Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the re... Read more
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it li... Read more
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Dog for sale: eats anything and is ... Read more
Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yo... Read more
Twelve-step jargon has seeped into the language. I was trying to get my son to do his homework. "What's the assignment?" I asked.
"Write a paper on a national leader," he answered.
I pressed, "And what's the first step?"
"Admittin... Read more
- Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
- Still boots to DOS.
- Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
- Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
- Stuck on the down escalator... Read more
A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the ps... Read more
A man was praying to God.
He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is... Read more
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a ... Read more
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except th... Read more
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?"
"Yes", the boy replied.
"Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one... Read more