ZERO2HERO's SparkPeople Blog ZERO2HERO's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Apathy and Feeling Nothing at All. Today marks the 11th year I have successfully failed to attend the New Jersey Education Association Teacher's Convention in Atlantic City. It's not something I'm proud of and I always think about going, but always find myself surrounded by ungraded papers and empty lesson plans. I do realize though that it will never be a priority if I don't make it one - and I'm okay with that. <BR> <BR> I've had so much running through my heart, mind, and stomach that I'm not quite sure where to start here... Fri, 6 Nov 2015 10:24:07 EST A Selfish Entry I really try to only let these blogs serve as self-reflection - primarily to evaluate my current relationship with food, but lately that's been so strongly under control that I'm reaching these weird emotional precipices that I am uneqipped to handle. <BR> <BR> Two things on that: <BR> 1.) I am NOT emotional eating - BIG success <BR> 2.) I am pregnant so there's no telling what emotions are heightened from the hormone surge I've been experiencing. <BR> <BR> Not feeling compelled to eat when... Fri, 23 Oct 2015 22:00:56 EST Take a Knee And that's what I'm doing, taking a knee. It's been go-go-go all day and I am finally sitting down for the first time (aside from driving) since I woke up at 5am. The husband is sick - and an absolute wuss - so he's shut himself in the second bedroom and fallen asleep for hours. The daughter has finally gone down, and is sound asleep, after quite a few irrational demands. And I have decided that grading more papers is just not in the cards tonight. Admittedly, I am kinda looking forward to th... Tue, 13 Oct 2015 19:35:10 EST Long time no blog & emotional eating It feels like I haven't blogged in quite some time - while it's only really been about 20 days - and that life has suddenly switched to a sprint-like pace with a marathon distance. <BR> <BR> And I am not here to complain about that. I recognize that being a teacher has the perk of slow summers and a long winter break, but the abrupt welcome to autumn with 100+ students, twice the amount of papers, and their lovely, always positive parents (please read the last "perk" with as much sarcasm as ... Wed, 23 Sep 2015 08:22:13 EST The Whole30 Results Today was day 31, which I continued on the straight and narrow Whole30 until dinner when I had my first glass of wine in a very long time. <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Turns out I don't like wine. It was bitter and unsatisfying - not to mention almost instantly giving me a headache. I didn't even finish that little bit you see (that was my full glass). Talk about a disappoint non-compliant food introduction! No matter, ... Wed, 2 Sep 2015 20:05:52 EST A Day of Firsts and One Last. Today is the final day of Whole30. <BR> <BR> It is also the first day I have ever used a FitBit as well as the first day of school. Who knew September 1st would be such a big deal? The first day of school was what it always is: a lot of sitting and listening for extremely long periods of time while administrators who never come into your building, do for one day and talk at you. It's the antithesis of their expectations for us, the teachers, with our students, but every year, they come in dr... Tue, 1 Sep 2015 19:44:00 EST Approaching the Finish Line Today is the last day of August and with it, day 29 out of 30 on The Whole30 Program as well as the last day before a new school year. To honor our beautiful summer and say good bye to the slightly freer opportunities allowed to us, we indulged in one last gorgeous beach day. A day that started at 4:45 am so we could catch the sunrise on the beach: <BR> <img src=""> <img src=" Mon, 31 Aug 2015 09:56:10 EST Good Morning, Whole30 Day24 I said I would stop blogging in the morning. <BR> <BR> Forget it. I have less than a week before the daily grind, a lot on my mind, and a much clearer head at 9am. Where to start... <BR> <BR> I'm going to start with returning to the daily grind. I'm a high school English teacher, specifically the AP Language teacher. I enjoy my position and the 45 minute increments of class; I enjoy the planning and the prepping. I hate the administrative bull----, the open whining and grade grubbing in an ... Wed, 26 Aug 2015 09:51:17 EST Whole30: The Interlude & Carly-gazing Here we are - Day 22. <BR> <BR> I had the chance to return to "normalcy" with a great swim this morning and my home-cooked meals, the last of which is baking in the oven right now. The cravings of this past