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Do you keep weight on to fit in?



 
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OUT_OF_MY_TOWER
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9/3/13 6:59 A

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wut



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BUDGETMOM
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9/3/13 6:42 A

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This is interesting and I did have to think about it. I think I do actually keep this last 10 pounds on after having my baby because everyone used to tell me I was way too thin. I was 110 before I got pregnant and since having my baby I am up to 120 with no rush to lose the weight because I don't want to be told that I'm too skinny. Even though I feel my best when I'm around 110-115, but I would rather not deal with everyones annoying comments. So, yes. yes I do.





JASMINEMARS
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9/3/13 6:39 A

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Hi ZIPASS, Thanks for asking me that question. From the responses to this forum post, I have learned that:
1. It is not ok to make oneself "lesser than" to avoid envy of others.
2. Humility is always a good character trait to maintain.
3. One should be mindful of being focused on others rather than on oneself in social interactions.
4. One's health and happiness is not worth sabotaging for the sake of others.
5. A person should always be aware of those around him, and avoid people who make them feel uncomfortable about their success.
6. Sometimes there are situations in life that are unavoidable, where a person might be harmed in some way by a jealous person. If it happens to you, just trust that you will be able to handle the outcome. Study the situation so you are more apt to see warning signs of similar situations in the future.
7. Be very careful about choosing your environments - your workplace, your friends, your partner. Alter your environments as much as possible to support your mental and physical health.
8. I am still uncertain about displaying outward signs of success, like is it ok to drive a fancy car and wear designer clothes? Lots of rich people avoid overt displays of wealth to keep them safe, and often it works.
9. Generally, the purpose of life is to be happy while not harming others.




ROXYCARIN
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9/3/13 12:43 A

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No



_ZIPASS_
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9/2/13 11:14 P

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No I'm overweight bc of too much tasty junk food.
But I have a question for Jasmars-- what have you learned about envy, jealousy etc, thus far? How will you deal with this if it happens again?



KLDJSURVEY
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9/2/13 10:17 P

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yes



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JASMINEMARS
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9/2/13 10:03 P

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Not sure what you meant by your response, MELODY



MELODYANNETTE
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9/2/13 9:30 P

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WOW WHAT A LOADED QUESTION!
I think you have a good point and I'm going to say yes I think I do stay fat to fit in. Help I don't want to be like everybody else.
9-8-2013 5:57 pm
Today was s train wreck. I found myself "FITTING IN" taking so.e of e very dish at the dinner table which I ate and had seconds. Now I'm miserable.
Did get in the pool for an hour and a half this afternoon.

Edited by: MELODYANNETTE at: 9/8/2013 (19:00)
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Mathew 21:22


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GINGERMACC
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9/2/13 9:16 P

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No. Unlike alot of people in my county, I am in my healthy weight range and I do need to build muscle tone to get a more athletic shape. I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle in order to lessen the symptoms of Hashimoto's (an autoimmune disease of the thyroid in which t-cells attack the healthy thyroid cells causing the thyroid to eventually die).

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NITENURSE
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9/2/13 3:40 P

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I don't understand how would keeping weight on make you fit in



JASMINEMARS
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9/2/13 1:14 P

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Hi Ebraink,
Thank you so much for your long and detailed post. You have a very valid point. It is true that often a person can chalk someone's bad behavior to - "oh, they're just jealous of me." And that is not always accurate. A person may not like you because you don't treat them well, not because they're jealous of you. Thinking that one is jealous of you can be a copout, a way of not taking responsibility for your own behavior.
Believe me, I have thought long and hard about my part in the certain situations in life that have caused me pain, one in particular. I can say now without any reservations that it was the envy of another person that caused me direct and anguishing pain. It was not because I treated them poorly. The other person wanted my job badly and went on a campaign to seize it out from under me, befriending the new management and spreading gossip about me. I have come to learn that it doesn't matter how talented or "good" one is. It doesn't always get rewarded. If you are in an environment that doesn't value or support you, you could be the best at what you do and still get stepped on. You could be Michael Jackson performing at the local theater company, and if the owner didn't like you for some reason, you could be Michael Jackson, sitting on the street corner out of a job.
Most of us compare ourselves with others, and may feel a twinge of jealousy occasionally. But it is benign and harmless, and passes without incident. But with others, the jealousy eats at them and they actually harm the other person. This usually happens in very subtle ways that are next to impossible for the other person to detect, protect themselves against, and call the person out on.
Thank you again for your post. I think what you say is sensible, and it is something I have given a lot of thought about ... and I continue to.
J



EBRAINK
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9/2/13 11:29 A

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Well said, Truhart.

