This is a bit of a messy post, I'll try my best to keep it simple but please bear with me. I definitely need some help...
So, over the last month or so I've been trying to figure out and work through my binge eating disorder and get started on the road to recovery. This has inevitably led to some soul searching and looking at my past to try and figure out why I might have started bingeing.
Long story short would be that I used food to please people, eating to the point of throwing up because I wanted to make family members happy (I wrote a looooong blog on this on my page if anyone wants the full story...) and I also use food for comfort, based on the alcoholic rage that my parents brought in to the home when I was younger. I would wait for them to pass out and overeat on my own to feel safe, protected and prioritised.
SO, I'm kind of on the brink of all of this when my eldest sister came to stay with us this last weekend. I love my sister dearly, we're v similar and get on well. Having said that, she's one of those people that is utterly larger than life and the type to barge in to your life for a few days and throw everything up in the air then go back home while you're left figuring the mess out... You know the type, right?
She's had a tremendously hard life. She lived with her mum (we share a dad) who was absent a lot, emotionally abusive and she has had a really horrible time of things on many levels so I have tons of respect for her. However, she also tends to make me feel inferior and stupid and I don't even know how...she tells me I need to get over a lot of what happened to me in my childhood with my parents alcoholism and nastiness but she doesn't give me the respect of someone who suffered; but I feel like I give her that...
She also brings up a lot of resentment I have for my dad. When I was growing up he spent a lot of time comparing me to her. If I would cry he would tell me to stop being so sensitive, that my sister would never cry about something like that.... So I feel this tremendous sense of resentment toward her and him (and my mum, but that's not really linked to my sister)
I've had therapy surrounding these issues in the past and I thought I was working through them. But after this weekend I can feel them there, making me isolate from my family and I can feel that tremendous resentment building every day.
She basically spent the weekend telling me I need to move on from what happened in my childhood, and then say, "we'll, at least XYZ didn't happen to you." "At least you didn't have my mum" "I always thought it would be brilliant to be you because you grew up with both parents"
All of this made my problems feel utterly insignificant and unimportant and I just want to run away from them and never stop...
And I want to binge... I haven't yet, but I want to because its the only way I've had of coping with things my whole life because nobody was ever really there when I had a problem when I was younger.
I know this post is rambling and self-pitying but I'm just full of this right now, I feel like someone has ripped the dressing from a wound and everything is new again.
I don't know how to deal with my feelings toward my family and be successful in my journey to recovery.
| current weight: 201.0