0
 
Author: Sorting First Post on Top ↑ Message:
 
ANARIE is the moderator for this forum.
 
LEC358 SparkPoints: (9,251)
Fitness Minutes: (6,555)
Posts: 2,111
3/24/14 9:53 A

Send Private Message
Reply
I think "emotionally invested" is a bit of a misnomer and what I think what people really mean is "emotionally surrogate." To me this means that I am communicating with/to someone in a way that I used to communicate with my SO.

Take this hypothetical: at the beginning of my relationship I leaned on my SO for support after a crappy day at work, but now (X time after) I talk to this guy at a bar I go to about it because for X reason I don't talk to my SO as much. Versus the case where there are things that I feel that I can't burden my SO with at this point in time so I need to talk to someone else until I'm ready to talk it through with my SO. To me, the first case is a step on the path towards cheating, the second is not.



 current weight: -0.8  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
KJFITNESSDUDE's Photo KJFITNESSDUDE Posts: 15,787
3/24/14 9:46 A

Send Private Message
Reply
Two of my besties are female and YOUNG at that (29 & 25) and my fiancé knows that they are and has met them (we were invited to one of their weddings) and I do share with them lots of stuff that I don't normally share with my fiancé but none of it is sexual in nature, its usually gossip crap............

USING SP TO HELP YOU KEEP TRACK OF WEIGHT LOSs, CALORIE INTAKE AND EXERCISE "IS" THE SHORTCUT!!!!!!
sTOP TRYING TO CONSUME A MAGIC WEIGHTLOSS PILL, OY!
ANARIE's Photo ANARIE Posts: 12,406
3/23/14 10:02 P



My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I'm puzzled by the "emotionally invested" definition. How can you have a friendship of any type if you're NOT emtionally invested? I'm emotionally invested in my friendships with women, and that's definitely not cheating, so why would it be cheating if I had the same depth of platonic friendship with a man?

My best friend is a man. There is NO physical attraction involved, but we're best buddies, and I talk to him about things I don't always share with boyfriends. It's never been a problem in any of my relationships, nor in any of his as far as I know. Of course, maybe the fact that we've been besties since 1995 without ever having any physical contact whatsoever has something to do with it. If we haven't gotten together in 20 years, it's a pretty safe bet we're never going to!



 current weight: 132.0 
 
184
169
154
139
124
WOMANOFSTEELE's Photo WOMANOFSTEELE Posts: 55
3/23/14 11:54 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
If confronted about hidden text messages (hours of texting at one time on multiple occasions spanning 6 months), sexually explicit text messages that were seen and the other party is named and it is vehemently denied even tho the evidence is right there . . . it's cheating.

As many others have said, if there is a problem in the relationship, there are counselors who are trained to listen and offer advice that doesn't include sexual comments, or virtual intimacy which would add to the destruction of a relationship.



 current weight: 140.0 
 
147
136.5
126
115.5
105
ARMYWIFEKASS93's Photo ARMYWIFEKASS93 SparkPoints: (4,384)
Fitness Minutes: (781)
Posts: 150
3/19/14 12:57 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
My definition of cheating is anything you wouldn't tell your spouse that you were doing. Hiding text messages, sneaking around, ect..



 current weight: 397.2 
 
397.2
385.4
373.6
361.8
350
LOUNMOUN Posts: 1,265
3/19/14 12:41 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
That is an interesting question. I don't think gender or personality matters so much as what the individual couple understands the boudaries of their relationship being.

I feel that if you use someone or something else for what would normally be your partner's role in your life (emotionally or physically) without your partner's knowledge/consent then I would say that could be considered cheating on or breaking your vow/bond with your partner.

If my dh basically checked out of our lives together and started spending time talking/texting intimately and hanging out with another woman I would view that relationship as a type of cheating even if there was no sex. To me that behavior would be damaging to our relationship. That isn't just being friends to me.



CWIEBER SparkPoints: (1,538)
Fitness Minutes: (532)
Posts: 66
3/19/14 11:44 A

Reply
I cheat when I don't log everything I eat into the nutrition tracker, for example-not logging the honey I pur in my tea.

KJFITNESSDUDE's Photo KJFITNESSDUDE Posts: 15,787
3/19/14 11:42 A

Send Private Message
Reply
Thanks! I guess I'm not talking about what's formed by solidification of magma deep within the earth and crystalline throughout such as plutonic rock
LOL!

emoticon

USING SP TO HELP YOU KEEP TRACK OF WEIGHT LOSs, CALORIE INTAKE AND EXERCISE "IS" THE SHORTCUT!!!!!!
sTOP TRYING TO CONSUME A MAGIC WEIGHTLOSS PILL, OY!
IVYLASS's Photo IVYLASS SparkPoints: (115,339)
Fitness Minutes: (35,554)
Posts: 6,535
3/19/14 11:35 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
There are many forms of cheating. Your friend's wife is engaged in emotional cheating. If she has gaps in her relationship with her husband she should work on them with her husband, not seek someone else to fill in what she feels is missing.

