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PATTYKLAVER
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7/27/14 4:14 P

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I was dragging again last night. I really thought about not going to church. But I did. Sat and talked with Cheryl and Kayla afterwards. Stopped at Wal Mart for awhile. It's 4 and that's about all I've done. Got to get up and move!

I'm blocking out the week a bit. I want to have more down time, more me time. Let's see how I do.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/26/14 4:01 A

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I can't sleep again. And I've been so tired this week. I'm not sure what's going on. I know that I was going full force for such a long time, but...I don't get it.

I went to the consignment shop. I took in a lot of stuff and managed to get $4. Between that and the books, at least I got $5. But it was a bit of work for little money.

I spent time with Mom today. She really didn't seem to hear anything I was trying to say to her. She wasn't interested in seeing the pictures or videos. The day before, she seemed interested. That's why I brought the computer over. It's like she says she misses me. But she's finally spending more time with Sharon and Barb and I get the feeling that I bore her because I don't have the time and money to take her places and go to the casino with her.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/25/14 8:28 A

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The picture project is coming along. It feels pretty good to actually say I am accomplishing something.

I want to take some stuff to the consignment store today. I did stop at the book store. I must find another one; this one doesn't buy near as much as it used to. It bought one for $1.00. But...I do plan my car trips so it wasn't out of my way.

I will spend some time with Mom this afternoon. I want to bring my computer and show her the videos.

My relationship with Tim still seems to be shaky. I'm not sure what is up with him and I get the impression that he's just very discontent.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/24/14 7:43 A

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I feel as if I am in another fork in the road. I've been physically just worn out this week, which again tells me that I'm doing way too much and most of it is not for me.

I did start the pictures that I've been threatening to do for at least three months. There are so many of Helena that I want to start but know I can't until the others are done.

My relationships are in need of re-thinking. Some I know I must let go of, some I need to work on, and I know that I should seek out others and diversify myself.

Am I at a redefining point in life? I am beginning to think so.


God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/23/14 9:20 A

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I'm starting to balance out, but have far to go.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/22/14 7:09 A

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I still feel down but know I must keep going forward. Keep doing what I enjoy. Keep striving to get the money to visit all my girls. Bonus: I will get to meet Lila when I go to Nova Scotia. Slowly but surely, I can do this!

I know the utilities will go down without the girls here. I will make a concerted effort to shut off the TV more. (and get in bed earlier!) Plan meals better. Exercise more. Be healthier within the month!

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/21/14 12:01 P

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I was useless yesterday because I was so tired. I was honest with Tim and told him I was having a hard day. I did tell him about getting the stuff to Sherry. When I mentioned getting it over to Kenny's work, he got mad at me, saying I never told him. So he stormed off for the walk without me. I thought he'd come back in a better mood. But then he told me that I should stay home and rest and he would take the stuff over. I gave him $10 for the tolls and $20 to put in the gas tank.

This morning, he told me that he used the $20 for something else - for the 3rd time this week. When I mentioned that I didn't have any money for gas to get to work, he told me to call in. He knows that I am desperate for money right now. I feel like he was so good to me for so long and just doesn't want to put any more effort into it. I don't know what to do.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/20/14 1:01 P

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I woke up about three and couldn't go back to sleep. So, I worked on organizing the photo albums for about 4 hours. Put a dent in them, but that's about it. I got to church and was so tired. I stopped at Wal Mart to return the formula and turn in the bottles. The formula needed the card and the bottle machines were all down. There was a parade at 14 and Garfield, so I had to go all the way to 15 to Kelly home. Gotta wake up!

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/19/14 8:23 A

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So far, I think I am a little better today. I will stay busy again today and take it one step at a time.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/18/14 4:21 P

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The dark cloud is still over my head, refusing to leave. I can't shake that my daughters and granddaughter need to be around me - no matter where.

I am trying to stay busy. It's almost 4:30 and so far, so good.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/17/14 8:01 A

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The wind was definitely out of my sails yesterday. Occasionally the sails hit me and knocked it out completely. I couldn't help but just start crying when I held my precious little girl. She sensed that her momma and me were out of sorts. She ended up with what I suspect was a good, old fashioned tummy ache last night.

I will be okay. I will have to talk to my girls more. I will visit them both in the next two months. I will spend time going through the junk I have and trying to sell what I can in the meantime to get up the money to go. I will not feel guilty about going and leaving the rest of the family to take care of Mom or the rest of the parishioners to take care of the church. I have to do what I have to do.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/16/14 10:25 A

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My days are busy with and for the baby. I don't know what I am going to do when she's gone. I realize that there are many things around the house for me to do and I need to spend time with Mom. But I have the mindset that I need to just spend time with her.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/15/14 10:13 A

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I still don't know where the dermatologist appointment is written down. I suspect I threw it away. I had two appointments for today. But, no money to pay for them and a baby to be with had me change them.

