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motivating my husband?



 
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CARMENRENE323
Posts: 1
9/5/13 12:31 P

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I'm having the same problem. He said he doesn't like to sweat and needs to eat bad foods because he's so stressed right now. He doesn't get that he'll feel so empowered and in cortrol if he makes these lifestyle changes. I know I do! I've tried everything from explaining that I care about his health, encouragement, saying nothing, and (ashamed of myself) bullying. I'm so frustrated! Since it's been a while since your last post, have you found anything that works?



SWANATOPIA
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1/18/13 3:17 A

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I joined Spark almost a year ago and quickly changed everything that I had control of; shopping, cooking, portion control, no budgets for fast food.....nobody got to vote on these changes.....

At first, when my husband seen I was cooking healthier, he would eat double portions of meat. So, I slowly started cooking just enough for four and no leftovers....he eventually got adjusted after stating I was trying to starve him........so dramatic :~)

I think he's starting to catch on to my agenda after we had to go buy him a belt a few weeks ago...lol. My son has lost 23 pounds in the last year just from eating healthier. I try and make the meals really good (spark Recipes) and get creative....

Thankfully, when I decided to quit smoking, he did as well. I didn't ask him or tell him too. I guess, he just figured....might as well...lol. He did gain weight when he quit but because I was exercising, I never did. This is why I had to manage the portions because if I didn't he would have switched one habit with another......

Edited by: SWANATOPIA at: 1/18/2013 (03:22)
Jennifer

Trials are like FIRE; it can destroy or strengthen you, depending on your character and outlook in life. REMEMBER! The fire that melts butter, is the same fire that hardens steel.


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SLIMMERKIWI
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1/18/13 3:14 A



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I had this problem with my husband - not so much with food but rather with cigarettes and alcohol. He was a VERY heavy smoker and had heart attacks because of it. Every time I raised the subject of his using the patches to give up smoking, and cutting out/back on alcohol (alcoholic) with support from a Therapist, he told me point blank that he ENJOYED smoking and drinking and that he was going to continue. He was well aware of the possible outcome. Even his Cardiologist told him after his first heart attack that smoking was the sole cause of it. He told him that if he gave up smoking, he (Cardiologist) likened it to blind folding him and sending him across the road directly outside the Entrance to the hospital - he would be perfectly safe. He THEN said that if he continued to smoke, it would be like blindfolding him and sending him across the busiest road in Auckland (our biggest city) at peak rush hour - he WOULD be hit - not necessarily today, but it would happen. Hubby STILL chose to continue. He wasn't overweight, tho', because he was always very active. He died last month at the age of 59. I had to accept years ago that it was his choice, and that I had to learn to allow him that.

What I am getting at is that we all have to make choices for ourselves, but ultimately we are each responsible for what we put into our body. Your husband knows the risks, so altho' I totally sympathize and empathize with you, it is his choice to make.

One thing that you CAN do (sneakily) is to gradually change what you eat and the portions, and do the same with him. I made heaps of casseroles and soups which were (are)_ heavily laden with veges, and also added a fair bit of lentils in to add protein and fibre. They were super healthy. Hubby didn't care what was in them so long as they tasted good. Odds are your husband won't notice that part of it. I changed from full-fat 'healthy' margarine spread to a low fat version. He didn't twig to that, either. It reduced his fat consumption by heaps because he always piled it on real thick. I sometimes got a heavily fat-reduced one, too, which cut loads more fat/calories off his intake. He liked cheese. Because I had weight and cholesterol issues, I buy a low-fat Tasty Cheddar. He liked it and ate it, but didn't seem realize the health benefits. IF he was aware of it, he certainly didn't say anything. He would sometimes eat 4-5 oz of cheese in one hit, so there was a huge saving in fat/calories there, too. Because of that I started to only buy a 250g (just over 8oz) cheese and that had to last a week. If it wasn't there he couldn't eat it. You may not be able to totally change his lifestyle, but that might have a considerable impact which will help his long-term health.

Good luck,
Kris

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RENNMAR
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1/18/13 1:27 A

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you guys have all given me great ideas! thank you all so much! i feel motivated enough for the both of us



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MEGANSWORLD
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1/17/13 7:58 P

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Sometimes all you can do is lead by example. When he's ready to follow, he will. Until then, don't let him get you off track. Invite him out on evening walks (and go alone if he declines), buy those bikes and take some rides (whether he's with you or not), learn some new recipes to try together. In time, he'll see that you're serious and get on board.



