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UMBILICAL Posts: 12,141
10/3/14 3:21 P

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-POLEDANCEGIRL-'s Photo -POLEDANCEGIRL- Posts: 13,475
10/3/14 2:57 P

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He sounds like a jerk to me.

You be the best you can be for YOU!! The right person will come into your life and be your partner. I had to do that too. Just say screw it and be all about me for a while.



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FARENC's Photo FARENC Posts: 159
10/2/14 12:34 P

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That guy sounds like a jerk whose mind has been corrupted by crappy media influences.

I am 5'8 and currently at my highest weight ever, 265lbs. I wear a pants size 18/20 and my body is covered in stretch marks from my pregnancy 7 years ago as well as from additional weight gain. I can't yet jog a continuous mile without passing out or throwing up.

I am also about 6 months into what is turning out to be the healthiest dating relationship of my adult life thus far. Though we are currently somewhat long distance (100 miles apart) due to a seasonal job of his, every time we see each other or talk with each other he tells me I'm beautiful. He encourages me to be healthier by going on walks and hikes together and cooking delicious and healthy meals together (he is slightly overweight but far healthier than me) but never tells me I need to be a certain weight, size or athletic ability to earn his love. We met on online dating and I'm not a bit ashamed of that fact.

Confidence, confidence, confidence!! Yes, I'm obese and I dislike that aspect of myself (and and working to change it), but I also like myself for tons of other reasons-- I am smart, driven, inquisitive, involved in my community, a loving mom, good at knitting and gardening and wilderness survival, am friendly and cuddly and kind, etc etc. If you can't name at least ten things you like about yourself right on the spot, you probably shouldn't be dating-- but there's no reason that someone who weighs 140 lbs deserves to date or find a great relationship any more than someone at 240lbs or 340lbs.

Edited by: FARENC at: 10/2/2014 (12:34)
"We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?" - Doctor Who

Highest starting weight- 269lbs.


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ATGOALWT Posts: 90
10/2/14 12:14 P

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Physical attraction is a reality and especially to men more than women. If you were on a dating site you would have a disadvantage being overweight. If you go do something you enjoy like volunteer work or join a club with an activity you have a passion for, a man will see something in you he likes and is attracted to and a friendship will develop. That man will either decide your weight is not a factor or it is to him to take it further or not. He may see you are trying to lose weight and find that attractive. Even when we are thin not every person of the opposite sex is attracted to us. Luckily there is millions of people and every person will meet many people who are attracted to us at the stage we are at now. You just have to do activities to make this happen.

You can always join overeaters anonymous for a safe and loving environment. You will meet men also trying to get healthy. I know a few people who found love at OA when they were both heavy and now live a healthy life together.

PARKSCANADA's Photo PARKSCANADA Posts: 3,031
10/1/14 4:18 P

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Weight should't matter; it should be about who you are as a person. Get to know someone before you decide if they are the best. We all have flaws, some just not as obvious as others.



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TRYINGHARD54's Photo TRYINGHARD54 Posts: 3,627
9/29/14 4:57 A

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I'm glad I don't have to worry about finding a new relationship .


I CAN DO THIS
SCREAMING2A Posts: 52
9/29/14 4:40 A

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People are horrible and shallow and the society and media encourage it.

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2/19/14 11:59 P

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same here, Im a big guy but im lucky to be in relationship that isnt affected by my weight. I think with confidence, being overweight can be overcomed.

SHERRYDM's Photo SHERRYDM Posts: 60
2/7/14 8:37 P

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I have always been bigger, but I feel so lucky that in the relationships I have been in, I was always treated with respect and my SO always made me feel beautiful and sexy. I don't worry about how I look with my clothes off- they know up front I'm overweight lol! My current boyfriend is the same- he makes me feel beautiful, sexy, desirable...He is supportive in my weight loss efforts, but he likes me just the way I am. My personality, my intelligence, my quirks, everything. And to me that is the key. No matter what your size, another person has to like you for who you are at that moment. If you are closed to relationships, you send out that vibe, and guys won't be interested. Once you get in a place where you are happy with yourself the whole world changes- and that should not depend on your weight.

