"Do you remember first meeting your wife?"
"Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter agai... Read more
Duck decoys, fishing rods, boots -- outdoor gear of all kinds was piled high in the garage. One day I found my wife staring at the mess. "I hope I die first, so I don't have to get rid of all this," she sighed.
"Look on the bright side," I ... Read more
Late Night Funny #1
According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat – which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican.
Late Night... Read more
Why Specs Live Forever
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads wer... Read more
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our se... Read more
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone,... Read more
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withd... Read more
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or ... Read more
In '88 we had to go to The Big Apple for an exit interview after an overseas contract. Our way was paid: 6 days 5 nights, airfare. Only had to meetings and a Dr's appt on the schedule. Unfortunately DH fell into a pothole (do they decorate th... Read more
You Know You're From New York When...
You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.
You take the train home and you know exactly... Read more
I was preparing lunch for my granddaughter when the phone rang. "If you can answer one easy trivia question," a young man said, "you'll win ten free dance lessons!"
Before I could tell him I was not interested he continued, "You'll be a lu... Read more
"The NYPD is apparently teaching its officers how to be more polite. It's true last time I got frisked, the cop was like, 'Have you lost weight?'" -Jimmy Fallon
A minor league ballplayer, left in charge of a baby cousin, suddenly r... Read more