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LISSA1976
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1/17/13 7:52 P

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Well, I had this problem with my live in boyfriend a while back. I just wanted him to be healthier, feel better. At 6'5 he can carry some weight, but I noticed some significant changes... And he did too, but still believed that he was under a certain weight. Yep, and I'm Kate Moss. ;)

Anyhow, the first thing I did was change his eating without him knowing. He doesn't like certain things he says, but if only he knew how many times he ate hummus instead of a mayo garlic spread on a sandwhich, or I used skim milk instead of cream in a recipe, etc. Basically I skinnied up his meals, and that helped.

My next task was to get him moving. Since he is ultra competitive, I challenged him to wii fit challenge. So can unlock more stuff, etc. I don't care if he wins, in fact I hope he does. Maybe you can stop using the D word and just find something fun you both like to do. If he Ike's video games, and you have Xbox or something, try the Kinney and get moving.

I will add that on the first part of my spark journey when I went from a 16 to a 6 in jeans a few years ago, my then boyfriend never could get on board with the healthy lifestyle thing, and even resorted to calling me fat when I got to a size 6. Now, I am not at my goal or anything at a 6 ( I'm pretty petite), but that was uncalled for and some guys just can't ever get on board with you wanting to change for the better, a healthier version of yourself. I had to do it for me, not anyone else. I had to create my own support network.

And isn't that why you are on Spark? To put you first for a change, and find extra motivation and encouragement? Regardless of how when or if your hubbie gets on board, you are doing a great job by logging in and being here. And at the very least, let his sexy comments motivate you to keep going. Change the interpretation in your head. :) say thank you, say yep, I look good today, I stayed in my calories, and he must be noticing that my skin looks better since I drank all of my water. ;)

Message me anytime you need support. Best wishes!


____
"No one is perfect, that's why pencils have erasers." -Author Unknown


CMNOVAK
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1/17/13 3:03 P

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I was having the same problem at home. I finally had to sit down with my husband and have a heart to heart. I told him all of the reasons I want to lose weight. I also told him that he doesn't have to participate with me, but I do need his encouragement. I finally got it through his thick, man-skull that for me it isn't about looking hot or anything. It's that I used to love hiking and camping and being outdoors, but those things aren't fun anymore because my knees, back, hips and every other joint ache and I can't catch my breath. I also added that those things would be much more fun if he is able to do them with me. I don't know if it was me, or the fact that my son's pediatrician told us that our 6-year-old son is obese, but he is finally starting to come onboard. It also helps that he sees grocery shopping as a form of hell that should be avoided at all costs and I told him that I am not going to buy chips or ice cream anymore because those are my trigger foods. Good luck. emoticon

Cassie in Colorado


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DRAGONCHILDE
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1/17/13 2:56 P



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Unfortunately, there is no secret. You can't make someone who isn't ready to make these changes. You've heard that old saw about "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink?" That's what this is all about.

I feel you. I have a husband in denial about his weight. He's gained 30 lbs in the last year, and actually thought he weighed 185, when he was over 235! He refuses to eat healthy, constantly snacks on crap, and drinks soda like it's going out of style.

It's frustrating when the people we love see what we're doing, how positively it's affecting us, but won't join us.

But the thing is, he's an adult, and you can't force him into this. Motivation has to come from within. Did you start this journey because someone told you that you needed to, or because you decided it was time?

For starters, stop talking about dieting. Diets don't work; you guys have learned that lesson together already. Work within the diet you have already. When I got started, I changed nothing about what I ate but how much. I stuck to serving sizes. I ate two pieces of pizza instead of half of one. And I started losing. You don't have to DIET to lose weight!

This is a choice he has to make. He has to (to use AA lingo) hit his rock bottom before he is ready to change, and nothing you can do before then will help. Keep cooking healthy. Keep inviting him along when you exercise, but when he says no, leave it at that. You can't force him into this. He may never decide to join you; so far I"m going almost two years hoping mine will join me. He's starting to wake up and realize something has to change, but he's not quite there yet.

One day. :)

Edited by: DRAGONCHILDE at: 1/17/2013 (14:58)
Heather
Writer, mother, wife, and breadwinner. I love to run, but running doesn't love me, so I'm switching to my low-impact bike.

