It's been almost a year and a half since I was properly active on SP. I can't say that I've been doing a lot since, but I've been reflecting about the past, and learning about myself in that time.
I'm losing weight again, though I've moved over to MFP - the tools are simpler, and more like what i was used to on SP. i wrote a blog over there though, that I thought some people on here might appreciate. It's a little graphic however, and I talk about self harm and bulemia, so I'm a bit worried about posting it, but I really want to share. If anyone wants to find me on MFP btw, i'm CloudyMao:
I've always struggled with weight loss, I was always -fat-. In my early teens I started suffering from Bulemia nervosa, an eating disorder which use binging and purging as a method of control, and self harm. In fact i've always been a self harmer. I remember feeling as though i was constantly bullied for the way I looked, and often I was - though the constant was really coming from me, I didn't realise that until recently.
My bulemia went un-noticed for a long time, as I didn't lose any weight as a result, infact I gained weight, steadily, and I gained a more intense hate for myself year after year. Food had completely consumed my life, the way I looked was all I ever thought about myself. I was constantly punishing myself, purging myself.
I was 13 when I first tried to cut off the -fat- from my thighs, I was disgusted with myself. I believed that if I could just get rid of all this -fat-, that I would be perfect - that I could suceed. "i'll get rid of this -fat-, and then I can start living". I was a very secretive person, and I was isolated from my peers and the adults around me, which I didn't realise I had done myself. I had convinced myself that everyone was so disgusted by me, that I shouldn't be around them. - How inconsiderate of me to push my -fat- disgusting self onto those people, they deserved more than to have me around.
Skip forward about 5 years, we've established how I feel about myself at this point, and things only got worse from there - I had attempted to cut parts of myself off again, only to give up and be annoyed with myself for not being able to go through with anything. Constantly had tried crash diets, and "eat only this", but had not been able to stave off the binging and purging, though I had gotten too thin, I (and still have) had body dismorphia, not allowing me to see anything but how -fat- I was. People had started to notice something was wrong, however I had isolated myself so much that no-one realised I needed help.
No-one realised I needed help, with the exception of myself. Around the age of 19 I realised that what I was doing to myself was not right, I had just started to realise that there must be something wrong with me, if I feel I have to physically damage myself to make myself better. I had a rather bad break-up before this, a very serious relationship had ended, and I had gained rather a lot of weight - a result of punishing myself. I was up to my highest. 275lbs in around age 20.
At this time, I had started to cope with my bulemia, I knew which foods triggered me into binging and I tried to avoid them. however I was coping by telling myself things like "you're too fat for that", and other sorts of restrictive attitudes.
I joined sparkpeople, and started educating myself about nutrition, I had tried many diets -"eating less"- and all sorts in the past, but nothing had worked. Thanks to their help I had an understanding of how the body actually works, how nutrition works, and why we need certain varieties, which foods are more nutrient dense. All of this information I felt that I'd been cheated by not knowing before MY TWENTIES.
Over a year, I had managed - with the support of the community at sparkpeople and their tools - to HEALTHILY lose75lbs. I was 200 - in fact at one point I weiged in at 198. that was a year and a half ago, and I honestly can not remember being more happy about myself at that moment. I was healthy, I had accomplished the most beautiful thing I've ever done for myself, and I realised that I had done this because I loved myself, and because I cared about how I treated my body, because I appreciate and love my body. This realisation put a hold on my weight loss. I was so happy with myself, I had started a relationship with an old friend (my now fiancÚ) and I was, and am, really proud of what I've accomplished.
A year and a half forward, I'm 208 as of this morning, three days ago I decided I couldn't let myself sit in this 'overweight' category, I could still do better for myself, I could still reach my UGW of 130-140 and be within the healthy range of the BMI chart. I'm still sitting in obese now, at 33 points. I'm here to change that.
I'm here so that I can make good on my realisation that I love my body, and so that I can make myself even healthier, so that I can make inspiring before and after pictures, and hopefully - so that I can eventually say, I beat bulemia - I got to a healthy weight, and I stayed there. I want to make sure that I get healthy for my body, because I do care about looking after myself.
Edited by: OWNEDBYFERRETS at: 7/13/2013 (07:17)
Finally under 200lbs! ty SP
The ticker is in lbs, not KG.
| Pounds lost: 211.0