WILDXANGELS's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=WILDXANGELS WILDXANGELS's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ feeling overwhelmed http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5948688 feeling overwhelmed <BR> I'm so tired today! Tired of trying so hard, to keep moving forward, to think the right things, to not miss...ect ect! My life is lonely. Nobody looks at me and says I love you. How do I keep going through this everyday? Sun, 21 Jun 2015 14:05:52 EST I GOT OUT ALIVE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5947056 I GOT OUT ALIVE: "Why did you stay?" It's my least favorite question. No matter how nicely someone askes me, with their tilted head and sad eyes, it still sounds derogatory. It's my fault. <BR> Yes I stayed, more times than I can count. I stayed after each bruise, after each horrible insult and his cheating and lying and stealing and manipulating . Yes I stayed <BR> Do you want to hear "because I'm an idiot"? "because I looooved him"? <BR> Why not ask "How did you get out?" instead <BR> Be... Thu, 18 Jun 2015 07:44:28 EST still fighting http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5942161 still fighting !!!!! At the end of the day when I crawl into bed and all the lights go out, my thoughts can finally rise to the surface. Yes I’m a little bruised, slightly broken, and permanently scarred but I’m still here, I’m still fighting, I’m still waking up everyday to go through it all over again. This life may be hard as hell but it’s still a gift and I’m going to live every moment of it.... Tue, 9 Jun 2015 06:49:29 EST goodbye heartache http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5940873 goodbye heartache!!!!!! I feel compelled to share it with the rest of you, in the hopes that you will see that there is life beyond heartbreak. I truly pray that it will help. TRIGGER WARNING: I once fell madly in love with a man who hurt me very badly : physically and emotionally. I didn't care; I was just so much in love with him. He told me that he didn't want to see me anymore and my world just fell apart. I took every pill and drank everything that I could find. The next thing I knew I ... Sat, 6 Jun 2015 19:51:50 EST LIVE TODAY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5940385 ⁀‵⁀,) <BR> .`⋎´ ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•. <BR> ... ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•. <BR> ...•°*”˜˜”*°• live today,Don't depend too much on anyone in this world. Because even your shadow leaves you when you're in darkness. People hurt you, God will heal you. People humiliate you, God will magnify you. People judge you, God will justify you. In life, God doesn't give you the people you want. Instead, he gives you the people you need - to teach you, to hurt you, to love y... Fri, 5 Jun 2015 19:42:24 EST sad http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5935437 So I called my husband and got the answering machine.I told him I want to move back home and work things out and that he has til June 3rd our anniversary to get a hold of me and if he does not then I am Done and will close that chapter of my life and move Forward!!!!! I really do not plan on him getting a hold of me.But that is how I feel so that is what I did!!!dont know what i will do cuz i know i wont hear from him,im so sad. Wed, 27 May 2015 23:06:56 EST just sad http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5933326 i am trying really hard,im going to counselling n on meds n keeping busy,it just seems nothing is working and my family is laughing at my heart ache and depression and thinks it's funny and a big joke!!!!! Sun, 24 May 2015 04:34:09 EST FEELING SAD AND BITTERSWEET http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5932475 I just called and talked to my husband,i'm not sure if i feel better or worse? there were things i wanted to say but couldn't because i did not want him to hang up,there were things i asked for that are mine he says hes keeping ,other things he said i could have,he said i could not come home even if i wanted to that hes happy alone but i think hes back together with the neighbor again and it hurts so i will get proof just to make me feel better because he says hes not,it would put me over the... Fri, 22 May 2015 10:29:02 EST be happy http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5920972 trying not to let my depression demons get me...but it is really hard.though i wanted to just sit home and cry.i went out and had a good time.i know that not isolating is one of the important things in dealing with it..this will pass eventually..sooner than later i hope Fri, 1 May 2015 19:36:40 EST pain and loss http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5917887 PAIN AND LOSS Really struggling tonight. Bawling my eyes out. Just want someone to hold but I have no one. I've been in a toxic abusive marriage and I'm still totally in love with him. I don't know what is wrong with me, I'm living in a room .,pennyless and he kept all my things and my 4 cats and my car: when i decided i wanted to return home after getting out of a hospital and retreat!!!!Thats when he locked me out!!!! I've been suicidal over this but I can't seem to help myself. For som... Sun, 26 Apr 2015 10:35:54 EST hopeful http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5916353 i have not had a 5 dollar bill since feb,as my