The things you are saying we take very seriously. If you are really having these thoughts, you need to call a suicide and/or crisis hotline right away. If you need help finding resources in your area, let me know and I would be happy to do that for you.
SparkPeople is a great place for support, but we are not equipped to deal with these kinds of issues. You need to talk to a professional who specializes in these kinds of things. They can help you work through these feelings so that you can deal with them and move forward in a positive way.
Please let us know if we can help.
"You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call "failure" is not the falling down but the staying down." Mary Pickford
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch."