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ILAMONIHOWIE's Photo ILAMONIHOWIE Posts: 97
9/13/13 2:50 P

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It looks like it's very quiet here, but I still want to introduce myself hoping someone out there sees this. My name is Jenny and I lost my little girl on April 15, 2012. She was diagnosed with stage IV Neuroblastoma when she was just 18 months old in August of 2006. She fought very hard and went into remission but still went through 4 years of treatment. She relapsed in May 2011 and then again in December 2011. Her cancer was too aggressive and progressed through therapy. We took her home and she was healed in heaven less than two weeks later. I know the pain we all as moms are going through. I have had too many losses. My first two babies were miscarriages and too early to find out if they were a boy or girl. I still have two children, Howie 13, and Monica 12. They keep me going. I take solace in knowing my baby girl is in heaven with my mom and my brother and of course so many other friends and family. She will never have to suffer again.

Jenny

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.


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LUANN7's Photo LUANN7 SparkPoints: (42,988)
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6/30/13 2:35 P

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my name is Lu Ann and I have 2 angels in heaven.In 1980 I lost a baby on Feruary 15 it was too early to tell whether it was a boy or girl then in November 1980 I had Jennifer on November 20th and she died November 22nd. There has not been a day that goes by that I don't think of these babies. I have 2 daughters now that are 29 and 30 and I am thankful for every minute I have with them.Its been many years but I cry for my angels everyday that they were taken away from me so early. I love them so much.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!! whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life!!!
LEADER-PARTNERSHIP ACCOUNTABILITY TO THE FINISH LINE.
CO-LEADER SHINING FOR JESUS
CO-LEADER GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS
C0-LEADER GODS AMAZING GRACE
CO-LEADER CHRISTIANS WITH 100 POUNDS TO LOSE
CO-LEADER GOD WORKS AMOUNG US


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ALLIG1023's Photo ALLIG1023 Posts: 4
2/10/13 10:20 A

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My name is Allison I am 27 and have a handsome angel son. I lost my handsome son at 4 months old to SIDS. That was 5 months ago. Since then I have gained 70 pounds. I need to work on myself and get in shape. I have 4 other kids I need to care for and be here for.

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APRILELLIS01's Photo APRILELLIS01 SparkPoints: (8,369)
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1/23/13 7:52 P

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My name is April, I am 24 years old and on September 11th 2008, my 21 month old son became an angel. I was at work, and was called by the babysitter that he was put to bed, and when checked upon he was not breathing. EMS Where called, they tried so hard to revive him, so did the doctors and nurses, what an amazing team. Unfortunately we where too late. After 6 months wait for the Autopsy and Toxicology report, his file was left undetermined, and the medical examiner told me "it was as if his heart just stopped beating" I cry as I write that because, he was to young and precious for it to be his time. I never wish losing a child upon my worst enemy, it has been a life changing experience, and through counseling, running, and having another daughter and two beautiful step daughters, there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of him, especially the bad days, when everything seems to fall apart because he isn't here to make me smile like he used too!

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TEXASGAL1961's Photo TEXASGAL1961 SparkPoints: (18,022)
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9/5/12 9:25 P

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my name is Amber and live in Texas. On Dec. 7,2009 I lost my youngest son at age 22 to AML Leukemia. He fought it for two years. This had been the hardest thing in my life to deal with.
I miss him everyday. I know he is watching over me and his older brother. I try to remember all the good times with him and how he always like to make people laugh and be comfortable.


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YCHIHARU's Photo YCHIHARU SparkPoints: (525)
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7/9/12 5:14 A

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I am 20 something have...had three children.
On Monday, July 2nd, I woke and found my 6 week old not breathing...paramedics were called in, but she could not be revived. Her name was Robin. I called her my little songbird.
CPS has taken my other two children, and I may not get them back until toxicology returns.

In a matter of less than a week, I lost just about everything. The only reason I'm still living right now is because my husband has been with me every step of the way, sharing in my pain and anguish.
We haven't even had her funeral yet. My baby is sealed away in a box, about to be flown down to my family's cemetery so that I know she is with family.

I want so badly to wake up, and find it was all just some terrible nightmare, some cruel joke. I can't have that. I have begged and pleaded with God since the moment i found her to let me take her place. I got to hold her in the funeral home...rock her, sing her favorite song to her, give her little kisses...and then they sealed her away. I will never see that beautiful face again. Never get to see her smile again, never see that awe struck expression as she explored her new world, never feel those tiny hands grip to my shirt as she started to fall asleep...her breath soft, and a little staggered.
She had some breathing issues even after she was released from the NICU a week after her birth...she wasn't breathing well at all and they took her from my arms and rushed her away.
I'm grateful to them though...6 weeks meant the world to me. The funeral home director...she told me, "Remember, it's not quantity, it's quality. And it sounds like there was a LOT of quality in the small time you had," and she was right. I have such wonderful and very painful memories. She was beautiful, noisy, cuddly, and my perfect little songbird.

When my children are given back, I'm sending them down to live with my parents...I had tried to do that in the first place, but CPS threw a order of protection against my father since he was the one coming up, and then one of my husband and I so we couldn't see them or send them down with anyone else...at this point...I am lost. I can't sleep, I've eaten once since last Monday, and that didn't stay down, I can't drink anything. I've cleaned my home like crazy...this God awful home that i want nothing to do with...I don't want to be here...

I have ALL her things in my living room. All her clothes in a giant clear back so I can look at them all, all her bottles in plastic bags, her swing and car seat entwined together.
Next to me, on the other side of my desk, i have her bouncer set up. I have a sleeper I always like to put on her buckled into it, the last pair of socks she wore tucked into the feet, her hospital bracelet sitting on the chest of the sleeper, one of her favorite bottles laying to one side, and her pacifier on the other, and then, attached to the zipper of the sleeper, is a tiny glass bottle with a lock of her dark red hair that the funeral home director cut for us.
I know it's not her...that's not what it's about...I guess it's more like a memorial. I've begged my husband to get me a reborn doll made in her image...but not I'm rethinking how wise that would be. I might snap when i get it and start treating it like it was her...I don't know. I thought that it would help me cope, but with how I am right now, it's not impossible for me to go over the edge.

I lost it on someone who made a status on their stupid FB that wasn't even directed at me. She had said something along the lines of "Stop whining and making depressing statuses. Grow up and learn to deal with your problems like an adult. Was it painful? Yes. Does it still hurt? You bet. But real adults don't sit on the computer and whine about their pain. they get up and try to change it." And like i said...I had a feeling it wasn't even directed at me, but this same girl is always posting things about how awful her life is, and I just lost it. I didn't cuss, didn't call er any names, just told I would post as much whiny and depressing stuff as I would like. I ended up getting called all sorts of nasty names by a few of her friends who were commenting back.

"Terribly sorry for your loss, but you are a straight up dumb***, maybe it's a good thing your baby is gone. God knows she doesn't need to suffer with you."
What a wonderful thing to tell someone. I didn't know what to say...just sort of left it at, "Thank you for letting me know you wish death on my children, thank you for reminding me how heartless most people can be. I'll do you all a favor, I'll just delete her. She was never that great of a friend to me anyhow."

And now I'm looking at how much I have typed...how much I deviated from my simple introduction. I'm sorry about that. I am still rambling at this point...I just miss my little songbird so much. But I know everyone here knows that pain, so hopefully you can forgive me. sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/17
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DONTGOAWAYMAD's Photo DONTGOAWAYMAD Posts: 122
6/22/12 2:28 P

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I'm not sure if I belong here or not, but here's my story.

In September of 2009, when I was 19, I had an IUD put in for birth control. In May of 2010, when I was 20, my fiance, Wayne, was attacked by our room mate and shot him. The man died and Wayne was arrested under suspicion of 2nd degree murder and was in jail until November of 2010.

We resumed living together, but due to the stress brought on by the shooting (I saw the aftermath), I had fallen into cocaine use. The drug gave me the energy to do things to distract me from the flashbacks and all that stuff.

December of 2010 brought my 21st birthday... My family and friends all chipped in to get me a limo ride and some champagne as a gift, which we did on Christmas eve. I drank an entire 750 ml. bottle of rum by myself, plus a ton of champagne and I don't even know what else. I drank until I threw up, and passed out for about 6 hours. Wayne stayed up all night to make sure I kept breathing. I woke up tired but without a hangover, did a line of cocaine, and cleaned the mud off of my clothes, mopped up my muddy footprints, made breakfast, and listened to people make fun of me, "She ain't leavin' till she's heaving!"

On New Year's eve, I woke up with the most horrendous abdominal pain I'd ever felt up to that point, and I was bleeding. I hadn't bled since the IUD was put in, so I knew something was wrong. I don't want to give TMI if I haven't already, so I'll just say it turned out that I had gotten pregnant the first night Wayne got home from jail, and the pain and bleeding was a miscarriage at about 8 weeks.

