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Know it all 8 yo stepdaughter



 
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AMANDAMF05
AMANDAMF05's Photo SparkPoints: (1,045)
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1/30/14 2:43 P

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I believe it is the age, or personality. My daughter is 5 years old, but we call her a critical thinker. She thinks "outside the box", she wants to know more, she wants to know exactly why something happens, and yes she corrects us a lot of times. But, this is her. We love her for who she is, the questions she asks, the spunk she has. Every child is different. Just try to talk to her. I would not suggest sending her back to her mother. Her father was granted custody for a reason! I know it can be hard being a step parent, I have a step son, but thinking about giving up on a child is not the answer. Try to get to know her better, try to do more with her, and try to see her personality as a gift, not a problem. A spunky little girl, who likes to be right, could grow up to be such a strong woman! If this is her personality, just try to be more specific when talking to her. If she is looking for more attention, try to give it to her. If she is acting out, try to go see a councilor. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck!



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THREEICYS
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1/29/14 4:22 P

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Trust me even if she were your flesh and blood it would be irritating. I have three grown kids and two grown step kids. Let me throw a few things out.
The very best thing you can do (in my opinion) is build a closer relationship with her. Find new and interesting things to do together. This will not only create positive experiences/memories but create a new base for fresh dialogue. Doing this will make those irritating moments smaller - kind a like a buffer.

The second thing that comes to mind is the fact that no matter how confident she seems she desperately needs your love and approval.

The last thing is this - if your feeling irritated and heated and cannot go for a walk or a different room these things have helped me:
1. put on some fun or relaxing music
2. write inspiring quotes or passages that are uplifting to you on index cards and have them around the house - read one out loud when anyone is irritating you.

I think it is great that you are asking for help with this. Sure hope the situation improves.




SYRREAL
Posts: 106
1/6/14 3:47 P

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I would agree that it's the age. It seems that 6-9 is all about being a know it all and while it's super annoying, it's also normal.



GAMEDUTCHESS
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12/14/13 11:12 A

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I would get counseling. Being a step parent is hard and if you are thinking of sending her to a bad place just so you don't have to here her say, "no it's 2:58." There is a bigger issue going on with you. I would guess resentment for having to raise someone else's kid? Do you have kids? If so your husband has to help raise yours. How would you feel if he wanted to send your kid away because he or she didn't pick up his clothes off the floor?

I feel like you are asking people to ok you sending a kid off to be hurt or neglected.

Edited by: GAMEDUTCHESS at: 12/14/2013 (11:21)
Take Pride!!




LINDYSPARKLES
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11/20/13 12:52 P

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I think this is pretty typical of 8 yr old girls. I have one, and she is exactly like you describe your step daughter to be. She will say anything that is the opposite of what I say, or a correction. I could tell her that its night time, and she will say its day, and then try to argue wy she's right. Its extremely obnoxious and so hard to deal with every day. I can't wait until she matures a little and outgrows this stage!



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SIMONEKP
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11/15/13 4:12 P

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Kids at that age can be sticklers for the rules and exactitude. She needs your patience and you need to teach her that she doesn't always need to correct others.

Simone

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams

No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch!
Source: unknown



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1977SHAW
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10/17/13 12:01 P

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u have to b patient with kids step kids need extra love and patience shes been thru a lot andneeds time to adjudt u have 2 different personalities there r counslers that can help u 2 adjust and work this out spend more time with her do fun things and talk to her on an 8 year old level ask her y she does that u might b surprised and more understanding when u find out her reasons

I AM STRONG! I CAN DO THIS!


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KAYMAXIM
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10/12/13 10:41 A

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One of my friends deals with disagreeable comments by saying, "that could be, " and leaving it alone. It's best to disengage emotionally if you can so you don't get stressed. It's just what she's doing and try to look at it objectively without getting so upset. Better to focus on something else.

Just a suggestion... but it would be horrible to send her back to an environment that isn't good for her.

In the end, the best things in life came from our own inner growth and that came from dealing with things that we wish didn't exist and making them better. So in that way, bad things are a huge blessing.