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2/6/14 4:17 P

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Never believe anyone on a chat. You only need to be th best person you can be to yourself.



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2/6/14 2:49 P

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Another reason to not "chat" with some dude you can't really see or know, a lot of guys doing that are too full of themselves already, looking for easy bait. Just an opinion...........

Plan for tomorrow, but enjoy the heck out of today.


LOUNMOUN Posts: 1,308
2/6/14 12:42 P

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I don't think thinner equals better relationships. Weight can be part of someone not making an effort to care for themselves or having low self-esteem. It doesn't mean everyone who is overweight has bad self esteem, does not take care of themselves, or will never be good enough to be in a relationship. It is possible that someone who made a great effort and lost 60 lbs will also have developed a better attitude and more self esteem than they used to.
If losing weight is something you want to do to improve yourself and your quality of life it certainly can be part of your journey to forming better relationships in future.

I think the phrase "being the best you can be" is meant to say that YOU should feel that you are doing your best and that will be reflected to others. It isn't the judgement of others but your own judgement and attitude toward yourself and your actions are the ones that matter.

I would concentrate on working on being happy with who you really are, putting good effort forward in the things you choose to do, being open to new things, being friendly to others and generally projecting a positive attitude.








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2/6/14 10:46 A

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I think you can find that type of relationship at any weight.

The guy who said that you have to be the best of the best, would probably break up with a girl because she drank coffee out of a cereal bowl.

Men are superficial, but I have seen ladies with a whole lot to love in good relationships. At least they seemed good on the outside

Made it to my maintenance weight of 125 pounds.

Eat what you like and if someone comments, eat them too

Please read my blog

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2/6/14 10:40 A

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Just thankful I am not in the dating pool. Have friends that are and it seems to be awful for most it seems.



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ROBBIEBOBBIE84's Photo ROBBIEBOBBIE84 SparkPoints: (844)
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2/6/14 12:37 A

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There are good guys out there looking for a great friendship first. We get overlooked a lot though. The bottom line though people are superficial. We all are in some way or another it is horrible. I strive to not be. But that being said there isn't one person that doesn't deserve to find the love they want. Stick to your guns hold out for what you want and work on your self confidence some. You cant love anyone till you love yourself. Im recently divorced and even as big as I am there are still women interested. So yeah keep on keepin on lol

ps you are hottie anyways lol nothing to worry about id be your friend

Edited by: ROBBIEBOBBIE84 at: 2/6/2014 (09:32)

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FENWAYGIRL18's Photo FENWAYGIRL18 Posts: 5,855
2/5/14 11:21 P

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I think it's sad that your taking a break from dating you could be missing out on finding that one special person in life. No one is perfect (I'm sure the guy your talking about has his flaws, SUPERFICIAL).
A man wants a woman who is confident, smart, good heart, funny and someone that will love them for them, if it was true what this man said then there would be a lot of single people out there because no one is perfect.
No one can love you if you don't love yourself, everyone is flawed even the most beautiful models are photo shopped in magazines including Victoria's Secret models they've shown goofed up photo shopping on them.
You need to stop listening to this guy believe in yourself and put yourself out there, before I met my husband he had girlfriends that let him go cause he was to nice hahaha I couldn't believe such a beautiful soul was single. I guess he didn't rate up to their best , but he sure is the best thing that has ever happened to me besides our son.
Don't sit by and let life happen without you living it, what are you waiting for live your life now!

Starting to like the new me!
Waiting for my garden to come to life!


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2/5/14 7:17 P

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I don't care what size you are if you are insecure you will have to work on your confidence.
Relationships are work...hard work. I believe if you allow the right man to pursue you and wait and require your standards God can bless you with both a friend and a lover.

