Desire and resistance are two strong drives for me. I want change but I resist. I Desire things but I am to frightened to try. I have tied my own hands. With these two drives I feel so guilty when I do not make an attempt to change my life.
so I have to slowly face my fears to bring out the best of me because my fears are not helping me one bit. My fear is protective but it is not helping me grow.
my Father always took such good care of his children and in a way and ( I am not blaming him) but in a way all that codling has made things so frightening and painful and difficult in a world without him. I miss him so much. I keep a part of him in a flask around my neck.
typing these words is bringing a tear to my eye
so with my upbringing I have a desire to be saved, not be me but by someone else
and no one has offered to save me.
so I am now in self-pity and tears why can't I have everything I want ( not that serious)
Anyways, my daily task is to work on my self hatred and find a bit of joy and appreciate what I have and not complain so much, everyone life is a mess sometimes.
| current weight: 394.0