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SABANS_MOMMY's Photo SABANS_MOMMY SparkPoints: (1,412)
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3/16/14 6:45 P

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So, if you "boost your confidence," he'll magically stop being an idiot? Yeah......I don't think so.

I'm not trying to be rude. I'm really not. But it seems to me that he is doing this out of selfishness, and is using your confidence level to do so. You need to be yourself. I would put money on this: you can be the next Beyonce where confidence is concerned, and he will more than likely still do these things. HE needs to stop the sexting and video chatting and concentrate on his WIFE and y'alls MARRIAGE.


Amanda :)


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KINSEY26's Photo KINSEY26 SparkPoints: (4,163)
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3/10/14 5:03 P

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I fully agree with the majority of women here... His cheating is completely 100% on HIM. It has nothing to do with your confidence. He is trying to put the blame on you so he doesn't have to feel so guilty. I understand being committed to your relationship but part of having confidence is self-respect. You need to stand up to him and let him know that it isn't okay to blame you for his mistakes. I recommend therapy and if it happens again, maybe a separation. The best thing for your confidence is being around people who help you boost it, not tear you down! emoticon



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YESFAN88's Photo YESFAN88 Posts: 112
3/9/14 2:20 P

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Does your husband consider sexting and skyping cheating? It sounds to me like he wasn't blaming your lack of confidence for his cheating, but suggesting that the reason you disagree about whether those acts constitute cheating is because you have low confidence (which I don't agree with and I think that was insensitive of him to say either way), but maybe it's simply a matter of determining what crosses the line in your relationship. You should sit down and talk about what you consider to be okay (ie: is it okay to flirt, Is it okay to dance with other people, is it okay to watch pornography, etc).
I think if this stems from a misunderstanding all you really need to do is communicate exactly what is acceptable in the relationship and what is not so that this doesn't happen again.
You sound like a very understanding and devoted wife! Not a lot of people would deal with this situation as rationally as you have. At the very least you should be proud of what a good romantic partner you are and take some confidence there.



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SPARKY_DAN's Photo SPARKY_DAN Posts: 65
3/6/14 12:05 A

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I am truly sorry for the pain you must be feeling. As suggested earlier, this event will likely reverberate throughout the duration of your marriage - not necessarily in ways you have considered at this point. In fact, it may impact the very confidence he says you need to bolster and lead to depression. I encourage you to seek professional counseling for yourself as well as with your husband if he is willing to participate.



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LOVO0211 Posts: 1
3/2/14 11:37 P

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Once a cheater, always a cheater. Cut your losses and don't waste your time. I hope you find love and happiness with someone that loves you for who you are.

SARALD5's Photo SARALD5 Posts: 317
2/19/14 1:26 P

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Hello! I have not been on spark for a couple of years and got back on today. I definately consider this cheating. He knows darn good and well that this is not right and he cannot expect your confidence to be "boosted" with him doing this. He should know that now, more than ever, your confidence may be low, and it is up to him to help you in that area. Of course we have to be happy with ourselves first but that is damaging to a woman. Also if he is doing that online, could he possibly be looking at porn, maybe even a possible addict to take it this far. Now before you jump to conclusions with that, please make sure first, I am just speaking from past experience with my ex husband and this sounds all too familiar. I would get professional help for y'all because this is something too soon in the marriage. Best of luck and we are here for you!



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ZENTHAE's Photo ZENTHAE Posts: 271
2/18/14 8:59 P

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He sounds like a dick honestly, putting the blame on you. Did he come clean about it, or did you "catch" him? If you found out on your own, he's not sorry he did it he's sorry he got caught. He will just get better at hiding it next time, and putting the blame on you just means he really isn't that sorry ... he just wants the problem to go away.

Even if you are staying with him because of your vows, don't let him think you are! If you let him get off that easy, he will continue to do it again because you are sending the message that you condone it. If it's too easy he will do it again.

I know you are newly married, and you want it to work out. I've been with my husband for almost 10 years... the first few months are suppose to be the honeymoon stage, it's not going to get any easier then this for a long time. Even now 10 years later, things are just starting to get easier for us... if you can't count on your partner to be faithful to you, you are missing a pretty serious core to your relationship. Being in love and taking your vows seriously is one thing, being a door mat is another.

Good luck, I really hope you can make it work because it does seem like you really love him. But a relationship does take TWO.

Zenthae


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IMDADOGGIE's Photo IMDADOGGIE SparkPoints: (14,128)
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2/15/14 5:40 P

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Gabby I got married when I was only 19 yrs old. My mom and dad read it in the newspaper because I was not sure they would approve. I was desperate to make it work because of that and the fact I too believed in my vows. I stayed married for 10 yrs. I loved him very much but I can promise you if he is doing this after only 4 mths no amount of counseling will help. Like others have said he is trying to put this blame on the lack of confidence he sees in you. You are the same person he married and if he could not live with that he should not have gotten married to you. I know how you feel and how bad you want to work this out but just know that you will only be continuing to put up with the cheating which will be more than just texting, along with the emotional torture and tears. You can live with years of pain or end it while you are young and find someone who will be in it with you for you and love you like you deserve. Mine was always sorry and always wanted to work it out. About 2 years after our divorce we became good friends and remain so today. I am glad I finally got the confidence and strength to divorce him. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. My son was disappointed but later thanked me for it. He was eight when we split. It is better to do it why you are young and before kids if you don't already have them. Best of luck.



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GABBY0913's Photo GABBY0913 Posts: 199
1/29/14 6:52 P

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Thank you everyone! He and I have talked a lot of things out and we are both working on this relationship and gaining trust back. I'm also working on my confidence not for him, but for myself. Hopefully our marriage will come out stronger in the end.

Army Wife, Crazy Cat Lady, PCOS Fighter.


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SOON2BCOURTNEY's Photo SOON2BCOURTNEY SparkPoints: (6,495)
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1/29/14 11:38 A

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I agree with what the others have said. Him cheating has nothing to do with your lack of confidence, he is just trying to pass them blame to you and not accept responsibility for his actions. If he was so worried about you confined he should be doing things to help you feel better about yourself, and sexting with other people is sure not the way to do that. I appalled you for taking your marriage vows so seriously and your commitment to making your marriage work, just make sure you don't lose yourself in the process. Best of luck to you!

~Misty~


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DAWNOFMELANIE's Photo DAWNOFMELANIE SparkPoints: (9,833)
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1/29/14 9:09 A

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I agree. HIS infidelity is HIS problem. Your confidence, or lack thereof is something else, and HIS problem is only making yours worse.

*hugs*





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CHRISTINAMM0580's Photo CHRISTINAMM0580 SparkPoints: (18,489)
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1/27/14 11:33 A

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Boost your confidence? Work things out if that is what you want to do, but make him admit to his issue. This is typical cheater behavior to try to put it blame on the non-cheating spouse. It makes the cheater feel justified. Get marriage counseling, outside eyes that have no stakes in either partner are more objective. Good luck!!!



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GABBY0913's Photo GABBY0913 Posts: 199
1/26/14 8:10 P

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Good evening, all.

Just found out last night that my husband of less than 4 months has been "sexting" and sexually video chatting other people. Although it was never physical, I consider this cheating. I confronted him and he said I don't have enough confidence in myself. I'm not looking to divorce him; our vows said "til death do us part" and I take that very seriously. He is wanting to work this out too, but says I need to boost my confidence. How should I go about fixing our marriage and how do I show more confidence in myself?

Thank you!

Army Wife, Crazy Cat Lady, PCOS Fighter.


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