The New Baby
With all the new fertility technology , a 66 year old woman was recently able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not y... Read more
Johnny in Church
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to d... Read more
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper.
Drag my heels
... Read more
Real Sick Notes To School
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. S... Read more
You Might Be From New York If. . .
* You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
* You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
* The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything ... Read more
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!"
The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"
The father paused, smiled, ... Read more
A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.
Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the docto... Read more
Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
... Read more
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that ... Read more
Red Skeleton's Tips For A Happy Marriage (Remember Him?)
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I... Read more
A Cat in Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a moment and then said, "All my life I lived on a... Read more
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.
My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the cha... Read more
Men(!) and Football
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right m... Read more
Marriage Quotes (Just For Fun)
-- At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
-- A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hun... Read more
A One-Wish Genie
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold 'a genie' appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are ... Read more
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