We can control our own impulse to envy others - that's our work to do, to be more open hearted and kindly.

Neither can we control others' impulses to envy (vs. admire) us, should they have the poverty of spirit and inclination to do so. Dressing down, hiding our lights, underperforming so as not to attract their ill will...well, that just gives them power over us that (in my opinion) they do not deserve to hold.

And yes, some people behave terribly toward others, motivated by envy. Like others who've spoken up here, I've been sabotaged and belittled, and have suffered tangible consequences that probably had envy as the root cause. But I would never dream of bringing anything less than my best to a task. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent".

But, Jasmine, I wonder whether the complexities of your question aren't really nibbling around the edges of the part of the interaction where personal responsibility does really lie. It is very easy to say "they're envious, and that's why they're mean to me". When you say that, of course you will hear this supportive community say "if they're envious, it's therefore not your problem; it's theirs".

But that seems to be an incomplete answer, and perhaps that's why you're pushing against it.

I think you're pushing toward an answer that gives you more personal insight.

So here's what I think: it is far more difficult to say, "I think that person was mean to me because they're envious, but after I've thought long and hard about it, it may also have been because I acted like a jerk".

For example:

"I'm know more about X than they do, and they're envious. But I probably sounded like a smartypants know-it-all when I lectured them for 3 hours about how many years I spent studying that topic in grad school."

"I'm thinner than she is, and she envies that. But I probably sounded like a self-righteous jerk when I told her every detail about my super-clean eating and 20 hours per week at the gym and how she really doesn't have the drive to try it sometime."

"I'm richer than he is, and he envies me. But it was probably rude to go on at length about how I negotiated my last raise by reporting my colleagues' errors and that I never leave more than a 10% tip and that poor people don't deserve to be rich."

"I look great in tight, low-cut dresses and my boss envies me and wants me to stop dressing this way. But now that I think about it, all of the other women are wearing modest blouses and skirts, which seem to be the 'work appropriate' uniform."

Of course those are all extreme examples, but you get my drift.

So, what I do in cases where "envy" seems to be motivating others to try to cut me down, is to examine whether or not my own behavior or attitude was appropriate. This sort of self-examination is very different from "hiding your light under a bushel". Let your inner light shine while you go about your business, but don't demand that every spotlight in the room shine on you. (There is a huge difference between confidence and narcissism.)

Please accept my apologies for the long post; I do hope it didn't sound too much like a lecture. I will plead interest - the back and forth of the question and responses got me thinking.

We succeed when we create conditions for success - and when we can't do that, we create conditions for succeeding within constraints.


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EBRAINK
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9/2/13 10:38 A

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On reading this article, I had a reaction very similar to Amandances' response - what a horrible article, and what bad advice. Honestly, why would I want to cultivate the good opinion of such nasty, mean people? Yeah, I know: everyone encounters such "friends" and "nice" people on the committee in church or in class at school and around the lunch table at work - but I really do my best to develop real friendships with people who are kind and caring, and with whom I can share positive and sustaining relationships. The sort of women described in this article are really awful, Why waste time and health trying to fit in with them, and as Amandances, becoming toxic, too?

But to answer Jasmine's question, I would say no, not consciously. But my family has accepted that "all the women are apple-shaped", and those of us who actively defy that lore get subtle pressure to fit in (as seen in all the food pushers articles and posts). That's a different dynamic (pressure to fit in to the family story, vs. pressure to avoid attracting jealousy) than this toxic cycle.



We succeed when we create conditions for success - and when we can't do that, we create conditions for succeeding within constraints.


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LIZ718
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9/2/13 8:05 A

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Strange.... No I haven't nor would i



CAR227
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9/1/13 6:10 P

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Interesting question to ponder. However, I have never done nor will I.

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EAGLEDALEGIRL
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9/1/13 6:02 P

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no



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CAMEOSUN
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9/1/13 5:45 P

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No way...that's unhealthy on many levels, IMHO.


~ Do what good you can, and go in peace ~



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GMALUCKY13
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9/1/13 2:58 P

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No

"The Food You Eat Today is walking and Talking Tomorrow"
Jack LaLanne


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MMK113
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9/1/13 2:17 P

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No



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DERBIN1
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9/1/13 10:02 A

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No way!

Believe it and you can achieve it!

Don't look back, keep going forward.

Don't let yesterday use up to much of today.


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J2740LOU
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8/31/13 6:00 P

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No. Why would I?



CICELY360
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8/31/13 5:56 P

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No, I've never heard of anyone doing that.



LOWCARBRENEE
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8/31/13 3:15 P

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No way!