I am trying to come to terms with Sherry and Helena leaving on Thursday. Struggle isn't quite the word. I'm trying to think of it in terms of being able to spend time with Mom, going through my things, going through Mom's. I don't know how else to do it. I'm saying lots of prayers.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/14/14 9:35 A

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I have to call the mammography place and tell them where I went to the last few years. I wrote it down but don't remember where I put it. The same thing happened to the dermatologist appointment. I feel like I am so bad about forgetting lately. Gotta organize and get into a slower routine...!

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/13/14 3:55 P

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Mom had a wonderful time with the baby. She laughed and laughed and got Helena all wound up. It was good to see it. I'm glad I have the camcorder.

I am filled with dread of Sherry leaving. I want to be near them. I worry about the doctors finding something - I just got this baby - there's so much I want to do with her.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/12/14 10:20 A

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Helena and I had a great morning. I got out the camcorder and took footage of her wiggling, stretching, and talking to me. I'm glad I did it. The mail carrier came to the door with her passport. I so did not want to see that come. I know that Sherry told me three weeks after her birth that they would go to Nova Scotia for up to 6 months. I just don't want it to happen. I know it's being selfish, but I don't want to be away from them at this point in their lives. I'm bumming.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/11/14 7:30 P

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Sherry got really sick on me last night with a breast infection. Tim did not show up after work until about 10 and had too many drinks in him to be able to watch Helena or take Sherry to a clinic. So...I've been up most of the night taking care of them and all of today. I have to get Sherry up soon. She has to pump or it will get worse.

I got a letter stating that my mammogram has something on it that needs to be further studied.

I suspect my sister is taking money from mom again. Not an all around good day.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/10/14 9:28 A

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I've been wiping surfaces with bleach water for the last 3 days. My face looks 80% better. I hope that I will be able to hold my baby today. I am going to go over to Mom's and clean well. Sherry wants to take Helena over and we both want to make sure there are no germs.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/9/14 12:56 A

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The doctor told me I looked like I might have a staph infection and put me on antibiotics. He continued the anti-fungal pills for my nail. He sounded like it was no big deal. I came home and helped with Helena for awhile. Then I mentioned to Sherry what he said and she got a little paranoid. So...the doctors say that I should not touch her for 1-2 days. Poor babies - neither one got much sleep all day. By the end of the night both of them were frazzled. I hope today goes better.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/8/14 8:28 A

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My well being and self esteem is not where it should be. I know I gained weight and am not happy. I know my weaknesses and can't seem to do anything about them. Where is my motivation?

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/7/14 10:44 A

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I am feeling overwhelmed this morning. Too much to do...trying to take care of Sherry, Helena and Mom, money, Tim, etc. I will go walking with someone new today. I am hoping that helps.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/6/14 12:59 P

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I am still struggling. Sherry's upset because Daryl is going back today. Tim is not happy - with me, with his job, with where he's living. No matter what I have done this week, it hasn't been right. Four times this week, he went out to "let off steam". I just don't know where this is headed. Mom had diarrhea again last night. We were going to bring Helena over today but now we don't take the chance. Sherry so wants her to see the baby. She's feeling guilty that she wasn't over during the week. She's afraid of what will happen.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/5/14 9:21 A

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I was a little down yesterday afternoon. Tim had gone out and was gone a bit longer than he told me. Sherry, Daryl and Helena went out. I was here by myself on a holiday. Mom called mad at me because Barb had questioned where things were.

It got better when everyone came home. There were a lot of fireworks in the neighborhood and it was great just to watch them.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/4/14 2:32 P

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I did get out a little. I stopped by Mom's, a garage sale, and Babies R Us. I came back to Sherry hurting really badly. She won't go have it looked at. She's miserable and I worry. Daryl is supposed to go back to NS tomorrow or Sunday. Then it will be just me and Sherry. Monday - dr. appt for me and mom, Tues - 2 dr. appts. Wed. and Thurs. - babysit.
I didn't want to go back to babysitting, but Sherry pretty much insisted. Yes, I need to pay off some bills and try to save to go there and to AL., but they need me right now.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/3/14 8:00 A

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Yesterday was spent mostly at home with the baby. I gave her a bath and cuddled her and talked with her a lot. Sherry and Daryl took her to get her passport application started. They expedited it and it may come as soon as 10 days. When they told me that, it hit me hard. I guess I had it in my head that Sherry and Helena would be here for at least three weeks.

I worry so much about them going to Halifax. Helena won't have health insurance. Sherry won't have support. I've been watching Daryl. He's been okay as far as pitching in with Helena, but just okay. Mostly, Sherry has pretty much told him he was going to do something. It doesn't come natural to him. Granted, it doesn't for most men. But Tim seems to be more natural around her. I prayed all day yesterday that God would help convince Sherry that she needs to be here.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/2/14 8:53 A

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Tim is discontent lately. I'm not a fan of the way he shows it, but it shows. Time for some long, hard thinking and working on a schedule that works for us. Like it or not, I have come to depend on his financial and motivational support. I would like for this to continue. This means yes to some things, no to others, and a definite change in the schedule and budget. I have to be prepared for everything.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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7/1/14 8:57 A

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Helena's jaundice got worse. I suspected as much when I was holding her. She's back in the hospital under the lights. Sarah mentioned that the doctor said she wasn't getting enough milk. I knew she was hungry; she let the whole world know. I gave Sherry a suggestion yesterday morning to give her a little bit of formula to get her to calm down. I figured she would calm down enough to start nursing. It worked. Sherry took a little bit of offense to it. I probably came across wrong again.

