I've kind of been feeling the same way lately. For a long time, I've identified myself as fat, lazy, unattractive. There are so many more words, all of them negative. As I've begun losing weight, I've had to change the way I see myself and those words I've used to describe me. And that is scary.
It's like this protective layer around myself and who I am is going away. And once I can't identify myself with those negative terms, I wonder what is left. In some ways, it's easy and impersonal to be judged for my weight. But once I lose the weight, people might judge ME and find me lacking.
In reality, I know this isn't quite true. Yet it's hard to give up who and what I am, expecting it to be better, yet fearing things won't change along with me. In just taking up running, I've begun to change who I am. And at times I look at that with amazement. At other times, there's some fear that in changing who I am, I have to continue to be THAT person.
But in the end, I'm still me. I still laugh at my own lame jokes, love animals, travel and reading. And maybe all along the fat has just kept me from actually getting to know myself and being who I CAN be.
I don't need to be afraid of changing or not knowing who I am. I'm pretty sure I know who I am, I just need to find a way to accept who I am.
| current weight: 235.0