_COSMOPAULATAN_'s SparkPeople Blog

It's Only Been 2 Months

Fri, 10 May 2013 19:00:20 EST

Good Lord. I need a vacation. Let's see...

I'm in the second week of my 4th class. 10 weeks left of 30 weeks in a row, then I get a break.
I got my capstone project preliminarily approved.
I have no idea how much I weigh, nor do I care (not a good thing).
Food is a free-for-all.
I sold my house.
I have to be out by July 1.
I have no where to live.

That's about it. And that's enough really. I've hit my limit, I really can't handle ...

The Pedicure That Changed My Life

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 18:22:31 EST

It's been no secret that I've been unhappy for a long time. Unhappy = eat. Eat = unhappy. Great combo. Grad school has been difficult, and adjusting to another 20+ hours in my week on top of working full time has presented its own challenges. I've felt hopeless, and helpless, to have things change.

I planned another 5K birthday weekend this year. People either didn't commit at all or cancelled. I was definitely discouraged and disappointed. I was planning on staying in all ...

Empty

Sat, 9 Mar 2013 22:05:37 EST

Hey friends. I've been full on MIA from a lot of my life. After a little bit of journeling today, I identified that it is Empty. I feel Empty and because I feel Empty I eat. Sad? Eat. Angry? Eat. Trying to fill the cavern of loneliness I feel in my heart? Eat.

I don't want to feel like this the rest of my life. I miss the days where I didn't wake up every day and hate myself and the way I look. Making a conscious effort to simply notice when I am hungry and honor it... e...

Quick Check In

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 12:08:28 EST

Deep breaths at the moment. This last week has been very difficult with eating and emotion. Everything has felt pretty overwhelming. The next 4 weeks of this class are going to be really difficult. On top of insane amounts of reading, there are three papers (3-8 pages, depends on the week assigned) and two presentations (5 and 10 minutes each, respectively). I'm anxious even thinking about it now, so I'm trying not to think about it.

My health stuff has fallen away, again. ...

Writing Not To Eat

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 11:35:46 EST

Ok... now for the real story.

I narrowly avoided a mid-mid life crisis the other day. While my neighbor (and several of my friends) think it is perfectly normal and acceptable to go through 1.5 liters of vodka in two weeks between two people, I find it slightly excessive. I think I need to back off a little bit because it's a short term coping mechanism.

This last week has been really horrific in terms of binge eating. It's been off the charts in ways it hasn't been i...

Update

Thu, 7 Feb 2013 19:31:34 EST

So... I don't want to write, but it's a procrastination technique to avoid school.

I haven't found balance. I don't know how to do school, and work, and life. It's not working. I have no idea how I've done my job over the last 5 years when so much is spinning out of control right now.

I am at a real crossroads as this all feels like one big mistake (or extremely untimely). Up, down... I'm not sure which is which. I've very overwhelmed. The idea of quitting scho...

Steady As She Goes

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 09:14:23 EST

So... I've been hovering at the same weight for about a month. Discouraged? Yes, but I was reminded by my therapist that I'm not gaining, which I probably would have done in the past. True. Working on being thankful about that.

I was tracking diligently and now it seems to be too much effort. The irony is that I actually dropped a pound last week after not tracking... perhaps giving myself a break gives myself a break from the challenge of eating all my available calories as w...

Resolutions, or Lack Thereof

Tue, 1 Jan 2013 20:08:57 EST

I am SO SO SO happy that 2012 is over. It was a year marked with misery, heartache, unfortunate discoveries and sickness for so many. Good riddens!

The amount of resolutions occurring today is always noble; people really do think, "oh yeah, this time it's really going to be different", but that's not how humans operate. 99.9% of us fall back into patterns instead of carving new ones (me included). The last resolution I made (back in 2011) was to laugh more. That was a non-qu...

Insatiable Hunger

Fri, 28 Dec 2012 07:41:43 EST

I've been hungry this week. When I say hungry, I mean H.U.N.G.R.Y. Can I narrow it down to just one reason? No... there are several things at play and it may point to any one of them.

