Advertisement -- Learn more about ads on this site.

 
Message Boards
FORUM:   SparkPeople Cafe
TOPIC:  

Stop by and leave a joke!



 
  Reply Create A New Topic
Search the
Message Boards:
Search
  I Liked This Topic Subscribe to this Discussion Share
Add This to My SparkFavorites
Advertisement -- Learn more about ads on this site.

Author: Message: Sort First Post on Top
 
ANARIE is the moderator for this forum.
 


WINSTONSUZ
WINSTONSUZ's Photo Posts: 4,456
4/23/14 5:18 P

WINSTONSUZ's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Husband’s Message (by mobile phone):
Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office this afternoon. Paula took me to the hospital where they've been doing some tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head, though pretty bad, will not have any serious or lasting effects, but I do have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture to the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife’s Response:
Who is Paula??


Do what you have to to be happy in this life.....
(quote from Bridges of Madison County)

The animals have no voice but ours....
(motto of our animal shelter)

What have you done today to make yourself proud? (biggest loser)



 current weight: 192.0 
 
198
183.5
169
154.5
140


NEWLITTLE1
NEWLITTLE1's Photo Posts: 640
4/20/14 2:16 P

NEWLITTLE1's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
How do you make a tissue dance?


You put a little BOOGIE in it :)

(from teh mouth of an 8 year old lol)

Darrah :)

"No one can do everything but EVERYONE can do something."

" Success is not judged by another's point of view; rather it is the measure of your own positive mindset"


"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow" Make the most of every minute and you will have no regrets only wonderful memories :)


 Pounds lost: 14.6 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55


WINSTONSUZ
WINSTONSUZ's Photo Posts: 4,456
4/20/14 9:38 A

WINSTONSUZ's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

When the young boy says. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, No, "I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment... then says "you'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $50 for the pigs,
but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."


Do what you have to to be happy in this life.....
(quote from Bridges of Madison County)

The animals have no voice but ours....
(motto of our animal shelter)

What have you done today to make yourself proud? (biggest loser)



 current weight: 192.0 
 
198
183.5
169
154.5
140


WINSTONSUZ
WINSTONSUZ's Photo Posts: 4,456
4/10/14 4:12 P

WINSTONSUZ's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house
with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who
installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hello…? Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically
stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year...
that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a
year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end
of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an
idiot.


Do what you have to to be happy in this life.....
(quote from Bridges of Madison County)

The animals have no voice but ours....
(motto of our animal shelter)

What have you done today to make yourself proud? (biggest loser)



 current weight: 192.0 
 
198
183.5
169
154.5
140


KRISB1225
KRISB1225's Photo SparkPoints: (6,335)
Fitness Minutes: (4,500)
Posts: 36
3/27/14 7:56 A

Send Private Message
Reply
Mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here" The mushroom replies "Why I'm a fun guy (fungi)?"
emoticon



 April Minutes: 1,175
 
0
90
180
270
360


WINSTONSUZ
WINSTONSUZ's Photo Posts: 4,456
3/27/14 2:58 A

WINSTONSUZ's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.


Do what you have to to be happy in this life.....
(quote from Bridges of Madison County)

The animals have no voice but ours....
(motto of our animal shelter)

What have you done today to make yourself proud? (biggest loser)



 current weight: 192.0 
 
198
183.5
169
154.5
140


WINSTONSUZ
WINSTONSUZ's Photo Posts: 4,456
3/26/14 6:22 P

WINSTONSUZ's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”




Do what you have to to be happy in this life.....
(quote from Bridges of Madison County)

The animals have no voice but ours....
(motto of our animal shelter)

What have you done today to make yourself proud? (biggest loser)



 current weight: 192.0 
 
198
183.5
169
154.5
140


BACKNBUSINESS
BACKNBUSINESS's Photo Posts: 511
3/23/14 3:34 P

BACKNBUSINESS's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Funny stuff

I will not support the fat!!


 current weight: 200.0 
 
200
183.25
166.5
149.75
133


WINSTONSUZ
WINSTONSUZ's Photo Posts: 4,456
3/23/14 11:20 A

WINSTONSUZ's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A woman was walking down a street when she heard a voice from behind, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The woman stopped and a big brick fell right in front of her. The woman was astonished.

She went on, and after a while she was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.”

The woman did as she was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing her.