That's happening a lot lately. I have to concentrate on thinking before saying and choosing my words carefully. I know I'm overworked and not resting enough. Time to stop.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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6/30/14 9:47 A

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I'm sitting here typing one-handed holding Z tightly against me. Heaven.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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6/29/14 12:47 P

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Yesterday was a busy day. Clean, go to hospital, Kayla's party, clean - I was exhausted and my back hurt. It even hurt when I got up this morning.

I feel like I am a little depressed. Sarah will be going home soon. Randy left this morning. I'm not sure when Daryl will be heading back. I don't want Sherry and Helena to go to Nova Scotia. The older I get, the more I want the girls with me.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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6/28/14 10:15 A

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Helena Evelyn made her appearance at 9:24 pm. 7 pounds 4 ounces 20.5 inches. Sherry was fantastic. I got to stay in the room and see the birth. Couldn't help but cry. I have my third miracle.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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6/27/14 8:19 A

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We got up at 4 am to get to the hospital. We all thought the baby was going to be born today. After we got there, they were telling us that there was a problem with the paperwork. The doctor that scheduled the c-section was getting some flack. So, back to the house we went. We have a 10;40 doctor appointment with the doctors who don't want to do the c-section. Sherry will ask one more time. if they say no again, then it can possibly be scheduled for tomorrow.

I was so looking forward to being done and over with the pregnancy. it's been so hard on Sherry. i want to see this baby.


God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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6/25/14 8:19 A

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I've been given two weeks off from my babysitting job. I know that I've been debating about the job. It's a little bit of a drive. The dad can be a pain to deal with. The boys were more of a handful when I first started, but we seemed to fall into a good and comfortable habit. They seemed to calm down quite a bit for me. The hours that I put into it seemed to gradually grow to more that I had originally agreed upon.

But...I would take some projects with me and get them done. Although I spent a bit more money, at least I knew it was coming in. Like Tim said: I could find something else to get money coming in.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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6/24/14 9:21 A

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I've been sleeping a little better since I've stopped having a glass of wine before bed. I've been waking up earlier, like I used to. It's 9:20 and I ran the dishwasher, finished a load of clothes and went for my walk. It's been forever since I've had a walk done so early. When I first came back home, I would be done with my walk and exercises by 8 am every morning. Will I ever be able to get back into that habit?

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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6/23/14 8:44 A

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Life is still up in the air. I'm not getting much accomplished but I am plugging away.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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6/22/14 8:14 A

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I've been less active this week. We've all been sitting around trying to take care of Sherry and waiting for Baby Z. Between the stress of waiting and trying to take care of her, my activities are not what they should be. I've been wanting to pick at food more. Needless to say, I've got some water weight and a general feeling of being pudgy. Hurry up, Baby Z.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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6/21/14 9:25 A

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Sherry's surgery did nothing. It was a good thing I wasn't there. I picked up Daryl and brought Sherry home. I really am hoping that she will relax now.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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6/20/14 7:54 A

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Sherry had surgery to get rid of two of the big hemorrhoids. After surgery, she was hooked up to a fetal monitor. All of a sudden, I could hear the baby's heartbeat just go crazy. Come to find out, Sherry was having contractions every 4-6 minutes. She worried that Daryl wouldn't make it. Soon the contractions started slowing down. She had to spend the night anyway. Daryl will be here at 2:15. Hoping that it relaxes Sherry enough to let this baby be born. I can't wait.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/19/14 8:02 A

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Sarah's been here since Sunday. It's now Thursday. Other than a little bit of time in the morning, the only time that I have spent with her was when we took Tim to dinner. I so want to spend time with her. I wish we lived closer. I wish we both had more time.

Sherry's hemorrhoids were so bad yesterday that Sarah took her to the hospital. They drained one and she started passing blood clots. So they kept her for the night and Sarah stayed with her. I wanted to go down, but they insisted I not. They said there was no room and that Sherry would be released in the morning. But...I am Mom...I knew something wasn't right. I knew that she was getting very nervous about everything. I knew that something needed to be done for her to feel better.

They don't always tell me things because they don't want me to worry. Too late for that. I always worry about them and want the best. I realize that my anxiety has been up a little - so much has happened the past 8 months. But...

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/18/14 5:24 A

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It was just an odd and long day yesterday. I got things accomplished. They just weren't things that I set out to do.

I woke up late to go to the doctor. When I got there, he wasn't any help. He just referred me to three other doctors. So that makes two wasted trips to the office.

Most of the day was spent with Mom and getting things from Kayla for the baby. I worked on the yard and washed the things I did bring home.

Things that I normally do during the day: nothing was done. I felt out of place and very behind. I'm not sure if today will be any better, but I am hoping.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/17/14 2:52 P

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Sherry's one step closer to having the baby. Yeah!