weekend have subsided as well as the headaches. And while I thought I was still tired, about an hour ago another surge of energy hit me; so I think it's a matter of my perspective. What did I do differently? I drank considerably more water, exercised my way, and took this morning slow. Ea... Mon, 24 Aug 2015 19:58:55 EST Whole30 Days 18 - 21 & Another Stay-cation I've just rounded out day 21 of the Whole30, which seems surreal because I'm not quite sure where those 21 days went. The program has treated me well and I've followed it to the tee thus far. In fact, the beginning of this week was tiger blood fueled - high energy, super productive, and great workouts - but the end of the week didn't shed the same enormous enthusiasm. <BR> <BR> Today I feel tired and have a headache, which is very similar to how yesterday ended as well as the day before. Th... Sun, 23 Aug 2015 19:52:31 EST Whole30 Day17: Fun with Food Today I felt a momentary tiger blood energy surge. Really from when I woke up to about 3pm; it has been yawns-ville since. Admittedly, I almost reached for an afternoon cup of coffee, but that's when I realized I could always just go to sleep earlier tonight. After all, my daughter goes to bed around 6:30 every night. <BR> <BR> Part of my afternoon sleepiness might have been my swim today. I pushed myself more than usual because I felt good. And it did feel good. I made good time, felt stron... Wed, 19 Aug 2015 20:21:16 EST It's a Double Blog Day. I'm double blogging today. <BR> <BR> I love the feeling of sitting down to a cup of black coffee and blogging with the radio on in the background, but the reality is that it's not making my work morning's productive and it's not a habit I can carry into the school year. Evening blogs, however, are something I may be able to maintain - not nearly as often, of course. <BR> <BR> Today has been great. I'm feeling more energetic and well rested; I went Spinning and worked harder than I had in th... Tue, 18 Aug 2015 20:28:27 EST Whole30 Day16: Don't Fear the Fat. 15 days into my Whole30 program I finally understood the impact of good fats on your diet. I have been, admittedly, shying away from the amount of fat indicated on the program's portion suggestions; I always include a fat, but often not in the quantity advised because of the fear of fats - and also because every other avocado I've cut into has been moldy. Yesterday, I cut into the most beautiful, perfectly ripe avocado (I love when that happens) and decided on a full half an avocado with my l... Tue, 18 Aug 2015 09:14:30 EST Whole30: The beginning of Week 3, PMS, & Moderation I was feeling uncharacteristically bloated earlier this weekend and was questioning my fat intake on Whole30, but it turns out my time of the month came early. I'm still getting used to having it again (second time since having a baby) and wasn't really sure when I would get it - the answer is a week early. Though after some Whole30 forum reading, it turns out quite a few women get it about a week early on Whole30. Not quite sure why. <BR> <BR> Given the cramping, I think I'm still doing wel... Mon, 17 Aug 2015 09:39:27 EST Whole30: good-bye day 11 and hello day 12! I've "made it through" the two days identified as the statistically most likely to quit days of Whole30. I air quote that because I didn't experience a breaking point or challenging moment where I wanted to quit. In fact, while I have been a little tired in the evening and running low on food diversity in my fridge, I feel pretty good. <BR> <BR> I've always been accustomed to the "stomach rumbles" or emergency bathroom needs after a large majority of my meals. It's one of my least favorite p... Fri, 14 Aug 2015 08:56:24 EST 33.3% of the way through Whole30 Today is day 10, which doesn't sound as momentous as 33.3%, so instead I'm looking at my progress in percentage today. I am honestly quite tired and feeling a bit bloated, but I assumed not feeling this way during any of the first nine days might be contributing to that. Today and tomorrow are advertised as the days, statistically, that most people drop the program. Knowing that, I have no intentions of doing so. <BR> <BR> The book actually says, "today you are incredibly aware of all the ... Wed, 12 Aug 2015 09:21:12 EST Whole30 Day9 and the Seat Belt This is not a metaphor. <BR> <BR> For those of us who drive standard cars - personally, I'm driving a VW Jetta - the driver's seat is a one size fits all, little lip around the edges, buckle sticks out on your right (or left if you're "across the pond") type of seat. <BR> <BR> That seat has