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DORMANTWILLOW's Photo DORMANTWILLOW SparkPoints: (192)
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6/17/17 1:38 A

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Thank you so much for welcoming me. I'm looking forward to sharing with all of you and giving support when I can. It's been really hard starting over but I did it once I can do it again. And I know if I can than anybody can. LOL.

“Do you want me to sit in a corner and rust, or just fall apart where I’m standing?” –Marvin


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BLESSEDBEING's Photo BLESSEDBEING SparkPoints: (198,052)
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6/17/17 1:24 A

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I'm so sorry you had that traumatic experience. I would encourage you to let go of all tendencies toward self-blame, and just focus on healing and rebuilding your strength, confidence and sense of self.

You are absolutely welcome here. We don't share the same history in the details, but have known betrayal and hopelessness, and can all benefit from reaching out to ask for and lend support. Abusers often try to isolate their victims, so breaking the chains of loneliness and silence can be vital to the process of taking back our power. I'm glad you found us.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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DORMANTWILLOW's Photo DORMANTWILLOW SparkPoints: (192)
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6/16/17 12:28 A

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Hello. I almost feel like I don't belong in this group. I was sexually assaulted by a man I met on a dating website and was stupid enough and hated myself enough to date him for a short while after. By the time I ended it I was so broken I was crying all the time and suicidal. I tried to report him to the police and they told me that he was teaching women not to trust men that they don't know and that everything he did makes him a jerk not a rapist. I feel like it was my fault for being so naive. i guess i feel that since it wasn't years of abuse maybe it doesn't count I just know that it was horrible and i'm forever scared and changed it seems. Sorry if this is depressing. I am looking forward to getting to know some supportive people and trying to get back to where I was before everything fell apart. Thank you for reading this very long introduction.

“Do you want me to sit in a corner and rust, or just fall apart where I’m standing?” –Marvin


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DREAMERSPIRITT's Photo DREAMERSPIRITT Posts: 590
5/17/17 12:54 A

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Thank you so much! Life has been so much brighter and happier since I left! emoticon

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5/7/17 1:10 A

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emoticon Katie! emoticon on getting yourself out of a toxic relationship. So glad you are in a place with a caring person. I have not been in an intimate relationship in decades. I would really like to be, but I'm more interested in having a great relationship with myself and with caring friends.

It's interesting what can be our catalyst for breaking free. I'm a incest survivor (that's the abuse that most deeply affected me), but I was in a brief, toxic marriage also. And what prompted me to get out was a single 5-word question from my sister. She had come out to visit me & my then husband for a week between jobs, just before I started working swing shift at the Dallas Post Office. She witnessed a couple arguments, and when her departing plane was delayed, she asked me that all important question "Are you happy with Dennis?" I acknowledged we had problems, but I wasn't ready to give up, etc. But I pondered that question while working mandatory overtimes for 3.5 hours night after night--and finally realized I never would be happy with him. I was tired of the stress, the unkindness, the unwillingness to discuss issues, the inability or unwillingness to offer comfort, and finally admitted I'd rather be alone than to stay. One of the best decisions I ever made, and I will always thank my sister for that question, and the Goddess for that delayed departure!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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MISSDORKNESS's Photo MISSDORKNESS SparkPoints: (68,320)
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5/4/17 10:02 P

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Hi, Katie!

~hugs~ I am SO happy for you that you are happy and free now. That is so wonderful to hear.

... 99% of what you wrote, I could've written about my soon-to-be-ex-husband. You give me hope for the future. I know the clouds will part one day very soon.

Not all those who wander are lost


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DREAMERSPIRITT's Photo DREAMERSPIRITT Posts: 590
5/3/17 5:50 P

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Hello all!

My name is Katie and I am a survivor.

A note, there may be some triggering topics in my little backstory, so be warned.


Last year I broke up with my partner of six and a half years. I had been out of that relationship for six months before I was able to finally call it abusive. He never hit me, but he did far, far worse. Sometimes I wish he had hit me, because then it would have been easier to call it abuse. Then I might have left sooner.

He messed with my head very badly. He manipulated me into doing so many things I didn't want to do, and manipulated me into not doing things I wanted to do. He wore down my sense of self. He blamed me for everything that went wrong in our lives. He bullied me into putting on weight, because he is into heavier women. He chewed me out if the house wasn't clean, despite being perfectly capable of picking up the broom himself. Towards the end of our relationship, he raped me.

The worst part of the relationship was how he dealt with my psychiatric problems. I have bipolar and PTSD, and he was horrible about both of those things. When I would try to call him out on his behavior, or try to talk to him about how his words or behaviors were negatively impacted me, he would gaslight me. It was all in my head. I was crazy. It was the bipolar. My feelings weren't valid. It was never him. I should be feeling the way HE wanted me to feel, not the way that I actually felt.