I'm not pregnant, just fat: My blog.

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RENNMAR
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1/17/13 2:22 P

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Thanks for all the responses, guys!
I'm not trying to change him, he's agreed to diet, he gets bored with it rather quickly though. I also cannot get this man to eat a green vegetable for the life of me. I have been asking him about exercise routines, I saw bikes on clearance and asked about that, and he said no. I used to be able to get him to go for walks with me, but it seems like since we lost motivation with that last diet, he's completely given up.
@Amy, I do think that a big part of why he's been acting the way he has is also because he's afraid of being left behind. I've set goals for myself in small increments in hopes that that will keep me motivated and I suggested that to him. He wants nothing to do with that. I live in Arizona, so it's kind of cold, but far from frigid and I really cannot get him to get off the couch and walk around the block with me.
I just wish I knew what I could do to motivate him, and I was hoping (poor word, but I cannot think of a better one) that someone else has had a similar situation and would share their secret.




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AGRAY619
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1/17/13 2:16 P

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I had a very similar situation at home. My hubby would even go buy the things I used to binge on hoping i'd gain anything I lost back just to prove to me how my dedication wouldn't be enough to bring change and weight loss.
One day we had a HUGE fight about me heading off to zumba once again. Once we got through all of the dumb stuff it was really about his want to change but his fear of failing himself. I understood that and was able to tell him how afraid I was for all of the things I was trying and doing. He didn't want to be left behind as I got healthy. So, we came up with a game plan of very small changes he is working on now. As he's more comfortable we were able to include more changes. He's even walking 2 miles on his lunch break in the frigid cold here in Michigan. Start small and let him come to you. Keep working and setting an example. When he sees just how dedicated you are he might also come along.

Good luck!
Amy



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DGEOGHEGAN
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1/17/13 2:11 P

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My husband hasn't joined me either, but he eats the food I eat and will go with me for a walk. That's as much "control" as I have over him. I am happy with myself, and he's proud of me but hasn't gotten motivated to join in. He has other things he's worked on, but at the end of the day you can't make someone else go where they don't want to. This lifestyle requires complete commitment and if they aren't in for it 100% they won't make the change needed.



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LUCKINLOVE
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1/17/13 2:01 P

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You can't force someone to do something they don't want. Hopefully your example will inspire him. Nagging won't help, as much as you might want to keep reminding him what you want him to do and what you want him to be. Be positive about the situation both verbally and by setting example. Try not to let this come between your relationship.



LUANN_IN_PA
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1/17/13 1:57 P

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"he still doesn't feel drive or motivation to change his habits."

Then he won't...
sorry.

Don't let him get you sidetracked though!
You can be a great example to him.

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
~ Randy Pausch

"There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results."
~ Art Turock

"We have a saying in Tibet: If a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good."
~ 7 Years in Tibet


LILLIPUTIANNA
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1/17/13 1:45 P

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Well, you can't force him then. People who change their lives because they feel pressured to do so, tend to fail in the long run. Let him do his thing.

Keep changing your habits. Your increased fitness will probably make him nervous. Maybe the insecurity from that will light a fire under his a**.

Edited by: LILLIPUTIANNA at: 1/17/2013 (13:46)

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RENNMAR
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1/17/13 1:18 P

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I have. He says he understands that, but he still doesn't feel drive or motivation to change his habits.



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LILLIPUTIANNA
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1/17/13 1:15 P

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Have you tried simply stating that you're worried about his health?

I told my husband that I wanted him to change the foods he eats, because I was worried about his heart. I said that I wanted him to live a good, long time...and I would never forgive myself if something happened to him and it was related to the food we had been eating!

It seems to have worked for me! (Unless my husband is sneaking Taco Bell and pizza during his lunch breaks at work!)



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RENNMAR
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1/17/13 1:00 P

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So, since i told my husband that i wanted to start dieting again, things have become different. He's constantly all over me, gushing about how sexy i am, which is not a common thing for him to do. I think he's trying to talk me out of it. Here's the thing though, I'm 240 lbs. he's in the 300's, and i have no idea how to make him see we need to do this.
I've told him to make goals, if he loses 15 lbs he can buy a new video game or toy or whatever. I told him if he sticks with it until summer, we can take a trip anywhere he wants. But he doesn't care about any of that.
I'm at a loss. I have problems motivating myself to begin with, and i really need his help. How do you motivate a man who fears change?



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