SparkPeople Sponsors help keep the site free!

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
2/9/10 10:38 A

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You Moron! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
2/4/10 8:28 A

LOL I like that one!

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

SparkPoints: (6,849)
Fitness Minutes: (8,022)
Posts: 247
2/3/10 5:16 P

Wasn't really told as a joke, but it was a funny on the radio.

30 something single lady calls up the radio show and asks "Where are all of the men who have their act together?"

The host responds, "At home with their wives!"

current weight: 161.0

230 212.75 195.5 178.25

161

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
1/29/10 8:04 A

That is one of the cleaner Little Johnny Jokes I've heard. hehe!

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

SparkPoints: (4,379)
Fitness Minutes: (545)
Posts: 537
1/27/10 11:48 A

A true story (as told my one of my coworkers)

Little Johnny is in class and writing about his weekend. He goes up to his teacher and asks "Mrs. Smith how do your spell penis?" The teacher is understandable concerned and asks Johnny "What exactly are your writing about?" he answers "Oh I know how the spell the hap, I just can't get the penis"

Think about it for a minute you will get it.

Edited by: FROGGIEBEAR at: 1/27/2010 (11:48)

current weight: 241.0

246 222 198 174

150

SparkPoints: (4,379)
Fitness Minutes: (545)
Posts: 537
1/27/10 11:43 A

An immigrant is doing his spoken language test to get his citizenship papers. He is asked to make a sentence using the following words yellow, pink and green. He thinks for a moment and replies:

"My phone goes green green I pink it up and say yellow this is Munjibar!"

current weight: 241.0

246 222 198 174

150

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
1/26/10 12:07 P

That wouldn't work, I've gotten good at picking stuff up with my feet and toes so that I don't have to bend at the middle other than to sit down while turning on the TV. hehehe!

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

SparkPoints: (4,379)
Fitness Minutes: (545)
Posts: 537
1/25/10 9:26 P

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

Look, Donut seeds!

And one specially for the guys.....

How do you get a man to do situps?

Put the remote between his toes!

current weight: 241.0

246 222 198 174

150

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
1/25/10 6:53 A

LOL on that last one... OK my turn......

What do you call the baby of a male elephant and a female rhino?

.

.

.

.

.

Elephino (say it outloud)

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

SparkPoints: (4,379)
Fitness Minutes: (545)
Posts: 537
1/24/10 12:39 P

Two seniors go on their first date. One thing leads to another and they end up at her place. Basking in the afterglow of their lovemaking he turns to her and says

"My Darling, if I had known you were a virgin I would have been much gentler with you" to which she replies

"Honey If I had known you could get it up I would have taken my panty hose off"

current weight: 241.0

246 222 198 174

150

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
1/16/10 8:12 P

that last one was a groaner!!!

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

Posts: 21
1/6/10 6:51 P

What runs in circles and goes "MARK MARK MARK"?






A dog with a harelip.

Pounds lost: 30.0

0 7.5 15 22.5

30

SparkPoints: (29,173)
Fitness Minutes: (34,392)
Posts: 1,667
1/6/10 5:21 P

Why is it if a man talks dirty to a woman it is sexual harassment, but if a woman talks dirty to a man it is $3.99 a minute?

current weight: 198.0

250 228.5 207 185.5

164

Posts: 260
1/6/10 12:20 P

man driving down road with wife after party.
wife says burt im leaving you for another man ?
burt says ok dear speeds up
wife says burt im having the house and kids?
burt says ok dear speeds up
wife says burt im getting all the money?
burt says ok dear speeds up
approching a bad bend in the road next to a large wall
wife says burt is there anything you want?
burt says no my dear iv'e got everything i need
wife says whats that then burt?
IV'E GOT THE AIR BAG ????????

current weight: 270.0

279 254.75 230.5 206.25

182

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
1/3/10 10:51 A

Hi Little Billy,

What joke has your puzzled?

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

SparkPoints: (14,552)
Fitness Minutes: (9,826)
Posts: 1,053
1/2/10 8:07 P

???????

current weight: 204.0

224 211.5 199 186.5

174

Posts: 1
1/2/10 4:21 P

Wat do you call a guy with two left legs, nothing he will just walk in circles.

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
12/25/09 6:43 A

Oh SAX, that last one was a true groaner! hehehehe! I love it!

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

SparkPoints: (79,321)
Fitness Minutes: (89,496)
Posts: 3,376
12/24/09 5:55 P

A viking, named Rudolph, was home one night-
Besides being a great warrior- He was very bright.
"We are having quite a drought," his wife started to complain-
"Don't worry," he said, "It's going to rain."

"It's not going to rain," she said to him.
"The chances of that at best are very slim.
I can see the stars- the sky is quite clear-
There are no clouds- I fear you're wrong, my dear."