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STEELERGURL
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9/30/13 7:38 P

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Whatever you do, do not send her back to an environment that wont be healthy for her. Show her love and kindness. Be honest with her and let her know you love her no matter what. Be specific in how you talk to her but do not show and annoyance with her cause she may just want attention. Spend quality time with her. And talk to her father about it. Maybe he can help in some way.

~Shauna~ :)


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MARTINT011
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9/26/13 10:05 A

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going to the spark page again emoticon



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JENJI_RUNNER
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9/23/13 12:01 P

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If you are thinking about giving up custody over this, it seems like more than a minor irritant. Would you consider counseling? Step-parenting is a very hard job! You deserve support. It doesn't sound as though it would help your step-daughter to be more thoughtful if she lives with her mom. So if I were you, I'd work to improve how you communicate together and to give her more polite ways to correct her elders. "Excuse me, but I think that maybe. . ."

My 8 year old also corrects me, especially on things she knows more about than I do (my accent in Spanish, usually).



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KAYMAXIM
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9/22/13 1:34 A

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My son was going through that for awhile. Since then I've studies Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) and I'd highly recommend the book and the training if you have one in your area. I can't say enough good things about it.

In the end, the best things in life came from our own inner growth and that came from dealing with things that we wish didn't exist and making them better. So in that way, bad things are a huge blessing.


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JILLRY03
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9/10/13 12:01 P

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Oh my I'm so glad that you posted this!!! I am going through the same thing with my 9 yr old son! It drives me crazy too!! I have enjoyed reading all the advice! Good Luck!



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MISSFAE
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8/30/13 12:35 P

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That's an 8 year old thing. There's starting to get past just identifying themselves only as kids and beginning to see themselves as regular people with valuable input in the world. It's up to you to help her learn how to offer her input without making people feel put down.

You gave a couple examples where she wasn't just being precise, she was flat out wrong. You can start by proving it to her. Pull out a calendar and show her which day corresponds to which number and mark down the event you were discussing together. Enlist her help in brushing out the cat and trim mats. Sit down and count the mats together. She'll eventually learn not to open her mouth unless she's sure she's right.

As far as the pot lid goes. A response of "You're right, but I'm busy cooking and it's hard for me to find it right now, do you think you could find it for me please?" would have validated her and given her a job to do,as well as giving her a valid reason for your actions, so she sees you know what you're doing. The "Hey, you know what you're doing, I could use your help!" has a dual purpose. It will validate her and give her the attention and confidence boost she's looking for, but she'll also learn quickly that when she interjects with her expertise, you'll put it to use and she may stop interjecting as much if she doesn't want to leave what she's doing to help you.

I agree with what was already said about being more precise with your language around the time corrections. Also, talking to her about how it makes you feel and learning to take a step back and not take it so personally. When she says things like that, she's looking for a boost in self-confidence. It's about her, not about you. Help her find ways to get that boost without being so darn obnoxious.

Erin - Carman, MB, Canada


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LIVING4TODAY
LIVING4TODAY's Photo Posts: 197
8/29/13 1:27 P

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It is hard to be a stepmom. Blended families are a lot like real blenders....somebodies always getting creamed! I would recommend checking out the book StepMonster. It is one of the best books I have read on blended families.

DiverLisa's advice in excellent! I think their are many adults still working on these skill sets. Some personality types are a little OCD, a little perfectionist....but they need to weigh the need to be right and have things be right with the need to get along with other people and have friends emoticon . She may be looking for attention and she may need to learn that there are much better ways to get positive attention from people. Or she may be poking at you because you are her step mother. Hard to say!

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.-Dalai Lama


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DIVERLISA
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8/19/13 11:59 A

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Boy do I related to your daughter - and to you! I've struggled with the need to be right all my life, and now I see it in my kids, too! My 8-year-old corrects me in the most obnoxious of ways. At my worst, I argue with him. It turns out that acting like a kid myself doesn't help at all.

I'm using a couple of techniques. First, I calm myself by thinking, "how important is this?". If it's not important, I just let it go. Is this important enough to have an argument with a kid?

Second, in calm moments, I talk to my son about how annoying it is to be corrected. I'm also teaching him the things I ask myself before I correct someone else. First, "how important is this?" Second, "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?". Correcting someone is likely to cause distress or annoyance for them. Do I really need to engage in it? The final tool I use is the three point test: "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?". If a correction passes all three tests, then it's worth it.