I never knew if I had a boy or girl, so I gave the gender-neutral name, Frankie. I feel so guilty for not knowing, and for doing drugs and drinking, which I am sure is what caused it. My mom and Wayne try to reassure me that it was the IUD, or that there was just some abnormality. But I don't believe it, and I'm sure it was my fault for not knowing I was pregnant. If I had known, I would have flushed the cocaine, the vicodin--everything--and I wouldn't have been drinking or smoking.

It's been 18 months, though, and I haven't done cocaine in almost a year. I only take my vicodin when I really need it, and I don't drink very often, but I do still enjoy the occasional beer or two. The IUD is gone, and I haven't smoked a cigarette in almost two weeks.

Wayne and I broke up in August of last year because we wanted different things from life. We are still very close friends, though. In December of 2011, I met Keri, and we fell in love fast. She and I have talked, and we do want children. We are working on getting healthier so we can (especially since her smoking and my weight are likely to affect our fertility) start TTC.

I still wonder though, what would Frankie be like? For some reason, I always imagine a girl, tall like Wayne, with the same stunning blue eyes and dark chocolate-colored hair as his, my golden complexion and fiery personality.

Something tells me, though, that Frankie is only gone temporarily, and that s/he will return in the same spirit and a new body. Until then, s/he will be my ever-present angel, the reason I don't want to do drugs or be fat.



"Preserving health by too severe a rule is a worrisome malady."
~Francois de La Rochefoucauld~
(1613 - 1680)


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DMORELLI1031's Photo DMORELLI1031 Posts: 4,260
5/16/12 12:20 P

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my name is darlene, i lost mmy son sal in a car accident, the kid that was the driver was going over 100. sal eas 26, but my baby he took care of me. i m 52 with 5 grown kids, my 2 youngest were the ones that rally was there for me. i really dont want to live anymore But my daughter is taking her brothers death bad, she could not handle me too. so i m sticking round. i m hopeing this group can help me pass this

Darlene


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WORKNGONMENOW's Photo WORKNGONMENOW Posts: 1,869
5/5/12 9:06 A

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Hi, My name is carrie,and my son Joey passed away this past thursday.
Joey is my angel, he will be missed by his ffamily.We won'tknw what actually happened until the full autopsy is done.I don't how to feel still, numb,and still in shock.

Achive what you can do NO EXCUSES
Never give up

Leader of the Houston Texans ,
TEXAS, the Official team
The Rockers


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RJC246's Photo RJC246 Posts: 148
3/15/12 2:38 P

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Hello Everyone...
My name is Rachel, I am 24 years old from Upstate NY and I am trying to get back into sparkpeople after a pretty rough start to 2012. Last year, I had successfully lost 80lbs and joined the "20 Somethings with under 20lbs" to lose team (or something like that). I was so proud of myself! It took me almost 2 years but I did it. Everything changed in August 2011. I found out I was pregnant, and, a day before my wedding in September 2011 I found out I was not only pregnant, I was pregnant with twins. I looked fantastic for my wedding and felt great knowing we were going to have two new additions to our family (my husband already has two children!). In November we found out we would be having identical twin girls :-) We chose the names Gwendolyn Joan Ruth and Genevieve Jolene Emerson (middle names are family names) and we were counting down the days until April 15th! Naturally, I was gaining weight but I felt that it was okay because I was pregnant with twins, and there wasnt much I could eat besides carbs in the first few months that didn't make me sick! I will admit, I might have overindulged a bit!
Then our world came crashing down around us. On December 21st, 2011, we lost our daughters Gwen and Evie. I went into pre-term labor and there was nothing they could do to stop it. At 21 weeks, my beautiful angels were just too small to be saved. I have never in my life had to experience something as painful as this. The world is not supposed to work this way. Parents should never have to bury their children. I left the hospital almost 20lbs lighter than when I went in, and with two pieces of my heart forever missing.
While I have said to myself many times since then that I am going to re-dedicate myself to a healthy lifestyle, I haven't been able to do it. I have eaten so much fast food in the last 3 months, I am sick of it. I rarely have the energy to cook at home and I have no interest in healthy foods. Part of me says this is the one thing I can control in my life right now and the other part says why bother, it isn't worth it. I lost the thing most important to me and nothing matters now. But, I want to try again and I am turning to all of you for support. It is not going to be easy. I really would just rather give up and stay in bed the rest of my life. But I'm still going to try. I can't do it without help though, and when I say help, I will really need a ton. I hate the way I look now, I hate the way I feel. I am embarassed. I have gained back over 40lbs that I had lost and I just feel disgusting. We are considering trying to get pregnant again at the end of the year and I know this weight will only make it more difficult and potentially dangerous given my history.
So...there it is. I'm asking for help. I have 61 pounds to lose to get to where I want to be.



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SNLSUL1092 Posts: 401
2/15/12 1:16 P

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Thanks so much for your words (and hug!). Throughout the morning yesterday, I was feeling sorry for myself and feeling pretty blue. Basically, because I COULD! It was the anniversary of Christopher's birth and death, so I felt entitled. I decided midway through the day that I was going to turn my day around and choose to celebrate the children I CAN hug, kiss and hold and to celebrate the husband who has loved me through so much. We went to the cemetery and sang Happy Birthday (took him a motorcycle model), then we went out to dinner as a family. Fewer tears than ever, lots more celebration of who and what we have become. In short, on Valentine's Day this year (for the first time in 17 years), I CHOSE LOVE! I am so proud of myself!

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JCOUCH82's Photo JCOUCH82 Posts: 436
2/14/12 11:29 A

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You are not bringing me down. Some days are hard because a piece of you is missing. (((Hugs))) I hope your day gets better

The only person who can stop you from making better choices right now is YOU


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SNLSUL1092 Posts: 401
2/14/12 10:12 A

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Completely at a loss today. Today is my son Christopher's 17th birthday. Also the 17th anniversary of his death from Strep B. I have two beautiful daughters who have rescued me from sadness without even realizing it. Today I am so sad, but as always, don't want to bring everyone else "down" on Valentine's day!

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JCOUCH82's Photo JCOUCH82 Posts: 436
1/21/12 7:30 P

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My name is Jennifer. I am a mother of two children. Ava who is 3 years old and Jac who would be 20 months old. I lost my son 18 months ago at the age of 2 1/2 months due to a viral infection. I have my good days and my hard moments. I will miss him everyday.

The only person who can stop you from making better choices right now is YOU


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SSPINDA's Photo SSPINDA SparkPoints: (538)
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12/8/11 9:00 P

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emoticon to the team Jenn, Jean, and Julie!! Each of your stories have touched my heart and brought me to tears. I am so very sorry for your losses.

I am Shanna, one of the co-leaders on this team. I'm trying to check in as much as possible, but please feel free to email me if you have a question or need support. I would like to wish you all the best of luck on your journey.

emoticon

�I can�t imagine a person becoming a success who doesn�t give this game of life everything he�s got.�

sspinda-stellajourney.blogspot.com/


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BUGALOOLOO's Photo BUGALOOLOO Posts: 101
12/8/11 12:20 P

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Hello,

My name is Julie and I am Mom to two wonderful little girls. Taryn was born 11/3/09 and was beautiful and perfect and the light of my life for 2 months and 22 days. She passed away from SIDS January 25th, 2010 during her afternoon nap. It took us months to even try to pick up the pieces. We are still searching for some answers that I know we'll never get. Her little sister Marilyn was born 9/3/11 (opposite date of her sister, they were also the same weight and length and 22 months almost to the hour apart)! Marilyn has brought back a lot of the joy I thought I would never be able to feel again. Some days I'm scared to be happy because I know how quickly things can change. I also see her much healthier and developing so much faster than her sister did. It makes me sad for Taryn that she never got the chance she deserved at life. I have a lot of weight to lose and I've been here before, just been MIA for awhile... It's time to get healthy for me and my girls!

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IMNAHA's Photo IMNAHA SparkPoints: (21,866)
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12/7/11 5:51 P

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Hello my name is Jean and my son became am angel at 28 years of age on Feb 3,2005. I used to think It would be harder to lose a baby than an adult child, but now I realize that loss is loss regardless of age. Robert was ridding his bike home from work on that evening when a drunk driver struck him from behind. He carried Robert on the hood of his pickup for 100 feet and then drove off and left him there like a discarded animal. Robert had a mild mental handicap and was always kind to younger children and had a special talent handling animals. its difficult not having him here when I see something I know would please him I would love to be able to tell him about it and we would laugh but its no longer possible.

Edited by: IMNAHA at: 12/7/2011 (17:53)
Jean From Imnaha Oregon


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JENNYLG12's Photo JENNYLG12 SparkPoints: (3,566)
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12/7/11 9:48 A

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My name is Jenn and my son Robbie became an angel at almost 6 mths of age. I never got to bring him home. We stayed at CHEO. It was the hardest time of my life. I miss him everyday. It will be one year this week. I got pregnant with his little sister soon after and she's 2 mths old now. It's been hard. I see all the things he missed out on having her home and realize even more now how hard his life was in the hospital. He's my first born so I didn't know anything else but monitors and wires....

