I've heard Jillian Michaels say that you can tolerate any "how" if you have a "why".
What I don't understand is why my "why" isn't enough to get me to do this.
I've been on the weight loss merry-go-round for most of my life, and I'm tired. But instead of losing weight, I yo-yo back and forth, and overall I've gained weight, about 45 lbs, 25 just in the last 8-9 months, so I am now about 70 lbs overweight.
I feel like at this point, I could write the articles here on SP; I have read so many books, tried so many meal plans, looked into the science. I KNOW the answers. I KNOW what to do when I feel a binge coming on. I KNOW what to do when I eat at a restaurant. (etc etc) I feel like I KNOW every single answer to any weight loss question you could give me.
But KNOWING and DOING are two very different things.
I sabotage myself and give into cravings and changes to my plans (I'm a big planner; it's my follow-through that's lacking). I don't know why I (sub-consciously) want to stay overweight.
All of my reasons for wanting to lose the weight are for me; some are aesthetic, some for health reasons, personal comfort, a desire to be physically functional. But none of them are for other people. I'm trying to do this for me.
I've lost count of how many motivation boards I've made. I've ditched the scale, I've rewarded myself, I've been a part of numerous online and RL weight loss groups, I've had a personal trainer, I've used HealthyWage (and lost $100), I've read books on motivation and followed their steps to a T, I've repeated positive mantras over and over again, I've tried fake it till you make it (in believing in myself), I've tried it all. (even the things I didn't list here)
But ultimately, it ends. Some of those things, I probably didn't stick with long enough to see if it worked. Some, I could no longer afford (such as WW and the personal trainer).
I do well for a period of time: sometimes as long as a month or two, sometimes just a couple of weeks, and lately, I'm lucky if I have one solid good day. I blame it on my busy and stressful job (which it is), but I know I could still do better.
I don't understand why my reasons aren't good enough to motivate me. I don't understand why when I have the option between a salad and a burger and fries, I go for the fried food. I don't understand why I can stuff my face with endless desserts and yet as I lift the fork, feel so uncomfortable in my skin that I feel desperate to lose the weight.
I'm really good at following a healthy lifestyle, for a short period of time. I don't deprive myself, but I do have a lot of trigger foods that are best to stay away from (binge eating is by FAR my biggest issue). I just can't seem to make it last. I know the point is not to do something that you couldn't imagine sustaining for the rest of your life, and I try really hard not to restrict myself in that sense, and I try to be reasonable, but I crave massive portions of calorie-laden foods, and there's no moderation in that. And having a rare "cheat" meal just doesn't satisfy.
I'm at a loss. My husband is starting to worry about my health. I've been worried for a while. I'm afraid I have or soon will do something that isn't fixable. I try to take things day by day, but time seems to be flying by and it's not getting better.
So what do you do when you KNOW all the right answers, but you can't seem to get yourself to DO it?
| current weight: 219.4