Guilt is HORRIBLE. It has never done one thing to motivate me to make a positive change. In fact, the opposite, it's made me feel like "I don't even DESERVE anything better" and this kind of thinking leads straight down some very self-destructive pathways. I have quite literally punished myself with food, punishing my body with unhealthy food in unhealthy portions. More guilt. Then more loathing. Then more punishment.
Sometime in 2012, I woke up. I don't know what happened inside my head, exactly, but something shifted, and I decided I would simply have to make do with being the best "me" that I could be. Decided that if it really were my destiny to be a big woman, I would make the best of it. Instead of wearing ugly frumpy dowdy clothing (which I suppose was supposed to "motivate" me to lose weight so i could wear more stylish clothing? yeahhhh that... doesn't work), I decided to invest in some nice stylish pieces in my size at the time (22w). I ditched my glasses (frames 10 years out of style) and started wearing contacts. I got my hair done. I bothered with makeup. I decided to try to think of myself as Queen Latifah or Melissa McCarthy.. big women that exude confidence and LOOK DAMN GOOD.
I kind of figured I'd remain a big woman. A *Guilt Free* big woman.
And after about a year of really working on changing my thought process from guilt, loathing and punishment to something a bit more resembling pride and self-appreciation.... *click* "hey, I could... probably drop a few pounds, how hard would it really be? and maybe my damn knees wouldn't hurt so much and maybe i'd be able to do some of the things that my weight has really started to restrict me from doing, that i'd actually like to do again...."
Yeah. I would not be here with a 50+ pound weight loss result if i were still operating on Guilt.
Goal 1 - break 200 (46 pounds lost)**DONE**
Goal 2 - leave obesity behind (BMI 29.9, at 185#) **DONE**
Goal 3 - BMI = Normal (154# or less)
| current weight: 174.0