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FLGATORMOM's Photo FLGATORMOM Posts: 120
11/28/11 8:31 P

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Welcome to the group. It is very quiet here but I just wanted you to know that someone is here.

Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.


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SSPINDA's Photo SSPINDA SparkPoints: (538)
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11/27/11 1:28 P

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Hello all! Almost 10 months ago I lost my baby girl, Stella. She fought for 5 amazing days in the NICU! My loss is still so raw and painful, but I would like to try and get my life back on track. I'm here to support and be supported.
emoticon

�I can�t imagine a person becoming a success who doesn�t give this game of life everything he�s got.�

sspinda-stellajourney.blogspot.com/


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BUTTERFLYSONGS's Photo BUTTERFLYSONGS Posts: 5,395
8/30/11 2:08 P

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I hope that we can offer you the support you need in your times of sadness! Welcome ! emoticon

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. ~Maya Angelou





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FLGATORMOM's Photo FLGATORMOM Posts: 120
8/29/11 10:08 P

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Hello everyone, my name is J and my angel is my daughter Nicole who passed away on May1, 2011 after a 6 week fight with cancer. I not only lost my only daughter( I have 2 sons), but my very best friend. I really need somewhere I can go, on a daily basis, and chat about my feelings where people understand.

Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.


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LADYPJAY's Photo LADYPJAY SparkPoints: (4,955)
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8/10/11 4:56 P

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Reading these posts hurt my heart, but we are all in this together. I lost my 17 year old daughter Nicole in car accident on 11/9/08. We had adopted her and her brother from Russia, so I feel extremely guilty. IF I hadn't chosen them, she may still be alive, but then I have my faith, and I believe God has counted all of our days. For my baby girl, Nicole, I am trying so hard to get my act together...as far as food, exercise, weight loss, overall health, and my clutter. I want to live life to my fullest for Nicole. It is what she would have wanted.

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks to the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son



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TONYSBABYCAKE's Photo TONYSBABYCAKE Posts: 3
8/2/11 9:57 P

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Hello, my name is Tammy and my sweet angel is my 12 year old son Zachary, we lost him on May 22,2011 to the Joplin tornado. I don't know where to begin other than I need help to get through this and to have the desire to loose weight when so consumed by our son going to heaven before us. My husband was badly hurt in the tornado and finally got to go back to work two days ago and my first day back is tomorrow. I am very anxious about it as I was at work when the tornado struck and I work at the only remaining hospital in Joplin as the tornado took the other one. I will never forget the fear and horror of that night.

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BRIGHTPENNY's Photo BRIGHTPENNY Posts: 460
7/31/11 6:43 P

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I am so sorry for your loss Toni. Time to mourn and be lost in the events of Elyas' death are not set in stone and many families fall apart with the death of a child. We lost two of our three children. One was a girl we named Catherine. She was born full term but stillborn. Our son Rob at the time was 2 and1/2 years, and to this day, I remember him waking at night and sitting up and saying, "I am so sad, Mommy". Of course he felt his sadness for Catherine, through our changed behaviour. You will know when it is time for you to return to building your life and being "Mommy" to your two remaining children. They hurt to see you so devastated.

Like you Bertha, our second loss was our son, Michael, who died by suicide at the age of 21. We did have warning, but he went very quickly into a deep depression after he broke up with his first serious girl friend. It has been 33 years since Catherine died, and 4 since Michael. After Michael died, I thought I'd never be alive again. I became consumed in the trauma, in the finding of HIM in our house. The grief counsellor, after two years, encouraged me to pick the months around his memorial date to centre on the trauma if I must, for otherwise, it prevented me from the sheer missing of him and the actual mourning of our dear son. Over this last four years I did not care about what I ate and gained over 70 lbs. I realized I had to start looking after myself for the sake of me, and more importantly, my remaining son. I didn't want to send him a message that he wasn't worth living for. So gradually, my husband and I have picked up the pieces of our lives, and I can say we are beginning to enjoy life once again. Have we forgotten our Michael? Absolutely not, but he would want us to be happy and be there for his brother. This indeed is what he wrote.There is life after loss. It's not, however, the life and hopes and dreams we had before Michael died. We honor Michael's death in our own way, with a university scholarship we set up in his name. Michael was generous, funny, smart, and would give the shirt off his back to anyone who needed it. He and his brother were very close. Did we have any idea of the degree of his despair...... no! We ask the "Why's" and "What if's", as all of us do, and tire in the process, for there are no answers. This we have learned and continue to try to make peace with. My heart goes out to all of us who are here!
Jan Michael and Catherine's Mom

emoticon

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"
~Ghandhi

-- Jan--
Ontario, CAN
Goals: completed*
Virtual 5K*
SAC Dec-Jan/12*
January Jumpstart Challenge*
BLC18: CAMO *
Wt Loss Goals:
50 lbs: 15/5 to 3/12/11*
60 lbs: 20/01/12*
70 lbs: 08/04/12*
73 lbs: 15/05/12*
(1 YR Aniversary)
Finish/maintain:
75 lbs: 10/05/12*




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SUZYBGOOD's Photo SUZYBGOOD Posts: 686
7/23/11 9:04 P

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My name is Suzanne, my angel is Kristopher, he was 20 when he was killed a year ago May 7. He was in the Navy, stationed in Virginia Beach, VA. He was camping with his fellow shipmates in North Carolina and was sleeping on the beach at the campground when a drunk driver, driving on the beach ran over him. He was our only child. My husband and I are still together but every day is a struggle. It is a struggle to find a reason now to get out of bed. To exercise, to move out of the chair, and basically to care. I was a nurse before this and now I can't stand to be a nurse anymore so I don't work, I am studying to be a medical transcriptionist so I may work from home. I have recently discovered yoga in my life and it helps immensely. I live only to glorify my son and hope that one day we will be reunited. I was on sparkpeople before he went into the navy and I lost 37lbs but since his death I gained it all back. I have been working since January and so far have lost 15 lbs.

Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while movement and methodical physical exercise save and preserve it. - Plato


 current weight: 160.8 
 
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PKELLAM's Photo PKELLAM Posts: 678
6/21/11 12:25 A

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Hi Toni -

Thank you for sharing your Elyas with us. We are a quiet group but we are here if you need us.

Sending Peace and Strength...

Penny - Sean's Mom
12/10/83-12/28/05

Penny

Leader: Unexpected Angels
Co - Leader: Half Marathon & Breast Cancer Walk Teams

2011 Races
~ 3/11 St Pat's Dash
~ 4/11 Tulip Run
~ 6/11 Seattle RnR HM
~ 7/11 Ragnar Northwest Passage Relay
~ 8/11 Hood to Coast
~ 10/11 Girlfriends HM

2010 Race Results
2:38:21 Girlfriends HM 10/17/10
2:39:51 Seattle RnR HM 6/25/10
28:24 Race for the Cure (5K) 6/6/10
2:41:15 Race for the Roses HM 4/10/10

2009 Race Results

 current weight: 156.8 
 
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TONIJEANETTE's Photo TONIJEANETTE SparkPoints: (205)
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Posts: 4
6/18/11 10:36 P

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Hi, my name is Toni. I am 25. My Angel's name is Elyas. He was born on October 24, 2009. He was two weeks early because I pushed myself to hard carrying for his older brother Perrin while I was pregnant. From the moment he was born I knew something was wrong. He whistled as he took etch breath of his life. He never slept longer than 20 minutes at a time. I would pray for him to sleep. Now I hate to sleep. He passed away on January 13, 2010. The doctors never figured out what was wrong. One ventured a guess of malformed adenoids, but the official ruling is "unknown causes". I will never understand why my mother decided not to check on him... he was "asleep" for 4 hours before they went to see how he was. He has been dead for 3 hours before they even noticed. Now my husband and I are separated and his mom wants to have Perrin and Alexander (my youngest son) to stay with her for two weeks. I pray every day that God give me the strength not to explain to her how I can't get past thinking if she had just looked in on him.... Perrin stopped talking and eating when Elyas died. To hide it from my husband I started eating Perrin's portion at most meals for him. It became a comfort to me, protecting the one I had left in this strange way. Now I can't stop. I am always hungry and looking for what's next. Alexander is older now than his brother will ever be. I stop and wonder at etch milestone where Elyas would be. How much Perrin would be doing if he hadn't faced at 18 months what most don't deal with until they are grown. If all three of them would have had the instant bond that Perrin has had with both of his brothers. I hold my sons and pray they wake up. I fear etch nap and bedtime. I am constantly running up the stairs to peek in on them. Only now I am getting to a point where I can't run. My legs are swollen all the time and I get winded half-way up the flight I have climbed for more that 12 years. My husband turned to drugs, I turned to food. It's time for both of us to stop.

