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Desperate for advice



 
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RRAYNER
RRAYNER's Photo Posts: 1,063
5/23/13 2:00 P

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emoticon I hoping that you have received the advise you needed. My only suggestion is that you need to do what is best for you and not let anyone bring you down. I hope you're still enjoying SP. There are a lot of "friends" on this website - whether you know them or not. emoticon

Walk and run to the best you you can be.


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KOMTRIA
Posts: 347
6/28/12 10:14 P

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If he left printouts available he wants this out in the open.
Talk to him.
Porn changes your brain chemistry.
I don't buy the "it's a guy thing" so it's ok.
It isn't ok , because you are upset and he is sneaking.
This may be more about him feeling his age and nothing to do with you.
Still not ok.

The journey is as important as the goal.


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JDD123
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6/26/12 9:30 P

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Totaly agree with you..we are talking about a woman in pain..issues unknown to us here on Spark...lets give her the support....she can take it ..underneath she is a woman...and we are strong



DIANE7786
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6/26/12 9:00 P

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It's doubtful that the original poster would have married a man who spent time looking at porn. Apparently her husband didn't until a few months ago. Porn goes against her core values--her beliefs about marriage. Ignoring, accepting or justifying his behavior causes her severe emotional damage. Everyone has their own core values. It's okay if a wife doesn't mind her husband looking at porn because it's an agreement between the two of them.



JDD123
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6/26/12 8:17 P

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ALRAD81,have you had the talk with him yet?Everyday is more hurtful for you..get it out in the open now.



BUBBLESTOO
Posts: 1,482
6/26/12 7:58 P

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i think that I would rather have my husband look at porn then some of the other things that could happen. Would you rather he beat you, leave you for a younger girl, treat you like a slave, tell you your worthless there are so many things that are far worse then looking at pictures of grown women. Discuss with him the fact that kids do get on the computer and if you were able to find out that they can too. And definately tell him no copies.

Deb


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QUEENDEBRINA
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6/26/12 1:50 P

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YOU HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF!
YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

You and your husband need to sit down and discuss this together. It will be an uncomfortable discussion but once it is in the open you will be better able to deal with your feelings.

Be strong, especially for your family.



If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you. Winnie the Pooh


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HUBLEYDDAVIS
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6/26/12 12:30 P

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I don't agree with porn period but men will be men. I know mine looks at any naked women he can over the internet and it is very upsetting. He made the mistake one day of just minimizing instead of closing. Seldom using the computer, I found it after getting home from work one day. I left him a very explicit note of what I thought and that the next time it happened the computer would be gone - up in the lake at the top of the subdivision. Hasn't happened since. However, I'm not so stupid as to think he isn't looking. He's just being more discreet. A good majority of men are just pigs (sorry to those of you who are not) and then wonder why women get jealous.



DIANE7786
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6/26/12 12:22 P

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Google "porn addiction." There are sites for help for wives of those addicted to porn that might help you. There are also sites for to help the addicted, but addicts never think they have a problem.



TATTER3
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6/26/12 6:48 A

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Alrad, any addiction is just that...an addiction. Porn is about as bad as it get because reality can never catch up with it. We can't airbrush our lives and be glamorous fantasies and live the lies. It may be common, but it is not healthy. I'm so sorry you're facing this. You are not responsible and you can't change him. You can send him into hiding and into a stream of lies, but you did not cause it and you cannot heal it. This is not just a man thing...it's a soul disease and he has to see the negatives of the choices he's making and want to stop himself. If you were in my area, we have addiction ministries, but I suggest you explore your area and see what's available as a support system for yourself. No matter what the popular voices say, this is like having roaches and it affects more than just you and your husband. Please be assured that neither you and your appearance or anything else you might be or say or do caused him to make this choice. If you need a friend, I'm here...stay in touch. I take you seriously and don't expect you to shrug this off. I care.

Edited by: TATTER3 at: 6/26/2012 (14:52)
Keep Sparkin'!