assistance from the state and government is pending!!!! i cant pay my rent ,get meds or buy my own toilet paper.its so degrading to me and my family says oh dont whine!!!! like geeeze,i just want to die.How can i make myself want to live under these circumstances?? Thu, 23 Apr 2015 10:49:02 EST angry http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5916318 The Real Me : I am feeling angry and full of rage this morning.Now that I left my abuser no one in the real world outside of these groups wants to hear my Voice now that I got me back!!!!! Not even my therapist! Everyone wants me to pretend I'm just okay now and happy and tells me i should just let it all go and move one??anyone else feeling this way??I am not over it,i am not happy,i feel like a fake pretending i am ok when im not.I feel people are dishonoring me if they want me to be and fe... Thu, 23 Apr 2015 09:54:46 EST trash http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5915965 feeling frustrated: <BR> this is really bothering me so i need advise please.I live with my landlady and she does my trash.she only has a trashcan in the kitchen very small like the bathroom kind!!!I have that much trash to fill it ever two days and every time i want to throw out my trash it is full,I am at a loss why she would have such a small kitchen can for 2 people so i have to hoard my trash in my room,i asked her but she says thats how she wants it?? any suggestions?? Wed, 22 Apr 2015 19:08:20 EST my story http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5915885 I've been writing again for the past couple of days and I realized something so simple today that I can't believe that I didn't realize before....every time I kept silent about what he did to me and kept his secrets for him it gave him power over me. He fed on it and became bigger and bigger until he became the God of my life with the ability to give or take away pain or to even give or take away my life. I'm not going to be silent anymore. I'm going to keep writing and tell my story to every... Wed, 22 Apr 2015 16:04:30 EST blogging the pain http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5915295 BLOGGING THE PAIN: It is late in the evening now.. and I am watching "Les Miserables" because I wanted to connect myself to something beautiful, get me busy with something outside my world at the moment which feels so dark and lonely and just not worth living for.This is not an announcement, please be sure of that, but thinking about and planning my suicide is part of my every waking hour for years now... and while I can tell everyone else that they are worth living, worth finding their own ... Tue, 21 Apr 2015 17:57:52 EST missing you http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5914954 I want him to know that I am the one who is done with him. I am the one who is choosing to kick him to the curb and I am the one who is choosing to move on with my life. I prayed for God to deliver me from his abuse and had hoped that God would miraculously turn him into a human being but instead my answer came in the form of him walking out on me and locking me out when I was sick. Tue, 21 Apr 2015 04:06:37 EST not really? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5913947 so sick of the abuse!!!!! when will i ever learn??i was invited last week for a cookout with my grandkids and i could not wait,now this morning my daughter tells me i cant come now cuz she invited someone else that does not like me,like what the hell? i just keep letting people kick me when im down,i need to detach and stay away from everyone no matter how alone and lonely i am these people are just out to hurt me!!!!! feeling stupid Sun, 19 Apr 2015 13:09:47 EST o.k. when? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5913910 venting: I find when i get upset lately I get very angry and when i do i might think of over-eating like i use to do,so i vent instead!!!! what helps you?? there is only so much computer,reading and walking and tv one person can do.I hate not having my car or public transportation or being able to get rides arranged so i set all sat and sun and just suck on it or get so upset i stay curled up in bed all day.i have tryed to even get rides lined up to aa n church and nothing works,its like even... Sun, 19 Apr 2015 11:45:17 EST ouch http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5913677 OUCH..... I am so grateful to be part a recovery group. Feeling very lonely today and haven't been able to connect with any of my local support people. My disease wants me to turn to the food or anything else. Right-like excess good is my friend-not. My self centeredness character defect is showing its ugly head and telling me people should be there to support me anytime I ask. They shouldn't have lives of their own. OMG my disease is cunning! So my HP. told me to go out of my comfort zone ... Sat, 18 Apr 2015 22:58:50 EST one day soon http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5913126 time.... memories to replace the ones that are in the front of vision. most of all, I dont think of it as a hole or something to fill. I think of it as a spot/scuff/sticker/mask/dirt or smudge that is on my heart. like a stain. I need to work at getting it off and replaced. we are still who we are. we are still who God made us to be. along the line an abuser tried to cover that up, to put a mask or smudge on us of his making.I