After blowing his nose, and wiping it with a cloth-
He sniffed the night aid, then made a cough.
He closed all the windows in their spacious loft-
"It'll rain within seconds," said Rudolph.

Suddenly, the rain commenced a heavy flow-
And the wife, of course desired to know how did he know?
"Simple," he said- and started to sneer-
"Rudoplh, the Red, knows rain, dear."

current weight: 250.0

275 262.5 250 237.5

225

Posts: 37
12/16/09 1:41 A

all but one of these are funny......nice job, guys...I needed the smile tonight. Thank you all.

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
12/10/09 9:32 P

A little boy (with a slight speech inpediment) went ou trick or treating. The first house he stops at the lady comes out and says"how cute, what are you supposed to be"

The little boy replied "A Birate"

The lady thought for a moment and said "Oh, a pirate" then she asked "Whats that by your side?"

The little boy replied "it's a board"

The lady thought for a minute and said "OH, a sword, so what is that on your head?"

The little boy replied "thats my bat"

The lady thought for a moment and said "OH it's your hat---so you are a pirate, you have your sword and your hat. Where are your buccaneers?

The little boy replied "on my bucken head"

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

Posts: 243
12/10/09 3:22 P

What are pirates called pirates...????















because they ARGGGGG

current weight: 310.4

324 300.5 277 253.5

230

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
12/10/09 12:30 P

HAHAHA!!! I get it but it took me a few seconds! hehe!

"What did the Zero say to the Eight?


Hey nice belt"

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

Posts: 243
12/10/09 9:58 A

What did the Zero say to the Eight?









Hey nice belt

Edited by: LOOSETHEGUT at: 12/10/2009 (09:59)

current weight: 310.4

324 300.5 277 253.5

230

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
12/9/09 12:55 P

What do you call a dog with no legs?

.
.
.
.

It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
12/9/09 12:55 P

What do you call a cat with no legs?

.
.
.
.

Dogfood

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

SparkPoints: (10,760)
Fitness Minutes: (6,720)
Posts: 1,500
12/9/09 12:54 P

A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and saw a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, 'life isn't so bad after all', and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"I am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly. "My backside itches, and I can't scratch it!"

current weight: 307.0

348 309.75 271.5 233.25

195

SparkPoints: (17,704)
Fitness Minutes: (6,525)
Posts: 4,839
11/20/09 9:27 A

A man’s car broke down in an isolated community near the state mental hospital. There was a large wooden fence that shielded the view in and out of the yard and the man heard several people on the other side yelling, “13, 13, 13, 13,” over and over again. They were almost cheering it. This got the man very curious.

He noticed there was a loose panel of wood in the fence. He figured he could look inside to see what was going on. He pushed the panel up and there was just enough room for him to stick his head inside to see what all the commotion was about. He stuck in his head and one of the residents plopped him on the head with a rubber hose and all the other residents began screaming and laughing and yelled, “14,14,14,14.”

Moral of the story: Always mind your own business!

current weight: 164.0

200 191 182 173

164

SparkPoints: (23,082)
Fitness Minutes: (9,076)
Posts: 1,116
11/12/09 9:43 A

Ok. . .a young boy of about 15 goes into a store asking for a job. The manager says, “I’m not hiring right now, go away.”
The next day the boy goes back & asks again & again is turned away.
He keeps this up until one day the manager says, “Ok, ok, ok, I have to run to the post office for about 20 minutes. Will you watch the store for me?”
The boy says, “Sure.”

Twenty minutes later the manager returns & says, “Well, how’d it go?”
The boy says, “It went really well, I sold $4000 worth of merchandise.”
The manager is taken aback & says, “I’ve only been gone for 20 minutes how did you do that?”

The boy says, “Well, I sold this guy some fishing hooks, & I asked him if he had any line to go with the hooks. He said no. I suggested he buy some line. So he bought some fishing line.

I asked him if he had a reel to put the line on. He said no. I suggested he buy a reel. So he bought a reel.

I asked him if he had a fishing pole to put the reel & line on. He said no. I suggested he buy a pole. He bought a pole.

I asked him if he had any extra hooks, line, sinkers or reels. He said no. I suggested he but some, so he bought some.

I asked him if he had a tackle box to put the extra hooks, line, sinkers & reels in. He said no, so I suggested he buy a tackle box. He bought a tackle box.

I asked him if he had a boat to put the tackle box in & to take down to the lake. He said no. I suggested he buy a boat. So he bought a boat.

I asked him if he had a trailer to take the boat down to the lake. He said no. I suggested he buy a trailer for the boat. So he bought a trailer.”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute. You mean to tell me a man walked in here looking for fishing hooks & sold him all of that stuff???”

