_COSMOPAULATAN_'s SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=%5FCOSMOPAULATAN%5F _COSMOPAULATAN_'s Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Vacation Is Good (A Picture Blog) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5786806 This blog is coming off of 15 hours of sleep, a healthy breakfast and coffee... in my pajamas... at noon. Someone is on vacation. <BR> <BR> I've been playing for the last two weeks, out to Seattle on business and up to Lake Superior for my real vacation. It's been great. Even though I have had to be disciplined with school still (3 classes left!), I have really worked on relaxing. That has involved drinking way too much, eating well, and waking up to things that look like this: <BR> <BR... Thu, 25 Sep 2014 13:09:46 EST 25% to Goal http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5779684 Well, it's been 3.5 months since June 1. Slow but steady has been the mantra, and apparently that has paid off in spades for me. I am proud to say that with much less chaos, crazy, and effort, I've managed to steadily lose 19.6 pounds which puts me officially over the 25% mark. <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/2/0/l2030966532.jpg"> <BR> <BR> It feels different this time, different than ever before. I'm not obsessing over calories, or nutrition, or exercise. In f... Sun, 14 Sep 2014 13:20:18 EST My Own Little Miracle http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5770981 Since June 1, 2014, I've lost 17.2 pounds. As of today, I saw a new "decade" on the scale that I haven't seen since last October. <BR> <BR> Yes, it's slow. However, I'm not doing ANYTHING this time outside of being mindful. <BR> <BR> I'm not meticulously tracking my food. <BR> <BR> I'm not working out 1 or 2 hours/day 5 or 6 days/week. <BR> <BR> I'm not counting my calories. <BR> <BR> I'm not starving. <BR> <BR> I'm not restricting. <BR> <BR> I'm not binging. <BR> <BR> I have ex... Mon, 1 Sep 2014 09:06:15 EST The Fear of Hunger http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5753829 So, today I realized that I am afraid of feeling hungry. I have never really thought about/acknowledged this piece of my personality before, but it came to light today as I was discussing why I didn't want to start exercising again. Inevitably, I will feel more hungry and I don't want to feel that way. <BR> <BR> This was a WOW, stop-me-in-my-tracks moment. It's true, I am afraid of feeling hungry (especially since I have had 2 decent months of fairly contained hunger... I just don't wan... Tue, 5 Aug 2014 18:40:57 EST 2 Months In Review... and a Retrospective http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5752189 It's been 2 months since I decided to try again with myself. It's also been approximately the same amount of time that I have been on my new dose of meds (which honestly has made a world of difference). I want to take a few moments to celebrate what deserves celebrating: <BR> <BR> <em>345</em> I've lost 13.2 pounds and I feel better. <BR> <em>472</em> I've been eating breakfast almost every day. <BR> <em>274</em> I've made drinking water a habit again. <BR> <em>128</em> I've be... Sun, 3 Aug 2014 10:59:01 EST Another Week, Another Pound http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5737750 It's been a very strange week and I've been fighting something respiratory. As a result, there have been a couple of missed meals which has resulted in being extra hungry the last two days. It's been discouraging to feel that hungry again, but it's encouraging to know that I didn't go completely overboard. Little wins. <BR> <BR> Today's scale day. Lost 0.8 pounds, which is better than gaining. Am I happy with it? Not really, but I'm trying to be at peace instead of beat myself up about... Sun, 13 Jul 2014 08:43:14 EST Shame, Vulnerability and Courage http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5733229 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/7/0/l700516931.jpg"> <BR> <BR> "If we are going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy because empathy is the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive" (Brené Brown, Listening to Shame, 2012 TedTalk). <BR> <BR> Isn't it funny h... Sun, 6 Jul 2014 17:06:11 EST A Month In Review http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5732558 So, I didn't do anything special in June related to diet and exercise. The only variables were the following: I went on vacation, I bought a lawnmower, I went back on my medication. That's it. <BR> <BR> It's been interesting, especially the last couple of weeks. I have been noticeably less hungry, but when I am hungry, I notice it. Coupled with that, there are all those EMOTIONS that lay dormant until I have space in my life to feel them, and I remember why I eat to numb. I haven't be... Sat, 5 Jul 2014 13:41:52 EST Less Hungry: A Story of Strange http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5727883 I've gained 30 pounds since I started grad school 2 years ago. Yep, there. I said it. <BR> <BR> From my lowest? Let's just say I am back up at