These techniques have helped with bear my kids' corrections. But they've also helped me manage my corrections of my kids. Sometimes they need to make mistakes and bear the consequences. It's particularly useful with homework. If I see an error, and they're resistant to correction, it's ok for me to just let it go. They may learn more by letting the teacher correct them.

I love the role-playing suggestion from earlier. I may try that.

Good luck with this one!



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BERKANA_T
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8/19/13 11:31 A

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My 16 year old daughter is the most logical and literal person I know. She always has been. A lot of what you've mentioned, I've heard from her as well. We've coped in various ways.

For some things, the rest of the family adjusts how we say things. We don't say "It's 3:00" anymore, we now say "It's about 3:00" or "It's 3:00ish". Sometimes she still fills in the exact time, but since we gave an approximate time to begin with, it doesn't feel so much like she's telling us we're wrong when she does so. We've also learned to be very specific when we're discussing processes with her. We don't just go out for a few hours...we go to the grocery store, then to the pet store, then we stop and get a coffee on the way home. If we even change the order of things, without saying that we're changing the order, she will mention it.

As frustrating as all of this can be sometimes, this really is just her personality. At your stepdaughter's age, I had a nice long talk with her, and did a little roleplay (which she thought was silly to begin with), but which did help in the long run. I pretended to be her, and she pretended to be one of her friends, and we had a conversation. I corrected everything she said or did, until she actually yelled at me in frustration. It helped her to realize how frustrating being too literal could be for the people around her. After that conversation we started working with her to learn to recognize when she's being too literal and particular.

Now, at 16, we can gently tease her if she's being too literal, and she recognizes it in herself probably about 40% of the time. She's getting better with monitoring her own behaviour and moderating based on the people she's with. As she's gotten older, I think the biggest lesson she's learned is that just because she doesn't think that what someone is saying or doing is correct, doesn't mean she has to say or do anything about it. Thank goodness she has some very understanding friends!




PRINCESSAA12
PRINCESSAA12's Photo Posts: 467
8/17/13 5:52 A

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I HATE little ones like that. Sometimes I just ignore them and try not to attach any emotions to what he/she says. Soon it dies off. They keep saying what they want to say and I keep ignoring. So I let them be themselves and don't expect them to change. Hope that helps.



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OMENDER
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8/16/13 12:13 P

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It seems to me that you are dealing with a simple personality conflict. She is very particular and you are not. Maybe when you are speaking to her, try to be more specific and that will avoid the correction. Do not use hyperbole with her. Have you asked her to not correct you in a calm way?
I know it can be irritating, but a lot of young children are very precise. Some grow out of it and some do not. Just try to remember her desire for detail when your are talking to her, try to let some of it go, limit the times it does happen by trying to be more precise in your speech, and gently reminding her that you do indeed know what you are doing when it comes to pot lids and the like.
I am going through a similar issue with my 7 year old who thinks she knows everything under the sun and will even quiz us on the logistics of our plans. She is very detail oriented and feels more grown up than she is. She is slowly learning to say or ask in a different way so she doesn't sound condescending to the adults who really do know more than she does.



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ROANNE_N
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8/15/13 10:51 P

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My stepdaughter is only 8 years old, but she is driving me crazy! She's lived with her dad and I for two years now and it's getting so I want to send her back to her mom. Which is not a good environment, which is why we got custody of her. She constantly corrects people. If I say it's 3:00, she will say No, it's 2:58. We were talking about her open house at school and I said it was on the 29th and she said, "no, you mean it's on Thursday." I said, "Thursday is the 29th" And she said "No, it's Wednesday." I say the cat has tons of mats and needs a haircut and she says, "Actually she only has one." (There were at least 5 or 6.) I'm cooking dinner and I need a cover for a pot, so I grab one that doesn't fit perfectly and stick it on, in my mind it's close enough and works, she will tell me, "Uhhh, that's not the right one." It's just little things like this that are driving me up the wall!! I don't know what to do, I'm losing my patience and I hate feeling like this.



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