With the PTSD, the bulk of mine was caused by my father's anger issues when I was growing up. My ex had anger issues as well. At first I tried to explain to him how his anger effected me, but it was like talking to a wall. Eventually my coping mechanism became going silent when he was angry. I would shut myself in the bedroom and lay down with the lights off. Sometimes I would cry. Often I would drink or take ativan. Sometimes both at once. This usually made him even angrier, which in turn made me more upset. During these times, I often got very close to suicide. Had I stayed, that "close to suicide" surely would have eventually ended as "suicide." Had I stayed, I'd be surprised if I made it to 35. It would have been some sort of miracle if I made it to 40.

Eventually I left. However, the breakup had nothing to do with his behavior.

What got me out was this... I eventually realized I was in love with my best friend, and after discussing the matter with my best friend we realized our feelings for one another were mutual. I ended up disclosing that to my now-ex. He tormented me and held it over my head. Even that didn't get me to leave. What got me out was how badly my heart longed for my best friend. With the help, love, and support of my best friend I was able to leave my abuser.

I am now in a very respectful and loving relationship with my best friend. I am no longer depressed nor am I suicidal. I want to live!

I believe in myself now-- I don't have anyone telling me that I'm not good enough to go to grad school. No one tells me that I'm so crazy/unstable that no one but them will ever be able to handle me in a relationship. No one tries to push me into a career I don't want or tries to dissuade me from the career I do want. No one berates me for seeking help for my mental health problems. No one tells me how I should eat, how I shouldn't exercise, or what weight and size I ought to be. No one invalidates my feelings. No one blames me for their problems.

When I got out, I realized-- for the first time in years-- that I have a future. I have reasons to live, and I am allowed to do what I want with my life. No one controls me anymore. At long last, I am free.

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BLESSEDBEING's Photo BLESSEDBEING SparkPoints: (198,052)
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4/3/17 10:43 P

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Thank you so much for writing! We're not a real active team, but I post most every day. There have bee good resources shared, for sure. I was so blessed to find the right therapist. She does phone consultations, and might have recommendations based on where you live--if you prefer face-to-face. Her website is katiegurwell.com/ (you have to click the box with the lines in the upper right to get the site links--I had to search for them)
and here's more info on her: https://therapists.psychologytoday.c
om
/rms/name/Katie+Gurwell,+Coaching+anR>d+Counseling_Seattle_Washington_159741


And emoticon on your amazing weight loss! emoticon How long has it taken you? That's truly emoticon dedication to self care! emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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MISSDORKNESS's Photo MISSDORKNESS SparkPoints: (68,320)
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4/3/17 4:27 P

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Listening to my friends brought me here...

My last partner was a narcissist, cheated on me, spent all our money, isolated me from everyone but his friends and family that I could never be totally honest with, all while convincing me I was lucky to have him.
Moved on to a 'nice guy' I met through work who denounced all the last guy's behaviors, etc. Then he didn't apply for hardly any jobs and I got to work two while missing our kids' childhood and being subject to his constant fits of anger over the mildest things done 'wrong' (he appears to have OCPD, which he admits, but, refuses to seek treatment for).

I've had friends (via email because getting out and seeing people is too fraught with drama) try to tell me for a long while that this isn't normal or healthy and I blew them off to maintain the status quo.
Once I started blogging out my feelings here on sparkepeople, as a promise to name my feelings instead of trying to numb them with food and drink, people started commenting or PMing me and calling a spade a spade.
I took some online quizzes and read standard screening questions and sure enough, though he hasn't hit me (nor did my ex), the relationship is definitely abusive. (still hate writing that out, though)

A woman whose daughter used to have playdates with our younger son (though they don't anymore due to his emotional outbursts so like his father's) has befriended me and keeps dragging me out and prompting me to talk.

She said I need to find a therapist. I know I do. My two most major relationships have been decidedly unhealthy, just like my mother's relationships and those of her sisters, and I obviously have some unresolved issues, carrying on the cycle like this though I'm more educated and more financially stable than any of them. Obviously my kids will benefit from my being better able to deal with people who want to take advantage of me (I've already got my youngest in therapy, once I realized what was happening with him and other kids, though my husband downplayed or repainted it for a long while, and continues to do so). I expressed some anxiety about finding a therapist that I mesh well with, and she made me promise to at least get into some online support group.