The woman asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh, yeah?” the woman exclaimed “And where
were you when I got married?”



well ain't that the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROFL!!!!!!!!!

Do what you have to to be happy in this life.....
(quote from Bridges of Madison County)

The animals have no voice but ours....
(motto of our animal shelter)

What have you done today to make yourself proud? (biggest loser)



 current weight: 192.0 
 
198
183.5
169
154.5
140


LOLA_LALA
LOLA_LALA's Photo Posts: 659
3/11/14 7:03 P

Send Private Message
Reply
The bear went over the mountain to see what he could see.



 current weight: -2.0  under
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5


ANAMORPHOSIS
ANAMORPHOSIS's Photo Posts: 1,617
3/11/14 5:53 P

Send Private Message
Reply
A mole sticks his head out of his hole one spring morning and says, "I smell maple syrup!" His mother comes up behind, squeezes beside him, pokes her nose out of the hole and says, "I smell maple syrup!" The father mole comes up behind them and tries to stick his nose between them. He says, "I don't smell maple syrup, all I smell is mole-asses!"

Edited by: ANAMORPHOSIS at: 3/11/2014 (17:54)
Like Gold to Aery Thinness Beat. ~John Donne


 current weight: 94.0 
 
114
109
104
99
94


WINSTONSUZ
WINSTONSUZ's Photo Posts: 4,456
3/11/14 11:25 A

WINSTONSUZ's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
The programmer's wife tells him "run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen"

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Do what you have to to be happy in this life.....
(quote from Bridges of Madison County)

The animals have no voice but ours....
(motto of our animal shelter)

What have you done today to make yourself proud? (biggest loser)



 current weight: 192.0 
 
198
183.5
169
154.5
140


WINSTONSUZ
WINSTONSUZ's Photo Posts: 4,456
3/4/14 11:35 A

WINSTONSUZ's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A woman runs out of a Las Vegas casino and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My husband had a terrible accident."

The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"

The woman replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

Do what you have to to be happy in this life.....
(quote from Bridges of Madison County)

The animals have no voice but ours....
(motto of our animal shelter)

What have you done today to make yourself proud? (biggest loser)



 current weight: 192.0 
 
198
183.5
169
154.5
140


WINSTONSUZ
WINSTONSUZ's Photo Posts: 4,456
2/27/14 12:51 P

WINSTONSUZ's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind." So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove. When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?" Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes........


Do what you have to to be happy in this life.....
(quote from Bridges of Madison County)

The animals have no voice but ours....
(motto of our animal shelter)

What have you done today to make yourself proud? (biggest loser)



 current weight: 192.0 
 
198
183.5
169
154.5
140


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
2/25/14 7:34 P

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?" "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge. "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me." "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

emoticon

Edited by: OBIESMOM2 at: 2/25/2014 (19:34)
group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


BETTERME8913
BETTERME8913's Photo SparkPoints: (3,877)
Fitness Minutes: (627)
Posts: 628
2/24/14 12:28 A

BETTERME8913's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Why do blondes always tell dumb jokes?




So men can understand them too! emoticon



 Pounds lost: 22.0 
 
0
6.75
13.5
20.25
27


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
2/23/14 7:29 P

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2014 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.



2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.



3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.




4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.



6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.



7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen




8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.



10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee




11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )



12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.



13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.



14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.



15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list


group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


ANAMORPHOSIS
ANAMORPHOSIS's Photo Posts: 1,617
2/23/14 9:26 A

Send Private Message
Reply
"I see! ," said the carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Like Gold to Aery Thinness Beat. ~John Donne


 current weight: 94.0 
 
114
109
104
99
94


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
2/23/14 7:18 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?



























A roaming catholic.


group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
2/22/14 3:42 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A man walks into a clock repair shop and the repairman is German and says, "So? Vat sims to be ze problem?"
"It's my grandfather clock. It doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick."
"Mmm-Hm! I sink I can fix zis. Let me look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
emoticon

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
2/20/14 7:47 P

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Professions



An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
(Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)


group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


GONNALOSE5
GONNALOSE5's Photo Posts: 563
2/20/14 9:22 A

GONNALOSE5's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I so love item #1. It's funny and sometimes oh, so true. emoticon

A favorite quote "It is never too late to be what you might have been." by George Eliot.