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DLEERICH1's Photo DLEERICH1 SparkPoints: (2,369)
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5/20/11 11:00 P

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I am so sorry...that took a lot of courage to come here and tell us your story...it is a step for you. And, don't be afraid to talk more--we've been there, we've felt that. You're in a good, safe place.

"Above all else, remember this: to thine own self be true."


 current weight: 245.0 
 
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PKELLAM's Photo PKELLAM Posts: 678
5/20/11 8:39 P

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Welcome to the group. And thank you for sharing your son with us. If I can help at all please don't hesitate to drop me a note at kellam83@att.net.

Penny - Sean's Mom
12/10/83 - 12/28/05


Penny

Leader: Unexpected Angels
Co - Leader: Half Marathon & Breast Cancer Walk Teams

2011 Races
~ 3/11 St Pat's Dash
~ 4/11 Tulip Run
~ 6/11 Seattle RnR HM
~ 7/11 Ragnar Northwest Passage Relay
~ 8/11 Hood to Coast
~ 10/11 Girlfriends HM

2010 Race Results
2:38:21 Girlfriends HM 10/17/10
2:39:51 Seattle RnR HM 6/25/10
28:24 Race for the Cure (5K) 6/6/10
2:41:15 Race for the Roses HM 4/10/10

2009 Race Results

 current weight: 156.8 
 
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BERTHA1234 SparkPoints: (1,584)
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Posts: 115
5/20/11 6:02 P

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Hello
My name is Betha. I lost my son when he was 23, just shy of his 24th birthday this past August, In the months since his death, I have managed to gain 30 pounds, eating and drinking to fill the void left by loosing him. Unfortunately he died of suicide. There was no warning, just his escape to a difficult situation. It was a shock then, and is still difficult to think about.

DLEERICH1's Photo DLEERICH1 SparkPoints: (2,369)
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Posts: 319
3/30/11 6:10 P

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Hello. My name is Donna, and I offer my sincerest condolences on your losses.

I am just now getting back into SparkPeople. I was part of this team when it was called "Children with Wings" and it helped me more than I can tell you.

My angel's name is Mindy and she died of a blood clot to her heart at the age of 21. It happened in December of '06. I do not agree with the person who said that it gets "easier"; it just gets different. Life goes on, and I have two other children (now grown) and I'm raising Mindy's son now, who was only 1 and 1/2 years old when she died.

I know that I use food has solace whenever I am feeling grief. I miss her a lot, but not when people think I would, like her birthday or a holiday. I will want to tell her about something her son, now five and a half, did at school, or I'll see a product in a zebra print (she collected zebras) and will want to buy it for her. Then I'll be crying--to another person for absolutely no reason--and it rather feels like I'm going crazy.

I am trying to be a healthier person so that I can honor my angel's legacy and raise her baby boy to adulthood. That's why I came back to SparkPeople. I hope to get--and give--support during this journey of weight-loss and bereavement.

"Above all else, remember this: to thine own self be true."


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PKELLAM's Photo PKELLAM Posts: 678
3/27/11 12:51 P

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Welcome Amy. May you feel Tori's sweet kiss on the wind today and everyday.

Penny - Sean's Mom
12/10/83-12/28/05

Penny

Leader: Unexpected Angels
Co - Leader: Half Marathon & Breast Cancer Walk Teams

2011 Races
~ 3/11 St Pat's Dash
~ 4/11 Tulip Run
~ 6/11 Seattle RnR HM
~ 7/11 Ragnar Northwest Passage Relay
~ 8/11 Hood to Coast
~ 10/11 Girlfriends HM

2010 Race Results
2:38:21 Girlfriends HM 10/17/10
2:39:51 Seattle RnR HM 6/25/10
28:24 Race for the Cure (5K) 6/6/10
2:41:15 Race for the Roses HM 4/10/10

2009 Race Results

 current weight: 156.8 
 
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AMYEMAXEY's Photo AMYEMAXEY SparkPoints: (2,730)
Fitness Minutes: (5,557)
Posts: 36
3/26/11 10:24 P

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Hi! My name is Amy and my husband and I have 6 beautiful children. Isabelle (10), Caleb (8), Eleanor (6), Olivia (5), Victoria (would be 4 in May), and Sophia (21 months). We lost our Tori Grace (just a few days shy of 20 months) early in the morning in 1/12/2009. She got Sick on Sunday afternoon and was gone by Monday Morning about 6:30. The autopsy said acute pneumonia, but we don't really think that was it. We miss her every day, but our five keep us grounded. I am grateful for them and the short time that Tori was with us, and for the knowledge that we will see her again.

Edited by: AMYEMAXEY at: 3/28/2011 (01:02)
"If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgement more than men's, we will have self-esteem"



President Ezra Taft Benson


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SAC200's Photo SAC200 Posts: 460
2/23/11 8:26 P

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So sorry for the loss of your little boy. It has been 7 1/2 years for me. Yesterday was his birthday. Special occasions are the hardest.

Do one thing today that shows the world what you believe. Do one thing that you know is right. Do one thing that would make your hero smile.


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IMATTER2GOD's Photo IMATTER2GOD Posts: 176
2/23/11 2:30 P

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Hi, my name is Donita. I am a mother to 3 wonderful sons, Travis 16, Josiah 6 & Jesse who would be 17 now.

We lost Jesse to SIDS in '94 when I was pregnant with Travis. It has been almost 17 years, but the hurt is still so very bad. I think this year is especially hard on me, as there were several of my friends that had babies born that same summer. I see those kids getting ready to graduate & doing all the stuff for their senior year & it is really hard for me. I feel like after 16 1/2 years it shouldn't be this bad, but the pain seems to be getting worse instead of better.

Thank you.

~~Donita~~

I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me! Phillipians 4:13


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PKELLAM's Photo PKELLAM Posts: 678
2/17/11 11:09 P

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Welcome Sally. You'll find this group to sometimes be a bit quiet but always here when you need us.

Thank you for introducing Tim to us. I know how difficult these special days can be.

Sending Peace...

Penny

Penny

Leader: Unexpected Angels
Co - Leader: Half Marathon & Breast Cancer Walk Teams

2011 Races
~ 3/11 St Pat's Dash
~ 4/11 Tulip Run
~ 6/11 Seattle RnR HM
~ 7/11 Ragnar Northwest Passage Relay
~ 8/11 Hood to Coast
~ 10/11 Girlfriends HM

2010 Race Results
2:38:21 Girlfriends HM 10/17/10
2:39:51 Seattle RnR HM 6/25/10
28:24 Race for the Cure (5K) 6/6/10
2:41:15 Race for the Roses HM 4/10/10

2009 Race Results

 current weight: 156.8 
 
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SAC200's Photo SAC200 Posts: 460
2/17/11 12:42 P

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I'm Sally. My son Tim was murdered in 2003. He was 22. He should be turning 30 next Tuesday, Feb. 22. He was going to be a dad, but never got to see or hold his precious little boy.

Do one thing today that shows the world what you believe. Do one thing that you know is right. Do one thing that would make your hero smile.


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SASKATOONJANE's Photo SASKATOONJANE SparkPoints: (3,463)
Fitness Minutes: (3,375)
Posts: 267
2/16/11 4:28 P

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Hello,
My name is Jane.
My precious Monica was taken December, 2009.
She had just turned 3.

Its been 14 months and 11 days.

I am shattered

Edited by: SASKATOONJANE at: 2/16/2011 (16:31)
 current weight: 218.0 
 
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MOMOFTINYANGELS SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 1
2/12/11 4:30 P

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Hello everyone. My name is Antoinette. I am a wife to my childhood sweet heart, and I am the mother to a two year old little girl and a would be almost one little boy. Both of my children were born very premature. My daughter weighed 1 lbs and 12 oz. My son weighed 2 lbs and passed away three days after his birth due to a lung hemmorhage. His first birthday is the 25th of February. I have been looking for other parents to talk to about how to live my life in a world without my child and have not had much luck until now. Everyone here seems very kind and supportive and I am very sorry and sad we all have this terrible thing in common, but am looking forward to receiving and hopefully offering support.

SKINNY2B42's Photo SKINNY2B42 SparkPoints: (3,149)
Fitness Minutes: (1,424)
Posts: 32
1/28/11 9:55 A

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HI, I am the mother of 2 daughters. Sarah born 1994 passed away 4 months after she was born. Her sister Hannah born 2002, is the spitting image of her sister and even after 17 yrs my heart aches for Sarah. It is impossible for someone to understand that grief unless you have gone through it.

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VIOLETTEE's Photo VIOLETTEE SparkPoints: (0)
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1/2/11 6:13 P

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Hi - I'm the mother of 6- and my lil angel Billy Wayne Espinoza passed April 4th of 2000. Had the honor meeting Joanne Cacciatore who started the MISS Foundation. I greatly recommend her book ''Dear Cheyenne''- to anyone who has lost a child.

