My boyfriend & I have been together for 14 years. We have a blended family, my 3 children and his only child. The kids have grown up together and are just like brothers & sisters.
On Dec 19th, 2011 my boyfriends 19 year old son was killed in a car accident. The accident was caused by someone ahead of him, who hit another car. The 2nd car came into oncoming traffic & hit Michael's car. He was killed instantly, his best friend was not expected to survive. However, his recovery has been amazing & he has been able to return to college.
We decided to wait until after Christmas to have the funeral. Christmas was just so sad: His stocking. His empty place at the table. The Christmas ornaments he'd made when he was a little boy. Knowing he was at the funeral home, all alone on Christmas was just too much.
In January we had a 20th Birthday celebration for him and that was heartbreaking. We organized a touch football game, released balloons & had a cake. We also brought a cake to the cemetery for him. It was a really hard day.
Actually, every day is a really hard day. Every inch of our home has memories of him. Not a day goes by that we don't just completely breakdown crying. When I think about how we will never see him again. How there were so many milestones for him, all the things he had not done yet. It's just too much. The pain and grief are so huge.
For the first month we had people over every single day. Sometimes nonstop. It really helped to have his friends here. As well as our own friends, bringing food. But the kids have gone back to school & most of the visits have stopped. I've got mixed emotions about it. I'm trying to get back to a normal routine, but I do miss having visitors. Most of the family has been able to somewhat resume our daily lives. Really, just going through the motions. Except my youngest daughter. She was unable to continue going to High School & is now finishing up her senior year, with online classes. The loss of this boy is so awful, that it just can not be true. And yet it is so horribly true. We are all just devastated.
I can not get past the timeline of the accident. How he was in the exact wrong place, at the wrong time. Thinking about how being 10 minutes earlier or later would have made all the difference. I've had people say it was Gods plan, but I do not believe that. And it really upsets me, because I have zero interest in what anyone may think was Gods plan. That's like telling me it is not a big deal, because that's how it was supposed to be. I don't want to justify this horrible, random tragedy, by tagging it as Gods Will.
So it's just one day after another, without him. Knowing it will never be OK, it will never get better. That this grief & loss will always be hanging over us.
One Day At A Time ( O.D.A.A.T.)
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