1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eg... Read more
10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You sh... Read more
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I ca... Read more
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
... Read more
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full
swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling
the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners... Read more
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER
MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think ... Read more
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here
and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when i... Read more
I never knew this.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica
where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic Bird whic... Read more
I have a job.
I work, they pay me.
I pay my taxes & the government
distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that paycheck, in my case,
I am required to pass a random urine test
(with ... Read more
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the
church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small
American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been st... Read more
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and
asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie... Read more
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD GIRL IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HER MOTHER
THINKS SHE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S
UP. THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
ABOUT EVERY 15 SECOND... Read more
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, ... Read more