VERGE_OF_ME's SparkPeople Blog VERGE_OF_ME's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Ready to Listen Being honest with myself. Mindset-not there. Motivation-not there. Self-discipline-not there. Yet, at 49, I am not ready to give up on myself or the life I long for. I can hear the voice of determination struggling to be acknowledged through the constantly clamoring roar of self-loathing. I want so desperately to act on behalf of that voice....I can remember how good it felt when my health and my life reflected that voice being loud enough to drown out the ugly roar. Change is a diffic... Fri, 2 Feb 2018 22:51:31 EST Never too late to Never Quit! If there is one thing that stands out to me as a lesson learned from a lifetime of having an unhealthy relationship with food and unrealistic body image....and from 8 of the past 10 years (the past 2 have been spent wishful thinking but not acting), mostly successfully taking positive action to remedy would be that it is never too late until it's too late. The unique personal journey that anyone with weight/self-esteem issues takes in order to achieve healthy body, mind, and bala... Sun, 22 Jan 2017 22:25:55 EST Where the heart is.... Plain and simple, I'm back...and sporting a 40+ pound gain. It is what it is, and I have decided that what it all about the heart. In summary, the last 15 months have been terribly difficult. I coped by choosing food over heallth yet again. We moved and I had to leave the life I had carved out behind....but...home is where the heart is and my heart is with my family and doing what is best for my kids. We now live in a small rental home in a very rural area that has no space for m... Sat, 3 Jan 2015 19:15:38 EST Truth...Plain and Simple Going through a valley right now and thankful that I came across a few things that tossed a log or two onto my Spark-fire. <BR> <BR> I have choices, I can choose to sit here talking about what "I need to" do, or I can choose to get up and do it. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I can choose to spend my time sitting and bemoaning difficulties and obstacles or I can choose to rise to the challenge of overcoming them to the best of my... Wed, 30 May 2012 12:38:58 EST My 2012 Oklahoma City Memorial Half-Marathon There truly are no words that could ever come close to expressing the soaring levels of emotion and true, pure joy that I experience during this race. This was my third half, and now that it is in the books it is time to not only look forward, but to also process, to fully absorb and appreciate every iota of what I was so blessed to receive this past Sunday. This race in particular will be a part of my life until I am no longer able to run or at least hold a cup at a water stop as a volunte... Tue, 1 May 2012 17:00:04 EST Choices You never know when "it" is going to happen. Your eyes are wide open, every sense keenly aware...your brain making a choice, setting in motion a response that your heart was not invested in. You are present, in every facet of the hand goes to mouth, repeatedly...excessively...defeatingly. I devoured every morsel of illegal contraband that I chose to allow across the border of my resolve last night. I chose. <BR> <BR> I let an emotionally tumultuous week goad me into weakness. Bu... Sat, 25 Feb 2012 00:54:37 EST If You Love Cheesecake.... Like I do...have I got a deal for you : ) I am always trying to find something good and quick to make a smoothie out of....something to keep it interesting and nutritious. I hit a combo that I love and thought I'd makes a great meal, treat, or a perfect post workout recovery option. I make this in my magic bullet, but if you have a good blender, it should work great. <BR> <BR> 1/2 C. Frozen strawberries(unsweetened and thawed slightly in micro.) <BR> 1/2 - 1 Full scoop of vani... Tue, 14 Feb 2012 21:28:36 EST On Marathons and Mustard Seeds.... I.Am.Struggling. It actually feels good to say, to own it, to acknowledge that things aren't where I thought or wanted them to be in this moment. Training for a marathon is a monumental undertaking for even the healthiest elite athletes. I knew it would be quadruple that for someone like me...heavy, semi-old and decrepit, and so desperately...S-L-O-W. <BR> <BR> I have learned through the training for my two previous half-marathons, that diligence and