Hello fellow Sparkies,
As my topic reads, I am happy to be here with you! I am also truly overwhelmed by what lies ahead. I am excited, but scared also.
I am fast-approaching my 41st birthday - it is just over one week away. I currently weigh in at 190 lbs. I work, don't have children (I avoid dating & meeting new people because of my feelings about my weight). Therefore I have loads of free time & no excuses not to use it! Yet I am bursting at the seams at 190 & am terrified if I don't do something now, that I will be looking at 200 lbs plus by my 42nd birthday.
Growing up very active & athletic, it's emotionally a real 'trip' when I look at myself naked in the mirror today. YIKES! That pretty much sums it up! I giggle as I write this, though it's not really that funny.
To be honest, I was always healthy & at a healthy weight up until around 35 years old. Since then, I have gained approximately 10 lbs a year. To me, that is a lot of weight, gained very quickly. Not something I am proud of.
It is remarkable to me how much my self-esteem, self-image, and general confidence level (in anything) has been affected by my change in weight & appearance. When I was younger - teens, twenties & early to mid thirties - nothing could stop me! I was so confident, outgoing, and unafraid. I shone!
It's a real eye-opener when I find myself on the other side of the fence. I see the world differently & really notice all of the discriminatory vibes out there. I suppose we can thank our media-driven society for that. Not an excuse, as I know for myself that I am uncomfortable at this weight because I know my body is not naturally meant to be this size (pain in knees, back, rolls where there shouldn't be rolls, etc is not natural at my age). My point being, though, that the skinny-minny images out there don't exactly help matters!!! LOL :(
Today, I am a different me. At least, I feel that way on the outside. Inside, I know that the real me is still here, but so coated & dormant from years of suppression.
Truthfully, sometimes I feel trapped in this body! Sometimes it makes me sad and angry, and other times just outright apathetic.
That is a very dangerous feeling - apathy.
The layers of reasoning behind my weight are multiple, and perhaps not all that interesting to all of you out there. In fact, it's hard to wrap my head around what all of the reasons are - why I do what I do (make bad choices), why I don't do what I indeed must (exercise and make healthy choices, consistently).
Figuring out and dealing with the emotions behind my being overweight & unhappy about it is SO HARD & yet when I read books like The Life You Want by Bob Greene, it seems absolutely pivotal to do this in order to get where I want to be.
Hence, what do I do? I read 35 pages into it & put the book down for 6 weeks. My thinking is: I CANNOT do this! The real logic is: if I don't, it WILL DEFINITELY get WORSE!
Man, it's hard! And yet, I know in my heart this is a fundamental step.
I didn't intend to spill all of this out in my introduction, however I realize that it is truly an introduction about me. About where I am now, and a bit about how I got here. This is the introduction, the start of my journey.
I have set goals for myself, and with your help and support & my own drive, I will achieve those goals. I refuse to perpetuate the downward collosal spiral!
Being here, I feel part of a greater good somehow. It sounds corny for sure, but I feel that there are truly people out there in Spark-Land that I will relate to, that will relate to me, and who know what it's like because they have been there.
I look forward not to commiserating about what a drag it is to be overweight, or unhappy with one's weight... but to befriending a healthy support group & working together to achieve our goals in order to live better, healthier lives!!
I would love to hear from you! Please do reply & I will do my best to keep interacting.
(I am a woman looking for a female exercise - walking/joggging buddy - in York Region area!! Please email me if you are interested :)
On my way to lovin' myself & lovin' life again...
Warm regards :)
| current weight: 418.0