The first thing that comes to mind is the stress I'm under with grad school and finding out (not realizing, mind you) that while I thought school started on December 31 it actually started on December 25 and everything is DUE on December 31. Yeah... that cut into my last week of relaxation. Ful...

Creating Priorities

Tue, 25 Dec 2012 12:46:11 EST

I start graduate school in less than a week. LESS THAN A WEEK! I'm terrified because as it stands currently, this is the dumbest decision I've made in a long time. How am I going to work full time (and then some), continue my running progress, find 20+ hours a week for homework and study and not lose my mind? Oh, not to mention try to have a life in my free time and pay off student loans. The Serenity Prayer comes to mind.

I *have* to compartmentalize things because I'm comple...

A Reflection on Disordered Eating: Part 2

Sun, 16 Dec 2012 16:09:07 EST

Our group has been given another long assignment… lots and lots of questions to maneuver through. I feel that it’s best I just do it as I had a huge day yesterday. I’ve been holding onto my wedding pictures for 5 years since the divorce; yesterday I let them all go. What is gone is gone. I have to make room for new memories instead of remembering old heartache. Needless to say I’ve been anxious. I’m hoping the writing will take the edge off.

Q1: What do you/did you know wou...

When Food Is Just Food

Sat, 8 Dec 2012 16:02:28 EST

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, or how, but somehow I've stopped being hungry all of the time. To the point where I have to remember to eat. Talking with my therapist, she was concerned. She said that I shouldn't NOT be hungry, but I told her that I just didn't care if I ate to my range (1700-2200 daily). She questioned if I was restricting. I guaranteed her I was not. I let her know that I think it is a combination of my running again, plus paying attention to my meals to ensure...

Taking Time To Acknowledge the NSV's

Thu, 6 Dec 2012 19:20:51 EST

This day sucked. Consequently, I've decided I need to cheer myself up (and on) by taking some time to list out some NSV's. Pardon me while I toot my horn.

215 TOOT TOOT!! The shirts that I've been wearing to work out have room in them now.
215 TOOT TOOT!! I've gone from running a painfully slow 15:36 to a slightly less painfully slow 13:39 this evening... and that is only 8 runs in to being back.
215 TOOT TOOT!! I had the crappiest da...

This Is What Happens When Sparkers Unite

Sun, 2 Dec 2012 16:10:47 EST

I had SUCH a fun weekend. I drove to the north side of the cities to meet up with Tamie Jo (TJDOESLIFE) and Erin (ERINBEAR1876). In short, it was EXACTLY what the three of us needed... fun, friendship and laughter. We drank some wine, went out for some super yummy mexican, went shopping at the outlets, and then went out to karaoke (and sang until my throat hurt!). I am ever amused at the crowd's reaction.

Erin and I headed back to the hotel for some late night chat and sleep. ...

The Importance of Acting "As If"

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 18:23:42 EST

I am very happy to report that it's been a full month since I've been back on Spark. I've been tracking what I've been eating in full honesty, incorporating moderate exercise at 30 minute clips for at least two times per week, and eating breakfast regardless if I am hungry.

I really, really, REALLY didn't want to do anything of these things a month ago, but I knew I had to start somewhere and I knew that I had to start small. Small leads to bigger (no pun intended) and bigger l...

Thoughts Rolling Around This Brain

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 07:44:45 EST

To say I've had a couple of rough days emotionally would be an understatement. I've coped by emotionally eating, not overeating mind you (which in and of itself is a blessing/change) but eating none the less.

However, with heartbreak comes hope. In the past couple days, I've also reconnected with my best friend of 10 years. She and I unraveled after my divorce, her father passing and my grandma passing all intersected and we couldn't be a support for the other during our own p...

Dare I Say?

Sat, 24 Nov 2012 11:21:23 EST

So, because this is my 4-days-off-in-a-row weekend (yea!), I had the time (and longing) to go and work on another 5K this morning in anticipation of my official January 1 comeback race. The difference between today's and the one two days ago is about 40 degrees. Yep... 40 degrees.