commitment to training would be imperat... Thu, 9 Feb 2012 20:50:22 EST A recommendation for a MUST won't be sorry... "I dont let opinions drive me like I used to. That is one huge key to success. So long as opinions of others, real or perceived, dictate what you will or will not do, failure is the only option because you will not tap your inner potential. I have found on my journey that the transformation has to happen inside first." <BR> <BR> The above is just one little nugget of inspirational truth that I gleaned from fellow Sparker ON2VICTORY's latest blog. It is full of pictures from various mileston... Sun, 5 Feb 2012 17:51:24 EST GREAT quote, words to remember... Came across this quote today and it really hit home. Thought it was worth sharing. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Sat, 4 Feb 2012 18:18:54 EST Paula Deen Dismay... Shame on you Paula. Shame, shame on you for not being forthcoming about your health....or lack thereof. You could have used all or even part of that time, in which you withheld the truth of what eating more than a lion's share of butter, sugar, and grease has done to your personal health, as a unique platform to reach out and help inform others who looked at you as "healthy" in spite of the lifestyle. People who were probably grabbing at cheese straws in order to justify living and eating l... Wed, 18 Jan 2012 00:10:36 EST Finally...My OKC Half-Marathon in words... This is incredibly long, but it is to help me if you have time, just bear with me. The HM was on 5-1-11 and it has taken me this long to not only find the time, but to find words that could accurately describe how I felt on that very special day. This was my second HM, the first was in 2008 and I have been trying to get back since that race. Circumstances and a nearly year long battle with plantar fascitis would keep me at bay until now. I set my goal and did what I knew I w... Tue, 10 May 2011 21:52:09 EST OKC Memorial Half-Marathon I am still unable to capture in words all that this race held for me in terms of spirit, emotion, challenge, and pure experience. So until the words are in place, I'll just share a few pictures. <BR> <BR> I'll set the tone by saying the conditions were more brutal than any that were anticipated. It was 40 degrees made frigid by 30 plus mph winds straight from the north, lightning, pouring rain save for about 10 min. of my race, and some even had hail to contend with...luckily I missed that... Mon, 2 May 2011 22:34:28 EST Getting Over All or Nothing... This blog is basically me just working through my own thoughts. I don't know why I am so innately inclined towards "all or nothing". It has been a sharp and painful thorn in my side for too long on this journey. I finally feel like the thorn has been excised and the wound left behind is healing. Rational thinking will ensure my success long term, all or nothing will likely end me up with...well...nothing in terms of lasting progress. I had 3 miles sceduled for my HM training today. I di... Tue, 8 Mar 2011 20:02:15 EST Too Restless to Rest... will officially end here today I guess. I challenged myself to follow along with John "The Penguin" Bingham's 100 Days of Exercise Challenge back in January. I wanted to go as far as I could, but in the back of my mind I knew eventually I would likely have to back off when I started HM training. I am in my 2nd week of training now and to avoid injury, I know now is the time to back off. I am inclined to be very disappointed in myself, very hard on myself....but I know this is fo... Wed, 2 Mar 2011 17:20:01 EST WOW! February Wrap - Up and C2KMB Plan Results WOW! Said it again...I am so thrilled and honestly shocked by the results I've gotten this month. I had a successful January, but had resigned myself to the fact that February would surely be less stellar. Then I was given the blessing of a personal training/mentoring for a month from my FABulous sparkfriend Carolyn1213(C2KMB- carolyn 2 kick my booty plan), who most of you know from her incredible personal journey here on spark. She is studying to become a certified personal trainer and I... Mon, 28 Feb 2011 10:59:40 EST Strength Rocks! I am so loving my C2KMB strength workouts(so grateful to Carolyn for these), having a solid plan in place....taking it seriously...and tonight knowing it is working and I am