been some of the biggest reminders of my weight. I know I've started to move up on the scale (or at least hip measurements) when I unconsciously begin to subtly arch my back just enough to lift the righ... Tue, 11 Aug 2015 09:11:04 EST The beginning of week 2: Whole30 Today's marks the beginning of week two - or day eight - of the Whole30 program. I've started it with a super colorful and tasty breakfast of two over-easy eggs (perfectly done, finally!), half a chicken sausage, lots of bell peppers, some avocado, and a pico de gallo: <BR> <img src=""> <BR> I'm sure there are a few of you who are tired of seeing pictures of my food. I know I've always resented (right word?) those ... Mon, 10 Aug 2015 09:25:13 EST "Ohhh day 7..." The Whole30 Day 7 is my wall. <BR> <BR> I've hit the wall repeatedly all day long, but have not turned back. I've maintained my Whole30 eating all day; I just didn't enjoy it. And I'm tired. So that "I just want to nap" description that days 6 and 7 have is becoming eerily accurate. <BR> <BR> Admittedly, part of today's food frustration comes from the odor of a cheeseburger and fries last night, making my daughter a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on fresh rye bread, and my husband crunching away on k... Sun, 9 Aug 2015 20:42:07 EST Whole30 Day 6: "I will not track." I will not track. <BR> <BR> I know this is contradictory to the SparkPeople way. It certainly is to me at least. But it's also one of the "rules" of Whole30: by not tracking, measuring, or weighing you should be more successful at developing an awareness of hunger versus cravings, portion control as a result of that hunger, and a lesser co-dependent relationship with food. <BR> <BR> I love those goals, yet I fear the loss of control in not tracking. But alas, I have decided not to track my ... Sat, 8 Aug 2015 13:54:34 EST Whole30 Day 5: "Kill all the things!" Days four and five are described as "kill all the things" where you may feel super on edge and aggravated by everything and everyone. And while I was fairly clear of that yesterday, today I would like to kill just one thing. <BR> <BR> And that is unfortunately my husband. <BR> <BR> It feels so unfair for him, but at the same time totally warranted. So I'm not sure if I'm being Whole30 irrational or wife angst-y. We haven't fought or anything, but he is aware that I'm frustrated with him. ... Fri, 7 Aug 2015 09:48:14 EST Whole30: The end of day 4, exercise, and eating out I can happily announce that I did go spinning today. It was the first time in a very long time and my butt is quite sore as I sit here and type, but it was so worth it. I wasn't the only one - there were nine of us and the instructor was tough, but instructional and it was just terrific. Here's my proof: <BR> <img src=""> <BR> I actually ended up following this with a 30 minute walk/jog later in the day with my dau... Thu, 6 Aug 2015 20:25:44 EST Whole30: The end of day 3, beginning of day 4, & a wedding anniversary Well, day three was also my 4th wedding anniversary, as I had previously vented about. And the good news is that my husband was in fact putting together a little something the other day and that is why he blew off a timely dinner. Here is his "little something": <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> We spent the day on the beach we were married on and enjoyed a little lunch at the restaurant we had our reception at - the pe... Thu, 6 Aug 2015 09:45:46 EST Whole30 Day Two & a DH who already quit The creators of Whole30 describe days two and three as the "hangover," where you don't feel fantastic primarily because your body is going through some withdrawal. I am happy to report that at the end of day two I do not feel hungover in the slightest. In fact, after my meals I feel great and super full, which is surprising because it doesn't feel like much food. But, alas, I have probably not given vegetables much credit. <BR> <BR> The point in the day where I did not feel fantastic is whe... Tue, 4 Aug 2015 19:45:40 EST Whole30 Day One Debriefing It's just about the end of day one, which is described as the "so what's the big deal?" day as per their emotional timeline. It also mentions, "right now you can’t see why anyone thinks this is hard. This delusion is somewhat akin to the first episode of any given reality show." The descriptors continue to indicate you feel good, but that it will essentially come crashing down tomorrow as your body misses the sugar it has indulged in for a very, very, very long time. <BR> <BR> I do not fee... Mon, 3 Aug 2015 20:07:08 EST It's Official: Tomorrow I begin Whole30. <BR> <BR> Or at least attempt it. <BR> <BR> I know it doesn't sound very confident - and I know I have the will power - but my less than desirable cooking skills and inability to prepare things in advance (post child) has me reserved upon embarking on this new challenge. <BR> <BR> I also think I might need to make one concession: tracking and measuring. Okay, technically that's two. I can hold off on the scale and body measurement, but I have trouble accepting/und... Sun, 2 Aug 2015 21:48:32 EST Craving or hunger So I'm reading "Whole 30" by Melissa and Dallas Hartwig to determine whether or not the 30 day whole foods eating/cleanse is the way to spend August (I know, I know, it's already August). And it really is EXTREMELY comprehensive. They include the food lists, a week sample, how to cook, what you're eating and why and an entire section of FAQs for anybody (with some delightful humor). <BR> <BR> One of those questions - "My sugar cravings are killing me! What do I do?" - has an answer that I or... Sat, 1 Aug 2015 19:21:38 EST Whole30 Musings I know, I know, to quote my mother, "sh*t or get off the pot." <BR> <BR> Doesn't that say something about my upbringing? <BR> <BR> Anyway, I've been mulling over Whole30 for a few days. I've read some labels and I found the book at the library. I'm about 40 pages in and I still can't decide (which probably means I'll give it a shot). I'm trying to follow the order they present everything in - and they (Melissa and Dallas Hartwig) provide A LOT of details. In fact, right now I'm reading abou... Thu, 30 Jul 2015 19:43:35 EST Not so unexpected accomplishments: Month One July brought some unexpected accomplishments - though as I typed "unexpected" I realize that if we're basing the adjective on my work in comparison to previous months, it was expected I just typically don't attribute much self-worth to myself or the effort I put in. So let me re-phrase, July has brought some lovely growth and shrinkage despite my occasional slips "off the wagon". <BR> <BR> I forgot to take my measurements last Thursday, which would have been a month, so I took than today. He... Tue, 28 Jul 2015 08:40:15 EST Thought Compilation I should be working, but my wonderful and crazy weekend has me brimming with thoughts. Not to mention I find procrastination a wonderful thing (when I can). <BR> <BR> My thought compilation: <BR> <BR> 1.) What is it about the extra 20 seconds it takes to put a dish in the dishwasher instead of the sink? It feels like there's a metaphor in there because almost every time I will choose to drop the dishes in the sink, let them build up (especially because my husband is guilty of the same), and... Mon, 27 Jul 2015 08:58:42 EST Sliding Doors I'd like to preface this entry with the delightful fact that my daughter and I had two wonderful days - one with my mother at the beach and the other with my husband at the zoo and little post lunch with my in-laws. They were great experiences for Emilia (my daughter): she had a blast, learned new things, met new people, swam in the ocean, pet a stingray - the list goes on! And to think she's only 13 months old. <BR> <BR> While these two days have been very different and terrific activities ... Fri, 24 Jul 2015 22:19:49 EST "The human heart has secret treasures: in secret kept, in silence sealed." I appear to be getting myself back on track after last week's "stay-cation," which is a silly way to phrase it because I was never "off track" so much as just not tracking. But I'm two days back into the swing of things and tracking (successfully, I might add) and it feels good. <BR> <BR> I've also started visiting my old SP friend pages since I've been so inconsistently here post 2013 and it got me thinking: <BR> <BR> What happens to the pages that go silent? <BR> <BR> There were a handf... Wed, 22 Jul 2015 09:24:18 EST I think. This past week I survived a family stay-cation, a birthday, and my mother. <BR> <BR> Within that survival I didn't exactly track food or exercise, but did make the conscious effort to maintain portions and nutrients in at least 2 meals a day and move (stroller jogs, pool time, the beach). The "me of weight loss past" would be sorely disappointed. I mean, when my husband and I hiked Arizona (12-20 miles a day) I was still tracking daily and staying at 1500 calories. And that is how I've alway... Mon, 20 Jul 2015 08:37:27 EST Moderation is the new weight loss. My status today indicated that I wasn't able to blog, which was because I knew I needed to leave the house immediately if I was going to commit to a swim