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Also, to answer the question you posed in the title of the thread, the reason you don't hear from the people who are being pushed to lose weight, is that those people aren't nearly as committed to getting healthier as the people who are doing it for themselves. Sparkpeople is about finding it within yourself to have the motivation to get healthy and live better and not doing it just because someone else told you too.
Edited by: LEC358 at: 1/14/2014 (09:58)
I just wanted to reply again to the issue, because it really sounds like we've had similar experiences. In order to raise the subject of counseling, you may again want to call a domestic abuse hotline. The people there can put you in touch with counselors right there on the phone who can give many suggestions on approaching the subject with him, as well as recommending therapists and marriage counselors. Again, they will not push you to leave if you don't want to, but they will give you a support system.
Blessed be, Ferretgurl. Please feel free to get in touch with me if you need to talk to someone who has been there.
What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau
I do think there are posts on this site from people who feel like others are pushing them to lose weight. From Doctors to loved ones. To see ourselves objectively can be challenging and it seems possible that many of these 'pushers' are coming from a loving concern for the receipients wellness.
These are the Opinions I feel after reading you entire post:
Attraction involves more than our physical looks. Beauty also comes from within includes the harmony of our mind, body and spirit.
Dreading ahead is a waste of energy. Ditto for projecting negative feelings like bitterness and resentment. We have the choice to create our future, attitudes and all in a more positive manner.
Holding on to past habits that no longer serve us is stagnating.
Make the choice to be your own best friend and take the best possible care of her.
"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."
I have to say that I felt heartbroken reading your whole story. Heartbroken for the awful thoughts and feelings you are experiencing and the seeming "no win situation" you are in. Why lose the weight if he still won't be attracted to you? Because you are right its damn hard, really look at yourself in the mirror work that leaves you hungry and physically hurting some of the time. I totally agree that you must seek professional help. Your conversations with him sound like they are going in a circle. A non-biased, experienced professional will allow you the time and support to put your thoughts and feelings into words in a safe environment.
In terms of how to raise it with him, I would be straightforward and honest. Explain that you are worried that having the same discussions that either end in fighting or leave you feeling emotionally wounded is impacting how you feel about the marriage. That pattern has and will continue to damage the relationship. Invite him to join you with a marriage counselor and give it at least 3-6 sessions. If he refuses, seek help yourself. It is the bravest, strongest thing we can do when our own answers don't get us the results we seek.
Dare to do something different and see what happens. Be well and stay strong!
I'd go to counseling yourself first and use your therapist to help you find a strategy to ask your husband to go into counseling with you. Frankly, he sounds like a piece of work but you want to save your marriage so see if you can get him on board.
Just know this: a person who truly loves you will never make you feel lesser, they will always help you feel greater.
WHAT OTHER SIDE ?? DA !!
I am the same way with losing arguments...so I have a notebook where I write down how I feel and the things I want to say. It is really helpful...but I hope no one ever finds it!
Thank you Salam hearing your experience, that Youve felt some of things I am and are getting through it, is encouraging, makes me feel like there is hope for me to get past it too. Your not the first person to suggest marriage counseling and I agree but I don't know how to suggest it. I'm also very bad at expressing my thoughts and feelings, the real tough ones at least, on the spot. That's part of why I probably lose all the arguments in the relationship, I just can't think fast enough when I'm emotional. Writing, that's easy, I have time to compose what I mean to say..if that makes sense.
Has anybody got tips on how to approach the subject of counseling with him?
Thanks for all the support everyone.
I am in a similar situation. My husband and I separated 2 years ago due to his emotional and spiritual abuse. Although I don't believe in divorce I see how much of a positive impact this separation has had for my kids and me. However, I gained almost 60 lbs. in that time. I really want to lose the weight and get on with my life ( not skinny, just not obese...I'd like to be average and healthy). However, he is always at my place, and I feel he is manipulating me so he can live there again, in spite of the fact that we are not really attracted to etch other. Personally, I talked to my doctor about it, and she put me anti-depressants, which I believe are starting to help. I don't want to teach my kids to eat junk and be depressed. I really identified with the way he told you he wasn't attracted to you, then married you anyway. My husband did that a lot, too. There were lots of other things he disapproved of too. No wonder I gained weight while I was with him...if my mouth was fell I couldn't say what I really felt (which was not very nice). He threatened me and my kids a lot to get his own way, told me no one would ever love me because I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough (yes, I supported him financially). I realize now that I was very isolated because I was putting all my energy into keeping him from lashing out.