Mom and I worked in the backyard today and ended up with three bags of garbage. I must admit it looked a lot better when we were done.

Haven't done much of what I needed to do yet, so I need to get moving.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/16/14 8:35 A

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I've been saying the wrong things to Sherry and she's been very emotional since Sarah got here. Give me strength!

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/15/14 2:50 P

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Sherry had an uncomfortable night last night and wasn't sure if her amniotic sack was leaking, so we made a run to the hospital. Everything checked out okay, and it really was a good experience to run down there, but it took a chunk our of the middle of the day.

I laugh at Sarah. My calm, cool daughter is absolutely nervous and is on her way up here now. We do need to get her and Daryl here, though.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/14/14 8:06 A

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Sherry mentioned yesterday that I seem on edge. She noticed my memory isn't always there and wondered if it was stress or maybe medicines that I am on. I know it's mostly stress. I remember when the girls were younger and I'd be working two jobs, running them around, and being a Girl Scout Leader. I always lost my keys and we'd be hunting them down to go somewhere.

I have really made an effort this week to try to get the house in order, the paperwork in order, even my purse in order. I must get back in the habit of doing paperwork and bills on a certain day or certain time. I should go back to when the girls were little and clean a room a day. It helped me to not feel overwhelmed or that I was behind. Why is it so hard to get back into this routine?

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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MVKNET
Posts: 214
6/13/14 8:15 A

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You sound like a trouper. Just read your post and am sending you a Spark Cheer. Praying for you that your day goes better. Praying that the Joy of the Lord will be your strength. emoticon
Marsha

I have my face like flint focused on the goal of losing weight and being healthy. I believe God led me to Spark People and with His strength and the mentoring of this website I will reach my goal.


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PATTYKLAVER
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6/13/14 8:04 A

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I found myself very anxious yesterday. Sherry just did not feel good. I didn't go babysit because I didn't want to be too far away. I got stuck doing errands that took FOREVER and that didn't help my anxiety at all. I am hoping today goes a little bit smoother. I will run errands in spurts so I am not away from Sherry as long. I will try to sit and do quiet things with her as to try to calm both of us down.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/12/14 7:45 A

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Mom, Barb, Sharon, Lisa, Taylor and I went to the casino yesterday. I didn't get in 8000 steps, but we did have fun. I suspect that it was the last time that Mom would go. It was Taylor's first time. She won a good bit of money on the first quarter she played. I was so happy for her.

Busy day today. I will have to tell Stephanie that today will have to be my last day babysitting until after the baby is born. Sherry is just too miserable and I hate leaving her alone. I certainly don't want her driving anywhere.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/11/14 8:40 A

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Yesterday morning, I changed the sheets on the beds. Something told me to go ahead and wash the sheets and the comforter on Sherry's bed in the Babies R Us detergent. I put it all in a bag when it was dry. That way, when Sherry has the baby, it's ready.

The doctor told Sherry that she wouldn't be surprised if the baby came by this weekend. We came home and did a few things around the house. Sherry got the bassinet out and I took the box to the dumpster. When I did that, I noticed the moon was almost full. I know that more babies are born when there is a full moon.

I am excited. I am panicked that the house won't be clean enough. I don't want to leave her. I can't wait - but on the other hand, I know that she will be going back to NS for a few months. I just need to get my budget under control so I can get up the money to go see her.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/10/14 8:02 A

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I actually slept pretty good last night. Lately, it's been bad. So I feel a little more motivated this morning. I know the baby will be here any time now, so that's another motivator. I know I need to get the house cleaned a bit and don't want to wait until the very last minute.

I want to be able to enjoy Z as much as I can. It bothers me that Sherry is determined to go back to Nova Scotia for a few months. I will miss so much. I also know that Sherry will need some emotional and physical help. The idea of her being there without family support is disconcerting.



God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/9/14 8:31 A

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I still feel like I am dragging. No energy. Things to do but no desire to do them. It's aggravating.

I've been daydreaming a bit, wishing I could win the lottery and knowing I never will. I could see a bit of land a little bit north of here. Enough land for three houses on the edges of the property: for me, Sarah and Sherry. In the middle, there would be a fire pit, a swimming pool, a picnic table, and lots of toys. A sandbox, a swing set, a swing for adults to sit on, mini bikes, a 4-wheeler, a horse shoe pit would be some of them. I'd have a clothesline to hang my clothes out in the summer. A garden would grow cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers, etc.

I would be close enough to the girls to see them when I want, but still we would have our own space. If I dream, it might as well be big.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/8/14 6:39 A

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I couldn't concentrate yesterday. Just one of those days. It aggravates me when I'm like that. I was criticized a bit by Tim. He asked questions and then called me out for repeating myself and going on for too long on one subject. I am not comfortable with my weight. He commented on my eating patterns. Both didn't set well.

Sherry tells me that I shouldn't be on medicines. (Tim will make comments here and there.) She tells me not to have the glass of wine that I am on. I have cut down.