my highest. And then some. <BR> <BR> The gloom and rainy tapping on the window should really indicate my mood, after all my trip to Europe was cancelled last week after the professor at my school quit. And while that would be enough, I had already purchased my non-refundable airfare. For $2000. True story. <BR> <BR> Instead? Instead I am i... Sat, 28 Jun 2014 18:32:28 EST Toronto 2014 - A Picture Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5717828 I finally have a free moment to blog. It's been a busy two weeks, with a trip to Toronto to visit RAVENSONG37 and CARMINACG and then a work trip to Madison, Wisconsin, among other things. <BR> <BR> It had been over two years since I was in Canada visiting my peeps, the trip was overdue. It was mellow and relaxing, just what I needed. <BR> <BR> Becky and I were able to spend some quality time together; she's such a gracious hostess. Moreover, I was able to walk the Gutsy Walk with her in... Sat, 14 Jun 2014 12:01:47 EST Therapy http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5710022 It's not a secret that I have been in therapy for an eating disorder for the past year and a half. Last week I hit my first real wall, the kind that makes you want to quit. I spent the week angry, for no reason I could connect with, and everything has been a little messy in my life. <BR> <BR> Today, I went again even though I didn't want to. It was one of those days where nerves were raw and everything was getting under my skin, so adding therapy on top of it was like pouring salt in th... Tue, 3 Jun 2014 21:16:47 EST Starting Over (Again) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5708010 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/8/7/l876278459.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Well, it certainly has been awhile. Grad school has consumed my life and has provided me ready made excuses for about 1.5 years now. With only 4 classes and a lit review to go, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is some breathing room that comes with senioritis and a giant case of "I don't care anymore" (even though I care enough to ensure I keep my 4.0 GPA). <BR> <BR> That being said, I've c... Sun, 1 Jun 2014 10:23:58 EST A Renewal of Hope http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5659941 I finally feel like I'm at a place of neutrality with my journey. I'm at my highest weight ever, but instead of hating myself for it, I find myself curious about it. My clothes don't fit and I'm uncomfortable, but there is a sense of acknowledgement that this is where I am in this moment vs. mentally berating myself for being here. It's a very different experience. <BR> <BR> I give a lot of credit to myself. Working full time, being in school full time, having to support myself and not h... Sun, 30 Mar 2014 10:35:05 EST Coming to Terms With the Truth http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5625383 This has been a long time coming as I've been in complete denial. I can no longer pretend like I am anywhere close to where I used to be. In fact, I weighed in 10 pounds beyond my heaviest the other day. I don't have excuses, but there have been a lot of contributing factors that also deserve some recognition because they played a part in my journey. <BR> <BR> First, I've been in therapy over a year now as I've been diagnosed with an eating disorder. It's the hardest work I've ever done ... Sun, 16 Feb 2014 09:26:30 EST A Spark Team for Those People Who Want To Focus on What Is Going Right http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5581809 We'd all be lying if we said that getting healthy is awesome every moment of the journey because it's not. It's tough choices, dedication and sacrifice, and snippets of glory and then the challenge of negotiating "what is enough?" with yourself when society tells you it will never be enough. <BR> <BR> I've been there. I am there. We all are. I find myself wanting to disconnect from people who are talking about all the negativity that goes along with the process of losing weight. If anyt... Sat, 4 Jan 2014 11:28:12 EST My 2014 Commitment: Do More of What Makes You Happy http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5577663 Resolutions are so last year :) No, but seriously they serve no purpose as resolutions are not followed through on. Commitments are. And so, in 2014, I'm committing to be more compassionate to myself. <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/4/l1463067935.