I definitely self sabotage also. I got 5 pounds away from my '100th pound lost', and then I freaked out and sabotaged myself. Thankfully, I didn't stray too far, but the point is, I have reached this point a couple of times, and every single time, I've self-sabotaged.
I notice a difference in the way people treat me, and at first it made me VERY angry, but I did realize something: Maybe people weren't talking to me because I put off the "angry fat girl" vibe. Looking back, I WAS angry. I was upset because I was that size, and I felt unworthy and ugly, but then I thought about how society didn't allow "people like me" to feel beautiful, and then I'd get even more angry. The only person who ever made me feel beautiful is my fiance-who was with me when I was my largest, and is with me as I continue this journey.
Since then, I've definitely been healing those emotional wounds. No body wants to be seen as just an object. We are more than our looks. We are our intelligence, our beliefs, our abilities, dreams, and fears. There will always be some creep out there, but for every creep, there are nice people who actually will like you for you.
For a long time, I was worried about what other people thought. I believed that I was over it because I didn't care anymore, and I go to the gym and don't care what anyone things, but then again, am I really over that? Being afraid in the other direction is still caring about what other people think.
Sorry to rant, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand your struggle. It's frustrating, and it seems like we're darned if we do, and darned if we don't.
Don't ever let anyone else tell you who you can be
| current weight: 283.0