallway that she had left a note on my desk—my sister had called and asked me to send her the music for "I Wish You Jesus"!

We both had a good laugh—and were reconciled.

—Sue Martinuk, Saskatoon, Sask. Christian Reader, "Lite Fare."

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7/13/11 12:51 P

What God Does on the Seventh Day

Quizzing my preschool class about the story of Creation, I asked them what God did on the seventh day. A dark-eyed three-year-old raised her hand and said, "I think he mowed the yard."

—Janet Weaver, Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Christian Reader, "Kids of the Kingdom."

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7/13/11 12:49 P

Surprise Proposal

Our daughter, Julie, met a young man, Mark, while they were working on a ranch in Colorado. After Julie came home, Mark decided to pursue the relationship and came to visit her.

Our pastor, while greeting visitors from the pulpit, welcomed the young man who was "Julie's future husband." Embarrassed, Julie leaned over and whispered, "I'm sorry, Mark."

Mark whispered back, "Why?"

She replied, "Because, you've never asked me to marry you."

He said, "Will you?"

She said, "Yes," and suddenly they were engaged.

They were married in that same church

— Jean Johnson, Fremont, Mich. Christian Reader, "Rolling Down the Aisle."

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7/11/11 11:17 P

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

(From cleanjoke.com)

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7/10/11 8:01 P

Bad Analogies

If you want to write well, avoid these analogies, actually written by high-school students:

"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."

"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."

"McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup."

"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."

And my fave:

"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at 35 mph."

—"Strange World," Campus Life, Vol. 56, no. 9.

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7/8/11 12:14 P

Shoplifter Comes Clean...Almost

The story is told of a shoplifter who writes to a department store and says, "I've just become a Christian, and I can't sleep at night because I feel guilty. So here's $100 that I owe you."

Then he signs his name, and in a little postscript at the bottom he adds, "If I still can't sleep, I'll send you the rest."

—Bill White, Paramount, California

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7/7/11 11:39 A

A Vision of Swine

At the beginning of children's Bible club, we always review the previous week's lesson. Getting the conversation going one evening about the story of Peter's vision of the heavenly sheet filled with animals, another teacher asked, "What did Peter see when he went up on the housetop to pray?"

One little boy waved his hand and yelled, "Pigs in a blanket!"

— Karen S. Stanfill, Bolivar, Ohio. Christian Reader, "Kids of the Kingdom."

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7/6/11 4:35 P

Memory's the First to Go

Two elderly women in my church were discussing the problems of growing older.

One commented, "The worst thing is when your memory starts to go. I've known you all my life, and I can't think of your name. What is it?"

The second lady thought for a moment and said, "Do you need an answer right now?"

— Jacqueline J. Warner, Florence, Kentucky, Christian Reader, "Lite Fare."

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6/25/11 12:36 A

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"
"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"

"Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"
"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"

"Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says.

"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

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6/24/11 3:19 A

The Christian Barber


There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had
been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said,
"Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said,
"Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a
quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him.
So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."


Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying
"Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"

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6/23/11 12:00 A

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement. When his plane
arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home in Montreat.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would
you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."
"Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to
begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down
he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know
that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies.
I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

"The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, "Not, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham
for a chauffeur !!!!!

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6/22/11 12:24 A

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

“How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Pastor said, ‘4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.’”

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6/21/11 12:02 P

lol

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6/21/11 12:24 A

A very faithful woman

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

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6/20/11 10:11 P

funny

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6/20/11 1:20 P

lol

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6/20/11 6:54 A

"Always watch what you say around children!"


My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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6/19/11 9:51 P

thanks for the giggle

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6/19/11 12:35 A

I remember dreaming about when this time would come!

Paternal Payback

On the day I received my learner's permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson.

With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver's seat.

"Why aren't you sitting up front on the passenger's side?" I asked.

"Kirsten, I've been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl," Dad replied. "Now it's my

turn to sit back here and kick the seat."

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6/18/11 1:07 A

lol

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6/18/11 12:08 A

June 18th


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"


Edited by: CRAZYGAGRANNY at: 6/18/2011 (00:10)

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6/17/11 9:54 P

105,763 SparkPoints

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6/17/11 2:30 P

lol

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6/17/11 1:14 A

Smith climbs to the top of Mount Sinai to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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6/16/11 11:21 P

Really cute!

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6/16/11 8:23 A

lol cute

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6/16/11 12:45 A

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”

“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”

“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

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6/15/11 11:21 P

that is a good one

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6/15/11 10:24 P

thanks for sharing cute

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6/15/11 12:52 A

Twinkies and Root Beer

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of Root Beer and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an elderly man. The man was sitting in the park just feeding some pigeons.