God is faithful! He is with me! www.facebook.com/thevictoryoverweigh
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4/11/13 7:00 A

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I think people are attracted to others for different reasons. It's true, many men place a lot of emphasis on personal appearance, (whether it be face, body, whatever), but I imagine many women do the same. Some men look for a women who is intelligent and confident . Other men are excited by women with similar interests/views/etc. Some may even be attracted to women with money or women in power... And women, too, look for different things in men. I have a close gf who likes dating men who are athletic b/c she is athletic. I have another friend who married a very kind man with the same religious views and in a similar field. I married a man, that while handsome (to me!), was/is very thoughtful and trustworthy (he's a nurse).
You are VERY pretty and should have no problem dating if you're looking in the right places (maybe you need to join a club or get involved in an organization, something you may be passionate about), it may just take a little time to make a "connection". I think though, it could be somewhat tough if you're not happy about yourself- for whatever the reason. I think you have to love yourself fully before sharing that love with another person (fully), trusting, etc. So while you're looking at what's out there, keep working on being the best that you can be... You'll find a partner, it's just a matter of time, and it's true, you do have to kiss a lot frogs before you meet prince charming! I know I had my fair share! LOL. xoxo



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4/10/13 11:59 A

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Thank you everyone for your responses! :)

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." - Reinhold Niebuhr (Prayer adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous)

"Work It Harder, Make It Better, Do It Faster, Makes Us Stronger,More Than Ever Hour After,Our Work Is Never Over"
-Daft Punk-

"Rome wasn't built in one day!"


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4/10/13 11:59 A

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YOUGOLALA, yes, my thoughts exactly, the insecurity may have to do with something other than the weight. I've yoyo'ed with my weight by 50, 60, 90 pounds at a time. And each time, at the lowest weight, i was still feeling insecure. I gained a lot more confidence, but the insecurity was still there. I've been working through this, with therapy and a low-self esteem self-help book called "Breaking the Chains of Low Self Esteem" by Sorenson. I'm looking forward to working through this issue.

Edited by: LAURA_LYNN at: 4/10/2013 (12:00)
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." - Reinhold Niebuhr (Prayer adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous)

"Work It Harder, Make It Better, Do It Faster, Makes Us Stronger,More Than Ever Hour After,Our Work Is Never Over"
-Daft Punk-

"Rome wasn't built in one day!"


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4/3/13 8:15 A

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Wow, I'm really torn on this subject.
On the one hand, I can say: I agree the guy is superficial.
I once knew a guy who was FAR from perfect who broke up with someone because her toes looked funny in sandals. I tell you this to say that I think a guy who's hung up on having a girl who's the "best of the best" is going to find something "wrong" with anyone and everyone, and the problem with someone like that is inside THEM, not in the person they are dating.

However, that being said, I struggle like CRAZY in a relationship that I LOVE with a man who is very fit, and I'm not. He is very nice about it and accepting of me, tells me he loves me as I am, etc., but "I" make it an issue because deep down I'm not happy with me, and rock the boat and cause problems because of it. I am working very hard at addressing this issue because I know the problem lies with me accepting myself as I am and then making consistent lifestyle changes to meet the goals I've set for myself.

If something DID go wrong with my current relationship, and I found myself single, I don't think I would date right away. Not because I'm overweight, but because I have a negative opinion of myself. That tends to attract the wrong kinds of people. I think I got lucky when I found my fiancé as he's not superficial but I met a million superficial guys before him who made comments like this jerk you just dealt with.

Many find that when they lose weight, the insecurity they'd struggled so long with didn't come from that. That's why I'm trying to get down to the real work of discovering what things about myself trouble me. It's so easy for me to think: if I were thin, all my troubles would disappear. We all know this is unrealistic.


When you accept what IS, you can create what can BE


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BLUENOSE63 SparkPoints: (101,558)
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4/3/13 7:13 A

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All excellent responses.

I have found that men, including my DH, feel that a strong independent woman is a huge drawing card....no one mentioned weight that I polled.