By the way, it's "platonic," not "plutonic."

Someone once said women need to feel loved in order to feel sexy, and men need to have sex in order to feel loved. I would suggest the wife is fast on her way to moving from emotional cheating to physical cheating.

One stumble does not a failure make.

Everything in moderation.


 September Minutes: 120
 
0
33.75
67.5
101.25
135
LOLA_LALA's Photo LOLA_LALA Posts: 659
3/19/14 9:13 A

Send Private Message
Reply
I have two all-I-can-eat days a month, which some refer to as "cheat days." But I've maintained my weight for several years now, and I think of them more as "planned foodie holidays" emoticon I'm not cheating anything or anyone.



 current weight: -2.0  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
MLAN613 SparkPoints: (155,838)
Fitness Minutes: (154,915)
Posts: 10,178
3/19/14 7:56 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Ahhhh, yes, Luann hit it perfectly. I am currently in a situation where my husband cheated on me. And I am carefully guarding myself to not do the same back to him by physically or emotionally cheating on him. I am not certain what's going to happen with our marriage but I need to keep myself away from the sin (yes, I consider emotional and physical adultery a sin). I think it would cause and is probably causing deeper issues for KJ's friend.



JANIEWWJD's Photo JANIEWWJD SparkPoints: (220,940)
Fitness Minutes: (196,840)
Posts: 6,891
3/19/14 12:00 A

Online Now  • )) My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I define cheating as intentionally harming yourself and your relationship and knowing full well that you are doing so; and not doing anything about it!!!!

Janie Garcia Moreno

"WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE"

"PRAYER CHANGES THINGS"

"NEVER PUT A QUESTION MARK WHERE GOD HAS PUT A PERIOD!"

"WHAT THE MIND CAN CONCEIVE AND BELIEVE, IT CAN ACHIEVE!"


 current weight: 120.0 
 
145
138.75
132.5
126.25
120
VIPETTE's Photo VIPETTE SparkPoints: (8,187)
Fitness Minutes: (3,865)
Posts: 58
3/18/14 11:18 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Having "emotional contact" can be just as intimate as having "physical contact", depending on the conversations. I don't think it differs by gender, but than I've never TRULY known what's going through a man's head.

My weight loss blog :
katelosingweight.blogspot.com


 Pounds lost: 82.0 
 
0
40.5
81
121.5
162
BLUENOSE63 SparkPoints: (101,509)
Fitness Minutes: (76,885)
Posts: 2,953
3/18/14 9:44 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
If you wouldn't do or say it with your SO or spouse there ,then that is cheating to me. For example if I were.speaking to one of my male friends then I make sure whatever I say to him, I would say if my husband were standing right there with us.



 September Minutes: 280
 
0
500
1000
1500
2000
DMJAKES's Photo DMJAKES Posts: 1,583
3/18/14 2:35 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I'd have to agree with the others about the "emotionally invested" part. Does she invite her spouse along when she goes out with this guy? Does she hide anything about their relationship (how often they see each other, where, for how long, etc)? Is she telling him things that she should be sharing with her spouse instead? If so, I think she's messing with fire. Is the other guy married, and if so does the other wife know about this?

If she feels marriage counseling is needed and he won't go, she should go alone. She can get a lot of good feedback and advice (and can probably speak more freely) without him. I'd bet a paycheck that the counselor would tell her to back off the opposite sex friendships, at least for now. She's in a very vulnerable place and could do something she'd regret later. I'd bet the other guy is just biding his time, waiting for her to either make a move or not stop him from going too far.....then it will be too late, IMO. If she ends up with this guy, all she's got is a man who lured away another man's wife. I sure wouldn't want THAT.

My question would be....why not take the high road? Tell the spouse that the marriage is crumbling and that you're at the point of no return, but make sure your actions aren't contributing to the divide.

That said, I don't think it's any different between the genders...if you're looking to someone else for something that should be within the confines of the marriage, you're cheating.

GOALIEGRANDMA3's Photo GOALIEGRANDMA3 SparkPoints: (87,835)
Fitness Minutes: (60,362)
Posts: 6,476
3/18/14 2:20 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
when I saw this topic, I thought it related to FOOD Iv;e been married for close to 50 years, so I am not a good one to comment on this question

My name is Martha.
My new ticker shows me slow as a bunny and going up and down . I want to level out!