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Case in point? <BR> <BR> I'm supposed to be participating in the Polar Dash this morning. However, with temps sitting at -9F and with windchills bringing it to -16F in Minneapolis this morning...the kinde... Wed, 1 Jan 2014 10:37:27 EST Week 4: What Goes Down, Must Go Up http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5574450 Well, as everyone who struggles with an eating disorder knows, there is rarely a straight line downward when trying to get healthier. Instead, I've been on vacation... and I've been acting like it. Out to dinner, out to the casino, sleeping until 8am... it's really messed with my schedule enough where I am random and unpredictable. But, I've been on vacation. And it's ok. It's been a year since I haven't been working or in school for a period of time, so I am working on enjoying the lazi... Sun, 29 Dec 2013 09:46:08 EST Week 3: Sidetracked http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5569703 It's been a tough week. Considering I have had less to do this week since I was done with school, you would think the opposite... but no. There are several factors that contributed to my 2.2 pound gain (but let's be honest, I can do that in a day so all things considering...) <BR> <BR> 1st: The re-kindling of what I was hoping to be "it" isn't going well. Without going into too much detail, one of us likes drama and the other one of us doesn't have time for it. I'll let you guess which I... Sun, 22 Dec 2013 08:05:51 EST Week 2: Oh Happy Day! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5564755 Let me start out by saying this week was pretty awful at work. Lots of unhappy situations occurred and it was non-stop stress, and unnecessarily so. <BR> <BR> That being said, my week ended on such a high note that the stress of the week was virtually erased! Celebrate with me! <BR> <BR> 1. I found out Friday after I left work that the new department manager we offered a position to accepted our offer! Yay! <BR> 2. I got up at 5:30am on Saturday to start writing the 8 page paper I had ... Sun, 15 Dec 2013 09:46:24 EST Week 1: Moderation Pays Off After All! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5559624 Oy oy oy. It's been a week, in more ways than one. This week, I focused on several different things: <BR> <BR> 1. Taking my vitamins <BR> 2. Getting enough water <BR> 3. Being conscious of my choices <BR> <BR> I can say I was successful on all fronts. I didn't eat grilled chicken and vegetables day in and day out. Quite the opposite actually. I had one of my Raw Fit shakes for breakfast every day (which has really helped with my morning lull I experience). About half the week I brough... Sun, 8 Dec 2013 09:13:05 EST Two Days In http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5555715 Well, I'm two days in. Yesterday, didn't fare so well at 2,300 calories but it's better than what I have been eating for sure (and certainly more balanced). Fairly confident I didn't get enough protein/fat to keep me full, so I will look to bump those today and see if it makes a difference. <BR> <BR> I've been able to get 1 shake in per day. The idea of drinking one for lunch has gone out of the window because it turns out I like real food (NO! Imagine that.) However it's been a great o... Tue, 3 Dec 2013 07:46:22 EST December - The Month of Me http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5554012 Now that the biggest food holiday of the year is over, it's time to get real. Real healthy, real disciplined. Real realistic. I've decided I am going to give protein shakes, two times a day, a try. Before your eyes roll to the back of your head, allow me to elaborate... <BR> <BR> First of all, I need to do something. I'm like a hungry monkey every moment of every day. I need some structure to back off of the continual eating. <BR> <BR> Next, I've already cleared this protein powder wit... Sun, 1 Dec 2013 09:32:57 EST 3 years and 50+ Pounds Later... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5552638 Hmm... the real question is how has it been 3 years? 3 years ago I ran my first 5K without stopping, yesterday I walked a 5K in a little under an hour. 3 years ago I weighed 55 pounds less than I do now. 3 years ago my life was completely different. <BR> <BR> I went into my 5K yesterday with a heavy heart, my thoughts wrought with memories of what was... what I was... before. I got to downtown Minneapolis with the other 19,000 people that were signed up for the Turkey Day 5K and my hea... Fri, 29 Nov 2013 08:19:26 EST Patterns http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5543294 Well... if there was anything learned from the past couple weeks, it was this: <BR> <BR> Paula decides to get back to the gym and start taking care of herself. <BR> Paula starts to get happy and feel good about herself. <BR> Paula ends up meeting someone. <BR> Paula goes MIA. <BR> <BR> This is a pattern and it has got to stop. I have been in a real funk the past couple weeks, not to say my latest adventure wasn't the most meaningful one I have had in a long time, because it was, but I'm ba... Sun, 17 Nov 2013 09:19:32 EST Day 9: Minus Zero http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5524662 Well, let's blame it on the alcohol. <BR> <BR> Moving on... <BR> <BR> Though I didn't lose anything this week, I didn't gain either. I went to the gym 4 times. That in and of itself is a big deal since it's been months. Months. Overall, I was more conscious of what I was choosing. I didn't go out nearly as much as I have been going out. I cleaned a good portion of my house, which always makes me feel better and in more control. Cleaned my cupboards so I can actually see what I have in... Sun, 27 Oct 2013 14:00:53 EST Day 8: Life http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5523808 Day 6 turned into it's own kind of evolution... 