ugh. I just need to vent this and put it all out here...maybe get a bit of feedback.
Long story short: The past 2 years have been very stressful. We've moved 2 times, acquired more debt, I've had to start working in a job I don't really love to help get our family out of financial distress, and just all the changes that go along with that such as starting new routines, looking for new schools and daycares for the children. And then there's the "normal" stress of raising a 2 and 4 year old and juggling the household. (I do have a great and helpful husband to help with that)
I've struggled with my weight for almost 10 years (starting in my mid 20's). For the past 5 years or so, whenever I hit about 155 and start to feel better about myself, I hit a downward spiral for one reason or another and gain the weight back. I was determined, after working so hard all summer, that it would not happen this time, but stress got to me from my daughter not adjusting well to a new school at first, and me not adjusting we to working PRN in crappy dental offices, not being able to get into a normal routine and mourning the loss of being a stay at home mom with my wonderful kids...well, I ate my feelings. and ate and ate and ate.
Like many moms, after my kids were born, it was the happiest I've ever been in my life. Really, I knew it was going to be wonderful, but I could never have imagined how great life could be until it happened to me. Then I found my calling in life. I'm good at being a "stay at home mom". (the stay at home part is SO inaccurate). I don't say that to sound boastful, because I do not claim to be perfect by any stretch of the imagination. All I'm saying is that it is my passion, I enjoy it and my children are happy, healthy, and smart. And they enjoy the time we spend together too. They are learning, having fun and being loved.
I feel like things have sort of fallen apart. Our financial situation has forced us to move into a tiny 2 bedroom home in need of repair, that is a constant reminder that we are not where we should be. I have to give up my dream come true of being a full time mommy and I miss it terribly. When I am at work I daydream about what my kids and I would be doing if I were home (the library, the park, painting, having a tea party, playing in the yard...)
I know things could be much worse. If we really focus on getting out of debt, we should be out of this mess in 3 years. I try to count my many blessings everyday to help get me out of this slump. I know I am so blessed to have 2 healthy kids, a great husband, and roof over my head. I am blessed to have a good paying career. I am blessed with so much...and yet I find my hand in a box of cookies.
Why am I doing this to myself? I'm sabotaging all my hard work. How can I break this terrible, cycle?
| current weight: 200.0