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CMCOLE's Photo CMCOLE Posts: 2,667
4/3/13 7:01 A

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your 'best' can be at any size.

Perhaps the person to which he referred felt horrid about themselves at a bigger size, and portrayed that in her relationships.

It's partly an attitude thing, too. Building relationships is hard work, but it starts with accepting yourself, regardless of whether you're trying to improve or not.

RONIGH's Photo RONIGH Posts: 631
4/3/13 4:49 A

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I don't think anybody obese, or not, should take a break from dating. You just have to keep an open mind. I had a nasty divorce in 2003, after which I lost my job, my savings, and gained over 38 kg (84lbs.). I swore I would never get married again. Then I met my wife Rita (she's as thin as they come (110lbs) in 2007. Five months later we got married. By the way, I was obese at that time. I can safely say that it was not my looks that attracted her to me. Rather, it was my maturity, sense of humour, & the caring aspect of my personality (I'm being very modest). What I'm trying to say is, "never say never". If you're a believer, you know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. If you give up on love, you might miss a once in a lifetime opportunity.



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IMADOTCOMDIVA's Photo IMADOTCOMDIVA Posts: 350
4/3/13 1:50 A

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What is really sad is when you find out your best is not good enough for someone your dating. This happens to people all the time. The sweet and beautiful woman who has tons of great qualities and the guy she is involved with cheats on her. It is not her fault. Some guys, and women for that matter, blow relationships through no fault of the person they are involved in.

I think the one thing that is most important is to take care of you and not settle because you are lonely. You deserve a good person no matter your size. There are some really quality people that we may not even notice because they are over weight. There are some real creeps that are gorgeous.




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4/2/13 10:58 P

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They don't mix

JGIRL5799's Photo JGIRL5799 Posts: 553
4/2/13 10:52 P

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I dated for a very long time until I found the one.. however

When I was dating I was at my top weight at 275 lbs... Yes, I had good dates and bad dates, but a few things were told to me by a few guys..

1... dating is like the wild ... only the fittest, healthiest survive and win.. the weaklings and sickly get eaten and die.. kinda how the dating world is and it certainly wasn't the same in highschool or college... fast ffw a few decades and I was in shock.. what you mean you have sex by the third date now? What! Kidding right? LOL

Guys love woman, strong, confident, those that stand out and can do things.. not just sex..
They are turned on by those that won't wallow and are wishy washy.. Do guys love bigger woman? Sure... but for the most part, they want someone who will take care of themselves..

Being overweight is a huge issue to a lot of folks.. and let's face it..when I was dating, I was not into heavy guys myself.. why? Because I didn't want to get involved thinking they may fall over one day of a heart attack because of their weight. umm hello can we say light bulb moment? I knew then I needed to get healthy and not for them but for me.

Started taking care of myself dropped 45lbs, I am still not "skinny" but I have about 30lbs to go yet.. but my fiance knows I am "trying" to be and to get fit to --the best I can be for him but mostly for me and my family and kids. Would he have dated me at my heaviest? I think not.

Knowing is one thing, but dating .. its a strange world and I felt it be a fishing pool of hook up sex and really not real relationships needs and wants..but there is a percentage of guys that will take you for you no matter what the weight because you are worth more than what guys tell you.. you are worth more and sometimes, you have to fish through a bunch of junky guys to find your one because I promise you, he is out there... just remember that!

Edited by: JGIRL5799 at: 4/2/2013 (22:57)
Julie

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TACDGB's Photo TACDGB Posts: 6,132
4/2/13 10:12 P

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the only person we have to compare ourselves to is the one in the mirror. It's all about being our personal best. We have to love ourselves....be real....be honest and be confident.

Terri


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4/2/13 9:43 P

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"I would sometime ideally like to be in a relationship with someone where there is a friendship and trust developed, before sex comes into the picture."

LAURA_LYNN, more people should be doing that very thing. Not the other way around (assuming you aren't seeking a casual hook-up).

