I am so sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time. Believe me, I know what it feels like (just read my blog...lol)
If there are any encouraging words I can provide, it's this: you are worth the effort. You are worth every bit of thought, love, and care that you put into yourself. Nothing is ever so bad that it is worth losing your health or your sanity.
I nearly died 2 1/2 years ago and seriously, everything in your life can be replaced except your health. If you have been prescribed anti-depressants, you NEED to be taking them regularly. It's Russian roulette if you go off meds too quickly or without a doctor's supervision. As someone who lives with severe clinical depression and panic disorder, my life turns upside down if I miss medication. I hate taking it, too, and wish it were different, but if I want to be healthy, I've got to do whatever it takes to BE healthy.
This may sound Pollyana-ish, but something that helps me every day is that I write down at least five things that I am grateful for. No matter how bad or how crappy or how crazy the day has been, I won't go to sleep without doing this. We spend too much of our lives fixing problems and so forget how much GOOD we experience every day. It may feel weird or silly at first, but believe me, it helps.
Hang in there!
All reality has its origin in our perception.
- Leonardo da Vinci
You are the light of the world; a city set on a mountain cannot be hidden.
- Matthew 5:14