2 dates with two different guys on the same day. Both were successful in their own way. Left me exhausted on Day 7 with a ton of overdue homework I hadn't touched (since I was busy being irresponsible). I went in early to work, came home after work, and worked on homework for a couple hours. Made dinner, drank two glasses of wine, and went to bed. <BR> <BR> For 12 hours. <BR> <BR> I guess I was tired after all. <BR> <BR> I'm dealing wi... Sat, 26 Oct 2013 10:42:26 EST Day 6: Evolution http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5522029 This may be the first of multiple blogs today because I feel like I'm having a lot to say for some reason. I found myself thinking about my coffee this morning. Imagine that. Thinking about coffee. In the morning. <BR> <BR> Anyway, I was thinking about how my coffee habit has really evolved over the years. It looked a lot like this. <BR> <BR> Never drank coffee, loved the smell. <BR> Started drinking Frappuccinos/Coolers etc. <BR> Started drinking vanilla lattes with soy. <BR> Started ... Thu, 24 Oct 2013 08:12:05 EST Day 5: I'm A Physical Therapy Graduate! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5521619 It's a little known fact that I started working out again last fall. When I started to train myself to run again, I did too much too soon and injured myself. Plantar fasciitis. Awful. <BR> <BR> Long story short, when I decided to stop being in denial, I went to a podiatrist and was officially diagnosed. That was my golden ticket into physical therapy. I have just finished up 10 sessions, and while it's still not perfect, I have more movement than I did previously. <BR> <BR> I'll take i... Wed, 23 Oct 2013 19:26:00 EST Day 4: Death by Chocolate http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5520688 The day started alright. <BR> <BR> Then I got to work. <BR> <BR> Don't get me wrong. I could by WAY worse off. But those days where you just can't answer people's questions to their understanding or satisfaction, and the phone rings off the hook, and you are forced to listen a screaming infant for what seems like an eternity because your desk is above the eating area and cash registers... wait. You don't know? Well, let me tell you. It sucks. And there are days I handle it well. <BR... Tue, 22 Oct 2013 20:40:21 EST Day 3: Observe http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5519384 Well, here I am on day 3. I've been tracking just to see where I end up on the fullness scale and it seems to be around 3,000 calories a day. <BR> <BR> My first instinct is to judge that. <BR> <BR> My second instinct is to just observe. <BR> <BR> Ok... so that is the reality right now. It was also a weekend. I also went through 2 bottles of wine. I also spent the weekend alone. Maybe it will change this week. Maybe it won't. <BR> <BR> I did, however, get more than enough water in... Mon, 21 Oct 2013 12:22:02 EST Day 2: On the Road Again http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5518555 Well... I did the unconventional (or me) and started over on a Saturday. I guess Day 1 is officially behind me. Food was excessive, but I made it to the gym, so I'm better off than I was. <BR> <BR> It's Day 2, and I can say that I made it to the gym again. I've decided that 30 minutes walking is what I'm willing to commit to right now, so it at least doesn't feel overwhelming. <BR> <BR> It's a sunny, chilly day here in the Twin Cities. I'd love to go for a walk, but 39 degrees might... Sun, 20 Oct 2013 14:10:55 EST Day 1: Ready or Not http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5517573 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/4/6/l463086926.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Can you tell I've been thinking? I've been thinking a lot, which is usually a pre-cursor to me taking action so it's a good thing. <BR> <BR> Am I ready to make a life change? No. Can I back down out of that mindset and just agree that I'll make ONE change? Yeah, I can do that. <BR> <BR> I have a lot to choose from. Tracking my food, eating healthier, getting to the gym... <BR> <BR> Maybe, just maybe, I'... Sat, 19 Oct 2013 08:44:49 EST The Race Registrations of a Non-Runner http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5514253 I used to run. I ran and ran. I ran a half marathon. Then I stopped. Fast forward 2.5 years. Hi, my name is Paula, I'm a non-runner and I'm starting over. From scratch. The truth is that I'd really rather be starting anywhere other than where I am currently, but the reality is that I am where I am, so I have to start here. And so I begin. <BR> <BR> I haven't ran in 2 years. I regained all the weight I lost. I've hated myself almost every minute since. (It's a long time to hate you... Tue, 15 Oct 2013 12:35:20 EST October Contemplation and Selfishness http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5509699 Hello friends. It has