Dude, asshat is officially my new favorite word! Which doesn't address your questions, but since those questions will never be answered well by anyone, and there will always be asshats, I prefer to focus on me being the best I can be. I can't worry about what other people say about me or my SO or we'd never walk out of the house. And when I can I shut people down for comments like that. It's the best I can do.
Fitness Minutes: (87,526)
3/17/14 4:20 P
Ugh! I was out a couple weeks ago with a group of friends and one said " She must be really unhappy, she has never been this big" So hurtful. The person she was talking about is a wonderful kind hearted person. Then it made me think also, what does she say about the rest of us that are over weight. She happens to be in great shape and still complains about how she has 7 pounds to lose. Unlike us who have 40 to lose. I just wish this world was a kinder place and people would not look so much at the physical being. As far as this couple. Good for her and I hope he is a wonderful man. No one should judge.
I think people are more likely to not be filtered online. Think about reading a news article and all the comments that are below it. How many of those people would saying something like they've posted online at work? To their children? To their friends? Probably very few. There is something about the anonymity of posting online that seem to make people forget to treat others humanely. In person, some people have better filters than others. Some are also more honest, which can be misinterpreted as rudeness. People do need to engage their brains, then speak. It doesn't always work that way though. I tend to monitor the things I say online a little bit more because it can be hard to tell how someone means something when it's only in writing. I have a fairly sarcastic personality and sense of humor, but there isn't a good way to translate into writing on a website where people have never met me and have never seen my face. In real life I do tend to make sarcastic comments. I also tend to keep my more non-filtered self for those who know me well and don't always take me seriously. Those are my closest friends and are probably the few who see the real me.
I know folks in "real life" who say some pretty stupid things (non-filtered). And folks who will filter what they say when they're in a more public place (in person), yet in a smaller gathering, will say really bigoted stuff. And there are definitely folks who say things on the internet -- facebook, twitter, this site-- that they would filter out in real life. Kind of hiding behind the relative anonymity of the internet, to be judgmental or cruel or just plain letting their ignorance show. There are people, too, who feel badly about themselves/ their relationships/ etc who will say cruel things, to make themselves feel better.
I reckon there might be a lot of women here on Spark (and although there are guys here, there are far more women) who are married/ in a relationship with a guy who hasn't got the lifestyle change thing yet. I'm sure the women are providing a good example and in many cases, hoping their spouses "get it" one of these days. My own DH is skinny as a rail but eats like crap and does not exercise. However, he loves me and provides for me and was with me all along the way, when I had breast cancer. I'm not going to dump him just because he eats too many Oreos and Fritos and prefers diet Coke to water.
I suppose it could be partly human nature to compare what we see, in the "outsides" of a couple. Read an article the other day that talked about how very young children respond to how people look. Suggesting that judgments based on looks are something we have, before we're even bombarded with images in the media. So comparing the looks of the people in a "couple" may be something that comes more or less naturally at times.
I will admit that occasionally I've looked at a couple and thought, I wonder what he/she sees in him/her. Which is immediately followed by the thought, obviously there's something there that has nothing to do with how anyone looks. And imo, a relationship where looks are very highly prized.... idk, lots of things can happen over 20 or 30 years that will change the way a person looks. And I'm not talking just about weight. So if the foundation of your relationship is looks.... it might not bode so well for the future.
Thoughts pop in and out of our heads all the time.... it is not necessary to share every single one of them, with the world. There are many occasions that I can look back at and think, I sort of wish I hadn't said that. But I can't honestly think of a time where I look back and think, man, I really should have said (whatever).
Ruth in Cookeville, TN Central Time Zone
Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think - Christopher Robin to Pooh
I'm not very likely to really *notice* peoples' physical attributes as I am to see them in (my interpretation of ) their persona. Are they acting like fools, idiots, offensively? The most notice of physical characteristics, for me, is whether they're dressed like slobs (not if it looks like they're just in work clothing) or otherwise don't seem to care about those things. Don't they have any respect for themselves? I've encountered very many people who don't match society's brand of "attractive". Some of whom probably are some distance down the path of *un*attractive. It has little effect on my assessment. Some of those people have been the most welcome acquaintances I've had. A fat guy and a "normal" girl? well. That's fine. It suits them, obviously. An overbearing and rude guy and a meek or subservient girl? That disturbs me. But again, it presumably suits them, although I do have uncomplimentary thoughts about them - BOTH of them.
For someone to comment on the union, such as the person you're referring to, is especially repugnant to me. Are they above reproach? I suspect there's aspects of their lives which others might find unacceptable too. Is public commentary welcome in that case as well?
Edited by: EXOTEC at: 3/17/2014 (11:43)
...the problem with people these days is they've forgotten we're really just animals ... (attributation forgotten)
We did not create the web of life; we are but a strand in it. ~attributed to Chief Seattle
We don't have souls. We ARE souls. We have bodies. ~C.S. Lewis
I think we all have preconceived notions on what seems to fit and what doesn't, but most of us are smarter than to voice them to others. Relationships are complicated. What bothers me more ., is when one person is abusive and the other just takes it. Then I really start thinking ....why are you dating that person. But that's not my business...unless they ask me for help
How rude! I read this response on another message board I haunt and the profile pic was of this woman and her S.O. (I couldn't tell if they were married or not) but this asshat member replied to the pic "Why are you dating a fat guy?"
I'm not sure but I think she either reported him or was able to erase but the comment is gone now.
This got me thinking, though, about two separate issues; 1.) why some folk's social filters are broken (like the asshat's) and 2.) Do NON-ASSHATS actually think those things (why is with a fat guy) but just don't say it because we have filters.
I contend that most folks would never had that thought pop into their heads in the first place and if they did it would've been allowed to go further because it would've been thrown into the thought trash can a.s.a.p.
Still, after I read that rude comment I kinda had the same thought, the picture was a happy looking couple (I'm guessing in their mid 40's though he looked like he could've been older) during the summer at a pool or beach? The man looked somewhat dis-shoveled, messy somewhat balding hair, a big beer belly and she looked amazing. But that's the thing, book covers don't tell the story, the inside of those people (us) tell the story. I certainly don't know what they are like, maybe he's the best man on earth? Maybe he stuck with her during rough times and she loves him for that. Maybe judging people based on looks isn't what we ought to do?
As for the lack of filter use, I can only say for myself that I KNOW I have said some things UN-FILTERED (though not like this asshat) that were deemed rude and since rude is totally subjective who's really to say what is rude and what is not, right?
IDK, I thought the asshat's comment was pretty darn rude, don't you?
Topic question: a.) Do you know folks either in real life or internet persona's who totally lack social filtering? b.) Have you ever looked at a couple where one of them, in your opinion, was hot and the other was not and thought, "What the heck is s/he doing with him/her?"
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