“No.” the boy said, “he came in here looking for a box of sanitary napkins. I suggested since you ain’t doin’ nothing this weekend, why don’t you go fishing.”

current weight: 275.0

309 294.25 279.5 264.75

250

SparkPoints: (29,173)
Fitness Minutes: (34,392)
Posts: 1,667
11/11/09 10:27 P

Can't Explain
A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar.

The Farmer mumbles, "Some things I just can't explain." The bartender, who knows the Farmer as Jim, asks, "What do you mean Jim?".
"Well, you know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue she knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. So I picked up a piece of rope laying nearby and cut me off a piece. I tied her leg to the post nearby, but some things I just can't explain," Jim said.
"Jim, What do you mean by that," the Bartender asks.
"Well, I commenced to milking her again and when the pail got half full she kicked it over with her left back leg. So I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post, but some things I just can't explain," Jim added.
"Jim, tell me what it is you can't explain and I'll see if I can help," the Bartender said.
"Well, after that I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I'll be darned if she didn't knock the pail over with her tail. Since I didn't have any more rope left I took off my belt and tied one end to her tail. Then I stood up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle on a nail just above. About that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the barn. That's what I can't explain."

current weight: 198.0

250 228.5 207 185.5

164

Posts: 18
10/26/09 10:43 P

2 nuns are driving through Transylvania, when all of a sudden a vampire bat flys onto their windshield. The nun driving turns on the windshield wipers, but the bat is clinging to the wiper blades and just keeps hissing at them through the windshield. In a panic the nun driving tells the passenger "Quick Sister show it your cross!" So the nun rolls down her window and shouts, "Get the @#$% off the windshield!"

current weight: 197.0

246 228.25 210.5 192.75

175

Posts: 37
10/26/09 3:43 P

nice...and forkdown, that was VERY funny...lol

SparkPoints: (2,236)
Fitness Minutes: (928)
Posts: 80
10/24/09 11:41 A

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

current weight: 210.0

220 203.25 186.5 169.75

153

Posts: 86
10/20/09 12:49 A

Husband and wife cuddling on the couch watching TV. Husband looks to the wife and asks "wanna have sex?"
The wife replies yes I would love to but, I have Gyno appointment in the morning. When he examines me he will know I had sex the night before. The husband shakes his head and he is cool with it. Then a couple of minutes later he looks at her and asks "Are you going to the dentist tommorrow?"

current weight: 251.2

260.5 252.875 245.25 237.625

230

SparkPoints: (2,236)
Fitness Minutes: (928)
Posts: 80
10/18/09 5:35 P

How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. It does however take the entire emergency room staff to get it back out.


How many literalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two at a minimum, but how the heck do you expect to get two people inside a light bulb?

current weight: 210.0

220 203.25 186.5 169.75

153

Posts: 37
10/18/09 2:02 P

cute...lol

SparkPoints: (2,236)
Fitness Minutes: (928)
Posts: 80
10/17/09 1:17 P

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...

One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second worker was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

current weight: 210.0

220 203.25 186.5 169.75

153

Posts: 24
10/12/09 3:27 P

Just heard this one over the weekend, it's pretty disgusting.

Three vampires go walking into a bar. The first vampire orders a drink of blood, followed by the second vampire. The third vampire orders a water. The bartender was a little confused so he asked the third vampire why he ordered the water. The vampire then pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm having tea tonight."

current weight: 207.0

209 206.75 204.5 202.25

200

SparkPoints: (2,236)
Fitness Minutes: (928)
Posts: 80
10/8/09 12:36 P

So there was this social for the local freaks in the area. You know, the ones who are mentally incompetent, physically disabled, or both. It was in hopes that if they got together, maybe they would have a chance at love, since no one else ever could.

So there was Mike who had a stump for an arm and he was talking to Jerry, who had a false wooden eye. They were drinking for a while and Mike said, "hey, you know? You should go over there and talk to Lisa. She's been checking you out all night."
"She has?" asked Jerry.
"Yeah," said Mike, "it sounds like a slow song is starting. I bet if you went over there and asked her to dance she would be all for it. Just, whatever you do, don't mention her big ugly nose. She's really self-conscious about it, even in a group like this."
"Okay," Jerry said, "I'm going!"

So Jerry walked over to Lisa and asked, "Hi Lisa. Do you want to dance?"
"Oh, would I! Would I!" was Lisa's reply.
"Yeah?" Jerry said, "Well, you have a big ugly nose!" And with that, Jerry stormed off.

current weight: 210.0

220 203.25 186.5 169.75

153

Posts: 26
10/7/09 4:24 A

Did you hear about the frog that parked illegally?

He was Toad...

What about the two peanuts that went to New York?

One was assaulted...

current weight: 234.0

240 226.25 212.5 198.75

185

SparkPoints: (2,236)
Fitness Minutes: (928)
Posts: 80
10/6/09 11:04 P

Why did the princess cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seat belt.



Too soon?

current weight: 210.0

220 203.25 186.5 169.75

153

SparkPoints: (6,781)
Fitness Minutes: (1,960)
Posts: 223
10/6/09 6:28 P

LOL

current weight: 175.6

200 190 180 170

160

SparkPoints: (17,704)
Fitness Minutes: (6,525)
Posts: 4,839
10/6/09 12:17 P

Sam was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to the doctor.

"When you feel like you are getting ready to have an orgasm, try startling yourself."

So later that same day, Sam went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife sprawled across the bed naked. As the two began making love, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, and my neighbor jumped out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

current weight: 164.0

200 191 182 173

164

Posts: 196
10/6/09 12:08 P

My own line that I use now that I am exercising more...

I'm in no shape to exercise!!

current weight: 252.0

298 278.5 259 239.5

220

Posts: 196
10/6/09 12:07 P

Little boy runs into the house and asks his Grandma, "what's it called when 2 people are laying on top of each other in a bed room?" Grandma thinking that he his coming of age..well Tommy, it's called SEX Grandma says. Ok, Thanks Grandma and out the door he runs.

A short time later Tommy comes back in the house and stomps upto his Grandma.....Grandma, it's NOT called SEX when 2 people are laying on top of each other...it's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!!!

Edited by: SMOKEYS_HELPER at: 10/6/2009 (12:13)

current weight: 252.0

298 278.5 259 239.5

220

Posts: 37
10/5/09 8:54 P

lol

SparkPoints: (10,349)
Fitness Minutes: (5,990)
Posts: 463
9/10/09 11:14 A

GSEAGO

That joke was funny.

current weight: 176.0

180 176.25 172.5 168.75

165

SparkPoints: (17,704)
Fitness Minutes: (6,525)
Posts: 4,839
9/8/09 6:23 P

A lady was laying up with her secret lover while her husband was out playing golf. The husband came home early and the lady hurriedly hid her lover in her son’s closet. In all the commotion, the son got locked in the closet with the man and began crying, “It’s dark in here. It’s dark in here.”

“Shhhh. Be quiet kid,” the man said to the little boy. But he was only quiet for a little while and he began yelling about how dark it was in the closet. The man reached in his pocket and gave the boy two crisp $100 bills, which was enough incentive for the boy to remain quiet.

A few easy later, the lady saw the money in her son’s room and when he told her where it came from, she scolded him for taking advantage of the situation for his personal gain. She even arranged for him to go to confessional before the priest.
When the little boy got in the confessional, he started to cry, “it’s dark in here. It’s dark in here.”

“Oh gimme a break,” the priest exclaimed. Don’t start that crap again.

current weight: 164.0

200 191 182 173

164

Posts: 24
8/26/09 3:55 P

This joke has some MATURE CONTENT, just a warning!

A man walks into a bar, just as happy as can be. He walks straight up to the bartender and asks for six of the hardest shots the bartender can brew up. The bartender, noticing the excitement of the man, asks what the special occasion was. The man replies, "I had my first bj today." The bartender, hearing the news, lines up six shot glasses on the bar, pours them all and the man does all six one right after the other. The bartender, adding to the celebration, offers the man a seventh shot, on the house. The man refuses saying "No, no. If those first six didn't get the taste out of my mouth, the seventh one won't either!"

This is one of my favorite jokes.

current weight: 207.0

209 206.75 204.5 202.25

200

SparkPoints: (11,275)
Fitness Minutes: (9,343)
Posts: 121
8/26/09 12:28 P

I've been in healthcare for 18 years.... there's more truth in that than fiction....

current weight: 190.5

205 197.75 190.5 183.25

176

SparkPoints: (17,704)
Fitness Minutes: (6,525)
Posts: 4,839
8/26/09 9:23 A

An 80 year old man was carrying around with a young 30 year old woman. They went everywhere together and did everything together. One day for his doctor’s appointment, the woman went with him.

“Well Mr. Ford,” the doctor said “You have an attractive younger girlfriend and you’re smiling and feeling and doing well. That’s great.”

“Doc,” the man said. “The last time I was here you did tell me to get a hot momma and be cheerful.”

“I didn’t tell you that,” the doctor replied. “I said you have a heart murmur, be careful.”

current weight: 164.0

200 191 182 173

164

Posts: 396
8/16/09 5:15 A

There was this man who was really depressed and saw no reason to live so he went to the tallest building in his town. He went to the edge and was going to jump, but before he did he looked down. He saw a man with no arms skipping on the sidewalk and thought if a man with no arms can be so happy what am I upset over. So out of joy for his new look on life he ran down the stairs and told the man thank you. The man told him "thats great now will you just scratch my butt"

current weight: 299.0

323 297.25 271.5 245.75

220

SparkPoints: (29,173)
Fitness Minutes: (34,392)
Posts: 1,667
8/14/09 7:08 P

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

current weight: 198.0

250 228.5 207 185.5

164

SparkPoints: (17,704)
Fitness Minutes: (6,525)
Posts: 4,839
8/13/09 8:09 A

Twenty funny things to think about:

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (My Favorite)

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences. Love each other.