It was 9 degrees out for my run this morning. I forgot how much work bundling up to run outside was. I had to hunt down any pair of mittens because, for the life of me, I can't find my running gloves....

And Then I Turned the Corner...

Thu, 22 Nov 2012 13:04:25 EST

Let me start by saying I am SO very thankful that I got 12 hours of sleep last night! I've not slept through the night in several weeks, it was such a blessing. To futher my thankfulness, I had planned on benchmarking my 5K comeback since I've committed to the Polar Dash on 1/1 with my buddy TJ. Minneapolis has been blessed with 52 degrees on Thanksgiving morning. 52 in Minnesota in late November is next to unheard of... and it afforded me wearing a short sleeve shirt on my run! Woo!!

Chop Chop, No Clothes, Men and Comments

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 21:08:17 EST

So... I injured my right hand a couple days ago. It's currently taped and I have use of 3 fingers... well, in preparing my meal this evening, my disabled hand managed to chop off part of my fingertip on my non-injured hand. So now I have two injured hands, and 7 working fingers. Awesome. Chop Chop.

I have an honorary 5K planned for myself tomorrow. Come hell or high water, I'm going to finish out a 3.1 miler to benchmark for next month. Problem? I have no clothes to wear. A...

The Weight Is Just A Symptom

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 07:33:55 EST

You know those times where you feel like you need to blog but you don't have much to say? That's me this morning. I've got my coffee, my purring baby next to me, and I'm feeling inspired. To say what? I am yet unsure.

I suppose that I could start by talking about the fact I had a talk with my mom on Saturday. We went to dinner and I found an opportunity to talk about the ED and trauma relation, and I brought up what was her part in it. I talked about the fact that I have no m...

Pace Yourself, Paula. Pace Yourself.

Sat, 17 Nov 2012 10:35:38 EST

Minneapolis is having perfect running weather today. 30 degrees and full sun w/ no breeze. The idea of running on a treadmill, on most days, makes me want to bang my head against the wall but it is the perfect segue back into it. However, given the choice to be outside or in the gym, I'll choose outside in a heartbeat. And I did.

I had it decided that I was going to hit the 5K mark today as a benchmark for my January 1 race (which has turned out to be the best decision ever, by...

Trauma Responses

Fri, 16 Nov 2012 08:01:24 EST

I always thought I had an ok childhood. Though I moved a lot, I was provided for in terms of material things so I guess I never really placed much emphasis on the things that I considered significant events in my life. However being diagnosed with an eating disorder and starting to unearth my past has been enlightening. When you hear from your therapist "Paula, you have had so much trauma in your life", it puts a different spin on your experiences.

I can safely say 12 was the pi...

Nothing Tastes As Good As Running Feels

Mon, 12 Nov 2012 19:29:23 EST

I had a day. The kind of day where I was hallucinating for a good stiff drink mid-day and downing 1/2 cup of chocolate covered raisins was called for. I had it all planned... a 10 hour work day deserved a trip to my favorite Indian restaurant for my favorite meal. After another day of compensation analysis, benefits enrollment disasters and IT problems, I was ready for it. I found an exit from work, got in my car, and started driving towards the restaurant.

Then, something we...

Old Memories, New Habits

Sun, 11 Nov 2012 13:47:20 EST

Over the last year, I've spent a lot of time lamenting what was and how I let it all fall away, seemingly in slow motion before my eyes until I woke up one day and nose dived head first into "screw my life" mode. Sad, but true.

With not much fanfare over the past couple weeks, I've been more consistent. Doing little things here and there, like drinking enough water and writing down my food, to make me feel like I'm accomplishing something without putting the Drill Sergeant who ...

Treating Myself With Kindness

Sat, 10 Nov 2012 10:11:10 EST

It's been a tough week. It was a 6 day work week last week, it's a 6 day work week this week. Just this week, I've dealt with work comp cases , compensation research and analysis, creating 2013 benefits proposals, implementing online benefits enrollment, hiring and disciplines. It's unusual to have everything clustered into one week, but my world is completely unpredictable. When things need attention, you deal.