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TERRI143's Photo TERRI143 SparkPoints: (5,349)
Fitness Minutes: (485)
Posts: 84
11/9/10 9:20 A

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thank you so much Dianne. its just that on their birthday, or their Anniversary it is hard, as everyone knows. how i wish that we didn't need a club like this, but i am so glad i found you all. in a way we all have a bond together, so we can all help each other. i want to thank all for letting me go on and on. sorry, but sometimes i need to let things out. God bless

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TWINKS55's Photo TWINKS55 SparkPoints: (76,733)
Fitness Minutes: (162,097)
Posts: 9,709
11/8/10 11:14 P

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Hi Terri.
My son's name was Christopher too.
We do not know when our children are born what path they will take. You did your very best. You may feel it was not enough, but your love for yor dear son can be felt here as you talk about him. He is in another place now where things are very likely different for him.
Its hard for us to stay here without our loved one, I know. The pain of being away from them is severe. But we do go on and hopefully make them proud of us. When we meet again it will be even more delightful that way.
Here are some emoticon for you!

emoticon Dianne

~Dianne~
PEI , Canada




Total SparkPoints: 76,733
 
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TERRI143's Photo TERRI143 SparkPoints: (5,349)
Fitness Minutes: (485)
Posts: 84
11/8/10 12:34 P

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hi, my name is Terri. my son Christopher was my first born. it was the perfect pregnancy. when he was born, he was just perfect. me and his dad divorced when he was 2 1/5yrs never had no problems, just every day boys stuff. and he was all boy. when he became a teenager he got mixed up with the wrong crowd. he started to sniff paint,and do other drugs. we tried everything that we could think of. he even got picked up by the cops for having drugs on him. we thought if he sat overnight at the police station until court the next day, hopefully he'll learn this was not for him. he was clean for awhile. when he was 22ys, he lost his job, and apt, so he stayed at his dads until he can get a job. well, his dad works long crazy hours, we didn't know he was starting to use again. one afternoon before his dad left for work, they had a big argument. Chris called a girl he know and asked her to come over, he was really depressed about arguing with his dad and needed to talk to someone. she lived about 5 or 10 min away from him. when she got there she knocked, he didn't answer, so she went in. she found him on the living room floor. he committed suicide on Nov. 19, 1998. his 12 year anniversary is coming up soon, and it is not a really good day for me. the only good thing about that day is i have a grandson that will be 7yrs on that day. it still hurts like hell on some days, some days are just find. at first i thought many times of taking my own life, just to be with him, but i have 3 other children, and they couldn't go through it again. it was hard enough the one time. he was 22yrs old. my other children were 18,17,and 16yrs.
sorry this is long, but it does help to talk to other people that have gone through what you have. it's like a brotherhood that none of us wanted to join, but are still in.
thank you all for listening, it does help.








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TWINKS55's Photo TWINKS55 SparkPoints: (76,733)
Fitness Minutes: (162,097)
Posts: 9,709
10/22/10 2:14 A

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Hi. My name is Dianne. My son's name was (and still is) Christopher. He died July 1st , 2010 - on our Canada Day (like the U.S, Independence Day). It was a day to celebrate his freedom from pain. Christopher battled Ewings sarcoma, a form of bone cancer for 5 years. He died at age 12. The pain he went through was excruciating but he was so brave. He is my hero and an example to me of tremendous courage. I miss him deeply every day - him - his beautiful spirit, but not the pain. I know he is free from pain now.He is busy, happy, and free! I know also that he continues to love me and that his spirit has comforted me many times.

emoticon Dianne

~Dianne~
PEI , Canada




Total SparkPoints: 76,733
 
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PAPADON96's Photo PAPADON96 Posts: 172
6/17/10 2:57 P

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Hello my name is Don and my angels name is Jessica. Jessica passed away suddenly in 1991 at age 20 while attending college. She died in her sleep from a blood clot to the lungs. The official term is pulmonary embolism. Next year she will be gone as long as she was alive. Her mother and I miss her so so much. She was such a special girl and never stopped smiling and I know she is smiling down at us today and gently whispering "don't cry daddy, I am ok"

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WALKINGTHETALK's Photo WALKINGTHETALK Posts: 286
6/17/10 9:58 A

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Hi, my name is Sharon and I just recently joined Sparkpeople.com to help me "walk the talk" I am a proud mother of 4 - 11 year old girl (Jayme), 8 year old boy (Carter), an angel who would have just turned 6 (Kaity), and our rainbow Thomas who is 2.

Our daughter Kaity was born with DiGeorge Syndrome (deletion of chromosome 22Q11.2). Her syndrome presented with a heart defect called Tetrology of Fallot with absent pulmonary valve; Severe Combined Immune Deficiency; calcium deficiency resulting in seizures; and much more. She underwent heart surgery and a lung lobectomy at about 3 weeks old, had a second lung lobectomy at about 2 months, but was not able to overcome her health issues. She died in her Daddy's arms when she was 3 months and 10 days old.

I miss my baby girl every single day, but I chose to be happy. If I could live through the loss of a child, I should certainly be strong enough to lose a little weight (again)!


Sharon - Ontario


It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
- James Gordon, M.D.


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JIM1MICHAEL2's Photo JIM1MICHAEL2 Posts: 3,142
6/10/10 2:02 P

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Hi, Angie. I understand your feelings very well. It's been many years since Michael died and I still feel the same emotions you're feeling now. I just went to is grave to clean it up for the summer. I was fine as I did all the weed pulling and planting. But when it was time for me to finish up and leave, it hit me - again. My older son and I talk about Michael, wondering what he'd be doing, would he be married, would I have grandchildren from him. I think it's the loss of the future, the trashing of a parent's dreams that among the worst to deal with.

I hope you have peace in your heart for your darling Katelynn. margi. emoticon

_______________________
margi
Michael's Mom
12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
- Exodus 25:30

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
- Jean Paul Richter
_____________________



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MOM2MXKE's Photo MOM2MXKE Posts: 432
6/10/10 12:48 P

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Hello there...My name is Angie. My angels name is Katelynn Elaine. She was born July 6th 2002 and passed away August 6th 2002 of SIDS. Though she has been
gone so long now I still miss her so very much. I have 3 living children. I have Makayla who is going to be 13 this year. Xavier who just turned 11 and
Emma is my subsuquant child who will be 7. She and Katelynn are almost 1 year
apart. Emma's Birthday is August 1. I was enduced with all of my kids except Katelynn. Katelynn was my littlest baby at 7 lb 11 oz. When they enduced me
with all of my kids they had to wait 7 days after the due date. Emma should have been enduced on the 6th. LUCKILY my mid wife broke the rules for me(:
I look at Katelynn's life as such a blessing from god to have had a angel in my arms for a month. I have a rough time though the month before her birthday. I am consumed by my feelings of missing her and consumed by just thoughts of her. She will be 8 this year. I have been doing really well with working out and my eating in control and boom...June. There are days that I feel fine and days that i feel like i could eat a cake. Today is a cake day. But I haven't eatten a cake...yet. lol I wont!! I tell my self do not punish myself for my emotions. But it isn't easy. This crappy weather does not help ): I live in Washington state...that says it all lol

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JIM1MICHAEL2's Photo JIM1MICHAEL2 Posts: 3,142
4/6/10 1:06 P

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Hi, Julie. What a beautiful picture of you and your darling daughter Taryn. I am so sorry for your loss. My son Michael died from SIDS when he was 11 wks. old. It's the greatest loss parents can experience. The hopes and dreams and the future are gone.

I've gotten much support from 2 different Compassionate Friends groups - one in FL, the other here in NY. They have a website; perhaps at some point you'd like to go on line. They have information they can send you and direct you towards a local support group when you feel that you're ready for it.

I wish you and your family the best in dealing with this terrible loss. margi. emoticon

_______________________
margi
Michael's Mom
12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
- Exodus 25:30

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
- Jean Paul Richter
_____________________



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BUGALOOLOO's Photo BUGALOOLOO Posts: 101
4/6/10 12:49 P

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My name is Julie and I lost my Daughter, Taryn, 2 months ago to SIDS. She died peacefully during her afternoon nap, and now we are left to pick up the pieces and go back to being 2 instead of 3. I have gained some weight in the past couple of months (on top of baby weight) and feel miserable and need to get in gear!