I knew there was one here. I'll check out the other threads as I have time, and appreciate folks sharing resources that helped them and might be able to help others.

emoticon

Not all those who wander are lost


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1/7/17 12:31 A

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I'm so thankful you are away from that dangerous and toxic situation! Please check out some of the threads and resources--not just the most current. If you click on a Forum title, you'll see past discussions. Members have shared a lot of positive tools and resources in the past. The most important thing is to keep your attention and energy focused on YOU--your needs, your goals, your health and well-being. I hope you will find support and inspiration here, though I'm the first to acknowledge we aren't a very active team. Wishing you joy and success on your journey!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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TPHILLIPS69 Posts: 139
1/5/17 11:14 A

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Good morning all,
I've been on Spark for a long time, but new to this group. I often hesitate to call what I've been through abuse, although technically the experts now consider it as such, as do some of my friends. Like some of you, I was in a relationship with someone with a host of ClusterB traits, I think borderline, histrionic, narcissistic and sociopathic - a serial cheat and pathological liar, but more covert that overtly narcissistic. I'm out of the relationship now and the final steps of dispensing joint assets has begun. He was sporatically physically abusive over the years, whenever I pushed to deal with his cheating or talk about something else he didn't want to discuss, and I finally called police in October during a fight where he choked me (that's his "MO"). But despite the physical "events" I think it's the emotional abuse I feel the most; the fallout of being cheated on repeatedly and then convinced that he didn't mean it, couldn't help it, has his own addiction issues etc. but loves me... Stockholm syndrome. Trauma bonding - that's what I'm fighting these days. So here I am to see if I can find like-minded people with similar experiences to help me feel like I'm not the only one, and not stupid or crazy to still have feelings for a person who was so inconsiderate of mine.
Here's an article I read last summer that summed it up for me - explained why I had so much trouble keeping that line drawn in the sand, every time I said "next time" I was through....finally when I understood some of this, it was so much easier to hold firm to my boundaries.

www.emotionalaffair.org/trauma-bondi
ng
-hard-let-go-affair/


Edited by: TPHILLIPS69 at: 1/5/2017 (11:20)
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BLESSEDBEING's Photo BLESSEDBEING SparkPoints: (198,052)
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6/14/16 11:40 P

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I am so glad to know you are away from your abuser. And how wonderful that you have found a more nurturing relationship.

Finding a good therapist can be one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and the people you care about. There are also a lot of good self-help books available. You mention you have rarely ever felt safe. If there are childhood issues as well, I found a wonderful book (recommended by my amazing therapist) on Reparenting Yourself, giving yourself the structure and nurture we all need as children and as humans. Some of our threads feature great resources, please check them out. And while the What are you reading or watching thread deals a lot with fiction and entertainment, there are some good non-fiction titles mentioned there too.

Anyway, emoticon and thanks for introducing yourself!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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G.I.JANE's Photo G.I.JANE Posts: 6,369
6/13/16 12:02 P

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I'm Janie. I left my abuser about a year ago. I was with him almost 20 years. Lately I've been really feeling the pain of what he did to me. I am now with a man who is really good to me. I am afraid that I am going to let my past relationship ruin my new one. I've felt insecure and scared lately. I have rarely felt safe in my life. Any good book suggestions? I'm going to try to throw myself into the whole exercise thing for awhile. Any suggestions at all would be appreciated. Thank you. emoticon

When all is said & done...have fun!

~ME!

Co- leader of-
Sparkling Belly dancers
&
Spark Believers, Ghost. Hauntings, Spirits.



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6/8/16 11:19 P

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Rockingbottom, I'm sorry I missed your post. I'm so glad you left an abusive situation. I'm sorry your children are still there. emoticon it's important to stay away and stay strong and start taking care of you. I'm glad Amy has concrete suggestions for you.

I'm an incest survivor and my trauma is decades old--although it can still affect my reactions and perceptions at times even after all these years. But determined self-care and nurturing can help heal the wounds. There is some information on the different threads here. Our most active discussion is the chat thread, How are you feeling today, where you can check in and let us know what's up for you--what you're struggling with and what progress you are celebrating.

emoticon to the SAssies.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 1,317
6/7/16 12:48 A

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Rockingbottom, I have been there. I lived in a DV shelter for awhile after I left my abuser. You are right that taking care of yourself goes against programming. The good news is that de-programming takes less time than you would think, especially if you are able to go No Contact or Grey Rock. I would also recommend joining a support group, even an online group.

You can do this. It will be the hardest thing you ever do, but you can do it.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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6/2/16 9:21 A

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I am an abuse survivor. I fled the abuse and am living in a shelter. My older children chose to stay. It's making it near impossible for me to start over because most programs are for mothers and children. I have no desire to go back and have reached the point of no return any way. I could use some support cause I still struggle daily with self doubt. I am learning to take care of me....but it goes against my internal programming.

BLESSEDBEING's Photo BLESSEDBEING SparkPoints: (198,052)
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1/22/16 10:58 P

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So glad you found us, and that you are now in a healthy relationship! That is emoticon to have a supportive partner. There are only a few active members of the team, but there have been numerous helpful resources and ideas shared at various times by different members. I personally check in most every day on the chat/How are you feeling? thread at the top. But please feel free to start new discussions, or reply to older ones, or just peruse what's been said before. Are you new to Spark, or just this team?

