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Disturbed Adult Child affecting Me Adversely



 
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DORIE53
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4/17/14 10:07 A

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Our daughter has been away at the job training for 8 days and called last night that she wants to leave. Husb said he knew she'd do that. I hoped she'd stay. He promised her a trip to Vegas if she graduated, knowing he'd never have to pay up. He said he'll drive to another state to pick her up. I told him that's enabling her. Let her take a bus and think about this mistake. Have to carry on and not let it affect my eating. Lost 8.5 lb my first month back from AZ so that is a positive.



DORIE53
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4/12/14 10:11 P

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No, I did not take offense. We all have to do what is right for us. I'm feeling good about how things are at the moment.



MOBBWBEAUTY
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4/9/14 11:46 A

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Hi Dorie53, Well that is some good news about your daughter I hope that things work out to help her get on track. I Hope I did not offend you in any way that was definitely not what I wanted to do. I am praying for you that your situation gets resolved with both of your children in a positive way. I think you did the right thing with both the daughter and the son. If you can sell what I bought you then obviously you can figure out your own way... I hope my son does get a job, but he still will have to move. That is not an option. It is time to get responsible and I don't mean to say he would never be able to come stay with me again, but it will be a min. of 6 months to a year before I would even consider it, and then only depending on how he has been doing while he has been out. I have a 3 year old now to raise and I do not want her growing up watching a lazy man lounging around while we women have to be hard at work, care for a family, get our educations etc... I want him to be a positive male influence in her life not a negative one. As of right now all his priorities are in the wrong place, but real life I hope will fix that for him. I have raised him, now it is time for him to raise himself.... Good luck you you and your family. take care

The only thing i want to see on me for life, is a smaller waistline...lbvs


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DORIE53
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4/7/14 10:49 P

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Thanks gals for your input. Our daughter left today, on good terms it felt. She went to Job Corps. I hope she will stick with it. She was in it a couple years ago & quit. Was so grateful they took her back. She wants to learn the trade of Pharmacy Intern and I am anxious because the paperwork said a failed UA on arrival will eliminate the chance of her going to that program. She was smoking marijuana the past couple weeks & read online that if you take Midol and some 'cleanse program' you can beat the drug test. She bought a home drug test and showed me she passed it. The one Job Corps gives her may be more sophisticated but I'm hoping for the best. I know if they kick her out, she'll be back home with us.

Our other child, I did practice Tough Love with. We bought him a brand new car & he sold it to pay his rent. Blew the money in 6 weeks & asked to move back in with us. I said no & he never spoke to us again. It's been 3 years since he spoke to us. Won't even speak to his sister. So I know husband will take daughter back & let her get away with anything rather than lose both of them.

I hope your son shapes up by June & gets a job. I read in Parade Magazine in Sunday paper than 4 out of 10 Millennials end up living with their parents. I don't mind having an adult child live at home as long as they work & help out. My husb & I are retired but we are working at night cleaning offices for extra money. Asked husb 'what is wrong with this picture' when we went to clean Sunday while daughter went out to breakfast with friends yesterday. We are Baby Boomers & tried to spare our kids pain but found out it was painful for them to even work!

Thank you for your emotional support. I appreciate it. Today was good.



MOBBWBEAUTY
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4/6/14 11:03 A

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Dorie53, Please understand you are not alone in trying to deal with a difficult adult child. Hearing your story makes me appreciate the simpleness of the situation I am going through with my own adult children as well, especially my 21 y.o. son... Your situation makes mine sound like a cake walk, yet it for me is equally distressing while going through it. I feel...Not only is your husband an enabler, but to an extent so are you...or at least in some ways..I say that because I had to realize that in my situation with my adult son I have also enabled him to be the slacker he has unfortunately turned into. At some point though WE have to toughen up. I know how difficult it is to have to practice tough love against your own children, because everything in me as a parent screams against the idea of putting my son out of my home, yet that is EXACTLY what I am doing at the end of June. I have given him advance warning to know it is coming so he has time to find a job, suitable place to live etc. (if he chooses to do so) If not that will be his problem as of the end of June. I love my 3 children dearly, I have 2 adult children 26-21, and one 3 year old... yeah.... i have a daughter who moved to Arizona a year ago for a career opportunity, and am proud that she is a go getter..Until the last few years I always considered myself a good mom. Disrespect was NEVER tolerated on any level, yet the last 3 year with my 21 year old has been a stressful nightmare, due to his lack of motivation. We are both in counselling(seperately) but that is still not going to allow a grown up to live under my roof, rent free, and be continually disrespectful, unhelpful (majority of the time), and unemployed. I have a problem with watching a grown man sleep in while I go out busting my butt to provide and keep a roof over our heads, so it is time for him to have to figure that out by having to provide it for himself... you may not be able to control a grown up but you do not have to alllow any adult (husband included) to make you the scapegoat... You have every right to expect that your daugther will respect you or GET OUT!!! If you come out weak to them they will walk over you, which is what it sounds like is happening... I am sorry to hear you are going through this and pray that it gets better for you and you are doing the right thing contrary to what you husband thinks, by standing your ground in saying she needs to be gone , but do not compromise your home to be disrespected EVER by her or the hubby... Praying things get better on your end... feel free to message me if you need a shoulder...