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SLIMTHICK2
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8/31/13 2:48 P

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no



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I.M.MAGIC
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8/31/13 12:58 P

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"Do I keep weight on to fit in?"

Heck no! LOL

All my life I'd been a square peg in a round hole. the skinny little kid, the one who sings at work, the one who has a wacked out sense of humor, the one who does her hair a dozen different ways in a week-- that " 'different' person over there..." and have pretty much loved it that way. It didn't matter to me, as long as the people who were important in my life were supportive.

I love who I am because I am always evolving, and that is never boring... I love other people and pleasing them gives me pleasure too--but I used to just either cave in or walk away when I felt conflict in the air, to the point of even leaving behind some of my dreams.

Part of my evolution has been learning to draw the line and say "I like it here, I'm following my dream, so if you have a problem with that, let's talk...but leave the drama at the door!" LOL

(In case you didn't catch that, I don't like living with drama--or conflict--in real life. I AM a ham, though... I have a degree in the entertainment industry! LOL)

I DON'T try to fit in... and now, not only do I love who I am becoming, I LIKE myself a lot more, too! LOL

Hard to have friends if you aren't a friend to yourself!

Kathy emoticon

"The real secret of success is enthusiasm..." Walter P. Chrysler said it, I believe it. That's what I want in my life--to give my imagination a chance, to live with energy and enthusiasm!

Ralph Waldo Emerson said 'Life belongs to the energetic.' But you don't have to be frenetic and hyper--some energy is quiet and steady, like a heartbeat... and that works too! LOL

Life comes in specific increments, which we receive as a gift of one moment at a time. That's why it's called t


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SNOWBECH
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8/31/13 8:25 A

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Never really thought about that. I wonder.


I hope the kids learn as much from me as I do them.


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RENEEN86
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8/31/13 2:45 A

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Jas, I would hope that most of those women don't care one way or the other and only a small percentage might treat you differently (negatively). Since I've lost weight the reaction from other women in my life has actually been positive... I mean, if they're talking behind my back or something, I'm not aware of it. And honestly - I couldn't care less! Their problem, not mine. I'm moving forward and I don't have time for anyone who might drag me back. I will add, however, that my experience doesn't come from a work environment.



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SHERYLDS
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8/30/13 11:36 A

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My connections to people are focused on their personalities
not their physical appearance.
I think I’ve missed out on more things because of my own fears
rather than keeping the weight on in order to fit in.

whoa ELSELTZ ..... loved that sentence
"The most self-involved people I know are those who are trapped in their own pain. I have been there myself when in grief, and known people who live there permanently. They don't inspire envy, but they treat others merely as actors for the drama in their own heads."

I need to remember that

Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 8/30/2013 (11:41)
USA EST


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ELSELTZ
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8/30/13 10:32 A

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I went back and read the original linked article, and this is the only thing in it I think is worthy of further consideration:

"When you walk into a room, does your presence say, “Here I am!” or “There you are?” Like yourself, but love others"

If someone is consciously or unconsciously being arrogant and self-involved, then yes it is going to ruin relationships and that person will benefit from some humility and consideration of others.

However, it is not only the successful/thin/beautiful who are self-involved. The most self-involved people I know are those who are trapped in their own pain. I have been there myself when in grief, and known people who live there permanently. They don't inspire envy, but they treat others merely as actors for the drama in their own heads.

I feel really bad for the author of the divine caroline article - it's one thing to check yourself to see if you are being obnoxious or sending the wrong messages/coming off slutty or pretentious (we can all stand to check ourselves sometimes). But if you are always sitting in the middle of a catfight, you need to redefine the line between "friend" and "person I know".



CATHYSBACK
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8/30/13 10:32 A

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I agree -- a terrible article. The author doesn't seem to like or trust other women very much. Most of the people I know at work and as friends are much thinner than I am, so this doesn't ever come up for me. In fact, I have a related question:

does anyone keep weight on as a kind of rebellion (whether concious or unconscious)?

Cathy in Durham, NC


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NEECOLE09
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8/30/13 9:58 A

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What a terrible article... Why should any woman who exhibits one or more of those good qualities have to hide them or feel ashamed about them to appease the obviously toxic women in their lives? If those are the kind of people that any woman is "friends" with, I would hope she would ditch them and find friends that like her for her good qualities. I've had to do that with a "friend" who was just like that and I don't miss her. And you know what's funny? She was a lot nicer when she was "fat".

"The odds of hitting a target go up dramatically when you aim at it."