getting stronger! I have never been able to do anything but a modified plank...and could only hold my wall sits for 30 seconds...barely. Tonight I decided to up the ante. I held my 3 sets of wall sits for 45 seconds ea. and made sure I was really down low(being careful to not let my knees go out over my toes)....I alte... Tue, 22 Feb 2011 21:53:09 EST Good Day, Good Week Great workouts today! I had almost forgotten about my 100 day challenge I started back in January, of today I have completed 47 days out of 100. That kind of blew my mind. I have exercised consistently and at least 30 min. daily for 47 days in a row, almost halfway there. The funny thing is I'm just doing it now, not really to not break the streak...definitely progress for my mindset. <BR> <BR> I'm licking a wound today about not getting to do a 5k race tomorrow I'd been counti... Fri, 18 Feb 2011 21:46:42 EST Tricks of the Trade Short and sweet tonight, I am simply w.o.r.n. out. Had beautiful nearly EIGHTY degree get out and soak up while getting 4 miles in today. Bliss I tell you...sheer bliss...seeing as how we just had a full on blizzard last week,lol...but that is Oklahoma weather for you, if you don't like it just wait a minute it will change! <BR> <BR> More importantly, tonight was my 2nd workout under my C2KMB plan, workout B. It was again AWESOME. I found muscles I didn't know... Wed, 16 Feb 2011 22:59:43 EST Planning, an Insurance Policy for Progress! Here it is the middle of FEBRUARY already....if somebody could explain to me how that happened...let me know, LOL! I always am afraid to "say"it out loud as if to do so will somehow topple that ever so fragile house of cards I've worked so diligently to build up to now. This has happened before and I have learned many lessons in the repetitive re-building, but I am so ready to move past the point that always seems to be my undoing, and forge ahead into the part of the blueprint I have never... Tue, 15 Feb 2011 15:53:44 EST A GREAT Day...Sun, Snow, and Fun! (Pics) I had a fantastic day. After two weeks of two consecutive blizzards here in Oklahoma, the sunshine and balmy high 30 degree temps of today were more than welcome. I got an unexpected treat to have some time with just my dh and myself...sans kidlets. This does NOT we were kind of beside ourselves,lol. He teaches and his school(rural area) was still out due to the road conditions while the school my little ones attend was back in session. Not so long ago, we would have s... Fri, 11 Feb 2011 23:14:46 EST No More Can't....I Can and I DID! Ok...trying again here. New at the vlog and working out the kinks,lol. We have gotten so much snow lately, quite unusual for Oklahoma. My kids have had a ball in it. Riding the saucer is something I never would or could have done before....couldn't get that far down without needing a crane to get me back I've always just sat aside, watching and wishing. Not today : ) Today I joined in the fun and was so grateful to be DOING with my kids, not just watching! Thu, 10 Feb 2011 21:18:48 EST Day 36 of 100! On January 3rd I decided to challenge myself by joining in the 100 Day Challenge that John "The Penguin" Bingham tossed out to anyone who would join him in moving their body for 30 min. a day for 100 days in a row. The movement can be in any form as long as it is intentional and the 30 minutes can be in whatever increments you have to do to make it happen. I had kind of lost track for a few days but it dawned on me that today was day 36 of 100 for me! I have exercised consistently....every... Mon, 7 Feb 2011 22:30:28 EST Surprise Blessings...Excitement Feels GOOD! I cannot recall the last time I sat down to write a blog with true excitement welling up inside my heart. If I am honest, I cannot recall the last time I felt truly excited or looked forward with anticipation to much of anything...except for maybe a favorite meal. I only had that realization as I typed that sentence out....I do remember looking forward to food...the bad, junky, processed, fatty,salty, body wrecking kind of food. I got sad for a moment as I sat here and wrapped my mind arou... Sun, 6 Feb 2011 23:59:33 EST Challenging Myself - Days 22 through 28 - SUCCESS! Today is the last day of my SP 28 day bootcamp challenge and I have not skipped a beat. I only missed one SP video wrkout day last Friday and will