The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie.

The man gratefully accepted it and smiled at boy. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer.

Again, the man smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the man, and gave him a hug. The man gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?

"He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? God's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen."

Meanwhile, the elderly man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked," Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?"

He replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." However, before his son responded, he added," You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Embrace all equally!

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6/12/11 9:08 P

ugh

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6/12/11 12:48 A

Staying Attached in Marriage

While browsing in a Christian bookstore one day, I discovered a shelf of "reduced price" items. Among the gifts was a little figurine of a man and woman, their heads lovingly tilted toward one another. "Happy 10th Anniversary" read the inscription. It appeared to be in perfect condition, yet its tag indicated "damaged." Examining it more closely, I found another tag underneath and chuckled—"Wife is coming unglued."

—Gayle Urban, Woodbridge, Va. Christian Reader, "Lite Fare."

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6/11/11 11:58 P

thanks for sharing cute

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6/11/11 1:08 P

Mam-maw, You're Not Fat

My 4-year-old granddaughter, Brenna, has been taught that calling someone fat isn't polite. Instead, she's supposed to say "overweight." One day while she was at my house, I commented that I was fat and needed to lose weight.

Brenna replied, "Mam-maw, you're not fat! You're just overflowed!"


—Sherry Headrick, Irving, TX. Today's Christian Woman, "Heart to Heart."

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6/9/11 11:26 P

thanks for sharing

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6/9/11 4:30 P

Deceitful Playing

A rather well-built man saw an advertisement for a job at the zoo. When he went there, he was horrified to find that the only job they had open was for somebody to play the part of a monkey. A lot of children were coming in the next few days, and the zoo, having no monkeys, needed someone to impersonate one. Since money was tight, the man decided he would take the job.

He arrived before sunrise, got into the monkey outfit, and slipped into his cage. Finally, day dawned, and the children came. All he had to do was pensively pace the floor, look rather adept at swinging between trees, and eat the peanuts and bananas whenever they were fed to him.

After eight or ten hours, he became thoroughly exhausted. The bananas were getting the better of him. As he swung from one tree to another, rather nauseated, he slipped and fell into the lion's den next door. He shouted, "Help! Help!"

The lion leaned over and said, "If you don't shut up, we'll both lose our jobs."

—Ravi Zacharias, "The Lostness of Humankind," Preaching Today, Tape No. 118.

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6/8/11 5:31 P

Power Nap?

During a recent visit with my parents, my two-year-old daughter, Kylee, sat at the kitchen table eating her lunch. My mom joined her, closed her eyes, and bowed her head to say a silent prayer for her food. Kylee watched inquisitively. As my mom raised her head and opened her eyes, Kylee asked, "Nana, did you have a nice nap?"

—Pamela Mack, South Dakota. Today's Christian Woman, "Small Talk."

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6/6/11 11:27 P

lol

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6/6/11 9:32 P

The Dawn of Routine

There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing.

"What's the matter?" she asks.

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

"Well, honey, that's wonderful."

Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"

"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."

—John Ortberg, Leadership Journal, Vol. 14, no. 3

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6/2/11 10:15 P

Cold Cream Questions

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold
cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

From Cybersalt Digest

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6/1/11 11:30 P

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had

slipped into the check-out line pushing a

cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman

to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly,

"So which six items would you like to buy?"

From AcraMax jokes

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6/1/11 11:30 P

thanks Shelia

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6/1/11 11:24 P

Youth Pastor's Vows

At the youth pastor's wedding: "… in sickness and in health, in youth whitewater rafting trips and in mosquito-infested backpacking, in weeknight Bible studies and in uninvited guests …"

—Rob Suggs, Tampa, Kansas. Leadership, Vol. 9, no. 4.

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5/27/11 10:49 P

Morning Sickness

Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the
kitchen table,

staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids

squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Molly?" she asked.

Molly told her that she had morning sickness.

Surprised, Sarah said, "Hurray! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

"I'm not," the harried middle-aged mother replied.

"I'm just sick of mornings."

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5/26/11 3:23 P

The English Professor

An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his

class and noticed that one of his students had fallen

asleep. The professor was annoyed enough to send the book

spinning through the air and bounce it off the sleeper's

skull. Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.

"That," said the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."

Received from Stan Kegel.

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5/26/11 3:21 P

Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.

When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end

of my tie got caught beneath her heel.

Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started

toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself

crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.

"Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"

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5/25/11 4:07 P

Science Quotes from Kids

~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration.

~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.

~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire.

~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

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5/24/11 5:14 P

Counting Rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and

another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two

rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many

rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two

apples and two apples and another two apples, how many

apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits

and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two

rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

=================

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