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JASMINEMARS
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8/30/13 9:26 A

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Not necessarily to be "popular." But to not stick out and draw attention to oneself, or to attract others' envy.
I work in an office of 20 women and only two are thin. A handful are maybe a few pounds overweight, and the rest (majority) are probably over 250 pounds. A couple over 400. Food is a constant here. Birthday cakes, holiday food gatherings, ordering out for lunch, etc.
Getting another job with comparable salary and conveniences would be difficult for me, though not entirely impossible.
I think that if a thin, fashionable, attractive woman were to work in this department, she would be envied, of course.



RENEEN86
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8/30/13 2:02 A

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Keeping weight on to be popular? I have never heard of this! Why, why, WHY would anybody stay overweight (or obese!) at the expense of their overall health and well-being to appease a few jealous and miserable people in their life? So because others can't get their crap together, you have to DOWNGRADE yourself or else endure ridicule from these bitter self-loathers? Where's the logic in that?

If that's the case for anybody, I recommend UPGRADING your social circle.

Edited by: RENEEN86 at: 8/30/2013 (02:12)

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CALLMECARRIE
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8/29/13 2:42 P

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No, but I have felt the pain of no longer being treated quite the same by one of my oldest friends, who happens to be my old "eating buddy" so to speak.

"I owe everything you see here to spaghetti."

-Sophia Loren


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KITTYCAT64
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8/29/13 8:35 A

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The only fitting in I have done by keeping weight on is I fit into a size 20 top, and pant.

Edited by: KITTYCAT64 at: 8/29/2013 (08:37)

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SUNSET09
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8/29/13 8:34 A

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oh, no! To be healthy and for myself!



 
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ROBBIEY
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8/29/13 8:20 A

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no, not at all



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LJBKENT
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8/29/13 8:18 A

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no



ELIZABETHREBECC
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8/29/13 8:10 A

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No...



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TCANNO
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8/29/13 3:43 A

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no never


How can you know that you can't unless you have tried and failed.

Join the 10 minute challenge and get exercising.

See what you are made of by joining the 100 day challenge.

Links on my Spark page.

Don't forget to make your workout fun so as not to get bored with it.

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PT.JEFFGIRL
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8/29/13 1:45 A

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Definitely not.



WISHNDREAMNDO
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8/29/13 1:22 A

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No, don't really think that's my problem. I often think I would fit in better if I were healthier and felt more comfortable with my body. I wouldn't be so reluctant to try new things.

~Robin~

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…one step at a time.” ~Joe Girard


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PLUGINALONG
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8/28/13 4:31 P

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No.

SPARKERS ROCK!!!!!


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DRTOVAH
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8/28/13 4:29 P

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No, The two areas I've lived in, Florida and New York are both very image sensitive and tend to be of the mindset, thinner the better.



SIMONEKP
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8/28/13 1:11 P

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No, but I've never been a "fit in" kind of person, you either like me as you find me or you don't, either way, it's not my problem. That said, there is a difference in not flaunting and deliberate dimming one's light. For example, I am a number of friends who earn way below my income therefore, if I am inviting them to a group activity, I keep their income level in mind and try to choose something everyone can afford.

Simone

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams

No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch!
Source: unknown



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SCHEALTHNUTT
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8/28/13 11:22 A

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Heck no !!!



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JASMINEMARS
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8/28/13 11:20 A

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SUZIEQ,
Yes, my issue is not shared with everyone, just some people. Everyone has different reasons for why they put weight on. Lots of reasons are common ones, but some are not so common. Some sound like excuses. Some seem ridiculous. Some are very unique. I heard of one woman who kept weight on because her husband wanted another child and she didn't. So as long as she stayed very obese, her doctor said she was too fat to have a baby. Problem solved (but not really).
Thanks for responding.
Jasmine



MI-ELLKAYBEE
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8/28/13 10:12 A

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I keep weight OFF to fit in...

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you”
(Matthew 7:7, NLT)


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SUZIEQUE77
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8/28/13 8:55 A

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Jasminemars,
I do hear what you are saying and do hear about people "sabotaging" themselves in the way you speak of. Maybe I'm just looking at things from my own perpsective.

I have never sabotaged myself about losing weight and there has never been even a hint that I feared people's envy if I was thin. I have always experienced a far more positive life when thin, versus when overweight. There is absolutely nothing in my subconscious that wants me to be overweight.

So why then was I ever overweight? Because I love food and eating. I used it to cope, not with fears of being thin, but to deal with anger, resentment, job stress parenting stress, and every other kind of stress. I also used my substance of choice to celebrate happy times, to console myself in sad times, and just about everything in between.



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WINDANCER99
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8/28/13 8:47 A

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No way!





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