certainly been a long time. Life has managed to continue though I have been largely disconnected from it. After a week that has tried to undo me yet again, I find myself in deep contemplation. The question I keep asking myself is "What are you doing for you?" The answer, I fear, is nothing. Since I stopped running, I haven't really done anything for myself. Arguably, I was burnt out but I unraveled. <BR> <BR> And so here I am. Again. I came to Spark the first... Thu, 10 Oct 2013 09:45:53 EST August Check In http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5459170 Ok... June was the last time I wrote. Has it seriously been that long? It's been a whirlwind. I packed up and sold my townhome, bought an adorable cape cod right by Lake Nokomis in Minneapolis. It's perfect for me, only a 10 minute walk to the lake and only a 20 minute drive to work. I couldn't have manifested a more perfect house. <BR> <BR> In other news... I've met someone. It has promise, without being overly optimistic about things. It's different this time, I acknowledge the "s... Sun, 18 Aug 2013 19:49:47 EST Changes http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5383194 Wow... a whole month has passed. Again. For those of you who worked to keep in touch with me as I've been so out of touch, thank you. It's been a long haul with school these past 24 weeks, so I've decided to forgo my next class and pick it up at a different time. The idea of eeking out another 6 - 65+ hour weeks between school and work, plus pack and move, didn't seem feasible. It's exciting to have 12 weeks off until my next class. <BR> <BR> Food has been awful, and exercise non-exis... Sun, 9 Jun 2013 09:08:53 EST It's Only Been 2 Months http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5352461 Good Lord. I need a vacation. Let's see... <BR> <BR> I'm in the second week of my 4th class. 10 weeks left of 30 weeks in a row, then I get a break. <BR> I got my capstone project preliminarily approved. <BR> I have no idea how much I weigh, nor do I care (not a good thing). <BR> Food is a free-for-all. <BR> I sold my house. <BR> I have to be out by July 1. <BR> I have no where to live. <BR> <BR> That's about it. And that's enough really. I've hit my limit, I really can't handle ... Fri, 10 May 2013 19:00:20 EST The Pedicure That Changed My Life http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5290152 It's been no secret that I've been unhappy for a long time. Unhappy = eat. Eat = unhappy. Great combo. Grad school has been difficult, and adjusting to another 20+ hours in my week on top of working full time has presented its own challenges. I've felt hopeless, and helpless, to have things change. <BR> <BR> I planned another 5K birthday weekend this year. People either didn't commit at all or cancelled. I was definitely discouraged and disappointed. I was planning on staying in all ... Sun, 17 Mar 2013 18:22:31 EST Empty http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5280594 Hey friends. I've been full on MIA from a lot of my life. After a little bit of journeling today, I identified that it is Empty. I feel Empty and because I feel Empty I eat. Sad? Eat. Angry? Eat. Trying to fill the cavern of loneliness I feel in my heart? Eat. <BR> <BR> I don't want to feel like this the rest of my life. I miss the days where I didn't wake up every day and hate myself and the way I look. Making a conscious effort to simply notice when I am hungry and honor it... e... Sat, 9 Mar 2013 22:05:37 EST Quick Check In http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5253566 Deep breaths at the moment. This last week has been very difficult with eating and emotion. Everything has felt pretty overwhelming. The next 4 weeks of this class are going to be really difficult. On top of insane amounts of reading, there are three papers (3-8 pages, depends on the week assigned) and two presentations (5 and 10 minutes each, respectively). I'm anxious even thinking about it now, so I'm trying not to think about it. <BR> <BR> My health stuff has fallen away, again. ... Sun, 17 Feb 2013 12:08:28 EST Writing Not To Eat http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5245020 Ok... now for the real story. <BR> <BR> I narrowly avoided a mid-mid life crisis the other day. While my neighbor (and several of my friends) think it is perfectly normal and acceptable to go through 1.5 liters of vodka in two weeks between two people, I find it slightly excessive. I think I need to back off a little bit because it's a short term coping mechanism. <BR> <BR> This last week has been really horrific in terms of binge eating. It's been off the charts in ways it hasn't been i... Sun, 10 Feb 2013 11:35:46 EST Update http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5242002 So... I don't want to write, but it's a procrastination technique to avoid school. <BR> <BR> I haven't found balance. I don't know how to do school, and work, and life. It's not working. I have no idea how I've done my job over the last 5 years when so much is spinning out of control right now. <BR> <BR> I am at a real crossroads