2003 : began WW 47 # heavier than now .


"Which we hope ever to do with ease we must first learn to do with diligence."

Samuel Johnson

______



 current weight: 136.8 
 
141
139.25
137.5
135.75
134
MANDIETERRIER1's Photo MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 13,646
3/18/14 2:04 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
What Luann in PA said. If you are emotionally invested in someone other than your spouse, it is cheating.



Edited by: MANDIETERRIER1 at: 3/18/2014 (14:06)
Made it to my maintenance weight of 125 pounds.

Even though I have reached goal. I still don't know everything about weight loss.

Please read my blog

erinwroteablogyall.blogspot.com/2014
/09/working-on-working-it-out.html


 current weight: 3.1  over
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
RIET69 SparkPoints: (47,087)
Fitness Minutes: (11,285)
Posts: 3,116
3/18/14 1:46 P

Send Private Message
Reply
I thought this was going to be about cheating with food and I was set to answer that the only one you can really cheat with food is yourself by not owning up to how much you you eat. With relationships I think the person her/him self knows when a relationship becomes cheating. I don't think anyone else can judge.



 Pounds lost: 17.0 
 
0
16.25
32.5
48.75
65
TRYINGHARD54's Photo TRYINGHARD54 Posts: 3,181
3/18/14 12:34 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
That can be a tuff one. But, I can have male friends
easier then females. And I have no intentions of cheating.
But, I don't have a troubled marriage either.

I CAN DO THIS
FEDGIRL4's Photo FEDGIRL4 Posts: 1,908
3/18/14 12:28 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
It does depend on the person or couple.

Of course there are the "cut and dries" -- any sexual activity, then yes. Anything beyond a hug and a peck kiss, then yes. Some people are friends who playfully smack each other on the butt or flirt and there is nothing to that for them.

You don't solve your marital (or relationship) problems by inviting in others to fill the deep down gaps.

Life is not waiting for the storms to pass..it's learning to dance in the rain.

"The only disability in life is a bad attitude." - Scott Hamilton

Growing Up In the 70's
Team Co-Leader


 current weight: 211.0 
 
221
208.25
195.5
182.75
170
SHERYLDS's Photo SHERYLDS Posts: 11,784
3/18/14 11:37 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I guess it depends on the person. I think you can have friendships regardless of gender...sometimes it helps a person see how the opposite sex thinks. We don't all have supportive brothers or male relatives to talk to for insight. Unfortunately it is a situation that is easy to misunderstand...from all sides.

By the same token...straight bromances or sisterhoods can be harmful to a relationship if those friends want to monopolize your significant other's time. Is that a form of cheating?

Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 3/18/2014 (11:38)
Sheryl from New Jersey, USA... EST


 Pounds lost: 1.0 
 
0
5.25
10.5
15.75
21
SUZIEQUE77's Photo SUZIEQUE77 SparkPoints: (8,500)
Fitness Minutes: (40)
Posts: 963
3/18/14 11:29 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I think people get too caught up in definitions of words that change with the context, and have different meanings to different people. To me, cheating most often means something like cheating on taxes, or cheating on a test.

However, if we are talking about cheating in a relationship, I still think too much emphasis is given to whether to call something cheating or not.

Lets say I decide NOT to call that type of platonic, mostly talking, sharing, confiding personal thoughts and feelings type of relationship cheating. It does not matter whether I call it cheating or not because I would NOT be willing to allow my husband that type of relationship with another woman any more than I would allow him to physically or verbally abuse me regularly. And if he were to insist on it, it would be a deal breaker for our M.

I don't see this as any different whether it is a man or a woman, and whether the deep down "intentions" are to take it physical, or not.





 current weight: 118.2 
 
121.8
120.85
119.9
118.95
118
ICEDEMETER's Photo ICEDEMETER Posts: 765
3/18/14 11:23 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I think every individual has their own definition of "cheating on a relationship", and that the definitions don't follow gender lines at all. I think that it's really important to discuss this right from the beginning of a relationship, because the odds seem to be good that both partners will have different definitions, and understanding each others viewpoint can help avoid needless hurt feelings down the road.

Start weight: 240 lbs
Goal weight: 155 lbs (reached March 7, 2014)
Revised Goal weight: 150 lbs (reached May 27, 2014)

Afraid of a colonoscopy? Believe me - they are much less frightening than surgery and chemotherapy.