So, I really have to evaluate myself. Get back into drinking more water. Quit buying wine and oatmeal. Stop all the medicines but my calcium, vitamin d, thyroid, and ADD medicine. Quit talking about what bothers me and what I have to go through to get some things done.

June 8, 2014 - Can I do it? Evaluate next Sunday.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/7/14 9:06 A

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Another day to try and see what I can accomplish. I do have a bridal shower to attend at 1. It will cut out a crucial chunk of the day - stopping to get ready and then having to change when done. But...I haven't been to a shower in awhile. I don't count Sherry's; I was too busy preparing and hosting and cleaning, etc.

I stopped and thought last night. I have been spending quality time with some family members during the last few weeks and I am grateful for that. Memories that can't be taken away. Sherry and I going to the DIA and to the shower. Tim, Sherry, Dylan and I going to Stony Creek and having an at-home movie night. Mom and I shopping and planting flowers. Simple yet memorable.

I just have this wish that I could do this with more family members, especially my Sarah. The older I get, the more I want her near me.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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ALICE_TENNIS
ALICE_TENNIS's Photo Posts: 226
6/6/14 5:56 P

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Hope you feel surrounded by peace and encouragement today. You are an amazing woman! emoticon



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PATTYKLAVER
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6/6/14 2:51 P

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Another day where it's almost 3 pm and I haven't gotten anything done. I was supposed to have a doctor appointment at 7:55. I spent all day yesterday on the phone and internet with Blue Cross to get a piece of paper the doctor wanted. I got there and was told that the doctor wasn't in. He was in the other office way out on Heydenrich. I didn't know there was another office. Neither did the man that came in right after me.

Then I went to take mom to her doctor appointment. We confirmed the appointment. After we were there for about 5 minutes, the nurse called us up and said that HAP didn't change the primary care doctor and she couldn't be seen until that's done.

We went to Kmart and I ended up helping her with her flowers. By the time I went to the grocery store and the bank and the gas station, it was after 2.

I do get so discouraged. I am busy from morning til night and I am getting farther and farther behind.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/5/14 9:29 A

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I could at least say that I have been spending quality time with some family members. I went to Kayla's graduation Tuesday night. Her boyfriend, Justin, laughed at how Harry and I talk to each other. We've just been doing it forever: banter back and forth but always be there for each other. Kayla choice of outfit was not one that I would have helped her pick out. She didn't do anything to her hair nor did she have make-up on. It made me realize all the more that I need to spend more time with her. Start on taking long walks together.

Sherry, Tim and I went to the Tiger game last night against Toronto. I don't think about her being pregnant really. But the reaction of other people made me realize that I have to get on the ball and clean the house really well. It is literally any time now. It seems like just yesterday that she told me that she was pregnant.

The Tigers led until the 6th inning and then started playing sloppy. Between that and the cackling female behind us with her drunk and cussing friends, we chose to head to the car in the 8th inning. It seems that a lot of people are getting under my skin lately. A definite sign that I'm still stressed and need to work on my attitude.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/4/14 1:52 A

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I am so ready for a change in my life. I am so sorry that I made the comment that I was a little bored and needed something to do. I haven't stopped since. I know that there is so much I have to do.

1. I want to take care of Sherry and get her things she needs. I need to do things that she can;t get done.
2. I need to spend more time with Mom. I need to sit and talk and do things with her as well as clean out her house. See what there is to sell and get it ready to sell,
3. I need to do the same thing at Harry's house. There's tons of stuff that he could sell or give back to my for some amount. Then he wouldn't be so "Eeorish" about it.
4. Go through this condo and get stuff to have a yard sale.
5. Have one between the three of us.
6. I promised that I'd help Donna do the same at Mrs. Ridlon's house.

Right there, these 6 things can literally keeps my busy for two whole months. Add babysitting. This takes a tole on my physically, mentally, and car-wise.
I'm tired. I can't sleep. My body says yes but my mind says "Oh Yeah!! I'm Staying UP!

What to do...what to do...


God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/3/14 10:00 A

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I found out this morning that the planner/journal will be taken off SP on June 10. I used it as a quick reference for things: steps, affirmation, focus, ?, what I did the day before, what I planned to do that day, how my energy, sleep, water, esteem and well being were. I will start putting it in here.

Yesterday: over 11000 good. affirmation: I can change. Focus: get healthier ?: How much can I get done? yesterday: babysit, journal, bills today: change beds, laundry, clean, Kayla graduation, energy 4 sleep 2 water 2 esteem 2 well being 2

I am in the mood to get things accomplished, to do what I want to do, to improve myself and help those around me. This may mean quitting the babysitting job for now. Like Sherry said, however, is that I can always find some way to make money. There's Avon,Tupperware, taking the knitting classes and selling stuff on Etsy, helping Mom and Harry go through their stuff and having a combined yard sale.

Lots to think about. There never seems to be time to do it lately, however.

I promised myself that I would take care of Mom and Sherry. I feel that I have been letting them down because of everything else that's been going on in my life. I don't like that. I HAVE to change things. I HAVE to put my foot down, take some me time, and figure it out.