You are very welcome, and I hope we'll hear more from you. Wishing you success and joy!

Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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DONSPRINCESS83's Photo DONSPRINCESS83 Posts: 19
1/22/16 4:06 P

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Hey y'all. I'm so glad I found this group. I am 32 years old and have been mentally/emotionally abused for as long as I can remember. I was also sexually abused by a boyfriend of my mother's and my ex husband. Now, I am out of abusive situations. I'm married to a wonderful man who deals with my insecurities, my mood swings, and my general crazy-ness. I also have 3 children who get on my nerves, make me laugh, and challenge me. Since I'm out of that unhealthy life, it's time for me to be healthy. I look forward to getting to know some if not all of you.

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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 29,073
12/6/14 2:37 A

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Certainly hope you get someone to talk to about whatever happened. We deserve to be heard and at the very least the bus company should do something about him.

Hugs Wispy









"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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1GR8FULGAL's Photo 1GR8FULGAL SparkPoints: (62,923)
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12/5/14 10:05 P

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Yes, thank you. I did call and they couldn't help but she gave me 2 places to try.
Also, I just realized that this is the intro thread, so I should prob. be posting
on a diff one- OOPS!

Edited by: 1GR8FULGAL at: 12/5/2014 (22:06)
Remember...friends should hold hands & stick together, then they won't lose their way & if one falls down, the other helps you up!
"To the world you might be one but to someone, you just might be the world!"
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Will Rogers
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!
"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do inter


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12/5/14 10:01 P

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I have not had to deal with the legal system. It sounds very trying. I wonder if there is an advocate group you could deal with who may help assault victims. Sending prayers your way for comfort and strength.
emoticon


Edited by: BLESSEDBEING at: 12/5/2014 (22:01)
Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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1GR8FULGAL's Photo 1GR8FULGAL SparkPoints: (62,923)
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12/5/14 9:20 P

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Thank you, but bad news twice today!!
First, cops refuse to file charges on him, telling me it's not illegal!!!! REALLY??!!
Go tell the bus company, she told me--yup, been there, done that BUT
I went to get on that same route today and super. had to go check to make sure it wasn't the
same jackwagon who violated me yest---SERIOUSLY??!!!
I give up!!!

Remember...friends should hold hands & stick together, then they won't lose their way & if one falls down, the other helps you up!
"To the world you might be one but to someone, you just might be the world!"
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Will Rogers
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!
"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do inter


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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 29,073
12/5/14 9:31 A

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Good gracious. So pleased that you took action. That in itself helps to feel less like a victim.
Delighted you will never have to see him again.

Hope you are feeling some better today.
Talk about it as long as you need to to get it out of your system.

We are here for you any time.

Hugs Wispy.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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12/5/14 9:26 A

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Thanks to all of you!
My incident- yest- happened on a city bus-loaded with passengers- and done to me by the bus driver!!!!!
I will go today to file criminal charges; I'm pretty sure he was fired on the spot yest by his company. Small comfort, if you will, but at least I won't have to deal with him again.
Also, I will most likely be able to share more via SPMail, not posted publicly, bc these posts are internet searchable, if you KWIM

Edited by: 1GR8FULGAL at: 12/5/2014 (09:33)
Remember...friends should hold hands & stick together, then they won't lose their way & if one falls down, the other helps you up!
"To the world you might be one but to someone, you just might be the world!"
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Will Rogers
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!
"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do inter


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12/5/14 7:36 A

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So pleased you have been able to share. I find the same thing. Talking to others who understand does help. Each time I tell my story it seems to reduce the pain. I remember more things and get to deeper feelings. Just getting it all out of my head and emotions and either to another person or on paper.
Like Amanda I too have been in therapy. Finding a therapist who is compatible is a great help.

I do choose the people that I share my story with. Those who understand are a great source of comfort and help in the healing process.

Warm gentle hugs Wispy

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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12/5/14 12:14 A

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Grateful, I'm glad you found us, and you are very emoticon here, though in a way I'm always sorry that anyone "qualifies" to join the team--if you understand. So sorry about the current incident. I'm very glad you have been telling people. And I do hope you get whatever legal and medical support you may need--a well as emotional support.

Many of us have seen, or are seeing (like me emoticon as you will see in my sharings), a therapist--which can be a life saver, dealing with current issues and past trauma as well. Wishing you the best, and hoping to hear more from you as you may feel comfortable to reach out. Or just check out some of the good info and resources on some of the threads and forums. Take care!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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12/4/14 10:16 P

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Thanks, Wispy. I have reached out today to some ppl, as it has helped me to tell my story today, quite a few times actually. It seems to help, at least a bit, each time I tell what happened. Thanks for the info about seeking help.