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JIM1MICHAEL2's Photo JIM1MICHAEL2 Posts: 3,142
4/1/10 9:17 A

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I am so sorry for all of our losses. You lose your dreams of the future. If it would help you, please read my blog. About signs from our children. You'll all be in my prayers. margi. emoticon

Edited by: JIM1MICHAEL2 at: 4/1/2010 (09:18)
_______________________
margi
Michael's Mom
12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
- Exodus 25:30

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
- Jean Paul Richter
_____________________



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MAJG9609's Photo MAJG9609 Posts: 160
3/31/10 11:37 P

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Hello, my name is Julie, I am a returning member. I was on here about 2 1/2 years ago. But, I am back and ready to loss weight again. My Angel Jennifer Rose passed away 3 years ago. She was 4 1/2 at the time, she had went up to heaven in her sleep from Kedney Failure. But, I look forward to getting to know all of you. :)

Jewels


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JIM1MICHAEL2's Photo JIM1MICHAEL2 Posts: 3,142
3/25/10 1:53 P

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emoticon to you, SNLSUL1092. I understand your sense of loss w/your son. My son Michael died when he was 11 wks old, from SIDS. I was devastated as you would know; unfortunately, our marriage didn't survive. I have an older son Jim who's 41 and has the afternoon gig on a PA radio station. He's great. He and I talk about Michael - the same things you wonder about. What would he be? Would I have grandchildren? Would he be the good kid or the ornery stinker as you put it. I'm sure they'd both be great kids and I hope they've met in Heaven. God bless you. You and your family will be in my prayers. margi. emoticon

_______________________
margi
Michael's Mom
12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
- Exodus 25:30

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
- Jean Paul Richter
_____________________



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SNLSUL1092 Posts: 401
3/25/10 11:52 A

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I'm Lisa and I'd like to share the story of our angel. It's kind of a long one, but I'm finally sharing it, so hope you don't mind. My husband and I grew up 8 miles apart but didn't meet until we had graduated college and started our careers. Got married at 25 and moved to Chicago (from Kansas) to start our exciting life together. After a few years, we bought a perfect little house on a quiet street with lots of families and neighborhood kids. We were so excited to welcome our first child a few weeks after moving in. Christoper Steven was born at 12:07 a.m. on Valentines Day...2/14/95. APGAR scores all 9's. 7# 8oz and 10 days before his due date. C-Section after 16 hours of labor (he turned his head and was stuck in the birth canal). All was well...we took a few pictures and called our family. They took him to the nursery and ordered me to rest. I happily complied knowing that we would have a lifetime together. If only I had known...7 hours later the neonatoligist woke me up to tell me that he was having a "little trouble breathing". The whirling vortex of terror began and we were sucked along at a chaotic pace. An ambulance from Loyola hospital arrived with a neonatology team as they had to transfer him to a hospital capable of handling his condition...though they weren't sure what his condidion was. We had him baptized (thanks to our parish priest who dropped everything and sped to the hospital) but were not able to hold him. I touched his hand through the little door in the isolette. A million questions about our health history later, they were off in an ambulance. A few hours, a lot of prayers and a river of tears later, they transferred me to Loyola as well...to be close to him and receive extra attention to my suddenly precarious health situation (though they didn't share that right away). Shortly after I arrived, they brought us into the neonatologists office and explained to us that Christopher had Strep B and his heart and lungs were no longer functioning and that he would not survive. We cried and we begged, but there was nothing they could do. They brought him to us and we held him and sang to him as he passed away. We had never even heard of Strep B (also called Group B Strep) until it took our sweet baby boy from us. I still hurt...some days a lot and somedays not so much. There are few memories of him alive and not many pictures as he only lived 18 hours. I bless the nurses for the pictures they took and the compassion they showed, but sometimes still don't understand.

We had wonderful counselors in the hospital and tremendous support from our neighbors and friends and our marriage survived and eventually thrived after our loss. We knew we had to pull together or be torn apart, though some days it was tooooooo hard to put the idea into action.

We have had 2 beautiful daughters since...one just 12 1/2 months later and they are the light of our lives. They are wonderful girls and we are very thankful, but still find ourselves wondering "what if". That's my story...15 years after loss, he was still my baby and I still long to hold him and wonder what he would have been...football player or artist? Caring soul or honery stinker? Would he look like me or favor his dad? Thanks for listening!

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3/22/10 12:14 P

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emoticon Dee,
It is always good to talk with people who know how you are feeling and have experienced the same thing. I pray that you receive strength and courage. If there is anything we can do don't hesitate to post, someone is always close by.
Sabrina emoticon


(`.)
`. ( `.)
(`.) . ~~Sabrina~~
`..


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JIM1MICHAEL2's Photo JIM1MICHAEL2 Posts: 3,142
3/17/10 7:41 P

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Hi, Dee. First, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Our lives will never again be the same but they can be good again - the 'new normal' they talk about. I have to work at it everyday.

Keep in touch; this is a great, supportive group.

emoticon from margi.

_______________________
margi
Michael's Mom
12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
- Exodus 25:30

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
- Jean Paul Richter
_____________________



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DMW140 Posts: 1
3/17/10 7:36 P

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Hi I'm Dee. My angel went on her heavenly flight in September of 2006. She passed away one week before her 20th birthday. She suffered from seizures from the age of three and half. One week before her death she suffered a seizure that could not be stopped medically. Her last week was spent on life support due to the severe brain damage from the seizure. The time has gone by so quickly and she is missed so much. She was the happiest sweetest young lady ever. I know she is in a better place and never will suffer again like she did for sixteen year. I have gained thirty pounds since she left us and have got to take care of myself again. I enjoy my grandchildren and want to be healthy for me and them. I know I will never get over my daughter's loss but with God I will get through it.

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3/7/10 11:24 A

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Hi Margie,
I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome to the team. You will love Spark People and the support you will find here.
Mary Kay
emoticon

We are not old until regrets start taking the place of dreams.
Anonymous


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3/7/10 10:23 A

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My name is margi. I have an older, wonderful son Jim. My second son Michael was born when Jim was just 4 yo. It had been a normal pregnancy, I thought. At 11 wks, I found Michael dead in his crib. (SIDS) Because of extreme colic, I was exhausted from taking care of him. After the funeral, my marriage was pretty much over. My husband and I didn't grieve the same way. Tho I accepted his silence about Michael, he wasn't up to accepting my form of grief. Which was crying, anger, staying in bed, being short with our son Jim. Over the years, there was the divorce, a remarriage and another divorce. After 14 years, I finally submitted to therapy - with the best luck to have found a wonderful therapist. I was with him for over 3 years, sometimes 7 days a week. During one of our sessions, I stopped the conversation and asked him, "Is there a chance I suffocated Michael?" He said "Yes, Margi. There is." I asked why he hadn't told me. He replied it was something I had to discover on my own. He helped me with alot of things but I soon learned that the deep grief and guilt were still there. In 2000, living in Tampa FL, I found a new therapist, Deb. I don't understand the technique she used but, after going to her office with the grayish face she'd ever seen, I came out of there with a weight off my shoulders; I accepted that I had been the best Mom I could have been at that time. Both therapists assured me over and over that they didn't think I was capable of hurting Michael. But not knowing for sure was something I'd have to live with. I don't think about it as often now. My son Jim, who's 41 now, is wonderful and such a support for me; in fact, my only family support. We talk about where Michael would have been in his life; going to kindergarten, graduating, what would he have been. Jim jokingly says that maybe Michael, who would have been 37 by now, would probably have beat his Big Brother to giving me grandchildren. I miss him so much. I'm on my own now, again, and have so much time to think. My sensitivity to death is just below the first layer of my skin and in the front of my mind. I attend calling hours for my friends and family as I know how much it meant to me when it was my time. I'm estranged from my 4 sisters now; the oldest because I don't think she realizes how after all these years, I can still be in the shape I'm in. I'm the only one in our family to have lost a child. It's hard to understand unless you've been through it. I'm still on antidepressants and anxiety meds. Partly because of what my life handed me and partly because of the major/chemical depression. I look forward to reading others' entries on my new Spark Team. margi. Michael's Mom, 12/6/72 - 2/23/73 emoticon

_______________________
margi
Michael's Mom
12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
- Exodus 25:30

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
- Jean Paul Richter
_____________________



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2/28/10 7:45 A

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Hi Carol,
Welcome to the team and best of luck at reaching all your goals.
Mary Kay

We are not old until regrets start taking the place of dreams.
Anonymous


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2/28/10 6:54 A

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Hello Everyone, my name is Carol. I have four fantastic children (aged 26, 23, 17 and 13)and two angels, I lost my first child within the first trimester of pregnancy and we lost our son Dubhglas Gregor,(Douglas) in 1994. He was born on 14th December and died on 20th December 1994. He had congenital heart defects and a diaphragmatic hernia, which were undetected until birth at 42 weeks. My Mum who has MS, and unable to look after our other children was with me during labour as my husband stayed with our children. The midwife examined Dubhglas after he was born and found that he had only two blood vestles in his umbilical cord instead of three, but it was so close to Christmas that there were no clinics to take him to, to be examined properly. I was allowed to take him home and he fed really well and all seemed to be wonderful. By the third day he began to have funny noises in his chest like popping noises and began to get very blue. The midwife thought he might have a chest infection and we had to take him to hospital again to be examined as an emergency. After being examined by the paediatrician he was diagnosed and it was decided that he should go to Alderhey children's hospital. After special xrays and examinations they told us there was nothing they could do for him and that the chance of getting a donor heart was minimal at such a critical point. My husband and I were just completely numb for a very long time and our so called friends crossed the street to avoid us as they didn't know how to cope with it never mind how we ourselves couldn't cope! This was the true beginning of our weight problems which has lasted until last September when I got very ill due to my Gallbladder packing in! Since then both my husband and I have lost a considerable amount of weight but.. this wake up call said...hey! you need to be here for your other children!! I'm sure that something would have happened to shake us up eventually... but for the last 15 years we have survived and not lived! Being there for our other children and not caring for ourselves. I am so grateful to find this team. I feel that I can be among folks who finally understand what we have and are still going through. I don't think that there will ever be a day that we don't think of our wee angel. Love and hugs to you and your angels! Carol. xx

Being true to myself at last!