make it up today....I am happy to say that I will be ushering January out 12lbs lighter than when I ushered it in. Progress is truly so satisfying. I also have not taken one rest day in the past 28 days in trying to make my 100 day challenge....I have exercised at least 30 min/day every day. Still not too sure how this will play out in the long... Mon, 31 Jan 2011 13:44:45 EST Challenging Myself - Days 19,20,21 - Success! Cannot believe I'm already moving into the last week of the SP 28 Day Bootcamp. I have stuck with it and that feels good. Went Geocaching all weekend,lol....this is a new, fun, and ACTIVE hobby that I am loving. The funny part is I just stumbled upon it because I was diligent in getting my exercise in last weekend. I had gone to my usual walk/run place and always stretch on the same tree. I reached up to steady myself and felt something...a little box. I sometimes tuck a water bottle i... Sun, 23 Jan 2011 21:50:42 EST Challenging Myself - Day 17 and 18 - Success! On track with nutrition and exercise for 18 days now. I am feeling great about that. One thing that is becoming more and more evident to me through all of this is the fact that 30 min. per day is just not that much...and even as busy and hectic as life gets...some days more than others...30 min. is not hard to eek out somewhere, no matter what. Instead of it being a whole process to get myself going and geared up to work it is slowly turning into to a short dialogue with little m... Thu, 20 Jan 2011 22:42:34 EST Challenging Myself - Day 15 and 16 - Success! Success in staying well within my calorie and nutrition ranges, well above my goals for daily exercise, and in maintaining a positive attitude! I wanted to fall back into believing the lies...the voices in my head that try to tell me this is not worth the effort...that I am not worth my effort. Then things fall into place that only seem to glaringly point in that direction. Well...I call bullcrap this time around. Regardless if the scales...or my sparkfeed(how corny am I,lol...but I enjo... Tue, 18 Jan 2011 21:46:28 EST Challenging Myself - Day 14 - Success! Day 14 of 28 Day Spark Challenge DONE! Halfway there and I haven't missed a beat when I was sure I would....feeling really good. <BR> <BR> Day 14 of 100 Day Challenge to get in 30 min. of exercise per day for 100 days in a row DONE! Just riding this one out and listening to my far, so good. <BR> <BR> After logging in my exercise for today I was totally taken by surprise in that I am only 2 minutes away from 1000 exercise minutes for the whole month already. That is more than ... Sun, 16 Jan 2011 20:06:36 EST Challenging Myself - Days 12 and 13 - Success! plus a yummy : ) Didn't get to record for yesterday, so adding it in. Days 12,13 of 28/100 Day challenges DONE! My nutrition has been great and clean as possible...calories great...cravings fairly in check...and I am feeling pretty good. Enjoyed a nice 5k out in the sunshine this afternoon. Knees and the darn foot still cranky...but nothing I cannot deal with. So thankful that God has healed my body enough to do what I need to be doing! Also thankful that I have mentally been able to keep myself doing wh... Sat, 15 Jan 2011 20:14:48 EST Challenging Myself - Day 11 - Success! Day 11 of 28/100 day challenges done! Feeling good and plugging along. Did Zumba today...quite a workout! I will have to say was so disheartening seeing those beautiful, unattainable for me bodies move...I have never felt less sexy in my life (and I don't ever feel sexy)...and I am fairly coordinated with rhythm,lol. It was a solid workout though and aside from my body image issues...I enjoyed it for something new. Why can they not make these dvd's that not only use the hard... Thu, 13 Jan 2011 20:59:55 EST Challenging Myself - Day 10 - Success! I am kind of excited now that I see "day 10" in print,lol. Day 10 of staying on track with 30 min of exercise per day(shooting for 100) and day 10 of 28 day sp bootcamp. Wow...only 18 days left and January is already half over...funny how having goals to focus on makes the time fly even faster...whew! I am ready to meet tomorrow head on and keep knocking off all the goals on my daily list, one at a time! Wed, 12 Jan 2011 19:56:52 EST Challenging Myself - Day 9 - Success! Well, day 9 of 28 Day Bootcamp and 100 Days of 30 min. of Exercise is