Remember...friends should hold hands & stick together, then they won't lose their way & if one falls down, the other helps you up!
"To the world you might be one but to someone, you just might be the world!"
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Will Rogers
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!
"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do inter


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12/4/14 10:08 P

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Hello there, very pleased you have joined the team.

If you need to do anything right now to keep you safe or if you have been raped please contact police, doctor or hospital.

We are here for you whenever you would like to share.

Hugs Wispy

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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12/4/14 8:17 P

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HI, I'm new here (the team, not new to SP) and I just joined this team today, primarily bc I was abused today!! I also grew up with abuse though, too.

I'm sorry, but as of right now, I can't feel very 'open' about my abuse. I think I'd like to share in the future, probably. I had thought I was 'past' my early abuse, not that it was 'gone,' but I thought it was all under control. Well, this public incident today seems to have changed that. Thank you for going before me and having this team for me to reach out to, starting tonight. HUGS

Remember...friends should hold hands & stick together, then they won't lose their way & if one falls down, the other helps you up!
"To the world you might be one but to someone, you just might be the world!"
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Will Rogers
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!
"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do inter


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7/31/14 11:50 P

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emoticon and emoticon HeartPilgrim! Glad you found us and introduced yourself. I too endured years of incest abuse by my father. I found my first wonderful therapist in my 40s, and now in my late 50s, I've found another gem, whom I sometimes talk about in the How Are You Feeling? chat thread Wispy mentioned.

Finding the right person and/or path to work with is a blessing. I'm so glad you've found the right one for you. And I hope you will continue to find encouragement, support and inspiration on Spark and here on our SAssy team. That may seem like an odd nickname for our group, but I'm co-leader of 2 other teams, the BBs (Babysteps Brigade) and the GGs (A Gathering of Goddesses), and Survivors of Abuse lacked alliteration, so I made a word out of SAs, and when I called us the SAssies, it kind of stuck for some. I like that the energy of the word is very non-victim, and suggests a brighter, more positive way presence.

Anyway, I look forward to getting to know you better. I wish you success and joy on your journey. emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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7/31/14 7:30 P

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Hi there heartpilgrim, we are very happy to have you join us.
You story is familiar on here and I am so pleased that you have finally found a form of therapy that suits you and is helping on your journey of recovery.

I too have had many years of therapy, some good experiences and some not so good.
After leaving my second husband in fear for my life the police suggested I join a victim support group and that is where things really began to change for me. I learned so much and was with people who understood not only what I had been through but how hard it was to leave.

Thankfully that was the time I was able to leave for good. I then went to a wonderful therapist who had herself been through abuse and come out the other side as a wonderful healed woman. We worked together and that brought me to a whole new place in my life.

Wishing you a wonderful journey to health and emotional wholeness.

Hugs Wispy.

PS. Yes, this is exactly the right place to post. emoticon You might also like to join us on the daily thread.

Edited by: -WISPY- at: 7/31/2014 (19:32)
"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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7/31/14 2:09 P

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Hi all,

Not sure if I'm posting this right/in the right place, but I just joined and I'm hoping to send out a note of introduction...

First of all, I am so grateful to all of you who have gone before me here sharing your journeys and coming together as a group of survivors. There is a safety and a sense of welcome unlike any other with women who know what I've been through. I am so inspired by all of your successes, and it helps me to feel like health is possible for me, too.

My story is probably familiar to many of you, as yours were as I read through the other introductions. I'm in my thirties now, was raped and molested for the first time at age 5 by my mother's boyfriend; that continued for about a year. My father sexually abused me again from about the age of 11 to 16. He struggles with drug abuse and mental health issues, and my mother is a recovering alcoholic who now, thankfully, has about ten years of sobriety. These early traumas led me to a number of terrible decisions in my adult romantic life, and I've had a few re-traumatizing experiences, including one train wreck of a relationship with a former therapist.

I am here on SparkPeople to try and construct a program I can follow to lead me into a more healthy life. I've pursued different kinds of therapy for a number of years, and this spring found a wonderful woman to work with. She is a Brennan Energy Healer and I am beginning to feel better than I ever have, ever, in my whole life. I am at my heaviest, probably about 235 lbs, but finally beginning to feel at home in my body. I look forward to walking with you all on our paths to wholeness.

-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 29,073
7/20/14 6:35 P

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Gotta love it. Thank you for posting on the suggestion box thread. Amanda told me you been there. Hope we may have helped a little. Hugs Wispy

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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BECAZICAN's Photo BECAZICAN Posts: 19
7/19/14 7:32 P

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The divine in me acknowledges and honors the divine in you, Wispy. As well as all others here.