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PKELLAM's Photo PKELLAM Posts: 678
2/26/10 10:41 A

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Welcome Tara & Jessie. I'm very sorry for each of your losses but glad you found this group.

Sending Peace..

Penny - Sean's Mom
12/10/83-12/28/05

Penny

Leader: Unexpected Angels
Co - Leader: Half Marathon & Breast Cancer Walk Teams

2011 Races
~ 3/11 St Pat's Dash
~ 4/11 Tulip Run
~ 6/11 Seattle RnR HM
~ 7/11 Ragnar Northwest Passage Relay
~ 8/11 Hood to Coast
~ 10/11 Girlfriends HM

2010 Race Results
2:38:21 Girlfriends HM 10/17/10
2:39:51 Seattle RnR HM 6/25/10
28:24 Race for the Cure (5K) 6/6/10
2:41:15 Race for the Roses HM 4/10/10

2009 Race Results

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2/25/10 8:37 P

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Welcome Tara. A big hug to you. May you find peace and lots of support here. It's quite a journey but you will get through it.

We are not old until regrets start taking the place of dreams.
Anonymous


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2/25/10 8:32 P

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Hello everyone. My name is Tara and I am twenty six years old. I have a four year old boy, and a girl that will be three soon. Last June I had a baby girl, Maddison. She was a few eeks early, but not too small and seemingly healthy. After two very long and hard months Maddison began to grow and blossom. she was huge and happy. On December 4th she died in her sleep. Life is hard now, but I am trying to keep my head up for my other two children, we will always miss our angel...

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2/15/10 9:04 P

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Welcome Jessie. I'm so sorry for your loss. You will find a lot of support here. May God hold you close on your journey through grief. emoticon

We are not old until regrets start taking the place of dreams.
Anonymous


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SCTHCKCHCK's Photo SCTHCKCHCK Posts: 52
2/15/10 8:53 P

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My name is Jessie.. After 4.5 years of trying to get pregnant I was finally able to last march.. Everything was perfect until 1 day shy of 26 weeks.. On July 31st I had a placental abruption and went into labor. My baby girl Bristol Reese was born at 6:30 am and lived roughly 45 mins.. She weighed right at a pound but the doctors said she was too small to try to save.. I have my doubts about this.. That july morning my world and heart shattered. I only got to hold her for a short time and I was so distraught that I dont really remember much about it which tears me up inside. She was perfect. Not a thing wrong with her other than being too early. It breaks my heart everyday. My husband and I built a wooden box to keep her ashes, blanket, bracelet, etc in. We keep in on a table in our hallway with a picture of her that my husband had enough mind to take. I dont know how I will ever heal from losing her but I am trying everyday to keep going.

I know I can do this. I just have to prove it to myself and everybody else!


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1/31/10 11:47 A

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emoticon to you Diane. Thank you for sharing. God bless.
Mary Kay

We are not old until regrets start taking the place of dreams.
Anonymous


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BUTTERFLYSONGS's Photo BUTTERFLYSONGS Posts: 5,395
1/30/10 10:23 P

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My name is Diane and I lost my daughter, Larissa, almost ten years ago. There are days that it seems like only yesterday.....My eleven- year- old daughter was taken from this earth on July 31, 2000. God needed my flower in his garden above. He needed her fragile, lavender petals scattered among the pureness of the daisies in the meadows of Heaven. He needed her delicate fragrance intermingled within the scent of his love, and I am sure that her aroma is even more beautiful in Heaven, than the scent that she left behind, forever woven through my being.

Early in the day, before she passed, her eight- year-old brother was brought into the hospital room to whisper to her his goodbyes. I had no idea what I would say to my son. I had no idea just how much he could comprehend. But just as he was leaving the room he said, Mommy, its okay. When Larissa goes to Heaven her wings will hold her up, and she wont fall down and skin her knees anymore. As the tears slowly slid down my check, I knew that he was right, and I knew that he understood far more than I imagined.

Larissa had suffered from a malignant brain tumor, and the disease has stolen her ability to walk on her own. Being the determined child that she was, she still tried, and was forever falling down and skinning her knees. Not only would she not skin her knees anymore, but she would run through those meadows among the daisy, leaving her scent, so that when those she loved arrived in Heaven, shed be easy to find.
emoticon emoticon

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. ~Maya Angelou





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SHANNONFOWLER's Photo SHANNONFOWLER Posts: 265
1/25/10 12:43 P

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Erika i my-self share your pain, My daughter passed wawy not 12 mths since and i thought i would loose it, Thinking i wanted to be with my daughter and why didnt God take me instead of my Daughter, I had to carry on for the sake of my other kids, My daughter died of a LONG Q T SYNDROME, which affects the heart so my other kids are like a time bomb ready to go of, I have to get them tested every 6 mths, The Sparkspeople site as helped me very much and i hope it helps you and welcome to the site, Chin up and keep smiling.x

I will take controll over my body and lose the weight and then when i ever see my youngest daughter,s dad i will just walk right past and smile, I had his only Daughter and because i put abit on when she was born he left me saying i dont do fat woman and he as not even sin his daughter since she was 18mths old, She is now 5yr and 4mths, Well its his loss not mine.


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1/24/10 7:24 P

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Hi Erica. I understand the weight gain from the hospital stay too. I am so sorry for your loss.
emoticon

We are not old until regrets start taking the place of dreams.
Anonymous


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1/24/10 2:01 P

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Erika, thanks for sharing we all have different journeys but I think our pain is the same in the end. Welcome to Sparkpeople, you will find lots of help on your new journey to becoming healthier.
emoticon

emoticon


(`.)
`. ( `.)
(`.) . ~~Sabrina~~
`..


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BLUSHY4U's Photo BLUSHY4U Posts: 24
1/23/10 8:19 P

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Hi my name is Erika. I am a wife & a mom of 3. I also work full time & take college classes. My life is pretty full. I didn't use to be this busy but I feel I have too be to stay sane. April 14th 2005 my daughter Elizabeth passed away. We used to be the perfect family. Our lives changed in June 2004 when I took my daughter in to have her 7th grade physical. We found out that her blood levels where extremely low & she had to be admitted to the hospital that day. It took 10 days for the Doctors to figure out what was going on with Elizabeth. Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS)is what they found out she had. My daughter was the first patient they ever had at Kaiser in Fontana, Ca to have MDS. We were sent to Bethesda, Maryland to NIH for treatment but it didn't help. The next step was to have a bone marrow transplant. Lizzy had to go to City of Hope for the BMT. She started chemo in December to prepare for the transplant. Jan 7th 2005 she had the transplant. Everything seemed to be going well. She was sick but that was expected. In March she started to show signs of Graft vs Host disease. (her body was fighting the new marrow). After that was finally settling down we thought everything was going to be ok but then she ended up having fungal pneumonia. The doctors put her on a ventilator and said she was going to die that night. She lived for a week then we had to say goodbye. I miss her terribly. Through the 10 months she was in the hospital I packed on tons of weight. I wasn't skinny before this all started but I was ok. I gained about 50lbs while staying in the hospital with my little girl. It has been almost 5 yrs since she has been gone and I really need to get busy on myself. I want to feel better & look better. Please help me.

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.

Maya Angelou


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1/22/10 12:56 P

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Unless you have lost a child you have no idea. emoticon



(`.)
`. ( `.)
(`.) . ~~Sabrina~~
`..


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1/22/10 12:51 P

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Thank you so much for replying to my post. This is the first time I have ever thought about reaching out to connect with other people who have experienced the loss of a child/children. Everyone always tells me that it gets easier but so far it still feels like the same big hole. I am really looking forward to this new journey.

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PKELLAM's Photo PKELLAM Posts: 678
1/22/10 12:09 P

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Welcome and thank you for introducing yourself and your beautiful son.