now in the books. Food and exercise are completed, logged, and all on track. Haven't been hungry really at all, but tonight feeling a tiny bit of nag from my old buddy compulsion. Glad to have the distraction of Biggest Loser tonight : ) Discovered some workouts on Netflix today that I actually liked and used one for my cardio. The 10 Minute Solutions were available on instant view and the one I did today...Cardio Dance... Tue, 11 Jan 2011 19:54:51 EST Challenging Myself - Day 8 - Success! Day 8 of 28 Day Bootcamp DONE! <BR> <BR> Day 8 of 30 min of exercise a day for 100 days DONE! <BR> <BR> Don't know how much longer I can do the 100 days. I have kind of gone from couch to warp speed and mind is all like "yeah" and my body is all like "not so much". LOL Worked out on the treadmill today along with the short 10 min cardio bootcamp workout. I am LOVING incline intervals and am pushing hard. Today, maybe a little too hard....I was in the zone at the time, but hours later no... Mon, 10 Jan 2011 20:22:00 EST Challenging Myself - Day 7 - Success! A whole 7 days of meeting my daily goals and doing what I need to do to be healthy. Day 7 of SP 28 Day Bootcamp Challenge Done! <BR> Day 7 of 30 min a day of exercise for 100 consecutive days...done! Looking forward to week two and ready to rise to the challenges it will bring! Sun, 9 Jan 2011 21:55:06 EST Challenging Myself - Day 6 - Success! Day 6 of 28/100 Day Challenges DONE! And it's not even noon yet,lol...that is a first for me. I am a serial evening exerciser. It feels GREAT to have it done and still have the day ahead of me! <BR> <BR> Sat, 8 Jan 2011 11:42:06 EST Challenging Myself - Day 5 - Success! I am feeling good. I am feeling like I am in control of all the little evils that I have to be in control of to do right for myself. I am feeling hopeful. I am also feeling frightened. Frightened of facing the day when I do not feel good, in control, or hopeful. That day always comes. That day inevitably unravels a whole lot of hard work. That day always gets the best of me. This time...I want to get the best of me. That is all. <BR> <BR> 5 consecutive days of taking care of myself ... Sat, 8 Jan 2011 00:27:42 EST Challenging Myself - Day 4 - Success! Great Day. Day 4 of 28/100 Day challenges done! All food and exercise tracked and within range. It was a beautiful day here and I just wasn't feeling the treadmill or dvd's, so I decided to test out the foot and go walk. It was awesome. A very windy awesome, but awesome just the same. Foot was great during the walk...but is throbbing tonight...not happy about that but just going to work around it and not overdo. I did 4 miles on asphalt and probably should have kept to 2 or 3, but I ju... Thu, 6 Jan 2011 21:51:41 EST Challenging Myself - Day 3 - Success! Day 3 of 28 and 100 day challenges..done! <BR> Tracked and in range. Having to eat dinner at 9pm tonight...couldn't be helped due to crazy schedule and forcing myself to get the exercise done. So glad I did...eating clean and healthy so maybe it won't hurt too much this late : ) Could be imagination, but jeans felt slightly less like sausage casing today...this is a good thing! Wed, 5 Jan 2011 22:04:37 EST Challenging Myself - Day 2 - Success! Food and exercise tracked and in range. <BR> <BR> Day 2 of 28 Day Bootcamp done. <BR> Day 2 of 100 Day Challenge done. <BR> <BR> Feeling...good : ) <BR> Tue, 4 Jan 2011 21:27:26 EST Challenging Myself - Day 1 - Success! Today was my first day of the SP 28 Day Bootcamp. I learned through an email about John "The Penguin" Bingham's 100 Day Challenge on Facebook that essentially challenges anyone to join him in his resolution to move his body intentionally for at least 30 min./day(30min 1x, 15min 2x, etc..any way that works) for 100 days straight. I felt like that was a good goal for me to strive for as well and fit right in with the I am now one day into both challenges successfully....only 27 ... Mon, 3 Jan 2011 21:28:58 EST Grateful for New Beginnings Somehow the start of a new year makes focusing on necessary change a little easier, even though each day God gives me is an opportunity for a fresh start. I have a lot of change to bring about in my life and am excited to walk through the open door that is 2011 with enthusiasm and sincere belief in myself. I am ready to receive the life and health that God