I'm recovery from anorexia, purge type (bulimia).
This is a saying in the eating disorder community:
"Genetics loads the gun and environment pulls the trigger"
My suggestion is to also seek out counseling at your university. I go to therapy every 2 weeks, see multiple specialists (due to permanent damage), and attend nutritional counseling.
It's VERY important to get a diagnosis because people with eds have high rates of Comorbidity( they meet the criteria for other mental illnesses)
There are some thoughts/behaviors that you mentioned that could suggest that it might not be just anorexia/bulimia.
Here's how my ed made me feel:
It made me feel numb, I didn't seek help because I wanted to look unattractive, and I kept everyone at a distance. I didn't do it to look like a Victoria secrets model (they have curves and that terrified me.) I kept everything bottled up, was a people pleaser, the one that everyone could depend on.
I pleased everyone so that they could leave me alone to self-destruct.
My experience and reasons to reject help are different than yours, but I can still relate to wanting to get help and being terrified of gaining the weight.
On the surface, it might seem like you are doing this to avoid being alone, to get back at people, or to feel attractive but it's not.
It's been over a month so you still have insight and a willingness to change. It gets so much harder to fully assess the damage and to change after a couple of months or years.
For some people (like me) the ed becomes their identity and they don't know any other way to be.
There is nothing that you have done yet that can't be undone.
Here's a good link: www.something-fishy.org/
That site has a message board (that is moderated) click on the right side of the page to join:
EATING DISORDERS FORUMS ALWAYS OPEN
FOR: PEOPLE WITH AN ED
Edited by: AILEBBELIA at: 12/25/2012 (14:40)
I have faced it. Having tasted, a life wasted. Oh, I erased it, I'm NEVER going back again- E. Vedder
1/20/10 Weight Restored from 90-109 pounds.
| current weight: 100.0