13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. (2nd Favorite)

14. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

15. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.

16. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

17. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

20. It ain't the clothes that make you look fat. (Honorable Mention) LOL






Edited by: WILLBOYWONDER at: 8/13/2009 (08:10)

current weight: 164.0

200 191 182 173

164

Posts: 170
8/10/09 12:24 A

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves.. Russel

What do you call an man with no arms or legs water skiing.. Skip.

Posts: 535
8/9/09 10:35 P

knock knock
who's there
itch
itch who
God Bless you!

current weight: 270.0

290 272.5 255 237.5

220

Posts: 1,580
8/7/09 3:16 P

love it

current weight: 240.0

245 242.5 240 237.5

235

SparkPoints: (5,348)
Fitness Minutes: (3,247)
Posts: 209
8/6/09 8:49 A

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

current weight: 345.0

365 323.5 282 240.5

199

Posts: 15
8/6/09 7:43 A

Did you know that the Bible tells us that men will get to Heaven before women? The verse is Revelations 8:1. It reads, "When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour."

Pounds lost: 8.0

0 5 10 15

20

Posts: 264
7/31/09 5:44 A

My friend had been pounding the pavement in search of a job with no luck. frustrated, she asked her dad to look at her resume. he didn't get much further than the first line of her cover letter before spotting the problem. "is it too generic?" she asked. "i doubt it," said her father. "especially since it's" addressed 'dear sir or madman."

current weight: 110.0

110 107.5 105 102.5

100

Posts: 796
7/30/09 3:20 P

What do you call a womna with only one leg?

Ilene!

current weight: 268.3

335 302.5 270 237.5

205

SparkPoints: (5,348)
Fitness Minutes: (3,247)
Posts: 209
7/30/09 11:31 A

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

current weight: 345.0

365 323.5 282 240.5

199

Posts: 264
7/30/09 1:57 A

a husband complain to his wife that he needs more space so his wife pushes him out the front door and locked it the husband asked why did you do that? the wife replied you said you needed more space.

current weight: 110.0

110 107.5 105 102.5

100

SparkPoints: (17,704)
Fitness Minutes: (6,525)
Posts: 4,839
7/29/09 8:47 A

LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Now that’s funny.

current weight: 164.0

200 191 182 173

164

SparkPoints: (5,348)
Fitness Minutes: (3,247)
Posts: 209
7/29/09 8:40 A

A guy bursts into his house and shouts, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care - just get the hell out!"

current weight: 345.0

365 323.5 282 240.5

199

Posts: 264
7/28/09 1:14 P

the grass is always greener on the other side until you get there

current weight: 110.0

110 107.5 105 102.5

100

SparkPoints: (17,704)
Fitness Minutes: (6,525)
Posts: 4,839
7/28/09 7:14 A

Not really a joke but something to make you think:

How come a lot of single people want to be married, and a lot of married people want to be single?

current weight: 164.0

200 191 182 173

164

Posts: 264
7/27/09 3:03 P

i love snow cones the pounds should melt away so far it not working, that snow cones with ice cream in the centre and cream soda syrup and condense milk

current weight: 110.0

110 107.5 105 102.5

100

SparkPoints: (5,348)
Fitness Minutes: (3,247)
Posts: 209
7/27/09 8:03 A

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree
centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a
very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the
natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature
during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only
available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F)
will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees
C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes
approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is
6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216
calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat
as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss
is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the
faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted
glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts
1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature
normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020
calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240
calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the
process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes
83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37
cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are
really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza
(loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an
opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already
reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and
follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and
ice cream diet.

current weight: 345.0

365 323.5 282 240.5

199

Posts: 264
7/27/09 2:36 A

Doctor,I'm worried about my husband.His mind seems to be wandering." Don't worry,Mrs.Nordstrom. I know your husband. It won't get far."

current weight: 110.0

110 107.5 105 102.5

100

SparkPoints: (5,348)
Fitness Minutes: (3,247)
Posts: 209
7/26/09 7:40 A

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice rack. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Edited by: JLEWIS2201 at: 7/27/2009 (16:06)

current weight: 345.0

365 323.5 282 240.5

199

SparkPoints: (2,236)
Fitness Minutes: (928)
Posts: 80
7/22/09 12:50 P

These videos go along with the "Tech Support" joke a few posts up.
Welcome to the Internet Help Desk: www.deadtroll.com/video/livehelldesk.html

Keep Your Parents Off The Internet: www.deadtroll.com/video/parents.html

current weight: 210.0

220 203.25 186.5 169.75

153

Posts: 264
7/22/09 2:37 A

that's cute .

