Haven't been doing well...
I have this mug with a poem on it about how you gotta throw yourself in the river, away from the shore, and let it carry you because the river knows its destination. Trying to catch onto the sides or control your direction will only harm you. I'... Read more
Sugar Challenge: Recap of Week 1
Looking back over the week (really? Just a week?) my notes tell me the following:
There are two points during the day which hurt me: 4pm lull (even unemployed I get that lull!) and then the space after dinner where I am thinking, "Where's d... Read more
Watching my binge and bringing gentleness
Today I had lunch with my husband and his drum circle. They watched me drink a beer and eat only half my lunch. I mentioned briefly that I ran six miles that morning and biked (a quarter mile) to meet them. Perhaps they admired my healthiness: m... Read more
Binge coping: a new trick
I binged. I'm not going to tell you what or how many calories because it really doesn't matter. I ate past the point of satiation when I wasn't really hungry to begin with, and it was enough of a "mistake" to affect my health. I also overate to ... Read more
I take you for granted.
Sometimes I go crazy with the calorie counting and the fat and the protein (I NEVER GET ENOUGH PROTEIN!) and don't even start me with my carbs. Then I blame you for making me look at my own mess.
How dare you po... Read more
Dear scared, angry Aubrey,
I know sometimes you feel helpless and useless. I know you have large stretches of memory where you did nothing but zone out to TV for weeks at a time, barely even making conversation or doing your homework. I kno... Read more
Emotional eating and fear.
I can spit out the rhetoric concerning emotional eating like no other and yet I still have no idea what it is. I have a sad, stupid image in my head of some girl sitting on the couch and weeping while shoveling Ben and Jerry's into her mouth. Um... Read more
It's more than being fat.
In order to live as an obese child and teenager I had to disassociate from my body. I've been able to reverse some of that on my own, but there is still one unexplored frontier: my pelvis. I have absolutely no idea what my pelvic floor is, but m... Read more
Why you sometimes have to leave.
When I was fifteen I felt like I was a mute. My language was not my own, I felt the increasing pressure of not having a catharsis. I could not articulate myself through language, music, art, dance, or any other form that I tried. I didn't unders... Read more
Day 10 of 90: Cycles
I was delighted to get my body fat percentage read again on Tuesday, and when he said "twenty-eight percent" I about spit. I LOST SIX PERCENT??!
"Uh, no. You were 28% last week, too. If anything, you went up .00483%"
But I didn't hear tha... Read more
Day 01 of 90: Beginnings
Well, this time they were thorough. They weighed me in (170lbs) and took so many measurements that I thought I was at a haberdasher's! They measured my neck, shoulders, bust, chest, waist, hips, thigh, calf, and both my flexed and unflexed bicep... Read more
Spartacus and smoothies
Here I am drinking my post-ST smoothie (ingredients listed from most prevalent to least): water, frozen blueberries, almonds, chocolate, coconut pulp, parsley, chia seeds. I know, right? Can't make this stuff up.
The work out went surprisin... Read more
Would it be too much?
I haven't been to martial arts in a month. There is real shame in that. It is like saying, "I am scrimping and saving and struggling to hold onto every penny, but I just let these $120 fly by"
It's like saying, "I really love this guy, he m... Read more
Day one of many
Today was the first day I woke up feeling hopeful.
Well, that's not entirely true. I woke up, realized it was already eleven (yes, I'm unemployed.) and that I had a yoga class at noon. By the way it takes me about 30 minutes to bike there.
I... Read more
In my three areas I shall pick two small but substantial goals. If I then trust the process, I shall see greater consequences of my small actions.
1) write minimum of 1000 words for novel
2) volunteer 1 day a week at the food pantr... Read more
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