Several months ago, well honestly, several weeks ago is more lik...

A Reflection on Disordered Eating: Part 1

Wed, 7 Nov 2012 07:30:14 EST

In my ED group we are reading and reflecting on "When Food Is Love" by Geneen Roth. It's not the first time for me, but it's the first time being given questions to reflect on. Since I now have an extra hour in my day (thanks to the fact I get up at 6am, which is now 5am), I thought I'd blog it out since I am feeling a little anxious about dealing with some crap at work today.

Q1: We eat the way we live. How does that echo in other areas of your life?

A1: The first w...

A Week In Review... To Be Savored

Mon, 5 Nov 2012 18:43:14 EST

I saw my therapist today and unloaded how my week was. She was either shocked or in awe with her "wow". She asked if I savored any of it. I told her I don't think I savor anything because it's just the expectation of myself. I don't live in wonder of what I accomplish because it's a simple transaction... I want to do it = I do it. Nothing to savor, right? Well... I may have changed my own mind tonight.

Let's celebrate, shall we? In the last week, I...

Saw Roman, 6...

Tracking Again... Literally

Sun, 4 Nov 2012 06:51:18 EST

So while I'm only 4 days in, I can say that the first three days haven't been too complicated. I've tracked my food, did my best to honor my actual hunger, looked at nutrition towards the end of the day to help me make snacking decisions, and paid attention to the outcome. The calorie range my dietician gave me was 1700-2200 per day, and I've come in under once and right on twice.

As before, I think my actual hunger day to day is going to vary naturally. I'm not going to eat whe...

A Leap of Faith

Thu, 1 Nov 2012 08:09:22 EST

You know, I have thought about running every single day since I stopped running. Every. Single. Day. I mourn it like the loss of a child... something I had for a brief moment in time, loved and cherished it, and now it's gone. And it haunts me. It's kept me suffocated in my own world of grief for over a year.

In thinking about starting again, I know I'll not be where I was any time soon. I've had people ask if I am doing the Get Lucky again for my birthday celebration... do I ...

When In Rome...

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 07:47:37 EST

Happy Candy Day. Because that's what this day is.

I saw Roman on Monday. It wasn't really part of my plan. He "randomly" drove by my house of the other day on a drive while I was at happy hour... he lives in Minneapolis proper, I live 45 minutes outside of Minneapolis... he wasn't just on a drive. I wasn't home. After much fanagling, he got me to agree to meet him on Saturday only for him to cancel 45 minutes after the fact to go to a Halloween party. I should be used to this...

Grace

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 19:06:07 EST

I had my weekly meeting with my therapist today. We talked about how the group has been triggering for me but I'm willing to give it through the balance of the year to determine if I'll continue that piece of my recovery.

An overarching theme that keeps finding it's way to my ears is "grace". Allowing myself grace in this time. Acknowledging that this is hard and it sucks. Knowing where I am going isn't somewhere I can get overnight.

The thing is that I know a ton ...

I Don't Want To

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 16:27:43 EST

I've had the same NP since I was in my early 20's. She is fairly familiar with my ups and downs, both weight wise and my life. From meeting my ex to my divorce, she's been there year after year advocating for my health. Today was my annual physical. However, instead of doing the in and out of the annual visit, we talked for 45 minutes because it took me all of 10 seconds to choke up when I disclosed I'd been diagnosed with binge eating disorder. She recommended that I go on something to ...

An Escape From Reality and a Return To It

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 22:13:25 EST

I spent the weekend in Chicago. It started on a high with lots of laughs and ended on a very ready-to-go anxious vibe for me. It was fun, but I'd had enough fun by the time Monday arrived (if you know what I mean).

I got to meet PJH2028 over coffee Saturday morning. It was a lovely meeting and she's every bit the wonderful person I imagined her being. I think we were both in tears within the first 10 minutes, but what can you do? Connection happens when it happens you know? ...