My viewpoint mentioned earlier on cats and dogs did give me a new appreciation for the old Elvis title: "You ain't nothing but a hound dog!"






"Abuse is a many splintered thing: It fragments lives. But we CAN recover. I Can &
so can YOU!
-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 29,073
7/19/14 6:55 P

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Loving the laughter. So good to have you join our team. emoticon

Feedback is something that I value as well. It's great to know there are others out there who are also working to become free of the 'hangover' stuff that goes along with abuse.

I had a couple of companies (well turned out they were both the same one) who tried to rip me off on a credit card transaction and it did take a long while to sort out. Because it seems these days, at least over here, the bank have to try to get the money back before they will reimburse you. Hope you are as fortunate as I was and get the money returned.

So love the life style you mention. Have to say I too am a rather feline personality. Never thought about it like that before. But I sure do love snuggling and purring. Also enjoy my own company which is probably quite feline.

Have a good weekend Becazican.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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BECAZICAN's Photo BECAZICAN Posts: 19
7/19/14 10:41 A

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Wispy, you did NOT offend me. What's wrong with you, today? Tee hee

I don't attract the stalkers. They are simply vain enough to believe my life is actually about them. And they appear to enjoy following me around and attempting to hound me. It's what they do. Lies are spread, rumors, half truths and mouthing offs: and I don't even know these people! But they seem intent on claiming to know all about me. Go figure.

It took me a long time to realize that I prefer to be the feline personality I am. And I'm a domesticated critter. I enjoy being lazy, soaking up the sun and purring as often as possible. Those that hound me sound like a pack of hounds only. It's what they do; especially in their pack. Unless I up and move; I mostly try to avoid them.

A recent financial transaction cost me though. If it is the result of the other I will have to address it differently. People intent on fraud are a different species altogether. But no sense going there. I've already done all that I can. For now anyway.

Been enjoying the feedback validation here. Thanks to all.

"Abuse is a many splintered thing: It fragments lives. But we CAN recover. I Can &
so can YOU!
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7/18/14 10:31 P

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Hello ladies,

I can so identify with being or feeling as if I was stalked by "a certain type of person", I seemed to attract them like a magnet. In my case it was those who drained every ounce of energy out of me in one way or another and the type who could be abusive but not necessarily in an overt way.

However as I become free of co-dependency and being a victim - those who used to use me in one way or another gradually disappear out of my life.

I do not mean I am responsible for any of the abuse that has happened to me - I mean that now I am more aware of how I relate to others and become more assertive - I am less likely to attract those who latched on to me previously.

Adding a PS here:
I am talking about myself and my own journey and not suggesting that these things apply to anyone else. Just sharing things which have helped me become a survivor.

Edited by: -WISPY- at: 7/18/2014 (22:36)
"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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BECAZICAN's Photo BECAZICAN Posts: 19
7/18/14 6:15 P

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What a gracious reply. Thank you Amanda.

"Abuse is a many splintered thing: It fragments lives. But we CAN recover. I Can &
so can YOU!
BLESSEDBEING's Photo BLESSEDBEING SparkPoints: (198,052)
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7/18/14 12:47 A

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emoticon to our team! There are a number of threads with positive ideas for actions you can take to get stronger or support the healing process. I hope as you have time you'll check out what's been said before to see if anything speaks to you. And I hope you will share what has helped you grow and free yourself.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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BECAZICAN's Photo BECAZICAN Posts: 19
7/17/14 11:25 P

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I tend to focus on the recognition of abusive situations, environments and people. Mostly because some of them seem addictive with "stalking" me. Recognizing the characteristics of this additive personality helps. But I am here because I still struggle with such things I know I neither deserve nor should have to endure on what still seems like a daily basis. I don't ask why. I know why has little to do with me anyway. I do ask how I can change my life for the better just for me. Seems like this would be a good place to start.

Looking forward to getting to know the others here. Thanks for the Team.

"Abuse is a many splintered thing: It fragments lives. But we CAN recover. I Can &
so can YOU!
BLESSEDBEING's Photo BLESSEDBEING SparkPoints: (198,052)
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7/9/14 12:23 A

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emoticon and emoticon Montie! Glad you found our SAssy team. I too suffer from PTSD, though I rarely get triggered these days. I'm blessed with a wonderful therapist, and I've read a number of very good self-help books. I hope you'll spend some time looking through some of the threads, and seeing what resources and ideas might speak to you.

I have found that conscious babysteps in terms of changing behaviors, building strength, cultivating positive habits, does help build confidence that counters the fear, helplessness & despair that sustained abuse tends to breed. There are no magic pills or instant cures, but reaching out to others, refusing to hide, and consistently practicing self-love and -care will transform us.