as this all feels like one big mistake (or extremely untimely). Up, down... I'm not sure which is which. I've very overwhelmed. The idea of quitting scho... Thu, 7 Feb 2013 19:31:34 EST Steady As She Goes http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5216719 So... I've been hovering at the same weight for about a month. Discouraged? Yes, but I was reminded by my therapist that I'm not gaining, which I probably would have done in the past. True. Working on being thankful about that. <BR> <BR> I was tracking diligently and now it seems to be too much effort. The irony is that I actually dropped a pound last week after not tracking... perhaps giving myself a break gives myself a break from the challenge of eating all my available calories as w... Mon, 21 Jan 2013 09:14:23 EST Resolutions, or Lack Thereof http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5184689 I am SO SO SO happy that 2012 is over. It was a year marked with misery, heartache, unfortunate discoveries and sickness for so many. Good riddens! <BR> <BR> The amount of resolutions occurring today is always noble; people really do think, "oh yeah, this time it's really going to be different", but that's not how humans operate. 99.9% of us fall back into patterns instead of carving new ones (me included). The last resolution I made (back in 2011) was to laugh more. That was a non-qu... Tue, 1 Jan 2013 20:08:57 EST Insatiable Hunger http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5178473 I've been hungry this week. When I say hungry, I mean H.U.N.G.R.Y. Can I narrow it down to just one reason? No... there are several things at play and it may point to any one of them. <BR> <BR> The first thing that comes to mind is the stress I'm under with grad school and finding out (not realizing, mind you) that while I thought school started on December 31 it actually started on December 25 and everything is DUE on December 31. Yeah... that cut into my last week of relaxation. Ful... Fri, 28 Dec 2012 07:41:43 EST Creating Priorities http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5175866 I start graduate school in less than a week. LESS THAN A WEEK! I'm terrified because as it stands currently, this is the dumbest decision I've made in a long time. How am I going to work full time (and then some), continue my running progress, find 20+ hours a week for homework and study and not lose my mind? Oh, not to mention try to have a life in my free time and pay off student loans. The Serenity Prayer comes to mind. <BR> <BR> I *have* to compartmentalize things because I'm comple... Tue, 25 Dec 2012 12:46:11 EST A Reflection on Disordered Eating: Part 2 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5168234 Our group has been given another long assignment… lots and lots of questions to maneuver through. I feel that it’s best I just do it as I had a huge day yesterday. I’ve been holding onto my wedding pictures for 5 years since the divorce; yesterday I let them all go. What is gone is gone. I have to make room for new memories instead of remembering old heartache. Needless to say I’ve been anxious. I’m hoping the writing will take the edge off. <BR> <BR> Q1: What do you/did you know wou... Sun, 16 Dec 2012 16:09:07 EST When Food Is Just Food http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5160346 I'm not sure exactly when it happened, or how, but somehow I've stopped being hungry all of the time. To the point where I have to remember to eat. Talking with my therapist, she was concerned. She said that I shouldn't NOT be hungry, but I told her that I just didn't care if I ate to my range (1700-2200 daily). She questioned if I was restricting. I guaranteed her I was not. I let her know that I think it is a combination of my running again, plus paying attention to my meals to ensure... Sat, 8 Dec 2012 16:02:28 EST Taking Time To Acknowledge the NSV's http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5158547 This day sucked. Consequently, I've decided I need to cheer myself up (and on) by taking some time to list out some NSV's. Pardon me while I toot my horn. <BR> <BR> <em>215</em> TOOT TOOT!! The shirts that I've been wearing to work out have room in them now. <BR> <em>215</em> TOOT TOOT!! I've gone from running a painfully slow 15:36 to a slightly less painfully slow 13:39 this evening... and that is only 8 runs in to being back. <BR> <em>215</em> TOOT TOOT!! I had the crappiest da... Thu, 6 Dec 2012 19:20:51 EST This Is What Happens When Sparkers Unite http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5153724 I had SUCH a fun weekend. I drove to the north side of the cities to meet up with Tamie Jo (TJDOESLIFE) and Erin (ERINBEAR1876). In short, it was EXACTLY what the three of us needed... fun, friendship and laughter. We drank some wine, went out for some super yummy mexican, went shopping at the outlets, and then went out to karaoke (and sang until my throat hurt!). I am ever amused at the crowd's reaction. <BR> <BR> Erin and I headed back to the hotel for some late night chat and sleep. ... Sun, 2 Dec 2012 16:10:47 EST