Hi there and welcome.
Oh good (: you have your real name here , Trevor, I like that. I was NOT going to call you fatn43. That would make me fatn49 as of yesterday ):
From what you have told me our lives in some ways are very similar. I am a female though. I started having episodes of depression and anxiety as young as 4. Possibly younger. Yes I do remember, just didn't know what was wrong with me. OH those panic attacks. Mine went to full blown when I was about 17. As time went by they got worse, they do if you are not treated. I don't know if you are in any treatment or on any meds. Before I got married I went for therapy to make sure everything was going to be okay. "Don't try this folks it didn't work" I think I had a gut feeling but didn't recognize it. Now I don't miss any. I whispered my vows, I was so terrified. It was in our apartment. I didn't realize this was going to be hard for me. I will try not to stray too far off subject. Okay some depression, some anxiety, marriage. Then severe agorophobia (Almost impossible to go out of the house, or anywhere) I realy didn't know what was going on?? We had a 2 family house. If you have seen movies like Pacific Heights with Michael Keaton, we had tenants like he played in the movie.
I finally called my doctor and told him I can't sleep/eat etc. (still happens once in a while). He gave me something to calm me down. I met with a therapist for a few years. We sold that house and bought a single family. I didn't understand , it was still awful, and I still could barely function. I was 23 then. By talking about it right now I am very anxious. There is a reason. I may be getting divorced. My choice, after almost 26 years. Very long and not a pleasant story. OH almost 18 years ago I had my son. Now my husband used to sometimes snap at me. I didn't understand it. He is the one that begged for us to have a baby. He got jealous ):
???? His little temper has over the years turned to severe rage. He told me he was going to kill me last week. There is a reason I am telling you this Trevor. Do you know that gut feeling? Or the one in your heart, or the one that makes you feel sick . Or the feeling you have to GET OUT of THERE right now???
It is one of 2 things.
1. Something caused fear in you, lets say in a movie theatre. Maybe you were with someone that was a bit loud and you felt uncomfortable. Instead of realizing it was the person you were with, you assume you can't go to theaters any more. This was one of mine. Took a few years to figure it out. It was an x-boyfriend. He was just ahhhhhhhhh in so many ways. I didn't like to be seen with him in public. Why did I stay with him? I didn't want to be alone. It took me several years and lots of very good therapy and meds to figure that one out.
The panic attacks won't go away on their own.
But they can (trust me, please believe me) be understood. If you understand a certain reaction you are having, or if you think it's (out there), it's probably right inside of you. I went through a program right after I had my son (boy was I terrified of that one!!!) It was made or invented with college psych students and psychiatrists, Social Workers etc. It was a 10 week program. I thought how can they help me, I have been this way my whole life. I bet you think your crazy sometimes? part of it. Anyway this program I went through in 93, saved my life. It was so simple. I don't remember the name. you don't have to go and fly in a plane if your terrified of them. not that stuff. You learn why you are feeling the way you are in different situations. An one usually finds out it is something so remotely connected with where you are. What do you do then? I remember the girl I saw. She said to me, when I told her certain things that set me off to think/write down "What is the worse that can happen" You start with the bad stuff, and think so what, and keep going down that thought or situation. Ex; I am a dental phobic. Take one of your fears and start tearing it apart. It ended up that the worse that could happen is, I tell the fool to stop. I have too. I have walked out because one didn't believe the novacane didn't work.
Do you kind of understand it? Right now my anxiety levels are down from an 8 when I first started writing this to a 4. Whether the trigger is real or imagined there is hope. SORRY FOR THE EXTREME LENGTH EVERYONE. Trevor, you have lost a lot of weight. Are you proud of yourself? I sure as heck am!!!
Try to remember when the first twinges of panic/anxiety started. If you want to. I just don't want anyone to have to fight this alone like I did.
I wasn't believed by most. I hope you can get out some? Hope to talk to you later.
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