So this is my suggestion. Find relationship counseling (if he won't go, go alone) and figure out why you punish yourself with weight issues (i.e. the anorexia and extreme weight gain) and how it affects your relationship. If you decide he is emotionally abusive, call an abuse hotline and talk to the counselor ( they won't demand you leave unless you want to, and they are very non-judgemental). Then when you feel strong enough, start a food plan that feels good for you.
What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau
Thank you both for the replies and encouragement.
I want to want to do this for myself, and I do, somewhat. Its just so confusing with all the conflicting feelings the issue with my husband has caused. If I could just separate my wants and needs from him and our past, it would be so much easier.
I married someone who sounds a bit like your husband...now we are divorced. He was extremely fit and exercised a lot but right off the bat, a red flag went up when he started to talk about my weight. At the time, I was 5'4 and 115 pounds...and in great shape. Honestly, he would make me feel that I was not good enough for him (body-wise) even though I had a kickin body and always was being flirted with by other men. Even after having kids my weight settled around 135 pounds (in my mid-30s) for 10 years. We divorced when I was 42 and my weight shot up a few years later. I think my weight gain had many reasons including medical and stress but I also think it was a blanket I wrapped around myself to stay out of bad relationships with men. I am figuring all that out finally and working my way back to a healthy weight and on my terms.
I would really look at what it is exactly that you love about your husband in earnest. I read your entire story and it pained me. He seems extremely judgmental, is not a partner with you but very condescending and sounds like a perfectionist. I am afraid that no matter what you are in terms of your weight, he won't be satisfied. I know you indicated the same.
Take care of yourself and be true to yourself.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~ Maria Robinson
I know what it feels like to be "not good enough" for somebody else. So, now I only do what makes ME feel the best and healthiest. If someone says something disrespectful to me, I let them know that what they're saying hurts me or isn't helping. You have to do things for yourself and not other people, who should love you for who you are and not what you look like.
On this website and others, I can find plenty of articles, advice and message board topics related to getting your spouse to lose weight, eat healthy or get active; or how your own weight loss can affect the relationship (how the non weight loser can sabatoge get jealous etc.). But why haven't we heard from the other side? The people who are BEING pushed to lose weight, for whatever reason.
I am one of those people, and I cant find ANYTHING online , no support , no advice on how to deal with the emotions and struggles with motivation that come with being forced to lose weight.
If there is something on this site that sounds like what Im looking for, a support thread etc. PLEASE let me know and I will take my questions and problems there. All Im looking for is some support, someone to care enough to offer advice, someone who maybe has been on the recieving end of the request to lose weight by a spouse.
I will forewarn you my story is a long one, I am a writer at heart and so when I am passionate about a subject, I write it to death (so to speak lol).
Lets start at the beginning. When I was about 14 or 15, I became anorexic. I'm sure there are plenty of people here who understand what this disorder does to a persons mind. If not there are plenty of stories by people out there describing the misery. I'll keep it simple. I never got to 85lbs on my death bed. My lowest weight was about 110lbs, what some people, (crazy people in my opion) think is a healthy weight for a lady my height 5'3". However I started at 220lbs. Lost it all in under a year, by doing what anorexics do. At my worst I was eating 300 calories a day and running on the treadmill at 6am, in my parents basement, for two hours. Then get outside and go for a walk after doing schoolwork ( I was homeschooled) or going to work. Or doing a video workout. I had to be active all day. I then would normally go to the YMCA to swim at the pool for an hour or two.
I was a disaster. I felt like I was 90 years old. Tired all the time, headaches constantly, weaker than a baby, cold 24/7, I couldnt think, I was grumpy (I feel SO bad for my parents), and had no friends (I still don't, Im a big introverted loner). Doctors were worried.
That was my first experience with weight loss.