God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/2/14 4:17 A

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Sundays are supposed to be lazy days. I promised Sherry and Tim that it would be. It wasn't. Again, I was guilted into doing for others and not for me. I have a long list of things I really need to get done. I haven't started any of them - again.

This really needs to stop. The merry-go-round is making me dizzy, not happy, and discontent. I am too old to be like this.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
6/1/14 4:34 P

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Life's definitely a journey. I realized today in church that, indeed, I do need to sit back and re-think and organize things in my life right now. Make it simpler. Do for me.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
5/31/14 7:55 A

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My attitude has not been good all week. I am aggravated with myself because I haven't been as active as I should have been. I haven't spent as much time with my family as I wanted to. My finances are screwed up. I can't find my Quicken disc to put my checkbook in it.

I had such a good weekend last weekend. I feel like I've been punished for it. I know that isn't right, but I can't help it right now.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
5/30/14 8:57 P

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Long two days of babysitting! My back hurts from holding a teething baby. I have trouble with my checkbook and have yet to figure it out. It's already 9 and I'm in for a long night.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
5/29/14 10:30 A

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I am definitely in a down mood today. When I took Mom to the doctor, he told us that he didn't say to stop taking the thyroid medicine. We both heard him and I wrote it down. Jeff criticized me for something his kids did in front of him, like I showed them how to do it. Sherry gets down on me for taking pills to help me sleep, especially if I have a glass of wine.

Okay, I know I need to stop the wine. I don't like to be on a lot of medicines. Time to keep trying. I am also not happy with my weight. Maybe this will help it. And I need to get my act together and eat better and exercise more.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
5/28/14 3:37 A

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After working at Mom's house yesterday and running to the stores between the heavy rain, I didn't feel that I accomplished much yesterday. With the baby coming any time now, I feel an urgency to get things done around here and at Mom's before the baby comes. I want to spend as much time as I can with the baby while I can.

I so do not want Sherry and the baby to go to Nova Scotia for a few months. I know the baby will grow so much, even if Sherry said that the longest she will be there is 6 months. Sherry will not have the support that I think she needs and deserves while she's out there. It's not that I don't think that Daryl doesn't love her in his own way, it's just that I don't think he has the concept of how to raise and support the baby and Sherry. The way he grew up was unconventional and he just never knew the right way to nurture a baby or support another person emotionally.

Sherry talked to him last night and came out of the room crying and upset - again. Oh, to have some land up in the Romeo-Armada area where she could have a place on one side and I could have one on the other side. We could have a pool, a fire pit, a big play-set, a sand box and lots of land for the baby to play and explore. We could have a garden and hang our clothes outside in the summer. We could sit and have picnics and fires in the summer time and hardly ever go inside. If I am going to dream, it might as well be big.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
5/27/14 12:22 A

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A quiet day...we did some laundry and a little house work. I washed the sheets and took them to Mom's to hang on her line. I love the smell and am missing the fact that I don't have a yard to do this all the time. I really should have been doing this more the past few years. Just never was ambitious enough to do it.

I tried to work on Shannon's taxes. I didn't get anywhere, although I tried to play with the figures. I'll have to tell her tomorrow that I tried....I must re-do my taxes still. I certainly need the money.

I don't want Sherry and the baby to go back to Nova Scotia. I feel she won't be happy. I think she will have so much more support here. But....

I have to get back to doing what I want to do for me. Exercise more. Get back into nature more. Try new things. Have a simple life again.

I realize that it may not get simple until I get mom settled. Sharon and I can't get in to the VA until next week. Meanwhile, I need to get back to Mom's and help her go through some stuff. I found out today that she has some curtains upstairs and some matching ones in the basement. Gotta take care of that.

There's so much there that can be sold. I must go through the stuff with her and see what I can put into a garage sale for her. I thought of contacting the Masonic Temple on Gratiot. I know that on Thursday, they have a "garage sale" there. I don't know how much they charge or what it entails. I will check this Thursday for sure.

I have to get rid of stuff in here. Tim commented the other day about it being cramped. I know we will probably be moving soon. I'd just as soon get rid of things now, make some money on it, and pay off some of my debt.

I tried the 100 day challenge to not spend wasteful money. I did tonight. I bought some shirts for $5 each and another bathing suit. I do want to go to the beach more this summer.

Must get back into exercising and walking like I was. I don't like how I look. Sherry talked me into a different hair color, different brand. I put it on this morning and we both thought we saw gray hairs still. I will look in the morning when I stop at Walgreen's. I ordered more pictures. I must get more photo albums and work on my scrapbook and grandparent book for Z.

So much I want to do...so little time.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
5/26/14 5:09 A

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After church, Sherry, Tim, Dylan and I went to Stony Creek. We got there about 2:15 and didn't get home until 8:30ish. It was a relaxing, enjoyable day. Dylan and I rented what looked like an over-sized surfboard with a paddle and took it in the water. We tried so hard to balance on it. The farther we got out, the harder it seemed to be able to stay on it. I can't remember the last time I laughed like that. We played Frisbee for awhile and Tim showed Dylan how to disc golf. We had no idea that we'd be there as long as we were. I thought for sure that I'd sleep good. Sherry and I were both up during the night.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
5/25/14 8:53 A

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I had a relaxing day yesterday - the first in awhile. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
PATTYKLAVER's Photo Posts: 115,905
5/24/14 8:54 A

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My knees are retaining water. Don't know what I did. It's been years since they have done this. My lower back, by the end of the night, is really bad. I'm going to have to go to the orthopedic doctor and see what he can do for me.