Spark Nutrition vs. My Dietician

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 18:25:08 EST

So part of working through this eating disorder is meeting with a dietician. I haven't gone since my intake because I didn't want to leave her with empty promises. I've been thinking a lot over the past 3 weeks and I made an appointment.

Spark worked for me before... until it didn't. When my blogging took on a life of its own, and my friends list went from 50 to 1600+, I lost my mind. The pressure of expectation was too much for me to bear and it was part of my unraveling. A...

The Confession

Sun, 30 Sep 2012 11:51:42 EST

It's been a long year for many reasons. Work has taken its toll on not only my stress level, but my happiness. To say that I'm not frustrated daily (or bored) is an understatement. It's taken me all year (and several energy healings) to come to terms with it. I wish I could be complacent and just accept things as they are... but I'm someone who seeks continuous improvement and can't deal with "let sleeping dogs lie", particularly when something better is available. Blah... it's a curse. ...

The Moving Forward Back Up Plan

Sun, 16 Sep 2012 18:50:13 EST

So my very lofty September goals haven't happened because, once again, life has taken over. While I have made it to the gym 4 or 5 times, I've not lost any weight.

That being said, the last of the chicken/turkey/fish is out of my house. I focused on making my meals revolve around the last of what I had over the last 2 weeks. I didn't have a ton, but it was enough. Yesterday and today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on vegetarian friendly choices. Vegan is forever an...

The Land of No Excuses

Tue, 4 Sep 2012 19:47:18 EST

So, the thing about joining a 24 hour gym is that you have no excuses not to be there. That being said, I can ALWAYS find excuses. That being said, I'm doing my best to just get there. Not long. 30 minutes. But 30 minutes 5-7 days/week is better than 60 minutes 3-4 days/week in terms of building consistency (at least for me). The 30 minutes I spent today felt much less intolerable than the first 30 minutes I spent there. Progress.

I'm working on eating more vegan/vegetarian a...

August Recap

Sat, 1 Sep 2012 07:42:14 EST

Well... my -8.4 pounds didn't happen, but -2.0 did... so that's better than ending up for the month. That being said, the momentum I gained in the first part of the month was lost in the latter half for one reason or another. I was really using August as a trial run to get back on track, and there were some things I did well.

194 I worked my water intake back up to 8+ glasses a day.
265 I made better food choices overall.
190 I ate out m...

The Dairy Do Not

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 07:30:12 EST

Do not, I repeat, do not eat dairy. This should be my mantra. Am I allergic? No. Am I sensitive to it? Yes, and pay through the teeth 2 to 3 hours after eating milk, ice cream or cheese. Last night was horrific... but made more horrific by the fact that the cleaner I've been eating prior to a dairy indulgence (let's pretend it was a DQ Blizzard... ok it WAS a DQ Blizzard) the worse I pay for it in the end. And pay did I.

This has been a rough week. I've only been to the gym...

MOD, Week 2, and Other News

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 09:29:15 EST

Thought the uptick in Spark activity was odd until I saw that I had been randomly generated as Motivator of the Day. I do believe everything happens for a reason at the precise time it is supposed to... and this happened just in time to align itself with the fact that I've joined a new gym (Anytime Fitness) and am formulating a plan so being healthy can fit into a schedule that includes grad school + working full time. I know that I'll go through the "I don't wanna's" and the "I have a pape...

Nothingness

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 14:57:33 EST

A week of tracking what I'm eating, eating cleaner than I have in a long time, doing my best to stay around 2000 calories, working out several times AND drinking enough water to fill a lake.

Result?

Nothing. Zero pounds lost. I'm fond of an F word and it's floating through my brain right about now.

I'm doing my best to not be discouraged, but it's difficult.

In other news, did 30 minutes of yoga and took a (painful) walk with my neighbor for...

Quick Update

Thu, 9 Aug 2012 07:46:44 EST

I admit, there are days that I just go to bed at 7pm or 7:30pm to avoid the possibility of eating more. Last night was one of those days. The first couple weeks "back on the wagon" are the most difficult and the easiest to get off track and make excuses, and since I was skimming 2000 calories at 5pm after dinner, I decided to call it a night.