Penny

Leader: Unexpected Angels
Co - Leader: Half Marathon & Breast Cancer Walk Teams

2011 Races
~ 3/11 St Pat's Dash
~ 4/11 Tulip Run
~ 6/11 Seattle RnR HM
~ 7/11 Ragnar Northwest Passage Relay
~ 8/11 Hood to Coast
~ 10/11 Girlfriends HM

2010 Race Results
2:38:21 Girlfriends HM 10/17/10
2:39:51 Seattle RnR HM 6/25/10
28:24 Race for the Cure (5K) 6/6/10
2:41:15 Race for the Roses HM 4/10/10

2009 Race Results

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1/22/10 10:36 A

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I was reading an article on grief and losing a child and it said that it can take up to 10 years to recover from the loss of a child. I will tell you it has been 9 years for me and I don't think I will ever recover. I survive and go on, but it will never be the same. People call it the new normal. It must be difficult to see your nephew and all the milestones. Remember you are strong and you know you can get through anything you put your mind to. Good luck on your journey to healthy living. emoticon


(`.)
`. ( `.)
(`.) . ~~Sabrina~~
`..


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1/22/10 10:05 A

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Hello. My little angel was born January 18, 1998. He was pre-term, I was only 24 weeks into my pregnancy. John Kylee Harper lived for 17 days. I cherish each and every moment that I got to share with him. I have been unable to get pregnant again. My nephew was born two days after my son and at each milestone I always wonder what we would be experiencing together. It was 12 years this past Monday and it still feels like it was yesterday.

In the past the grief has almost overwhelmed me. I feel like recently is the first time I am really facing it and trying to let myself "feel" again.

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SHANNONFOWLER's Photo SHANNONFOWLER Posts: 265
10/9/09 9:03 A

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Hi there Thank you for the Message, I know your right but at the moment i just feel as im never going to feel different, I just feel guilty as ive lived my life and my Daughter was just starting her,s.x

I will take controll over my body and lose the weight and then when i ever see my youngest daughter,s dad i will just walk right past and smile, I had his only Daughter and because i put abit on when she was born he left me saying i dont do fat woman and he as not even sin his daughter since she was 18mths old, She is now 5yr and 4mths, Well its his loss not mine.


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10/8/09 3:29 P

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Grief such a strange concept... So different for everyone and yet so devastating. One day you can be fine and then the next day your world is in turmoil again. Take each day as it comes, It will be 9 years since my Katie has been gone and Grief to this day can take my breath away. Courage, Strength, Peace, I pray we all get through our journey one day and sometimes one minute at a time. emoticon


(`.)
`. ( `.)
(`.) . ~~Sabrina~~
`..


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SHANNONFOWLER's Photo SHANNONFOWLER Posts: 265
10/7/09 2:56 P

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Hi there all Angels,
Well im Sue and here is my story,
My Daughter was my first little girl and when she was born she ment the world to me, I would have done everything for her, I loved her from the moment she moved in my stomach, To cut a long story shorter, She was growing up to be a kind, Lovely girl but she was more of a tom boy like me really, not a girly, girl anyway i went on to have more childern, Vikki o sorry that was my Daughters name, Well Victoria Louise really but she hated Victoria, Well she grew up and got herself a job, Moved out and met her fella of her dream,s, She was very much in love, After a couple of yrs she fell Pregnant, She was 21yrs old everything was great the baby was fine and moving like she did when i was carrying her untill 1 day the Baby was moving more than normal she was 33wks having a little girl, She went to bed for a rest and fell asleep but that was that she NEVER woke up and because her fella thought she was asleep i lost them both, That was in Feb of this yr, I buried her in March saw im new to all this, I thought id done my greifing but i dont think i really did at frist greif, Now my feelings are strange, I dont want to do anything, cant stop crying and thinking about her and my Grandaughter, Ive never felt this way before, I just feel as if i want to be with my Baby Girl. Well we are all in the same boat here so Keep thinking postive.x

I will take controll over my body and lose the weight and then when i ever see my youngest daughter,s dad i will just walk right past and smile, I had his only Daughter and because i put abit on when she was born he left me saying i dont do fat woman and he as not even sin his daughter since she was 18mths old, She is now 5yr and 4mths, Well its his loss not mine.


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9/28/09 7:54 P

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Hi my name is misty i've been dealing the death of my peanut for 4 years here is my story. on july 30 my peanut was born nicklos austin lee he was a sick baby from the day he was born nick was ill doctors could not figure out what was wrong around his 2nd brithday he got a cold he was still sick at holloween docs finally decide to start testing him on halloween day my peanut was diagonsed with lukemia (all) he was a little fighter for 2 years he went through chemo and stayed in remission june of 2004 he relapsed the cancer went into his bones started treatment again hard. the doctors informed me that the only way he could or might make it was to have a bone marroew transplant so we did dec 22 2004 he did ok for 1wk than went into kidney and liver failure on feb 9 2005 he passed away. i deal with this everyday on my own my husband hs only been in my life for 3 1/2 years its hard for him to understand because his kids are grown and live on there own he is helping me raise my 2 boys now. god bless all and grief is only as hard as you let it be. thats how i deal i remember the good things about him everyday

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KESTRELROSE's Photo KESTRELROSE Posts: 134
9/3/09 2:29 P

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Debbie, I am so sorry. Your daughter was just 37. A beautiful age.

My heart goes out to you just as it goes out to my daughter.



Helen

God has created us to love and to be loved and this is the beginning of prayer -- to know that He loves me, to know that I have been created for greater things.- Blessed Mother Teresa

www.rachelsvineyard.org

may the unborn child dance in the sunlight



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MSTWOMOONS002's Photo MSTWOMOONS002 Posts: 1,013
8/26/09 5:59 P

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Hi Angel Friends;

My name is Debby, now my angel is my first born daughter Sharon. 3/30/72--6/9/09 My beautiful daughter died from a massive heartattack. It was all so final, so fast. Though it's been almost 12 weeks now. I still expect to hear her call me on the phone, I hear her in my head at times and know she's instant messaging me.

I know where she is, she is better healthy & whole. I just miss her so very much she was more than just my daughter, she was my best friend.

I've been told to get on with living, I'm trying each day is a new beginning, so baby steps. I've been told to think of my daughter as on vacation and I'll see her when my time comes. Sorry that doesnt' work for me. I've had near death experiences and I know she's just in another rhelm.

I have been looking for a support group but everything in my area is a pay as you go, I'm on a small social security allotment each month and money is so tight affording therapy is not an option right now. I've written about my feelings on my spark page in my blogs. I write as I feel as I talk in the moment.

Thank you for the warm welcome to the group I hope to be able to add some positive viewpoints.

Many Blessings Always Debby emoticon

May you find peace, grace joy & love inside each day.

Love Unconditionally, Believe Wholeheartedly, Trust Yourself & Your choices, Love Yourself so then you can love others..

Love survives Eternity.

We are ripples in God's Pond.

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe." - John Muir


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KESTRELROSE's Photo KESTRELROSE Posts: 134
7/31/09 7:09 P

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Just two weeks ago my beautiful granddaughter Danielle was killed in a car accident.

I don't know how to help my daughter and I don't know how to grieve for myself.

She was a perfect, beautiful innocent 7 year old girl.



Helen

God has created us to love and to be loved and this is the beginning of prayer -- to know that He loves me, to know that I have been created for greater things.- Blessed Mother Teresa

www.rachelsvineyard.org

may the unborn child dance in the sunlight



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MLW1217 Posts: 3
7/1/09 10:07 A

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Hi, my name is Michelle (mlw1217). I am 56 years old and I live in Florida. My 34 year old daughter, Karen, died suddenly on March 25th of this year leaving me and my husband with her two young sons, ages 3 1/2 and 2. She was my precious baby girl and I miss her so much. We were so close. It's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other and move, but I have no choice. My grandsons need me.

I have been a Weight Watcher since September of 2006 and I have lost 60 pounds, but I have put 15 back on since the day of Karen's funeral. I just haven't had the energy or the desire to follow a plan or 'stay on program'. Weight Watchers was something that my daughter and I did together and I haven't been able to face going to a meeting and weighing in without her. But, I know that I need to be healthy and, probably for many reasons, I am not feeling very healthy right now. I am so sad, also angry. Grief counseling starts this week and I know that the whole family can benefit from it.

I am also looking for others who can understand my plight. Together we can make it through.



ANGEL114 Posts: 6
6/29/09 6:42 P

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Hi, I'm Cheryl (Angel 114) age 52. I am remarried to a wonderful man who has gone through tremendous trials with me. I have a daughter, Melissa, who is 27 and my daughter Jill went to heaven at age 21, dying instantly in a fatal car crash going back to college on Thanksgiving weekend. It will be 4 years this coming Thanksgiving. I have gone back and forth through this trauma and so has my weight. I finally did a full clean out of her room in February and I haven't fully recovered and can't seem to get motivated. Thought this website would help but so far I just read. I am clearly depressed and I do receive help for it. I need connection with people who understand my plight.

If anyone could help I would be grateful.

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