Colonoscopies allow polyps to be removed before they can become cancer, or let cancers be found before they are too widespread. If you are 50 or older, or have any symptoms, please don't let fear stop you from covering your butt.

Get checked!


 current weight: -4.0  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
KJFITNESSDUDE's Photo KJFITNESSDUDE Posts: 15,787
3/18/14 10:19 A

Send Private Message
Reply
LOL EELPIE, I've got way more female friends than I do male friends and my fiancé has met nearly every one of them, I tell her stories from here and from real life, too.

USING SP TO HELP YOU KEEP TRACK OF WEIGHT LOSs, CALORIE INTAKE AND EXERCISE "IS" THE SHORTCUT!!!!!!
sTOP TRYING TO CONSUME A MAGIC WEIGHTLOSS PILL, OY!
EELPIE's Photo EELPIE Posts: 2,669
3/18/14 10:15 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
"IF you are emotionally invested with someone other than your spouse, that is cheating to me."

Yep.

I have a ton of male friends (I'm a guys girl, not a girls girl) - but we are just friends - does that make sense?

The best exercise in the world is to bend down and help someone up.


 current weight: 111.0 
 
148
138.75
129.5
120.25
111
MISSRUTH's Photo MISSRUTH Posts: 3,423
3/18/14 9:58 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I think lu_ann hit it, with "emotionally invested". If she's having problems with her marriage and looking for another man to "fill the gaps".... sounds like she's emotionally invested. Almost sounds like she's testing the waters, to see if she's got a "backup" for leaving her husband.

Nothing wrong with a spouse having a friend of the opposite sex-- assuming it's a healthy marriage, no trust issues. I think there'd be a problem though if the other spouse was always excluded, if that friendship was always "outside" the marriage. Hidden emails & text messages, secret meetings etc. If you're hiding something... maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

Ruth in Cookeville, TN Central Time Zone


Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think - Christopher Robin to Pooh


1 Days until:  Fall
 
50
37
25
12
0
EMPRESSAMQ's Photo EMPRESSAMQ Posts: 5,077
3/18/14 9:48 A

Send Private Message
Reply
There is no reason why people of opposite genders should not have platonic friendships, whatever their marital status. That is not "cheating," it is friendship.

The above is my opinion.

I forget what the second question was.

Too complex for this hour in the morning.

Edited by: EMPRESSAMQ at: 3/24/2014 (09:01)
Moving in new directions.


 current weight: 120.0 
 
121
119.5
118
116.5
115
LUANN_IN_PA Posts: 16,025
3/18/14 9:39 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
IF you are emotionally invested with someone other than your spouse, that is cheating to me.

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
~ Randy Pausch

"There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results."
~ Art Turock

"We have a saying in Tibet: If a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good."
~ 7 Years in Tibet
KJFITNESSDUDE's Photo KJFITNESSDUDE Posts: 15,787
3/18/14 9:38 A

Send Private Message
Reply
So, my fiancé and I know a couple who is going through a rough time, the wife has been unhappy for quite a while and now has a male friend whom she has a plutonic relationship with (no sex and we believe her), this guy fills in the gaps in her marriage (she professes to love her husband deeply but he won't see a marriage counselor with her.

I say to my fiancé that she's not cheating since there's no physical contact just lots of talk, she says it is cheating.

I told her that if the guy was doing the same thing then it'd be cheating for sure because I think men have "intentions" whereas women not so much meaning that I believe (my opinion) that a woman would not cross that line and cheat on her spouse.....eh, maybe it's the exact opposite.

All that said I know that most likely it's up to each individual (regardless of gender) to decide what constitutes as "cheating".

Topic question:
What do you consider cheating?
Do you believe that the definition of cheating may vary due to gender or personality types?

USING SP TO HELP YOU KEEP TRACK OF WEIGHT LOSs, CALORIE INTAKE AND EXERCISE "IS" THE SHORTCUT!!!!!!
sTOP TRYING TO CONSUME A MAGIC WEIGHTLOSS PILL, OY!
Page: 1 of (1)  

Report Innappropriate Post

Other SparkPeople Cafe Topics:

Topics: Last Post:
Do you or can u Discipline other peoples Kids 4/2/2014 6:39:12 PM
Bonus Spins 9/6/2014 1:22:44 PM
Would a Pixie look good on me?? 5/10/2014 5:58:51 AM
Someone asked me today if I am pregnant and Im not 4/10/2014 8:51:12 PM
Taste of food matters the MOST! 3/28/2014 10:12:00 PM

Thread URL: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/messageboard.asp?imboard=1&imparent=33281731

Review our Community Guidelines





Diet Resources: bosu half ball | bosu ball used | bosu ball chair