Edited by: PEPPER141 at: 7/22/2009 (02:39)

current weight: 110.0

110 107.5 105 102.5

100

SparkPoints: (17,704)
Fitness Minutes: (6,525)
Posts: 4,839
7/21/09 8:34 A

Two little boys, 11 and 9, were spending the summer with their grandmother. After a long day at the park, grandmother sent the boys to bed early.

“Be sure to say your prayers before getting in bed,” she told them.

So, the little ones kneeled beside their beds and the youngest one began his prayers, screaming at the top of his lungs. “I PRAY FOR A NEW VIDEO GAME!!! I PRAY FOR A NEW FOOTBALL!!! I PRAY FOR SOME NEW AIR JORDANS!!!”

His brother stopped him in disgust, “What’s wrong with you man? Why are you screaming like that? God isn’t hard of hearing.”

“No,” the 9 year old replied. “God may not be hard of hearing, but grandmother is.”

current weight: 164.0

200 191 182 173

164

Posts: 264
7/14/09 2:10 A

my doctor is wonderful. Once when i couldn't afford an operation, he touched up my X rays.

current weight: 110.0

110 107.5 105 102.5

100

SparkPoints: (661)
Fitness Minutes: (120)
Posts: 14
7/13/09 11:57 A

I like Ubuntu, but my work kees me in CentOS or SUSE most of the time.

Pounds lost: 2.8

0 18.75 37.5 56.25

75

SparkPoints: (2,236)
Fitness Minutes: (928)
Posts: 80
7/8/09 4:53 P

I prevent viruses like this: www.ubuntu.com

current weight: 210.0

220 203.25 186.5 169.75

153

SparkPoints: (661)
Fitness Minutes: (120)
Posts: 14
7/8/09 4:45 P

Amazing how true that is to life. I've had people ask me if spraying their PC with Lysol would prevent it from getting viruses....

Pounds lost: 2.8

0 18.75 37.5 56.25

75

SparkPoints: (661)
Fitness Minutes: (120)
Posts: 14
7/8/09 4:35 P

My son and I love good puns at the end of long stories. This was a beaut!

Pounds lost: 2.8

0 18.75 37.5 56.25

75

Posts: 1,580
7/8/09 4:29 P

*Tech Smoke*
A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE

current weight: 240.0

245 242.5 240 237.5

235

Posts: 2
7/8/09 4:10 P

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger - then it hit me...

Did you hear about the short fortune teller who escaped from prison? Now he's a small medium at large.

Posts: 264
7/8/09 3:54 A

Did you all hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? Now they fight tooth and nail.lol

current weight: 110.0

110 107.5 105 102.5

100

SparkPoints: (2,236)
Fitness Minutes: (928)
Posts: 80
7/7/09 9:30 P

The Legend of the Monster of Thames

By the 15th century, the Templar Knights had disappeared, but deep in the bowels of the British Museum in a case well sealed and protected lies a strange memorial to their impact on the city of London.

London of the early 12th century was on its way to becoming an impressive city, but its life and its blood was the Thames River. Without the river commerce would grind to a halt as the people of London discovered to their horror in 1216........

The first ships seemed simply to have disappeared, but the monster wasted little time in this caution. Soon, many Londoners had seen the gaping maw licked by flames dragging a hapless crew to its death. It was a fire salamander, and in the Autumn of 1216 it was estimated to be 40 feet long with jaws that gaped 10 feet wide.

By the spring of 1217, the monster was no longer a nuisance, it was a deadly plague. No boat could navigate the Thames... no raft was small enough, no ship was large enough to resist the demon of the Thames. Worse, the beast was growing! The latest reports called it 70 feet long with jaws opening 15 feet. Our instinct is to discount this absurd growth, and yet few could impeach its source.

He, our source, enters the story in August of 1217. London had begged, prayed, blasphemed, and killed in desperate attempts to exorcise or appease their curse; to no avail. On June 14, four men painted themselves with the Devil's Cross and proclaimed themselves the Dark Priests of the Beast. They built a ship and doused it in oil; then, they sailed it down the river. Dark Priests they may have been, but they died screaming like any man. On July 28, London sent three virgins (the youngest not yet 13) down the Thames to the monster. It was thought that this would appease the evil god: the monster's hunger exceeded even this atrocity.

On August 23, our source received his summons. His given name is lost in his chosen name: Honorus. He was a Templar Knight and possibly a saint. That morning, he was commanded to destroy the beast.