dont feel abandoned so much either because now I know God never me... Fri, 17 Apr 2015 21:08:49 EST THIS TOO SHALL PASS BLOG http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5909440 TRIGGER WARNING:THIS TOO SHALL PASS BLOG UPDATE: ......I just wanted maybe some advice or uplifting support..I am bipolar/depressive with PTSD. I take a lot of meds. Three months ago I left my abusive husband.I am permanently disabled and am waiting for my SSDI,health insurence and cash,had the use of the family car taken from me and half my stuff and had my caats kept from me too!!!! Not looking for pity either,just blogging how I feel.I left my home when i was sick and in the hospital and... Sat, 11 Apr 2015 13:50:17 EST change this http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5908146 I feel like I will never be happy. I can never get my ex off my mind no matter what I do I have done what he always on my mind. I always worry about how I could have been good with him for 4 years if I didn't fight every two weeks what about me? I am so unhappy and depressed don't enjoy things I have wasted 4 years that I can't get back. I haven't enjoyed anything but laying in my bed I am always in my head. Psychiatrist for the past 4 years have not wanted to put me on meds. I have done a de... Thu, 9 Apr 2015 08:29:31 EST JUST RUN http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5907885 I know a few people who are in some sort of an abusive relationship. Recently a woman died at her ex-husbands hands. She was dropping off their pet and all the public knows is that she was beaten to death and he's in jail. My point is, Don't minimize what happens or what happened to you. Stay away from the person who abused you. I've personally have lost one too many from DV. I was one of the lucky ones. I'm alive and thriving. Once someone abuses you, they usually don't change. They may act ... Wed, 8 Apr 2015 18:38:34 EST REALLY? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5907177 feeling very upset and full of anxiety today as i found out my daughter has been nice to my face and relocated me when i did not want her too and today i found out the whole time she was paid by my husband to put/move me out when i was in the hospital,plus the whole 2 months she has been talking to him daily,telling him all im doing and both are calling me names and she is telling him what a rotten person i am and that she does not want to help give me rides or help feed me or be around me,it... Tue, 7 Apr 2015 15:42:42 EST easter/not http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5905806 I called the house to talk to him thinking we could finally have closure...we could talk things out rationally...as adults do....but what I got was someone very much in denial who just abused and threatened to torture me further. He was hateful He twisted everything around. He didn't physically harm me this time but verbally. What he did though was threaten to make my life a misery. He wants to run me not only out of town but out of the state,and he has done it... He is hell bent on destroyi... Sun, 5 Apr 2015 11:26:43 EST hard day night http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5905751 stayed in bed from noon to 9pm last night and stayed up for hours then slept 3 hours,wanted to go to church this morning but cant get a ride.no food here for almost 3 weeks ,been eating at daughters,cant get food or money or even a damn coffee maker or microwave or just a can of soda,cant go on like this either.have seen no one or been able to go out for over 24 hours,daughter planned fun day for girls yesterday and told me i could not come an to get a life.how do you get a life with no rides... Sun, 5 Apr 2015 09:47:48 EST bad emotions http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5905594 I feel like a big bum!!!! I have been gone from my home siince feb. with 0 income and all the help i have applyed for has not come threw so i can buy nothing .I think i will just tell my daughter im too sick to go to easter dinner tomorrow as i feel like a bum i cant buy the granddaughters a easter gift or help bring something to go with the meal??I have been so depressed today i stayed in bed from noon til 9 pm as i miss my husband and home so much.I just cant seem to deal with my emotions a... Sat, 4 Apr 2015 23:47:46 EST TRY HARDER TODAY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5905492 I will try to keep my life calm & unruffled. This is my great task, to find peace & acquire serenity. I must not harbor disturbing thoughts. No matter what fears, worries, & resentments I may have, I must try to think of constructive things, until calmness comes! Have A Beautiful Day!!! Sat, 4 Apr 2015 20:11:56 EST new day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5904747 I left him for the last time on Feb.14 2014., our anniversary!!!! He was extremely abusive and controlling. I mean we're talking borderline captivity/torture. I've attempted to leave tons of times, but always returned. I've been doing really well with my newfound freedom after many many years of living under his hand. So why is it I've been thinking about him, and feeling like I want to go home these past few days. I am slowly slipping back into a depressive episode, and can't turn it off. I'... Fri, 3 Apr 2015 10:58:25 EST home http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5903801 I escaped 6 weeks ago