workout this morning. And, thankfully, I did. <BR> <BR> I woke up this morning - and quite frankly went to bed last night - simply not giving a sh*t about me. I caught myself questioning tracking if I can't do it every day and whether or not I can really even shed weight at the inconsistent pace I'm moving in. And I write "caught myself" be... Mon, 13 Jul 2015 11:24:50 EST Reflection is a funny thing This go around is so much more about moderation than any other weight loss, yet I find the 1 pound loss this week so disheartening. I know this is ridiculous because I'm not throwing myself into an extreme calorie counting exercising like a mad woman routine that I employed during the summer months last time I lost weight. <BR> <BR> And it's funny when I think back to how much I enjoyed the daily routine of work - running - swimming - biking - relaxing - return to work. I would supplement me... Thu, 9 Jul 2015 10:06:51 EST At long last, solitude It's 8:54 and the house is absolutely silent. <BR> <BR> I haven't had the opportunity to sit in solitude since well before my daughter was born, as my husband works from home. But not today. Today he is working in an office and dropped my daughter at daycare for the morning. <BR> <BR> And with this gift, I have little motivation to leave the very comfortable quiet of my home, which does not work in my exercising fervor. I could hop on the at-home elliptical, but really today is a day when t... Wed, 8 Jul 2015 09:04:33 EST A different type of exhaustion Today I am exhausted - from an awesome 2500 yard swim in 40 minutes. <BR> <BR> I was by no means motivated, but I know that while I will be tired and a touch sore in the second half of the day I will feel better. Quite the contradiction, I know. But accomplishing more yardage in shorter amounts of time and resurrecting old workouts that I haven't seen in years (yes, years!) is so satisfying and leads to instantly smarter decisions. I make better food choices and more productive activities th... Mon, 6 Jul 2015 13:23:08 EST I am exhausted. It feels selfish to be complaining via blog on the 4th of July. I feel I should preface this writing with that so that if you are reading and thinking, "Wow. How self-absorbed is this girl?" or "Where are her priorities?" - because, after all I envision everyone being so much more judgmental than anyone really is (well, almost anyone) - my conscious can somehow be clear. <BR> <BR> In thankful, wonderment, my husband has taken my daughter with him to run a quick grocery shopping this morning.... Sat, 4 Jul 2015 10:40:49 EST Learning from the past, a narrative cliche. Every morning I start with measuring and tracking and weighing and writing. And it's great. But every evening the thoughts creep up, after my daughter goes to bed and the television is finally on - the thoughts that start debating what I should eat. It's become an ugly habit. <BR> <BR> For so long, my daughter wasn't sleeping through the night and required so much of my undivided attention that when she did go to sleep, I took that hour to indulge. That indulgence has been a snack and some n... Wed, 1 Jul 2015 08:34:20 EST Writing for writing's sake This feels very deja-vu, as I've traveled this road so frequently in my life, and so perhaps these blogs are as well. Nevertheless, writing is a component in my weight loss that is absolutely necessary - I've used it to avoid eating, to satiate boredom, to hold the memories, and to purge the memories. <BR> <BR> (And on a memory tangent, I was going to delete the pictures from my last weight loss journey because they feel like falsified information at this point, but then I realized this is ... Mon, 29 Jun 2015 08:58:05 EST Welcome back, Carly I became the cliche - the silent Spark page - and quickly slipped back into old habits and old excuses, despite my very new life. <BR> <BR> And I've had a handful of these blogs over the past year - the biggest mistake being my incessant need to apologize to the wonderful supporters on SP and the off-handed self-deprecating comments towards my well being. And while I do miss the relationships I had begun to build here at SP, it is not them I should apologize to, so much as myself, and the ba... Thu, 25 Jun 2015 08:46:55 EST Apologies to my SP friends There are a few apologies I feel should be out there, but really let's just get down to it: <BR> <BR> I have let myself go. <BR> <BR> It's time to start this process over. I've reset all my goals and measurements and will be stepping on the scale first thing tomorrow morning. Things have changed drastically - and