First of all,
to the group! You have come to the exact right place. No one here will make you feel "as though you've let them down" or "less than". Here you will find much support, much encouragement, much sharing of experience, strength and hope.
I can so empathize with you regarding the lack of health insurance. I haven't had any for about three years now. I finally got it last week, and I can tell you, it was a very happy day for me! Cut the anxiety in half immediately! I have other medical issues that I am dealing with, many of which involve pain and its management, so to be able to get all my meds again was awesome!
I also know about losing your job and how that feels. I lost mine a few months ago, through no fault of my own. I have arthritis and it worsened to the point where I could no longer use the computer for long periods of time. I was an administrative assistant and was on the computer 98% of each day. Thank God I have a laptop at home, but even that gets wearing after a while. I have to take lots of breaks.
Anyway, I moved back to my hometown (NYC) and I am now in a vocational rehabilitation program, where I have the opportunity to go to school to learn something new. I had been extremely anxious until now, because I was so frightened of what the future held for me. Thank God for your husband, because it's always easier to face a crisis with someone at your side. I lost my husband almost 2 years ago, and I have felt alone, adrift, and ANXIOUS ever since. This team has been a big help to me in dealing with those feelings. Sometimes I don't post, just come through and read what others are saying. It always makes me feel better.
Lastly, is there a community health center near you?
They will treat you using a sliding scale fee, and if you don't have the money up front, they will bill you. Also they have social workers who can help you to get on the Patient Prescription Assistance Plan. Most of the big drug companies will provide medications free of charge to those who cannot afford them, with a social work referral and a valid prescription. I urge you to look into this. I had it until I moved, and I can say it was a life-saver for me. Other possible sources of aid are WalMart and Walgreen's, both of which offer generic medication at an affordable price. I used to pay $4.00 for some meds at WalMart, and the highest I paid was $11.00.
One thing I want to say to you is to put down the alcohol. It is a depressant, and is only aggravating your anxiety, although you don't realize it. I am a recovering alcoholic (7 1/2 years) so I'm here to tell you-that is NOT the answer. As for the smoking, well it is unhealthy, but since I just quit this week, I can't fuss about it too much. I do know that it is not as detrimental to your mental health as alcohol is. And alcohol is sneaky! It presents as your "friend", as a form of relief. Then when you let your guard down, it pounces! I used to have enormous anxiety while drinking, because I started not remembering what I had done the night before, and cringing because I was afraid to ask anyone (usually I picked someone who was mad at me to ask, and they let me have it!). It's funny, but it's also tragic. I urge you with all my heart to put down the drink ASAP.
Again, I'm glad you are here. I am here, ready and willing to help you in any way I can.
Peace and blessings,
"I am only one, but still, I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And, because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do what I can."-Edward Everett Hale