and after a hospital stay!!!! he was very calm and polite, no real conversation between the 2 of us but it really pulled at my heart strings, I miss my family being together I miss the illusion I had. I know I can never go back and I don't actually think he wants me back either but god it is hard. I miss my home and my cats and all the years we loved each other What the hell is wrong with me? Wed, 1 Apr 2015 20:43:30 EST FREEDOM ISN'T FREE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5899594 FREEDOM ISN'T FREE: My abuser/husband kicked/locked me out while i was in the hospital. I have envisioned this day, listened to the audio I have of him threatening me and wondered what life could be like. Now that he's gone out of my life I find myself frightened of being alone and wonder what's to come. He controlled me for so long I don't even know how to act. He kept me from my friends,and family ,and he has kept my cats from me too.but all i do is feel sick and cry now that i am alone.Wha... Wed, 25 Mar 2015 17:54:13 EST depression http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5898942 What I hate most about anxiety is waking up with it. It’s like an emotional hangover – the first thing you feel before you open your eyes. I want to be able to tie my anxiety to an event or person or thing. Maybe then I could make sense of it. But I can’t. It is just there, tight and nauseous in my chest. I so badly want it to go away. It is Saturday! It is gorgeous outside! <BR> <BR> I run down my gratitude list, hoping that will help: I have been unscathed by the recession – keepin... Tue, 24 Mar 2015 16:46:36 EST this to shall pass when? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5898615 I feel like I have have spent the majority of my life either alone and neglected or under the thumb of the abuser at the time. There have been fleeting moments in which I had a functional relationship. When is it supposed to get better? When am I meant to stop feeling damaged, alone and unwanted. I'm trying to be independent and pick myself up from the recent abuse, but I'm tired of always looking after myself and having nobody looking out for me. Tue, 24 Mar 2015 07:24:34 EST home is where the heart is. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5896823 I feel like the little boy that cryed wolf.I asked my daughter many times when my husband and i would disagree to come and rescue me and help me get a apartment and she never would so i was mad at her.Things were going ok and 6 weeks ago she picked me up and refused to take me home as a intervention and said i had to sign myself in the hospital cuz i had been sick.I did not know what to do and was so angry n hurt she would not take me home.i have not even been allowed to tell my husband why i... Sat, 21 Mar 2015 04:57:07 EST not in my own skin http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5896347 I feel like flying out of my own skin this morning. As soon as I feel I am getting a handle on this being homesick a panic attack comes screaming in. I'm not sleeping well or even eating much, for that matter. This is a definite struggle.I am so sick of it controlling my physical n emotional health. Fri, 20 Mar 2015 08:34:36 EST home http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5896317 crap,its been over a month n i still just want to go home.i dont want to feel like this one more day!!!!!.i want to be over it or go home !!!!!!! Fri, 20 Mar 2015 07:52:47 EST better when? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5895715 Well it seems the candy factory in my head is busted so don't expect to get anything sugar-coated from me today and tomorrow doesn't look too promising either. I looked under the bed, in the closet, in the laundry basket and even under the rug and just can't seem to find my give a damn!! Why don't people understand that when I get angry , that means to back away, not to just keep provoking me? Oh well back to bed,, seems my middle finger has had an erection longer then 4 hours!! Thu, 19 Mar 2015 07:30:32 EST do i stay or do i go? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5895402 big fight with my daughter today because i feel like i want to return back home.she said if i do i will look crazy and be worthless and a piece of crap and that i will have used her help.im so homesick,i wish i was strong and hated the thought of returning home but how do i make myself want to stay here when all i can think and dream about is home????????i am so depressed and confused.i thought i would never want to even look back? Wed, 18 Mar 2015 17:21:47 EST blessed http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5880331 "A friend who understands your tears is much more valuable than a lot of friends who only know your smile" .feeling grateful for you all in my life. Sun, 22 Feb 2015 07:54:27 EST YES I CAN http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5879176 Change 'I CAN'T' into 'I CAN' and pretty soon you will say 'I DID'." Everything starts with the ABSOLUTE BELIEF that you can do things. Once you believe in yourself, you will have the confidence needed to fully throw yourself into the necessary tasks that will take you to the desired destination. Put the fears aside and GO FOR IT !!! Have an awesome day Fri, 20 Feb 2015 05:51:37 EST gratitude http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5876564 I love my life. I love my kids