WONDERFULLY - in my life, but there's one thing that hasn't. My reflection in the mirror does not accurately reflect how proud I am of my life and accomplishments. Again. <BR> <BR... Sat, 25 Oct 2014 23:14:05 EST Improving So I thought about how yesterday I not only had two forms of exercise and felt invigorated, but also used my pumping time productively enough to blog. And blogging allows me a place to decompress, but also remain accountable to some degree. <BR> <BR> And, yes, I'm pumping now. <BR> <BR> Today I pushed myself out of bed for a 7 am swim and later took Emilia for a two mile stroll around the neighborhood. And I tired now? Absolutely, but my quality of self and day felt so much better having... Sat, 16 Aug 2014 22:30:16 EST Let's be cliche... again My, how time flies! <BR> <BR> I resolved over a month ago that I'd get my rear in gear and yet here I am. <BR> <BR> Again. <BR> <BR> There are so many things I'd like to blog about and so this may seem disjointed and half-a$$ed, but I assure you that is not my intent - though two months of sleep deprivation and almost a full year without caffeine might do terrible things to my stream-of-consciousness as well as any type of fluid writing. <BR> <BR> Let me start off with the positive: I am ... Fri, 15 Aug 2014 21:52:19 EST The Art of Decompressing First off - I never returned to finish yesterday's blog. I had a feeling that was going to happen only because as much as I love my daughter, once she's up, she's up. <BR> <BR> My mother came to visit today, which has been much less stressful than in years past. Her first granddaughter is clearly responsible for her much less nagging, critical, complaining presence to which I am very thankful. It's actually been a bit of a relief because there's some human contact and an opportunity to pa... Thu, 10 Jul 2014 17:56:11 EST Finding the Right Track Okay. So it's been a month since having Emilia. <BR> <BR> As you can see I am all over the place emotionally, mentally, physically, and nutritionally. This newborn, first time mom thing is A LOT more everything than I ever gave it credit for. I love her, but she controls my every movement. I know it's part because I let her and part because I'm one of those paranoid first time moms. That being said I need to evaluate my perspective on me - and a little her. <BR> <BR> (I'd like to prefa... Wed, 9 Jul 2014 11:14:24 EST The Dichotomy of Happiness & Frustration Before finding SP, I typically found comfort and expression in food. Not in a "foodie" enthusiast way - like a no one is watching, shovel food down your throat, and find some momentary relief in whatever emotion "plagues" you kind of way. And it didn't matter what emotion it was - upset, excited, bored, overwhelmed - you name it, I felt it and consequently ate it. <BR> <BR> All the way to 225 lbs. <BR> <BR> Then I started with SP and began to process that trigger through moderation, track... Mon, 30 Jun 2014 20:34:19 EST A New Learning Curve This new life is something to learn. Having Emilia has been wonderful, but - wow - is there a learning curve to life. I anticipated changes, but I didn't think I'd need to learn a new life. At least for now, as a newborn who strictly breastfeeds. <BR> <BR> I logged in to write a blog over the weekend. It was entitled, "Carving Out the 'Me' Time". The irony in that experience is that I tried for three days to finished that blog - string together a few thoughts and musings of a week and a... Wed, 25 Jun 2014 17:56:59 EST Labor & Marathons I have returned! <BR> <BR> Sort of... <BR> <BR> Last Tuesday - June 10th - my husband and I welcomed a baby girl: Emilia Jane at 6:43 pm, weighing 7 lbs 10 oz and measuring at 20 1/2 inches long. It was awesome, overwhelming, and so very rewarding. So rewarding that I have to share. <BR> <BR> I preface this with the fact that I tried to maintain a consistent exercise routine during pregnancy, though after January failed quite a bit. Some of it was a result of poor balance and low blood ... Wed, 18 Jun 2014 10:38:22 EST Day Three - Not too shabby either. On my last day of spring break I managed to once again stay within my calorie range and hit the pool. It helped me with my self-worth and really that's a primary focus right now. Besides my health, of course. <BR> <BR> Now onto my new favorite part of SP - the app. I admittedly haven't been on here in a while nor did I own an iPhone, but now, back on SP and with an iPhone, this thing rocks. I can track immediately. I view reports immediately. I can even scan bar codes for nutritional i... Fri, 25 Apr 2014 14:25:52 EST