One day I just snapped. I cant explain what happened, one day I just took a fistful of peanut butter and ate it, and then couldnt stop.
I gained until I was back up to 190lbs. Gained over a few years mind you.
Then I tried to lose it again, but without going crazy this time. Two years ago I started losing weight. I did go a little crazy, but not as bad. I was just sick of being sick. Sick of being fat, and sick of the relationship I had (anorexic thoughts and relationships with your body/food never go away) with myself. I wanted to look good and be healthy. I got down to about 150lbs on my own doing a workout video, trying to do things right. Then I met my husband, who is a personal trainer and bodybuilder (sort of). We used to have that in common, that we both made weight loss and exercise, diet regimes, the gym etc. a part of our lives. So he made me a couple programs, and I lost down to just over 125lbs. It was not good enough for me (or him really, at the time), I had anorexic complaints, obesessions, I was miserable again.
Then even before we were married he told me that he wasn't really attracted to me sexually. Even at 125lbs, he explained some personal problems he had, he almost outright said that there wasnt anything good enough, he was too hard to satisfy. But I married him anyway, because I loved him anyway, I felt it right to marry him, that we could get through anything, and we can, but maybe not in one piece. We dont believe in divorce, I should make that clear before I go any further. It is not a word to us, not in our dictionary lol
Looking back, I cant even say if I would do things differently, sometimes yes, sometimes no. But that doesn't matter, because I cant go back.
He had (has still but he's fighting it whole heartedly) a problem with p o r n ...that never helped things. Im sure all of us ladies know how it affects us in the relationship, in our minds.
Anyway, it happened again. I dont know what happened, but I started eating again, I gave up. We got married about 20lbs into my weight gain. It continued. I am now (shamefully) 190lbs again. I will never reach 200lbs again, thats a promise I made to myself I wont break.
My husband mentioned it several times throughout our year (so far) of marriage.It's become quite a sore spot, and is probably the root of most (if not all) of the problems we have in our marriage. I am bitter and resentful. He is too probably.
Maybe he has gone about telling me the wrong way. Maybe I'm just selfish and childish. I don't know.
He's told me that he has needs, that my weight doesn't help his problem. He's told me that I shouldn't be surprized that we have no sex life, what do I expect from him when I look the way I do.
But whenever he says that, the rage surfaces, the hurt the bitter, because when I WAS trying, was 125lbs, in shape, sexy to everyone but him, I WASNT sexy to him.
So what does HE expect I want to ask him! But I dont, because I'm sick of the fighting, the tears. I've told him that my heart broke when I wasn't good enough. I've told him how awful the struggle to lose healthy weight is for me because of my past anorexia. Becuase now I have arthritis and can hardly finish a strength training sesssion because my hands and joints hurt so bad. How I feel 90 years old again, how I am useless and weak after every workout because of the pain. How tired I am of the struggle. Told him what it feels like to be me on a weight loss regime.
But he doesn't care. He doesn't support me, he tells me to get over it and do it anyway. No offer to help ease my load at home when I am too tired weak or sore to make/pack his lunches for work, clean the house alone, do laundry, or shovel the snow, or take out the trash.
Just do it and get over it, and then do everything for the both of us too.
Get up, go to work, workout, obssess over what you eat (yes he has actually told me that I need to obsess a little to lose weight), then come home and cook, clean, and take of anything else around the house. And I better not be upset about any of it either.
Because if I complain (which I do all the time according to him), it turns into a huge fight!
If I tell him I'm having problems because of working out, that I feel awful. Then I dont respect him or his advice, apparently. If I argue, if I try to come up with ways of making things easier for me, then Ill get nowhere because I cant do it on my own.
The other day, he argued with me and said that I cant do it on my own, that I need him. I tried arguing by pointing out that I lost weight besfore I even met him. But there is no arguing with him. Period. He is right, and arguing is just disresepecting him.
HE has all but outright said the words - That I am ruining our marriage, our sex life and his life, by being overweight.
He tried to corner me by asking how Ive been doing on my own so far, which is irrelivent because I have not been trying for a year now. But, like I said, there is no arguing.