I got the taking too many pills speech again at dinner. Thyroid, vitamins, ADD, clonazepam, Zoloft, occasionally a pain pill or a sleeping pill. I thought I was so much better. I had eliminated so many pills and really thought I functioned okay. When I hurt so bad last night, I didn't want to take a pain pill. Especially after the speech again. I had to break down and do it. I wouldn't have been able to fall asleep otherwise.

I do have a glass of wine at night a lot of nights. Part of the speech was about this. I guess it's time to take a long, hard look at everything and make a decision. I am afraid of going into another depression. I will have to give it a shot. Sherry wants me to be around for the baby.


God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/23/14 7:32 A

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I read a blog that I had posted last night. So many typos! Sherry told me again what I already know. I am doing too much, giving too much to others and nothing for me. I am forgetting a LOT of things lately, which is a definite sign. I have to slow down. I have to do for me. Have to - have to.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/22/14 10:08 A

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I need to get my life in order. I have been trying all year and have not gotten anywhere. I want more time with family, more time outside, more time to enjoy. How do I do this? Obviously, wanting is not enough. DOING has to take place. One step at a time. I will get something in place by the end of the month!!!


God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/21/14 8:26 A

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Tim pointed out that I always start to do something and somehow get interrupted. Yeah, it certainly seems that way. If it's not a family member needing something, it's a church member needing something. I must try to finish up the projects that I want and need to get done for me. It's definitely a priority right now. I have to be ready for the baby. I have to figure out where I stand money-wise so I can plan how long I babysit, get things paid off, and start living more within my budget. I started last night and didn't get too far. I will continue to work on it again today.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/20/14 8:58 A

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I am still concerned about my relationship with Tim. He just seems to be a little grouchy lately and slightly avoiding me. I tried to talk to him about maybe trying to get into some low-income trailer parks. No feedback from him.

I know I've been busy lately. I know that we did seem to spend more time talking and doing before. He's still there to support me, but...I'm worried. I feel like he may be thinking that I am too difficult to live with. Or he may just feel like he's better off alone.

If something happens that he does decide to go on his own, I don't know what I will do. I would miss him terribly. Although the money he gives me is inconsistent, I still rely on it. My spending habits have gone overboard lately. I need to sit down and figure out how much I owe and how to tighten things up again. Take a good look at exactly what I can afford.

I don't know how much longer babysitting will last. I'm not sure they are comfortable with me. I know the boys like me. But I think that they are under the impression that I let the boys do too much - things that they wouldn't let them do. I got used to having that little extra coming in each week. And heaven knows that it's helped with the baby coming.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/19/14 8:11 A

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I must be relaxing a little bit. I don't feel quite as stressed. I haven't done much of the things that I wanted to do and still feel that they are pressing on me. At least I am almost done with the EYSJ class. Just one more piece of homework. Interesting class, but I'm ready for it to be done. I do enjoy the daily written journaling. I usually pick one or two motivational saying and think about them.

I feel that I need to work on my relationship with Tim. It doesn't seem quite right to me. He's been a little aloof and was a little snippy with me yesterday.

My spending habits have got to change. I must work on getting things paid off and really not spend so much. With babysitting and the baby coming, I did get carried away. My relationship with Tim seems uncertain at this time. He originally told me he would give me $250 a week. Most times lately it's been from $100-$200. I've got to get bills paid down. I have to get back into and under my budget. I'm not sure when I can update this, but must pencil it in.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/18/14 3:45 P

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I got a couple things done here and there, mostly at Mom's though. The past couple mornings, I've been waking up at 6 like I used to and was a little productive in the morning. By 8 last night, I was exhausted.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/17/14 7:56 A

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Maybe I shouldn't write this, but life hasn't been quite as stressful. I still feel the stress and Sherry will comment on times that she can see it in me. But somehow my attitude has shifted. I've given up on some things, I think.

I know I have to email Judy and tell her that I have to take a break from Altar Guild for at least a month. Then I can decide if I want to continue or not. It takes me 25 minutes to get there, and if there are 3 of us, we can b done within 20 minutes. 50 minutes of driving doesn't seem worth the trip. That's almost two hours that I could be doing something else.

The condo and Mom's house have to be gone through. Mom's is worse that mine but they still both need to be done. Mom's is more of a do quickly - her short-term memory has gotten worse very quickly. I don't know how long she can be there by herself.

I wish that Sherry would not feel so guilty about me helping her. I'm her mom, it's my nature to help, she needs help. I'm sure that when I get older, she will help me. I know she has helped me when I've been sick.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/16/14 7:27 A

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I had one written and poof! It was gone. Story of my life.