Men are visual creatures. It's not that they're all shallow monsters, they're just wired that way. So yes, women that are healthy & reasonably fit do seem to have more options in the dating pool at first, but that's also true to a degree for men.

I agree on what others have said about confidence. People that are confident often more open....smile more...seem more approachable. Most of us have known someone - male or female - who wasn't the most stunningly attractive but their warmth & personality just drew people to them.
Men do not like angry women. I wouldn't want an angry, bitter guy, either - not a lot of fun.

As for the comment about "only the best get good relationships," that's too subjective to even comment on. People are attracted to who they are attracted to; people stay in relationships because of who you are more than what you look like. Men may be drawn to the shiny wrapping paper w/ the fancy bows, but if there's a bunch of nothing inside, it won't hold their attention for long.

Haven't you known someone who was very physically attractive but then, as character was revealed their attractiveness diminished?
And sometimes it's the opposite. Someone may not strike your fancy at first but as you get to know them, their wonderful traits make them seem more attractive.

Look around at the shopping mall next time you're out. There's all kinds of people paired up. Good relationships aren't exclusively for supermodels.
And if the above doesn't convince you, look at all the attractive people in Hollywood. There are plenty of attractive celebrities w/ looks, status, etc. who end up divorced, etc.

You're a beautiful young lady. Be your happy, rocking best self; work on getting your confidence up and you will be fighting them off with clubs. And choose your dates wisely, grasshopper!

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4/2/13 7:11 P

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I agree with what dadofsparkgal said.

Edited by: SHANSDOINIT79 at: 4/2/2013 (19:12)

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DADOFSPARKGAL's Photo DADOFSPARKGAL Posts: 453
4/2/13 6:43 P

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Looking for a relationship with friendship and trust, and before sex, is absolutely possible regardless of your weight. That being said if you are in a phase of your life where you are very insecure and unhappy it is difficult to build trust or friendship with another person. Also, understand that there are some people for whom appearance is important or even very important in developing close romantic relationships.

The more people that you meet and interact with the better your chance of finding someone you like who also likes you. Best of luck!!


Edited by: DADOFSPARKGAL at: 4/2/2013 (19:18)

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CENOLA's Photo CENOLA Posts: 322
4/2/13 6:22 P

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Before someone else can truly make you happy,You have to be happy with yourself first.

Edited by: CENOLA at: 4/2/2013 (18:25)

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LILYSMOM08's Photo LILYSMOM08 Posts: 1,142
4/2/13 5:48 P

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I agree with most of these posts...........That guy is a jerk, the definition of "best" is totally subjective and there is truth to the comments that being thinner will result in a boost to your self confidence and more romantic opportunities will open up to you, but ultimately it's many factors that determine success in finding love.................Good luck on your journey and just be the best YOU can be...........That "best" is different for each of us. emoticon


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4/2/13 4:51 P

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I don't think you have to be "the best of the best" to find a relationship, because really "the best" is all subjective. That guy you were talking to sounds like an idiot, and he's probably a loser and that's why he hasn't found a relationship yet... unrealistic expectations of what a good relationship and partner even is. You run into that a lot, especially with online dating (not sure if you met this guy online but that's where I saw it a lot). People are looking for perfection, and because they have a whole smorgasboard of people to choose from online, they become overly picky instead of giving someone a chance and getting to know them.

I was single for a very long time before I met my current SO. Some of it had to do with my weight, but I think more of it had to do with my mindset and the fact I wasn't happy at all with my life.... not just my weight, but with everything. I found that once I corrected that, and was content with my life, everything else fell into place. Once I was in a "happy place", I started working on weight loss, and right around the same time I met my SO... so I was bigger when we met. Our relationship isn't perfect, nothing ever is, but it's pretty good.

The story about the girl who was 190 and dropped to 135 then found a relationship, probably had more to do with her having good self confidence and basically just putting out good vibes. Low self confidence is not attractive to anybody, so I think you're right to not even look to date until you can clear your mind and get into a good place.