and 7 grand daughters. I love my wonderfully amazing husband Joe. I may have extreme ups and downs, and some days I just seem miserable and feel like I cannot do anything, but I would never trade it for anything in the world. This is my life, and if it weren't this way I wouldn't be me. This is what I am thankful for every single day <BR> :My life, my loves, my family, my friends, selling Avon,my cats ,everything. Thank you everyone! I love you all. Mon, 16 Feb 2015 07:18:31 EST FOOD ADDICTION INSIGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5875443 food addiction insight <BR> Sometimes our emotions make that magic switch from no real focus on food, mindless snacks and very little activity to watching portions, rare or little extra snacks and regular exercise. <BR> How do we get there? I'm convinced it doesn't just happen; those who find that focus bring themselves to the cusp of making everything happen and then they begin to see weight loss occurring on a consistent basis. <BR> As I watch myself and others, we are certainly trying but ... Sat, 14 Feb 2015 04:44:15 EST sick of being sick http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5873880 For about the past 12 months, I have done nothing but cough up phlegm. My doctor has no idea what causes it, my x-rays and scans have all been clear. I dont smoke, and I am 56 years old and a housewife. <BR> <BR> The phlegm is white and very thick. Sometimes it gets stringy and I start to choke on it. If I'm not coughing, I'm clearing my throat, because phlem is always there, no matter how much I cough up. Theres not a moment that goes by in which I don't feel the phlem in my chest and throa... Wed, 11 Feb 2015 13:01:32 EST today http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5873801 There's nothing you can do about the past. But, you can do a great deal about your future. You don't have to be the same person you were yesterday. You can make changes in your life -- absolutely startling changes -- in a fairly short time. You can make changes you can't even conceive of now, if you give yourself a chance Wed, 11 Feb 2015 10:56:52 EST keep it simple stupid http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5873562 I can be nothing but Optimistic and try to have a sense of humor! It does not help to worry about the inevitable, good or bad! Live life to the fullest the best you can and take advantage of every opportunity to improve it! Wed, 11 Feb 2015 01:16:44 EST my defects http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5867858 Overcritical <BR> When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick. <BR> Being overcritical and irritable has been common to most of us. Some of us go around with controlled smiles while underneath we are grumbling. Others blast everyone around them. Some of us save our most critical reactions for those we love while staying sweet and friendly with the outside world. In any case, we are caught in a blinding trap. We may know we feel trapped but do not see that ou... Mon, 2 Feb 2015 11:59:27 EST MY WALK WITH GOD...MISSING MY MOM http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5864518 I LOOK BK ON MY LIFE AFTER MY MOM WENT TO HEAVEN ON OCT. 12 2014. I JUST WANT TO THANK GOD FOR GIVING ME THE STRENGTH TO GO ON EACH DAY .I WAS AT A POINT WHERE I DIDNT WANT TO GET OUT OF BED. I DIDN'T WANT TO SOCIALIZE. I DIDNT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH LEAVING THIS HOUSE I CRIED DAILY BUT I TELL YOU TODAY I STAND ON THE BLOOD OF JESUS IM TAKING STEPS IN MY LIFE TO BE HAPPY LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO NOT TO BE.SO I DECLARE AND DECREE THAT I WILL CONTINUE TO WALK IN GODS FOOT STEPS . EVEN THOUGH I MI... Wed, 28 Jan 2015 13:12:43 EST A NEW DIRECTION TODAY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5864442 "Strength shows not only in the ability to persist, but the ability to start over" <BR> When you feel strongly about something and you know You Can... this is what needs to happen--- Persistence and Starting Over. <BR> <BR> Some people see these actions as weakness and would rather you look for the easy way out and and stay the same ---stuck and stopped in life, making no changes because it makes them uncomfortable, so they try to pull you back, keep you down. <BR> <BR> I say be strong and... Wed, 28 Jan 2015 11:10:57 EST oa works http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5862676 There are always two voices in my head. The voice of my HP (who I call God) and the voice of my disease. The first voice is loving, caring, supportive and brings me freedom, healing and recovery. The second voice brings me misery, doubt, self-hatred, fear and bondage to food. The problem is that the voice of my disease speaks more subtly, more frequently and more deviously and makes the insane sound so rational. It speaks so loudly that it is hard to hear my HP over the noise and is so cunnin... Mon, 26 Jan 2015 04:28:48 EST DETERMINED http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5857620 Ok this is hard for me to post. The struggle is very real. This is such an eye opener to me. I AM not happy with this body. Only I can change this body. There is NO one gonna do this for me. I've gotta get my mind straight and figure out where do I want this journey to take me. I want to be that girl that people look at and say because of her I kept going. Mon, 19 Jan 2015 04:37:50 EST