I look forward to sharing the journey with you! emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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7/8/14 8:35 P

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Hi there Montie very pleased to have you with us and a warm welcome to the team.

We have many different types of abuse survivors here and thank you for sharing you story.
In one way or another we are all working through our traumas. I too have been to therapy and belonged to various different groups. Many have been very helpful and from others I learned the sort to avoid in future. Different things suit different people.

Let us know any way we can help. PTSD is a common thread here. :o)

Hugs Wispy

PS I was going to send you a welcome goodie, but you do not have your Spark page up yet. That is fine if you prefer not to, but I see you are new and it may be that you havent got there yet. I took me a while to find my feet, and even find where I had posted on a team. There are so many threads.

Edited by: -WISPY- at: 7/8/2014 (20:37)
"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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7/8/14 10:26 A

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Hi,
My name is Montie and I'm a wife and mother in North Carolina. I'm new to Sparkspeople and Sparksteams (3 days young) and still finding my niche. I joined a group called Babysteps Brigade yesterday which led me here through one of the members. I am a survivor of childhood incest (grandfather) and deal with PTSD and multiple phobias due to the trauma. I've been in CBT and group therapy off and on for about 15 years, and am currently in between therapists. I am a feedback sponge so any feedback or encouragement is welcome (and often begged for...lol) I look forward to getting to know everyone.

Blessings,
Montie

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emoticon emoticon emoticon Jessica and Salam! So nice to have you with us and to hear from you both! Sorry I'm late with my greetings--I was on vacation and doing minimal Sparking.

I wish you both the best of luck in rebuilding your lives, your health, your confidence, your balance. Remember, you don't have to do it all at once. Babysteps can get you just as far, and are often less scary to do, and easier to maintain. That's my philosophy anyway, and the approach that helped me lose and keep off 65 pounds. But there are many tools that work for different individuals, and it's fine to find your own way.

We do have some great info, ideas and resources, even on some of the older forum discussions. I hope you'll both do some looking through prior posts to see if anything speaks to you. The most popular discussion is the top 'How are you feeling?' thread, but you are welcome to introduce any topics you wish.

I hope you will both find support and encouragement here. emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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6/16/14 9:10 P

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Hello Salam, so pleased to see you have posted.

Well done on breaking free of an abusive relationship. I know it is much more difficult to make the break when children are involved so I really admire your courage. I know how much it takes to finally leave. I left many times myself and then always went back before thankfully I finally said "NO, never again". I made a clean break because no children were involved, so I never had to see him again.

Any help you would like just ask. We are happy to share anything that might be helpful.

Once again, congrats on getting out. emoticon Now the main thing is to stay out and start a free new life for yourself and the children.

Hugs Wispy.

Edited by: -WISPY- at: 6/19/2014 (05:57)
"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 1,317
6/16/14 11:28 A

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Hi, I am new. I am in the process of breaking out of an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship, and I am feeling fearful and strong in equal measure. I am also trying to get myself, and my children, healthier and happier. I wanted to join this forum because it seems to me that other survivors may have practical advice to help me recognize when I am letting fear control me, and when my ex's voice in my head is causing me to be self destructive. Also, reading some of the posts, I see a lot of comments and humor that I enjoyed. Thank you for making me smile today.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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6/10/14 7:31 P

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Hi there Jessica and a warm welcome to the team.

My o my you have certainly had a very rough time of it. We have suffered with all sorts of abuse on this team so you are in the right place.

I am delighted you are finally free. It is the end of one journey and the beginning of a whole new way of life.

Whatever kind of support you want we are here for you. Some like help and advice, others not so much. We are all different.

Thank you for sharing your life with us. It is such a relief to get it all out in the open and then start fresh. There are many threads with helpful tips. If you want any information that we can help with just let us know.

So very happy you have joined us. If you would like to have your own support thread as you started earlier, that is just fine.

Being survivors we understand and support each other in any way we can.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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QUEENIE27161's Photo QUEENIE27161 Posts: 85
6/10/14 4:13 P

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Hey I am Jessica. I am a survivor of many types of abuse from all ages. Although, I have broken the cycle of abuse in my life. Aug. 2010, I quit smoking, which was my crutch I had since I was nine because of my about then. At that same time, I gave my abuser his last chance. He really change, my dad and brother agreed and the did not like him. Wow. I was happy. Which made, my quitting smoking so much easer. Well we all know the happiness did not last long. Feb 2011, I left him, and my hell started, 3 times worse then ever. This time was because of our son. He tried to kill me, and a friend. He violated his restraining order 3 times. He stalked me. For 2 1/2 years my life was a living hell, with the him, the with court problems, (he was an ex sheriff and I work for the Prosecutor's Office).