Total SparkPoints: 11,920
 
10,000
11,249
12,499
13,749
14,999
SparkPoints Level 11


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
2/20/14 5:56 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who live by the gun.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25

Online Now
JUDYAMK
JUDYAMK's Photo SparkPoints: (21,130)
Fitness Minutes: (6,219)
Posts: 1,347
2/20/14 4:56 A

JUDYAMK's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Obiesmom I had a real good laugh over this, my Mom told everyone of us 6 kids the same thing thanks for the memories!!!
Judy



 current weight: 165.0 
 
166
158.5
151
143.5
136


GONNALOSE5
GONNALOSE5's Photo Posts: 563
2/19/14 8:34 A

GONNALOSE5's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Old man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup.
The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.
“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.
“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.
“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks. “No.” “Too cold?” “No.” “Too salty?” “No.”
The waiter calls for the maitre d’, and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?” “No, no no.”
Finally the chief, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”
Says the old man: “A-ha!” emoticon

A favorite quote "It is never too late to be what you might have been." by George Eliot.


Total SparkPoints: 11,920
 
10,000
11,249
12,499
13,749
14,999
SparkPoints Level 11


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
2/19/14 3:52 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions:


Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

365.25 days: 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
2/16/14 11:04 P

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC ..
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ...
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ..
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


GONNALOSE5
GONNALOSE5's Photo Posts: 563
2/16/14 9:38 A

GONNALOSE5's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Ghosts wear boo jeans.

A favorite quote "It is never too late to be what you might have been." by George Eliot.


Total SparkPoints: 11,920
 
10,000
11,249
12,499
13,749
14,999
SparkPoints Level 11


GRUMPY-
GRUMPY-'s Photo SparkPoints: (7,118)
Fitness Minutes: (1,230)
Posts: 159
2/16/14 8:37 A

GRUMPY-'s SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Why do pirates always carry a bar of soap with them when they walk the plank ?

Cause they know that they will be washing up on shore later. emoticon Aarrgghh !

It's not who you are that keeps you back, it's who you think you're not. So start believing in yourself !


 current weight: 225.7 
 
230
217.5
205
192.5
180


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
2/16/14 8:31 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
...Like A Fine Wine


....Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity, and intoxicating to the mind, and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache. - Unknown Male Author



....Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with. - Unknown Female Author
emoticonemoticonemoticonemoticonemoticon


group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


SHERILEE13
SHERILEE13's Photo SparkPoints: (7,513)
Fitness Minutes: (7,583)
Posts: 108
2/10/14 10:47 P

SHERILEE13's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Bruce Lee does not drink water he drinks wataaaaa. This made me laugh and of course I did the voice in my head emoticon



 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
8.5
17
25.5
34


ANAMORPHOSIS
ANAMORPHOSIS's Photo Posts: 1,617
2/10/14 9:36 P

Send Private Message
Reply
Why do you find only one shoe by the side of the road?
The other one ran off with the sock that's missing from the laundry.

Like Gold to Aery Thinness Beat. ~John Donne


 current weight: 94.0 
 
114
109
104
99
94


ANAMORPHOSIS
ANAMORPHOSIS's Photo Posts: 1,617
2/10/14 9:35 P

Send Private Message
Reply
Murphy's first corollary: If anything CAN'T go wrong, it will.

Like Gold to Aery Thinness Beat. ~John Donne


 current weight: 94.0 
 
114
109
104
99
94


ANAMORPHOSIS
ANAMORPHOSIS's Photo Posts: 1,617
2/10/14 4:54 P

Send Private Message
Reply
A guy walks into a bar with his dog. He tells everyone, "My dog can talk!" and asks, what is on top of this building? The dog says "rrroof!" Next the man asks, who is the greatest baseball player of all time? The dog answers "rroof." Man says, "He means Babe Ruth." The people in the bar say, "Get out of here, he can't talk!" The man leaves the bar and his dog turns to him and says, "Do you think I should have said Mickey Mantle instead?"

Like Gold to Aery Thinness Beat. ~John Donne


 current weight: 94.0 
 
114
109
104
99
94


SHKIRK
Posts: 761
2/10/14 4:34 P

SHKIRK's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
What did the man tell his doctor after stepping in front of a bus?
I have this "run down "feeling



MNCYCLIST
MNCYCLIST's Photo Posts: 6,160
2/10/14 2:53 P

MNCYCLIST's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I just learned that my father was a Siamese twin. Yeah, his brother was my uncle on my father's side...but now he's my uncle once removed.

"Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come" (1Timothy�4:7-8)

"Jesus answered, 'The most important [commandment] is, 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength'" (Mark 12:29-30).


 current weight: 222.6 
 
235
227.5
220
212.5
205


WINSTONSUZ
WINSTONSUZ's Photo Posts: 4,456
2/10/14 2:54 A

WINSTONSUZ's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.


5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.


10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.


11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.


12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.


13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.


14 .. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.


15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.





Do what you have to to be happy in this life.....
(quote from Bridges of Madison County)

The animals have no voice but ours....
(motto of our animal shelter)

What have you done today to make yourself proud? (biggest loser)



 current weight: 192.0 
 
198
183.5
169
154.5
140


MNCYCLIST
MNCYCLIST's Photo Posts: 6,160
2/9/14 10:47 P

MNCYCLIST's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Have you heard about the man who had his left side removed? Don't worry, he's all right.

"Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come" (1Timothy�4:7-8)

"Jesus answered, 'The most important [commandment] is, 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength'" (Mark 12:29-30).


 current weight: 222.6 
 
235
227.5
220
212.5
205


WINSTONSUZ
WINSTONSUZ's Photo Posts: 4,456
2/9/14 8:19 P

WINSTONSUZ's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
since we're getting all this snow this winter....... thought I'd post this joke......

On a bitterly cold winter's morning, a husband and wife in the North Hills of Pittsburgh were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently". So, the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park. . . . . . But then the power went off!!!

The good wife was very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on, so the snow plows can get through??"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"


Do what you have to to be happy in this life.....
(quote from Bridges of Madison County)

The animals have no voice but ours....
(motto of our animal shelter)

What have you done today to make yourself proud? (biggest loser)



 current weight: 192.0 
 
198
183.5
169
154.5
140


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
2/3/14 9:38 P

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A man has a ticket to the Super Bowl and when he gets there he notices there's a much better seat available next to a guy.
He asks if the seat was taken and the guy said "No, it was my wife's but she died."
The man says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you find a neighbor, friend or relative to join you for the game?"
He responded, "No, they're all at the funeral."
emoticon

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
2/1/14 7:12 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit it..........

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/28/14 2:42 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long, suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So, God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

SO: That is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we work to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


COOMAM
Posts: 10
1/26/14 2:57 P

Send Private Message
Reply
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall.....DAM



 current weight: 121.0 
 
131
127
123
119
115


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/26/14 7:45 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
why do bees have sticky hair?












because they use a honey comb emoticon

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/26/14 7:16 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
An old man needing hospitalization was taken to a Catholic Hospital where he recovers.

Nursing Nun, 'you're doing find, you can go now. But how are you going to pay? Are you covered by Health Insurance?'

'No.' he feebly whispers.

'Can you pay in cash?'

'I'm afraid not, Sister.'

'Do you have any friends or relatives?'

'I just have a sister and she's a spinster nun.'

'Nuns are not spinsters, they are married to God.'

'Okay,' croaks the feeble, old man, 'then bill my brother-in-law.'

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/13/14 8:21 P

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a taxi and the driver says,

"How are you on this lovely day?"

"I'm the Class of 2011 just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch. Class of 1959"

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


GRUMPY-
GRUMPY-'s Photo SparkPoints: (7,118)
Fitness Minutes: (1,230)
Posts: 159
1/12/14 12:09 P

GRUMPY-'s SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Why did the pirate refuse to shower before walking the plank?

He knew that he would wash up on shore later.

emoticon Aaarrrggghhh !

It's not who you are that keeps you back, it's who you think you're not. So start believing in yourself !


 current weight: 225.7 
 
230
217.5
205
192.5
180


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/12/14 7:20 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:


First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.


The student got an A on the exam.

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/11/14 4:20 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' 'Good morning Father,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.

'Father, what is this? ' The priest said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

'Which service, the 8:45 or the 11:00?'


group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/8/14 6:05 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
It’s the first week of the college year, and a new batch of law students are attending their first lecture.

The professor asked a student if he knew what the Roe vs Wade decision was.

The student sat quietly, pondering this profound question for a good few minutes, while all you could hear was the clock ticking.

Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, “I believe, sir, this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware.”


group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/7/14 1:39 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/6/14 6:22 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only."
The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour, Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"








"To your wife."
emoticon

Edited by: OBIESMOM2 at: 1/6/2014 (06:23)
group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


UMBILICAL
Posts: 10,432
1/6/14 6:20 A

UMBILICAL's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
No joke?



OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/6/14 5:43 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/4/14 6:54 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
How Many Members of Your Sign Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?


ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?

TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that light bulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.

GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the light bulb.

CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process. OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.

LEO: Leos do not change their own light bulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.

VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.

LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?

SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough.
OR: None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--

PISCES: What light bulb?

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/2/14 1:36 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Puns for the Educated


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much Pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker --- but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it...

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
1/1/14 7:40 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."




group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
12/31/13 6:30 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What is in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'


group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
12/30/13 7:51 P

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.

"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case."

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


SHERYLDS
SHERYLDS's Photo Posts: 11,278
12/30/13 11:07 A

SHERYLDS's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
a few little metaphors ?????

Lord of the Rings -- A teen with an overabundance of body piercing

Bora Bora -- a long business meeting where they take hours to discuss something that should only take 1/4 of the time

The Grifters -- kids who start behaving and volunteering to help, in anticipation of asking for something they want.....or soften the blow from something they did

A Headless Horseman -- a short senior citizen whose head is barely visable over the steering wheel

Withering Heights -- getting shorter as you age

Alice in Wonderland -- someone in desperate need of a reality check

Crapulent - has 2 meanings
...........1. being well versed in the art of B.S.
...........2. .stuff you loan to people who promise to return them

Houdini -- someone who does a disappearing act whenever there is work to be done

A Walking Billboard -- someone with a little too many tatoos

The Terminator Commentator -- someone who knows just how to say the wrong thing at just the right time

The Commentator Terminator -- someone who knows just what to say to make the Terminator Commentator shut up

Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 12/30/2013 (11:08)
USA EST


 Pounds lost: 2.0 
 
0
3
6
9
12


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
12/30/13 1:22 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
a husband arrives home after a day on the golf course. His wife asks, "How was your day?"

he replies, "Awful. Harry had a massive heart attack and died on the first hole."

the wife says, "oh! I'm so sorry. You must be devastated. He was your best friend."

the husband replies, "actually, I'm worn out. All day long it was hit the ball, and drag Harry."

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
12/29/13 8:31 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried face down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
12/28/13 4:37 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a database and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"All right. Well, I guess you can take one of my herd" says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog."

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


BERRY4
BERRY4's Photo SparkPoints: (124,161)
Fitness Minutes: (83,414)
Posts: 6,383
12/28/13 1:47 A

BERRY4's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Speaking with other guests at a dinner party, one piped up and said, "I don't eat much red meat!" My friend said, I don't either. I cook it first!"

"We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible."
~C. Malesherbes~

"Your mind will be like its habitual thoughts; for the soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts."
Marcus Aurelius (121-180 AD)





 April Minutes: 720
 
0
275
550
825
1100


PRAIRIEGIRL44
PRAIRIEGIRL44's Photo Posts: 105
12/27/13 3:48 P

PRAIRIEGIRL44's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Steven Wright --- "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included" --- LOL one of my favorites!



 Pounds lost: 2.8 
 
0
5.5
11
16.5
22


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
12/27/13 9:57 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
12/26/13 2:59 P

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
why did the cop stay in bed?






























because he was under cover emoticon

group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


OBIESMOM2
OBIESMOM2's Photo SparkPoints: (58,398)
Fitness Minutes: (35,692)
Posts: 4,388
12/20/13 12:21 A

OBIESMOM2's SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Jacob, age 92, and Reba, age 91, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."



Reba speaks up and says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."


group leader, Reaching Our Goals in 2014 - JOIN US!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58417


The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker; a person who has the skills, abilities, talents and tools, yet chooses not to use them.
~Heather Whitestone

Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
6.25
12.5
18.75
25


 
Page: 1 of (23)   [ 1 ] 2 next page > last »
Search  

I Liked This Topic Subscribe to this Discussion Share
Add This to My SparkFavorites
Report Innappropriate Post


Thread URL: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/messageboard.asp?imboard=1&imparent=25099091

Review our Community Guidelines



 
Diet Resources: polar personal trainer | personal trainer certifications | becoming personal trainer