THE TOILET SEAT
My wife had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take ... Read more
30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes
I found myself in a pub in Cork. A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you are great drinkers.
I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in ... Read more
Odd Spot 30.
Drugs suspect Jason Duval has convinced a US judge to take his Nike sneakers instead of cash for his bail. Judge Douglas Stoddart wanted him jailed for failing to pay $450 court costs but liked the sneakers-for-bail idea suggested by Duval. He... Read more
Gentlemen and Ladies!
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's as* anymore.
.... If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.... A whale swims all day, mai... Read more
Seniors Under Attack!
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!
We Must Stop This Immediately !
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away.
Yesterday I walked to the corner ... Read more
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop. W... Read more
A Nice Lawyer Story.
If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read the best lawyer story of all time...bar none.
The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a United Way volunteer paid the... Read more
Murder at Coles Supermarket.
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'f... Read more
One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Way... Read more
Slips of the tongue.
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Meh... Read more
Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it be... Read more
Merry Christmas Girl Friends and a Happy New Year!
I received this from a girlfriend and enjoyed it so thought I would send it on.
Merry Christmas To My Female Friends
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some ... Read more
Odd Spot #29.
An online survey in Britain by Netmums found one in five children between 5 and 12 believes Jesus plays soccer for Chelsea and the shepherds used Google Maps to find the infant Jesus. One in four think the Virgin Birth took place in a church an... Read more
A Nun Grading Papers
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL... Read more
As I (we) age.
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security
rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the ... Read more
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