He ended the argument by saying that he is just waiting for the day that I come to him and apologize for the resistance and disrespect, and tell him Ill do whatever it takes to lose the weight, and follow his every word, and admit that I cant do it on my own. That is something I will NEVER do. Even if only because he said that.
That snapped me. He has no right to tell me I am a failure when I have proven to myself and HIM that I can succeed on my own. Now I DO want to lose weight, sort of, I am conflicted.
I want to lose weight to prove hikm wrong to rub it in his face! I want to lose weight so I can have more confidence, be healthier, all the good reasons for wanting to lose weight. I DONT want to be skinny. I want to look like what we call theses days, plus size models. I dont want flubber bouncing all over the place, to weight 200lbs. But I DONT want to weight 120lbs and be rock hard either, its not realistic nor what will make me happy. I dont want to look like a bikini model, or a bodybuilder. I want to look beautiful, the beautiful from history. Real beauty. Beauty was strength, endurance, curves. Not bones, and not bulging muscles either. Men are supposed to be hard, women are supposed to be softer than they are. In my opinion at least.
I also want to be happy, and keep my sanity. And to achieve those I cannot weight 120lbs. I casnnot live with counting calories for the rest of my life. Following a strict plan just to keep in shape. Which my husband says I wont have to do, but it hard for me to keep weight off, to a degree. Its fairly difficult for me to stay at a weight like 130 or so, very very hard to get below 130. This weight will probably be my ultimate goal.
But I also DONT want to lose weight. I dont want to suffer the pain of our sex life being no better if I lose the weight, of being told its still not enough, of being told Im still not everything he needs. Im sick of the struggle to lose weight, the pain, the sacrifice for nothing, I dont want to care anymore. And in a way I dont, or I wouldnt weight 190lbs. It doesnt fuffill me anymore, I dont see the numbers going down as an achievement anymore, just something I have to endure. Something I am being forced to do.
Now yes, I am afraid. No denial here. I am afraid of becoming what I was at 15. I dont want to eat minimal calories, I want to enjoy my meals. I dont want to exercise myself so weak that I make myself sick, I want to feel good physically. I have become a hater of weight loss, of the whole road I must travel to lose weight.
Don't get me wrong I love my hubby dearly and he is NOT a bad man. Not mean. Just too honest, and quick to demand his needs be met by others. He is a very good man, and I wouldnt change him, just how he handles certian things.
This is another reason I am so afraid.
I dont want to be bitter forever, resentful. I am already starting to resent him for how he has handled my weight. So I know that once I am fit, that I will still be bitter, if not more than now. I know that I wont ever enjoy sex like I used to. There will always be a background of bitterness, of "you got what you wanted, I hope your at least happy"..."I hope this is worth everything I went through for you, to give you what you asked for"...every time will be a reminder of how hard it is now to get him to engage in the act. It wont ever be making love again...me and him for who we are, our love...for me it will always be bitter, and its already starting and I hate it more than I've ever hated anything else.
So, I don't know if I want to lose weight. I just dont know.
Losing weight wont be for me, not really. And I dont know how to make it about me and not him. Not without a lot of healing first. But I dont have time to heal, because our marriage is going downhill fast and he's made it pretty clear that this is one of our biggest problems and its mine to solve, or let ruin us.
Ive been trying to lose weight anyway, since the new year..Been doing pretty good, no cheating, trying to follow his advice...but Its so painful, so hard, and every moment of my workouts, every time I eat, I want to give up, I feel bitter.
Thats my rock. This is my hard place: The bitterness that comes from me losing weight like he wants, it spills over into how I talk to him, how I look at him, my affection for him, how badly (or not) I want to spend time with him. It seeps into our marriage, and is ruining it. The struggles I have (the pain, the obsession, etc) with losing weight spill over too ( i ask for help with household tasks, or ask for advice on how to make things easier for me, and cant hold my tongue that its because Im working out for him, then its a fight).
If I dont lose weight, he will be bitter, we wont have sex much,it will always be a problem in our marriage, things will be hard.
If I lose weight, I will be bitter, we might still not have much sex, it will always be a problem in our marriage, things will be hard.
What am I supposed to do, to want?
What is youre story? How have you handled being on the recieving end?