I've been to the gym twice this week with plans to go this evening. Tuesday turned into too many martinis, too much food and restless sl...

Crash

Mon, 6 Aug 2012 15:54:34 EST

I'm not nearly as sore as I expected to be after working out yesterday for the first time in what seems like years. I'm hopeful that my body will remember what it was like to move and grove and generally kick some a** and have a comeback that makes me think "What the heck took you so long to start again?" Of course, all that is TBD.

I'm nursing a massive headache today. No reason that I can pinpoint. Had my coffee, drank a crap ton of water yesterday and am working on finishing...

Y-OW-GA

Sun, 5 Aug 2012 13:32:13 EST

After discovering the better option for a new workout facility yesterday, my neighbor and I gave it a whirl this morning. A short 10 minute drive and we were there. We headed back to the fitness on-demand room and started our morning yoga class.

Yoga. It's been a LONG time.

They were familiar moves, but a very unfamiliar feeling for my muscles (what's left of them). I did what I could, listened to my body and eased myself back in. After the yoga class I was feelin...

The Shift

Sat, 4 Aug 2012 15:59:14 EST

You know that moment when everything that has been seemingly out of place manages to come into focus for no good reason at all? It happened for me this morning.

I joined Snap Fitness last October hoping to regain the fitness I had lost over the past summer... that didn't happen, and instead I continued to spiral. The club I joined was owned by nice people, but it never felt right to me. It was small and the walls of cardio were lined with mirrors which made me want to crawl out ...

Harsh Realizations and Fresh Starts. Mark My Words.

Sun, 22 Jul 2012 13:17:36 EST

I had a professional coaching session the other day. Normally I am a huge proponent of psychological and personality testing, but seeing the results from my EQ-i was a totally different experience. I had a very averse reaction to not only the questions but my results.

With no big surprises, I was told my biggest areas for growth are Self Regard and Interpersonal Relationships. After a very uncomfortable 1.5 hours talking through the results, the bottom line appeared. A) I fee...

Graduate School Admission Essay

Tue, 3 Jul 2012 21:55:20 EST

Ready... set... critique!

While I’ve always been fascinated by human dynamics and discovering what makes people intrinsically motivated, it wasn’t until recently that I started to give some serious thought to actually taking the next step and studying it. My decision to pursue a M.A. in Organizational Leadership didn’t follow a traditional path. I mentor for an organization which pairs successful adults with 8th and 9th grade girls and boys who need trusted guidance and a push in...

An Overdue Update

Sun, 1 Jul 2012 17:28:28 EST

Quietly returning. It's been a long time, over a year to be honest. I've been exploring a lot of my life as of late, this just being a part of it, but have started to realize that this consumes me when I don't reguarly pay attention. However, as I tend to do with all things, I go to extremes so moderation will be critically important. So will self-kindness.

When I say that I've been eating out for virtually every meal the last 2 or 3 months, I mean it. It's been a horrific exp...

The Shame Blog

Wed, 9 May 2012 19:56:39 EST

I suppose this blog has been long in coming. I haven't been honest with myself for a good year and I've paid in spades. Not familiar with my story? Let me catch you up in a couple sentences... got serious about getting healthy, lost 60 pounds and 12 sizes in 7 months, taught myself to run and graduated with a half marathon under my belt. And then, with no contingency plan, my life unraveled.

And that was a year ago. I spent the first part of my unraveling in complete denial. ...

Paula, I Forgive You

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 08:23:52 EST

Paula, I forgive you.

Hold on... let me back up a moment. I've spent a good two months undoing 12 months worth of hard work, fitness and nutrition. I've been working hard at it... almost as hard as I worked the first 12 months.

It's no wonder, really... I created the perfect storm. I was overwhelmed at work in which I spent many hours trying to catch up, I had less cash flow which prevented my personal training, I had a test that was looming and suffocating possibil...