London in fear and desperation had turned to their most jealous weapon, the Templars... warrior monks who fought with the fierce, perhaps fanatic, frenzy of the devout. The city had exhausted all other options; the monks were its last hope, and Honorus was the greatest of the Knights.

The battle was truly a footnote to his preparation... Honorus ventured into the woods upstream from London. He forsook shelter, clothing, food, and sleep for four days, meditating on the coming struggle. When the four days ended, he stalked and killed a stag without weapon or aid. With the skin of the stag he made clothing; from its flesh he regained his strength; and with its guts, he lashed five logs into a raft fit for his purpose.

Honorus set the raft in motion. He had outfitted himself with the only item he would use in this fight which had not come out of the forest with him. A sword of Spanish steel, blue with the sky, lay in his lap. Soon, he felt the swell of the water disturb his raft: the monster was coming, yet he sat unmoving.

The beast broke the surface.

No human is perfect; a splinter of the collapsing raft clipped Honorus' left foot as he leapt into the water. He had timed his jump slightly too late, but no matter, the injury will not be important until after the battle.

The monster was above the water only momentarily; time enough for Honorus to drive his sword between two of its scales. The monster thrashed in pain, turning its exposed flesh from the steaming water. Honorus was lifted from the water as the beast rolled. He gauged his stroke and leapt, striking the monster's eye.

Angered and half blinded, the beast threw Honorus into the river and grasped him in its immense jaws. Honorus swam quickly past the teeth into the monster's mouth. Inside, the questing tongue scalded his feet as he searched for purchase again, and we shall ignore this injury for now.

Once he had braced himself inside the beast's mouth, pushing with all his strength against the slowly rising tongue, he took aim. Honorus had time to make only one thrust.

When his journal recalls these events, it attributes Honorus' "luck" in this battle to aid from the Divine. We do not wish to detract from the glory of God, but surely He will not envy His servant. Is it coincidence that Honorus' blade struck true to the brain? Honorus had already studied carefully the anatomy of the salamander a week before he was summoned to fight the beast. Did Honorus not know that the water's rush against the beast's exposed flank would cause it such pain? In his journal, "August 24: And once I am atop the beast and it has rolled from the water, where then to strike?"

Two weeks after Honorus was told to lift the curse of London, the beast was dead. The next day London celebrated Honorus; the town would live because of him. Three days later, gratitude had disappeared.

The body of the beast had lodged itself firmly in the mire less than half a mile downstream of London. Although it was yet intact (perhaps due to its incredible armor), it would surely soon rot. While not so great a terror, the rotting beast would be almost as dangerous as the live beast, attracting disease and scavengers. No ship could move the carcass. The people of London called upon Honorus.

Honorus' solution was difficult but practical, and he began as soon as he had retrieved his sword. He fasted for two days; then, he ate the cooked meat of the huge salamander and fasted for a third day. When he suffered no ill effects, Honorus began dissecting the beast. With the help of London, Honorus soon had all the usable meat and intestines of the dead beast transformed into sausage.

A bizarre solution it was, but a good one. The sausage was soon discovered to be excellent and to keep easily for very long periods of time. Even more important, the sausage fast became incredibly popular throughout England and much of Europe. It began to reestablish the fame of London's trade after the Hiatus of the Beast.

Still, Honorus has one final contribution to this history... It became vital that everyone knew from whence the incredible sausage of London came, and thus we return to Honorus' injuries.

After the battle with the live beast and the crisis of the dead beast, Honorus took time to recover. Six weeks after he was first summoned, he was dressing the injuries on his feet. The problems of London were known to him. As he dipped a strip of paper like gauze into a healing salve, he had a thought.

One week later, each sausage shipped from London carried a fascinating new development: a label. Just as the gauze dried and closed on Honorus' foot, the parchment around these sausages was attached; and all would know the fame of London from each link she sold.

In the end, despite all his other feats, it was this idea, the product label, that survived Honorus. In tribute to this advance, the British Museum houses the only known surviving label from Honorus' sausages.

And although even the tough gut of the Beast has long since faded to dust, the label may still be read. If our reader could go to the Museum and enter the Medieval wing's most treasured collection, she could still read, in faint letters, the Label of Honor: ... It Was The Beast Of Thames, It Was The Wurst Of Thames....

current weight: 210.0

220 203.25 186.5 169.75

153

Posts: 2
6/30/09 1:56 P

I KNEW the guys lounge had to be a lot of fun!

Here is one I like being a redhead:

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a blonde. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning herself. He said he didn't see any difference on the first two days, but after it sunk in on the third day, he came home to a clean house and the dishes were washed and put away.

The second man had married a brunette. He bragged that he had ordered his wife to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and all the cooking. He said he didn't see any results on the first day, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a redhead. He shared that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry done, and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye...just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and find the mower in the garage.