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. I thank my God, making mention of you always in my prayers Philemon 1:3,4



Tatter3


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JDD123
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6/25/12 11:12 A

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Lots of good advice,talk to him and let him know your feelings.I truely doubt it has anything to do with how you think he feels about you.



SWIFTSEATURTLE
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6/25/12 10:52 A

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Thanks, Jibbie, for the agreement. I believe what I wrote in my post.

My personal opinion is, porn is disgusting. So, I can say that, at the same time, I know better than to think I'm going to change what someone else wants to do. The majority here are not with us (Jibbie and me).

But I hope they read all of our posts - Jibbie makes some very good points!



DIANE7786
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6/25/12 10:32 A

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I think a husband looking at porn is a very big deal. It sounds like you do too. The stress affects you. Time will not make this easier. Secrets eventually come out. Consider why you cover for him. Your family probably knows something is wrong because youre acting differently. Hes careless (leaving papers in printer) so its possible your grandchildren already saw something and are afraid to tell you. Its hard but you need to gently tell him you know. Don't let him justify his behaviour by blaming you. Your weight and age are not the problem. Good luck.

Edited by: DIANE7786 at: 6/25/2012 (10:33)


JIBBIE49
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6/24/12 7:37 A

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SwiftSeaTurtle is right, that it isn't any big deal. He's looking at these women because he is a normal man. But, he certainly needs to learn to NOT leave the pictures in the printer so the grandchildren can find them. 40% of the activity on the computer is Porn. It is a $14 billion dollar a year business.
Men look at this because they want to feel young again. It has nothing to do with YOU. I've been married nearly 44 yrs, and my husband goes to strip bars, etc. I have dealt with this since the day I married him and he was in the military. Back then I was 19 and 5'4" and 118# and he still had to have Playboy and Penthouse magazines, etc. So it had nothing to do with how good-looking I was.
Don't be so stressed over this. He just got careless.

Edited by: JIBBIE49 at: 6/24/2012 (07:37)

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BARBIE115
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6/24/12 6:07 A

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You can always block the sites.



LUANN_IN_PA
Posts: 15,543
6/22/12 3:19 P

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"He does not know that I know about what he is doing."

You need to sit him down and have a talk.
Seriously.

Porn IS bad, IMHO! and very disrespectful. And it DOES ruin families....

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.
~ Randy Pausch

"There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results."
~ Art Turock

"We have a saying in Tibet: If a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good."
~ 7 Years in Tibet


SWIFTSEATURTLE
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6/22/12 1:02 P

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If possible, I hope I can help you calm down and see that what your husband has done is not so bad. It's a shame that he was careless about leaving copies in the printer. If they were pictures of children, you would have a different problem. If they were adults, it really is not a major thing, though it hurts you personally.

Just hoping my point of view can relieve some of the hurt you're feeling. The more puritanical a society, the more likely it is that "everybody" looks at porn, at one time or another. Think of 13-year-old boys hiding Playboy magazines under their bed in the 60's.

The porn industry is the hugest thing on the internet. I don't think we can make it go away, and I don't think it will ruin your family or your husband's appreciation of you. Good luck!



ALRAD81
Posts: 398
6/22/12 11:41 A

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I do not know how to begin, my husband of 30 yrs has been going on my computer and looking at porn. I am so mad and upset that I can't sleep. I know I have put on a few pounds, but so has he, but it makes me feel so unwanted and I feel he is ashamed of me. He has been on certain web sites since Dec. of last year. He does not know that I know about what he is doing. How do I tell him I am afraid that he will blame me because I do not have a body like a 20 yr old anymore. I am 55 yrs old and he is 57 yrs old. He is looking at girls that our are daughters age. It makes me so sick. The way I found out is that he left the copies that he had printed on the printer. I still have them. We have granddaughters that get on my computer, with they find one of his sites he goes on. With all the stress I can not loose any weight at all. I get so depressed all I do is eat, and not the good stuff. Please help I do not know what to do. I can not go to my family cause this would just crush them they love my husband so much, and this would just break our kids heart. Thank you so much for your help and advice. Darla

What you do today will affect the rest of your life.


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