The only thing i want to see on me for life, is a smaller waistline...lbvs


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FUNNYGIRLJESS
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4/5/14 9:49 A

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sorry to hear about this struggle.

I moved back in with my parents after graduating college 10 years ago, and not being able to find a job...not even part time!
My parents did not understand and had NO patience for me and my "moods".
I was kicked out for not doing household chores.
I don't want to give you advice, but all I can say is...you are MOM FIRST...as long as she knows you love her, she will never resent you!
everything else is just life

emoticon
take care of yourself!




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DORIE53
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4/3/14 11:03 A

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Yes, I have gone to counseling many times. There must be some good therapists but I have not run into them. The first one I went to at 14 told me I should be ashamed I was upsetting my mother, I was an actress pretending to be depressed, and he would take me to a psych hospital to see what real depressed people looked like. I am 61 now. We moved to a different state in 2006 to make a new start. Since here I went to a therapist who was going to tap on my knees to get my brain to go from left brain to right brain thinking. After weeks of sessions, he only tapped twice & I told him this is ridiculous, it isn't doing anything, I quit. I was working in a call center, under enormous stress, taking 5 psych meds & the prescriber sent me to this 'therapist' who I prefer to call a charlatan. My med provider (ARNP) sent me to a counselor who spent the entire hour going over payment & talking about herself & gave me a list of things to do to not be depressed (ie take a bubble bath, etc). She then emailed me a few weeks later & asked why I never came back & said I didn't pay my co-pay. I DID pay my co-pay & sent her the check # & told her why I never came back. A few months later I got an email from her that she was in a foreign country traveling & had her purse stolen & could I send her some money! I feel this was so unprofessional that she should be reported to some State Board. She should be dis-barred from the counseling profession. The state I moved to (Idaho) is poor & backward & has little resources & there probably would be no action against her.

But, back to my adult daughter, who also has mental health issues I passed on. After our big blow up she returned home after about 9 days in the state we moved from. She is supposedly going to a job training program but the literature says a failed drug test will disqualify her from the program. She smoked dope in our home state & bought some kit to help her pass the drug test supposedly. We don't expect her to make it to the training program. Today there was an outgoing letter in our mailbox to her ex-boyfriend & we feel she is going to go back to him. I was taking out the garbage & only wanted to make sure our mail lady didn't leave the flag up again. He is supposedly getting a job in the oilfields of ND. They broke up but she still loves him. I can NOT accept him into our family. Have not eaten over it but he had sex with every one of her friends, his father is in prison, he left her with a bad truck loan (had her co-sign, gave up the vehicle, & stuck her with the payments), his mother is a former crack addict on welfare, she has 7 kids from all different men, the last 3 from someone she wasn't married to, he has been arrested before & our daughter called the cops on him because he was breaking everything in their apt. He also started bashing up his $300 previous vehicle. I know I can't do a thing about any of this. It doesn't even sound true but it is. Our family is its own 'SCANDAL' show. When I gave birth to my daughter 22 years ago I never in my wildest dreams imagined she would turn out like this. Never able to hold a job, bipolar tongue lashings from her, piercing her real tongue, moving in and out of our house & lives, causing havoc & a wedge in our marriage.

Yes, I would like therapy. I would like live-in therapy to get over all this internal pain. But I have learned not to trust any one or any thing. I take my antidepressants, am eating healthy, am exercising as best I can at this weight & cleaning offices at night, and just trying to hang on. Guess this ended up being a blog, which makes me sad. I feel this world has become too Self Centered. Everyone is into their Selfies & their Blogs and no one seems to care about others. I do care about others...feel horrible about the Ft. Hood murders. Every time someone kills themself I mourn because I know how it feels to be that depressed....from Speedy Peterson (skiier) to L'Wren (fashion designer). There are a lot of bad counselors out there. I hope you who suggest them have found better ones than I have.



ROJODULCE
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3/30/14 8:48 A

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SABANS_MOMMY is right on. Your children are grown, and have made their own decisions that have helped make them who they are.

Having said that, here is my 2 cents: Have you considered going to therapy on your own? If your husband won't do it, that is up to him, but hopefully there is nothing stopping you from going. It may help you to make decisions that are helpful for YOU and your well-being. You do not deserve to be miserable just because everyone else chooses to be.