Posts: 264
6/24/09 3:07 P

that is too funny, live hard die young

current weight: 110.0

110 107.5 105 102.5

100

SparkPoints: (17,704)
Fitness Minutes: (6,525)
Posts: 4,839
6/23/09 2:23 P

Mr. and Mrs. Clark were in Divorce Court after many years of fighting and infidelity. The court finally absolved the marriage. At the hearing, the judge said, “Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.“

“Oh man, that’s good your honor,” Mr. Clark said with glee in his voice. “And every now and then I'll try to send her something too.”


Edited by: WILLBOYWONDER at: 6/23/2009 (14:23)

current weight: 164.0

200 191 182 173

164

SparkPoints: (17,704)
Fitness Minutes: (6,525)
Posts: 4,839
6/16/09 8:32 A

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. What about you?'

Leroy replied, 'No way man. I didn’t even know your wife back then .'

current weight: 164.0

200 191 182 173

164

Posts: 6
5/29/09 10:18 A

A couple that have been married for 20+ years, George and Betty, are at a friends place for a barbeque. All the men are standing around the hot plate and all the women are chatting at the table...
The men start talking about their wives.
George says "Have you seen my Betty lately? She's put on that much weight she looks like the ass end of this barbeque!!"
He turns around and Betty is standing behind him.
He think, oh no.. she heard me, she's going to be so mad at me.
Betty just says "George, it's time to go home."
So they gather their things and drive home.
Betty says nothing for the 20min drive home, and nothing for the rest of the night. George starts to think he got away with it, maybe she didn't hear him.
A week later, still nothing...

2 weeks after that, George is watching TV and Betty comes in wearing a beautiful new top. She goes over to George and gives a big kiss. She tells him to go upstairs. He runs up to the bedroom, rips off all his clothes and gets into bed. Betty comes in and starts doing a bit of a sexy dance, unbuttoning the top her shirt...and then stops..

George says "What are you doing? I thought we were gonna... you know"

Betty says "You don't think I'm gonna light this barbeque for that little piece of sausage do ya?"

current weight: 326.0

337 307.75 278.5 249.25

220

SparkPoints: (3,505)
Fitness Minutes: (4,440)
Posts: 55
5/27/09 10:59 P

does the doctor make housecalls, or is that too much walking? lol

current weight: 132.0

149 144 139 134

129

Posts: 148
5/27/09 7:43 A

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO, Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies..

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you....

current weight: 176.3

198 191 184 177

170

SparkPoints: (3,505)
Fitness Minutes: (4,440)
Posts: 55
5/23/09 9:07 P

I need some laughter.....where are the jokes...?

current weight: 132.0

149 144 139 134

129

SparkPoints: (3,505)
Fitness Minutes: (4,440)
Posts: 55
5/20/09 11:39 P

funny stuff

current weight: 132.0

149 144 139 134

129

Posts: 84
5/16/09 10:04 A

Loved Wills joke about the treasury agent

Pounds lost: 5.0

0 42.5 85 127.5

170

SparkPoints: (1,238)
Fitness Minutes: (793)
Posts: 64
5/15/09 12:14 P

I am a girl intruding and these jokes are hilarious.

Pounds lost: 1.0

0 23 46 69

92

Posts: 149
5/15/09 3:49 A

Q. How do you make a woman have a really good orgasm?
A. Who cares?

current weight: 198.0

215 206.25 197.5 188.75

180

Posts: 13,165
5/14/09 9:32 P

Nice new pic, Will! You've done well!

current weight: 165.0

190 183.5 177 170.5

164

Posts: 86
5/14/09 4:25 P

Yep, kinda went to the line and stopped.

current weight: 251.2

260.5 252.875 245.25 237.625

230

SparkPoints: (17,704)
Fitness Minutes: (6,525)
Posts: 4,839
5/14/09 1:03 P

An Treasury agent shows up at a man’s house looking for counterfeit bills.

“Here’s the search warrant sir. Try and stay our of my way and this will be done as quickly as possible,” the agent remarked with sarcasm in his voice.

“Okay,” the man replied. Just don’t go into the last room. Stay out of there.”

The agent reached into his pocket, removed his badge saying, “look a here, you see this badge? This badge gives me the power to go any darn where I please. Now, get outta my way.”

The agent made his way through the house and he finally reached the forbidden room. As he opened the door, he found himself staring straight into the eyes of a huge, snarling, drooling German shepherd. He turned to run and as he did, the dog sank its teeth in the agent’s leg, causing him to scream for help.

The home owner ran to see what all the ruckus was. When he arrived, the agent said, “Help me, call off your dog.”

“Hmp,” the homeowner said. Just show him your badge. Show him your badge, you nimrod.

current weight: 164.0

200 191 182 173

164