Now, stop that ! You are NOT disgusting !! Don't beat yourself up because you haven't been exercising or eating right as diligently as you were in past. Every single member of Spark People is an expert at gaining, losing and regaining the weight. You can't change the past. but, you CAN influence and change the future.
I'm going to give you a piece of advice I give to all new members and it's this,"don't look at good health or weight loss with an all or nothing mentality". If the only healthy thing you were to do for yourself today was drink 8 glasses of water, that's still a step in the right direction. Every little bit does make a difference. So, if you have been improving your eating habits, that's a positive.
How to get back to exercise ? Do you still have your Insanity DVDs ? If so, start the program again. Don't start where you were because you have lost some lean muscle. However, you CAN get that muscle back ! Start the program at the beginning. With time and regular practice, your lean muscle will increase.
But, you have to be patient !! Figure at least 4-6 weeks to see some subtle improvement and at least 2-3 months to get that lean muscle back. Start slowly. Don't try to do everything at once or you will end up frustrated. Do you have a set of resistance bands ? If not, you can find a set at any Target, Walmart, Sears, TJ Maxx, etc for cheap. Resistance bands and body weight exercises can be done at home.
As the old song goes,"accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative". Give yourself credit for the positive things you do and don't beat yourself up because you're not perfect. you do NOT have to be perfect to be healthy.
So, no more beatings. the beatings aren't productive. If you really want to change your body, you're going to have to do something about it. That means sitting down and setting some goals. Once you've decided what those goals will be, you determine what you need to do to achieve those goals.