As for being thinner helping dating... I haven't dated as a thinner person but I will tell you, I get hit on, A LOT, now that I'm thinner. My SO and I will be at hockey games where I'm looking all schleppy, and he'll get up to go to the bathroom or whatever and within a minute or two some guy will come over and start talking to me. That leads me to believe if I ever found myself single again, I wouldn't have any problems finding dates. Finding a great relationship isn't easy for anybody though :) I have plenty of girlfriends who have always been very attractive who are still single.

So again, just work on yourself, work on getting happy and healthy, and the rest will follow.

Working on maintaining at 140!

If you're interested in checking out the food I've made and liked, come visit me on Pinterest, and feel free to follow me:
pinterest.com/julieanneco/foodz-trie
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MYUTMOST4HIM's Photo MYUTMOST4HIM Posts: 11,447
4/2/13 3:43 P

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"The Best of the Best" ACCORDING TO WHO?!?!?!?!

You be the best ACCORDING TO YOU and hold your head high, confidence is attractive and it is the heart that matters. Any guy that puts emphasis on anything else is narrow minded and shallow!!!

"Be not afraid of going slowly, only of standing still"


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4/2/13 2:40 P

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One of the best sayings I ever saw was 'Confidence is sexy.' From personal experience, I believe this to be true because I always attracted a lot of attention when I was most confident in myself. For a while I was totally faking it because I was not at all sure about my body, future, goals, etc. But as long as *you* believe you are amazing others will too.



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LILLIPUTIANNA's Photo LILLIPUTIANNA Posts: 1,038
4/2/13 2:39 P

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That someone you talked to sounds like a superficial jerk. The next time you see him, tell him to send me an email. I'd LOVE to have a little discussion with him.

I am by no measure "the best of the best." I do however have an amazing, respectful, loving, and fun relationship with my husband.

The people who will only respect and love you if you are thin aren't worth your time. Your personal worth should not be defined by a number on a scale.




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SHERYLDS's Photo SHERYLDS Posts: 12,180
4/2/13 2:26 P

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People are attracted by what they see, and the better we present ourselves, the more opportunities to connect. If you saw someone you didn’t like the looks of…you might not be as tempted to approach him. So the better you look and feel, the more confidence you have about yourself (by being the best you can be) … the better. And when you are looking for a meaningful relationship, nothing beats a confident person with a warm friendly personality. Putting yourself in social situations where people can get to know you, allows you to form relationships based on friendship and trust. Volunteer groups are great for this. Even if it doesn't result in a romance, it's a way of developing some terrific friendships this way.

Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 4/2/2013 (14:28)
Sheryl from New Jersey, USA... EST


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LAURA_LYNN's Photo LAURA_LYNN SparkPoints: (10,483)
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4/2/13 2:07 P

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was just in a chat with someone. I mentioned to him that I would sometime ideally like to be in a relationship with someone where there is a friendship and trust developed, before sex comes into the picture. He ended up asking me if I'm doing my best to be the best person I can be, at work, at the gym, etc. And he said that "only the best of the best get relationships like that." I've heard this many times before from other people, that the only way to find a friendly trust based relationship is by being 'the best.' He started to tell me about a girl who was 190lbs and dropped down to 135lbs and found this type of relationship. I got a little frustrated by this, because I know people who are in relationships and they're overweight, and they seem to have that friendly/trust based type of relationship.

I'm not even looking to date right now, as I feel so insecure about my weight and other things, I'm just taking a step back from dating. I'm also struggling with the thought that I'm not relationship worthy because of my weight. I want to lose weight for my health, but I can't help but think that being thinner will help my dating life once im ready to date again.
d like to hear some feed back on this topic...thanks.

Edited by: LAURA_LYNN at: 4/2/2013 (14:29)
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." - Reinhold Niebuhr (Prayer adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous)

"Work It Harder, Make It Better, Do It Faster, Makes Us Stronger,More Than Ever Hour After,Our Work Is Never Over"
-Daft Punk-

"Rome wasn't built in one day!"


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