I am a survivor. I am free from the man that abused me, I am free from my crutch of my past abuse. (August I will be 4 years smoke free.) I was determined not to let him ruin what I already fix with my past, the final thing was quitting. He was not taking my quit. I was determined for him not to destroy my children's and my life anymore. I AM FINALLY FREE. Thanks God!!

Now during this time, I was not able to focus on to many things. I ignored my health unless, it put me in the hospital. With not smoking, stress, comfort eating, and loneliness, I gained weight, about 50 pounds. Right, now I am pre-diabetic, but my number are showing different. I have beating many things...I don't want to let diabetes win.

My next fight for me is to lower my blood sugar. I am not saying I am losing weight, because of issues of trying and failing. So I am tricking my mind and my body. I am lowering my blood sugar, by exercise and well balanced meals.

I am going to need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to learn a lot of things, the big picture is to learn to run a household. I know nothing about that, and I am working on learning that responsibility.

I WILL NEED HELP! And in here you understand the fear of change and things that are new. Failing is not an option for me, so I need a good support group, to kick me in to gear to set and focus on my goals.

Jessica
(typed not proofread)



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6/2/14 11:00 P

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Like Wispy, therapy has been extremely helpful for me. I've also gotten a lot out of self-help books, but not all of those are equal. We've shared some good information and resources on this team over the years, even though we don't have a real active membership at the moment. We do understand, and will encourage you in your healing work.

emoticon to you, and emoticon on giving yourself the gift of reaching out. Many of us were so indoctrinated to hide, and of course abusers like to isolate their victims, that an important step in empowerment is just to shine a light on what happened, and what we are trying to accomplish. I encourage you to keep reaching out!
emoticon emoticon I'm hoping you will find support and inspiration here.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 29,073
6/2/14 9:56 P

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Hi there Lizzie, very happy to meet you and a warm welcome to the team.

We have had all kinds of abuse in this team and understand the feelings of low self esteem and even self blame in many cases, although it is never ever the fault of a child.

So pleased you are wanting to grow in self esteem and love for yourself. These are all steps on the way to recovery. In my own case, I needed therapy to get me started on the road, but my abuse was from a very young age and I had buried a lot of it so deeply it only began to surface once I became willing and ready to look back. I had well and truly buried it under anything that would help to take away the pain.

I am happy to say that both therapy and then group work with others have helped me enormously to understand both myself and others.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Hugs Wispy



"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
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"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
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"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
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Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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PURELYLIZZIE's Photo PURELYLIZZIE SparkPoints: (1,933)
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6/1/14 10:22 P

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Hi, I'm Lizzie. I was sexually abused for a long time and emotionally abused. It really destroyed my self-esteem & love for myself. So, I'm trying to grow and learn to love myself as well as get in shape.

With Love Lizzie


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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 29,073
5/24/14 9:07 P

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Nan, I so hear you on that one. It took me a long time to believe it as well. I got the head knowledge, but it made very little different to how I felt inside. But one day, I can actually remember it quite clearly. I was in my therapists room at the time and we had been chatting, I dont remember what we were talking about. But for some reason I had a clear flash of insight and realised... of course I was not responsible... no child is ever responsible. It actually hit home deep inside me that I was not wicked, or unloveable, or that no one would ever love me and it was all my own fault. It was all stuff I had just grown up believing and said nothing about me at all. I then came to understand no matter what anyone says - the only person it says anything about is the person saying it. This is clear from the fact that people all have different opinions about everyone. No two people experience anyone in exactly the same way - we each see others through our own eyes and what life has been for us.

My mother had been abused as a child and my father was very emotionally disturbed. They could only give me what they had to give. They did not know how to be any different from what they were. They did the very best they could at the time. I believe this is true for all of us including myself and it led on to forgiveness of others and also myself. I spent my earlier life with an enormous guilt complex. Of course I had no idea that is what it was. I just thought I really was guilty. I felt guilty and ashamed of just being alive really. When I discovered the truth that I had a guilt complex and it did not mean I was guilty was a big day for me. But it did not change the way I felt overnight either. I had to work through it with a trained person. I was totally neurotic and went about apologising for all sorts of things that other people did not even notice. I would lie awake at night feeling riddled with guilt over some minor thing I had done, that wasnt even a bad thing - it just seemed bad to me. I had very little idea of right and wrong at that time and need to check it out with an understanding counselor. Thankfully I had that.

Sending you warm hugs. Wispy


"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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FINDINGMENANLT's Photo FINDINGMENANLT Posts: 31
5/24/14 7:23 A

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Please, call me Nan.

I think one of the most difficult things for me is being told well actually, that wasn't your fault as a child. You were not to blame. I have had it so ingrained for so long that I was supposed to be behaving like an adult from such an early age.





Forged in fire,
Quenched in tears.
I am formed
of hardened steel.



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