I have so much homework in my EYSJ class that I need to do by tomorrow at 4. Don't know how I am going to get it done, but will try my best. The church did pay a bit of money for the class and I'd hate to let them down nor do I want to give up. It's one of the very few things I have done for myself lately.

I decided I will have to give up doing the Altar Guild. As long as Pam continues to be there with Edith, it doesn't make sense to drive 25 minutes each way to do 15 minutes of work. I can use the time to do something more pressing.

Must work on my budget and re-do my taxes. I'm not sure why the state decided to not give me a refund when I know my return wasn't done any differently than last year. I came across Shannon's yesterday. I had completely forgotten that I told her I would do it.

My relationship with Tim seems to be shaky. I don't have time to spend with him. He's doing things I would rather he not do. I'm probably doing things he doesn't like. He talks about moving and tells me I can move with him or stay put. This isn't the way a couple talks. I need to get myself straightened out and then need to sit and talk with him.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/15/14 9:09 A

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Sherry has had a bad couple of days. I try to help, but don't seem to get too far. I feel bad about it.

I must get my EYSJ things done by Saturday. Ouch!

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/14/14 9:05 A

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I spent the afternoon at Mom's: changing sheets, cleaning the kitchen, laundry, helping in the yard, going to the store. When I was at the first store, it started raining. I tore back to the house in hopes of getting the laundry hanging on the line down before it rained there. Almost made it. It stopped raining and I went to the second store. When I came out, it was raining sideways. I looked like a drowned rat. Mom wanted to give me some dry clothes of hers. It wouldn't have done any good. It was still raining. When I got home, I realized that I lost my tracker. Bummer!

Sherry had a terrible night. She cried about everything. I tried my best to get her to understand that I was there to help, but....I don;t know what to tell her anymore.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/13/14 6:10 A

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Another day of a little reflection and not getting too much done of what I wanted to accomplish. I got about 2.5 hours of sleep and woke up at 1 am. It's now 6. I did get Mom's paperwork updated and some paperwork that was sitting on the table. It's never ending. It has babies when the lights are out.

The closets are still a mess. The rest of the house needs a good cleaning and organizing. It's driving me crazy that I can't get to it. I'll get one thing done and ten more pop up. I want to work on a schedule and new goals. But I've yet to be able to take the time to do it.

Sherry's computer needs a new cord. So, we've been sharing this computer. Neither of us are really able to do all the computer work that we want to. It has made me all too aware of how much I am on the computer. At least I know that I am not playing games like I used to.

Getting Mom more straightened around and organized will free up some time. But I can't say how long that will take me. All four children know that she has to move soon - well, Barb is living in a denial bubble. But it still falls to me to go over and get Mom to her appointments, do banking and bill paying, and cleaning and organizing the house. She's lived in the house for 60 years - the last 26 on her own. She has collected quite a few things in these years; being raised poor, she tends to keep things "just in case".

I got to go through a lot of paperwork when she went through the phase where she kept losing her checkbook. I went through and threw out a lot of stuff when she was in the hospital and rehabilitation center. But I still haven't put much of a dent in it. I think I was able to get one big garbage bag of junk out a couple Sunday's ago when she took a nap. I will head over about 11 today to see what I can do while Sherry gets caught up on the computer.

I am hoping to spend some time cleaning this place a little today, especially since I babysit tomorrow and Thursday. But...will I have the time?

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/12/14 8:37 A

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Yesterday was a wonderful Mother's Day. I didn't "accomplish" much, but spent quality time with people who are dear to me. I wish I could have skyped with Sarah, but we ran out of time. When we did get a chance to talk, we were so tired that the conversation didn't go far.

The weekend did me some good. I'm a little less stressed. I still have to take the time to sit back and decide my goals and dreams. I'm doing so much for others that my body and soul are crying for time to re-energize. It's so hard to cut back when there is no time to sit and decide what to cut back on.

I have a feeling that the babysitting job will be something to decide on. I mostly enjoy the boys, it's not hard unless they have one of their "fighting" days and it's under-the-table money that I desperately need at this time. But, the baby will be born soon. There's still things to get for the baby. I have spent a bit of money on the baby - I charged more and must get those bills down.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/11/14 1:46 P

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I had a day and a half where I wasn't running full force. Amazing!

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/10/14 9:39 A

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Once I was home at about 1, I actually got to stay home the rest of the day. I got a bit of what I wanted to do done. It really felt good. I am hoping I can have another day like that today.

I still have to sit and think and figure out what I want to do. I don't want to be frazzled anymore. I want me time, family time, baby time. Lots of decisions though.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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PATTYKLAVER
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5/9/14 9:15 A

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It was a gorgeous day yesterday: sunny and 86. Sherry and I took a small walk; the boys and I did, too. They were mostly good. Aiden didn't want to turn around and walk back so he cried and pulled against me the whole way back. But once home, he was good again. It's definitely a battle of wills with him at times. He is talking to me more, however. I wonder if his parents ever talk with him. I suspect ADHD, but I also suspect wanting attention.

God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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