has always intended for me, but that I never felt worthy or deserving of. Yes...lots of change to work towards indeed. I am up to the ... Sun, 2 Jan 2011 18:00:42 EST C25K Week 1 Day 1, A New Beginning <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I ran today. Not far, not fast, not for very long. BUT...I ran today. I have wanted nothing more than that for the past six excruciatingly frustrating and painful months, the pain being both of the mental and physical varieties. I started C25K the first time in October '09. It went along as well as it could for a fat and forty-something chick and the biggest development of all was that I LOVED it. Someone who... Wed, 1 Dec 2010 21:05:05 EST How Many of You RUN Through Pain??? <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> and HOW do you do it? I have what I have self-diagnosed as plantar fascitis, or possibly heel spurs. The pain is excruciating at least and debilitating at worst. It is like being stabbed in the heel continually with a white hot ice pick accompanied by an odd sort of burning and "rubber band stretching" feeling from time to time. I am one of the many millions of Americans without health coverage so "offici... Sun, 3 Oct 2010 23:14:19 EST Pics from My 10K Finally got my pics from last Saturday night's 10K uploaded, my previous blog detailed the experience in words and here are a few shots that mean a lot to me to go with it. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> April (OHHAPPYDAY72) and I warming up before the race. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Pre-race, pre-sweat,lol! She TOTALLY rocked this, her first 10K too! <BR> <BR> ... Thu, 10 Jun 2010 15:59:59 EST Victory in Defeat....10K Race Report I am still processing the spectrum of thoughts and emotions that are coursing through my brain after the race last night. It was well more than I anticipated in so many ways. <BR> <BR> It was a scorcher of a day here in OK, so I knew conditions would be very warm....but I was not prepared for the ways that the heat would affect my body. I have kind of come at this whole race thing in a sort of backwards way, being that the first event I ever did was a half-marathon. That was in 2008 after... Sun, 6 Jun 2010 18:50:07 EST Just...ICK! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Had to do some major grocery shopping today and started out by breaking the cardinal rule of eating breakfast. Just didn't want to take the time so that I could get the other stuff done, but halfway through the shop 'til I was ready to drop marathon, I was crashing and cranky and wishing I'd have eaten something. It was all I could do to fight off the call of McDonalds or the Wal-Mart deli hot bar, both of which ... Thu, 3 Jun 2010 00:11:53 EST My Goals for June <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Listing them here seems to be good for accountability : ) I have a long laundry list this month due to some major slacking lately. Looking forward to the feelings of empowerment, achievement, and just plain being healthy that come from staying focused and putting real effort into my fitness goals. I am going to work hard to be able to look back on June 30th and be proud of my progress and be that much closer to... Tue, 1 Jun 2010 17:45:21 EST Quick Update Haven't had much time to spark this week. I really leaned on the excuse of stress to comfort eat...and it has been bad...really bad. It is different this time though in that I feel completely able to turn it right back around. I was well aware of what I was eating...enjoyed it and am over it now. I am also finding out how differently (i.e. terrible) I feel physically after loading my body with crap. Total fat, sodium, and sugar hangover...not fun but a good reminder. Excited to not feel... Sat, 15 May 2010 11:52:31 EST I DID IT!! Tonight I accomplished a goal I have worked so hard for since...well, since 2007 indirectly...and since October 1st of last year directly. Tonight I ran my first non-stop mile. Ever. It felt incredible to finally have accomplished something that has always seemed so impossibly far out of reach for someone like me. I always run intervals and have just never been able to connect them all together, but tonight the magic happened and I ran, and I ran, and I ran some more. I might as well have... Fri, 7 May 2010 22:49:55 EST