I hope things turn around for you, for the better.



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DORIE53
DORIE53's Photo SparkPoints: (3,278)
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3/27/14 10:11 P

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Husb won't consider family counselling. We went 31 years ago & he didn't like it then, nothing changed. Therapist asked him how his dad showed his mom she was loved. His answer 'he showed up every night.' We all know there's more to marriage than that. Showing up but being emotionally vacant doesn't do a bit of good.



IVYLASS
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3/24/14 1:18 P

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Have you thought of family counseling?

One stumble does not a failure make.

Everything in moderation.


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DORIE53
DORIE53's Photo SparkPoints: (3,278)
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3/23/14 11:15 P

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Thank you for your comments. Yes, I know husb enables her. He knows it too. Tells me we lost a son already (with tough love) and doesn't want to lose our daughter too. He did nothing to stand up for me. Never told her not to tell me to 'F off'. She drove off and supposedly told him she was leaving for another state two days ago. Didn't call him that she got there. I feel relieved that she is out of our home but sad that I have no daughter now. It's my birthday this week & life feels pretty empty. Husb won't consider family counselling. We went 31 years ago & he didn't like it then, nothing changed. Therapist asked him how his dad showed his mom she was loved. His answer 'he showed up every night.' We all know there's more to marriage than that. Showing up but being emotionally vacant doesn't do a bit of good. Got 4 hours of hard exercise today though. Can hardly walk, sore muscles.



LMIDDLETON120
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3/23/14 2:05 P

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I myself don't have adult children yet (only 6 and 4) but I have a sister that is an alcoholic and have seen my mother have to struggle with it.

I think your husband is enabling her. You should have a standard of respect she shows you. And if she is living in your home, you have every right to except her to be decent and respectful to you, your husband, and your home.

My other siblings and I all had told my mother she needed to show my sister tough love and expect her to hold her own. It is one thing to "help" your children, it is completely another thing to "help them to the point it hurts them.

I would recommend family therapy if she chooses to stay there with you. If she is not willing to show you, your husband, and your home respect then you should be willing to hold her accountable.

Not sure this helped but I hope things get better.

Lauren :)


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SABANS_MOMMY
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3/23/14 1:28 P

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Repeat after me:

MY CHILD'S CHOICES ARE NOT MY CHOICES.

Now say it again three times. You raised your children, I'm assuming to the best of your ability, and now they are grown. Yes, they will always be your children, and yes, you will always love them and worry about them. However, this is affecting YOU and your husband. He seems to want you to enable her, and that is no way to live your life. PLEASE remember that you are worth this life you've been giving.

Amanda :)


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DORIE53
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3/21/14 8:54 P

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I have made it thru this week without binge eating. We just got back Monday from Snowbirding in AZ. Our troubled 22-yr-old daughter was house-sitting and pet-sitting for us. While we were down there, she kept texting me 'I miss you mommy' and 'come home.' We came home two weeks early because we felt so bad. She is chronically unemployed, LOVES gambling, smoking, drinking, overeating, is bipolar. She had a job when we left in Oct and got 'laid off' again in Jan. I bought her all these souvenirs down there, bought her an iPad for C'mas for sticking it out when she didn't want to. Within a couple days of our being home, she flew off the handle. Asked me for a stamp & when I asked if it was for her unemployment claim she told me to F OFF! Husband said ignore her, don't ask her anything. That's no solution. I tried to talk to her today & she started screaming at me F YOU, etc. She stormed off. Husband wasn't home & when he returned & I was crying, telling him all the things she said, he said this family makes him feel like killing himself. I feel the same way but know that's not the answer. She called him later that she's going to a homeless shelter. Bad as that sounds, I am grateful she isn't here. My husband is angry at me. Feels I should have walked around the house not talking to her, which I feel is unfair to me. I asked her to put her dishes in the dishwasher when she was making her breakfast this morning & she said no, F YOU. I know this is not just a problem with her, it's a marital problem too, but I have no one to talk to and just wanted to say I didn't allow it to start me bingeing. I am 100 lb overweight & my body aches all over. We are retired but are starting a job tomorrow, cleaning offices, and I dread going - - afraid I won't be able to do the work, have the employer see that I have to take the elevator between floors and not take the stairs. I take antidepressants and have since age 14. Hope things don't look so bad in the morning. I know I'm not the only parent who has difficult adult children. Our other child is a 25-yr-old son who hasn't spoken to us or seen us in 4 years. He is a daily marijuana user & drinker who feels we 'damaged' him. I validate his feelings but wrote to him that our parents damaged us too. No parent starts out to have a bad relationship with their kids. Sorry to ramble but if you are suffering from these problems too, I hope to correspond with you.



 
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